Wife moved out need help!!!

[25yearsmlc]

So she called to finalize plans for the weekend it's clear that she wants to spend time with me and the boys. I asked her if she wanted to do things alone with the boys and she said no I want you to come. She said to me the other day when I said she was being cold that she didn't mean to but she was emotionally burned out. I am going to work on my R and myself day by day.

THIS is a clue Go...and it's one of several. I think you need to "gather intel" from your posts and your memory and dig deep. Your wife has been the sole breadwinner for how long now? That is a lot for anyone and though it may seem unfair in modern times, most women would feel unduly burdened by that, AND four kids. Plus most women, right or wrong, do look at men to be providers and protectors...not just nanny's. And finally, most women also feel guilty for not being home enough... and if she's also feeling burdened by having to do a lot of housework despite working full time (OR if it's not up to her standards if she doesn't do it, which means she DOES do it...) then it's a recipe for dissatisfaction.

And if she feels burned out emotionally, that is very significant. Have you read the "Five Love Languages"? It's a simple but yet very helpful book to read and my guess is her "love tank" has been running on empty for some time now. It's rare for a woman to want to leave her h AND kids...and I think you need to really hear what she is telling you.

When you are not sure of her meaning, ASK. Maybe you could ask her what she meant by that comment "emotionally burned out". Explore what she is telling you and LISTEN to her carefully...making full eye contact to let her know she is being heard.

Do not ask her for any decisions. Just ask for clarifications of what she tells you --the "emotionally burned out" was a great example of something that needed more details.

Gotan, What do you think SHE would say was wrong with the marriage, if she were here?

[25yearsmlc]

I had a hard night that's why I am up. Wife came home and we got along fine took the kids out for dinner. When we came home I gave her space until I was ready to go to bed. In bed we ended up sleeping pretty close to each other until later that night she asked me to move over. She was the one that was moving closer to me what is she doing?

She's not "Doing" anything and I don't believe this is a game to her.

She is obviously very confused and in pain, and thus she is behaving accordingly, (which means inconsistently.) Don't pressure her, don't press for clarity when there is no clarity, and don't get next to her. Give her space, especially in bed.

How else is your intimacy level going?

When you said you thought she felt you put the kids ahead of her, what did YOU mean?

[25yearsmlc]

The biggest changes have been including her in plans and decisions. I am spending time with her because it had gotten to the point we only went out once a month. You have to understand we have two sons who are active in a lot of sports. So during the weekends we had three to five games each day.


Let me be blunt. I had an athletic scholarship for college, my h was an athlete, and 2 of our 3 kids are athletes - so I understand the need and love for sports. But 3-5 games a day is too much. Yes, it is too much.

Even if your sons are qualified for the Olympics (which is literally the only thing I can see as justifying that much of a FAMILY commitment,) it would require everyone in the family to support it. Clearly they all don't.

This insanely busy and sports only focus on weekends, REALLY needs to change in a big way. At the very least, someone else needs to start driving them...
If you ignore this, you do so at your peril.

What are your daughters doing when their brothers are being watched and driven everywhere?

And so, to sum up your wife's lifestyle as of 2 months ago...

your wife works full time at a job that I assume is somewhat, or very demanding? And she does some or a lot of the housework (or was), b/c otherwise she feels it's too messy and stinks for her to come home to a messy house after working all day....and for her free time, she is supposed to shuttle her kids from game to game, and or watch them, and that was her life?

Yeah I can see how her needs were not met by a long shot. I sense the feeling of being trapped. Especially since she was not a part of the decisions that dictated her life. That alone would be very alienating..

I know she felt alone because we were out of the house when she was home.

Then she felt a reflection of reality, Because she was actually either all alone, or surrounded by everyone, right?

I spend a lot of time with the kids and go out with friends and family. I don't call her and let her contact me. From what I have been reading I need to reconnect with her and she wants that. There were a lot of stressors in our house that have been taken care of. We needed a change and I think she did the only thing she thought would make a change one way or the other.



This^^ might well be true. But what stressors were there that are now "all taken care of" other than a messy house?

See, if you don't make sure that you are making the NEEDED changes and getting NEW TOOLS for handling things, then you'll be back here soon enough.

Don't think a few months of keeping the house cleaner and making date nights is going to suffice. There is a lot going on under the surface and I really think you ought to go to Retrovaille, or some other marriage workshop and "efficiently" get some help for the marriage.

(I say workshops are more 'efficient" than some MC, b/c even though weekly sessions can lead to breakthroughs, then you have to go pick up the kids or go back to work and start all over the next week.

The progress is very fragmented, and that's when you have a good marriage counselor. God forbid you don't. So for my h and I, we found weekend workshops to be much faster and more productive in terms of tools and implementing changes we wanted...and making new action plans for our marriage.)

Retrovaile is a long weekend retreat for marriages in crisis (and yours is in crisis). There are couples there on "team" and they tell you all their stories and their problems and how they worked thru them using tools they got at Retrovaille.

They'll give you some tools that you presently lack and it's pretty inspiring to hear their stories and tribulations, and yet seem them together now. No, You do NOT have to be Catholic or even Christian to attend (my h is not), but the word "God" is used there, so if that's a problem, ask them for another version for you to attend.

They have a very impressive success record, especially since MANY of the couples attending, were planning on a divorce when they first came. But 5 years later, 20 of the 25 couples are still together. If you can get her to go, you won't regret it.

As far as our sex life it was pretty bad for awhile passive aggressive attitudes. Her biggest problem was the condition of the house which the boys and I have been on top of.

What does "passive aggressive" mean in terms of your sex life and on whose part? Also, a lot of women find laundry on the floor to be a turn off, especially if they know THEY are going to be the ones who end up dealing with it...it's not a mood enhancer.

If you feel that you and the boys are going to be on top of it from now on, I guess it's "all fixed" but what about hiring a housecleaner a few times a month?

I am asking b/c I'm not sure how long you will keep this up. I assume she mentioned it many times before but only when she wanted out of the house, did you bother to make the changes.

She may feel "too little too late" and is trying to feel "in love" again. That is when a little mystery on your end could help. Be confident and attractive and get those tools so you know a lot more about how SHE Is feeling. NO more guessing.

And do get the Five Love Languges book. And read Db or DR again b/c they are really helpful to know and take in. Many people here skim parts of it and glom on only to the "easy" parts where things get magically better really fast.

In truth this is a marathon, not a sprint. If you think a wife and mother of 4 would move out of her house even part time, lightly, you'd be mistaken. Something very deep is troubling her. Don't worry about the weird lies; they make sense to me. She wants people to see her as less confused than she is, and probably needs that.

Don't confront her in front of others if you feel the need to ask, then do it in private and come from a place of "how can I support you" rather than judgement.

Do you understand what I'm suggesting?

I think there are lots of positives in your situation but it's a fragile situation and you could blow it. Ease up and do some digging deep and bravely and own what you should own.

Also are there any financial problems you could help with by going back to work or working part time at least? Could you switch places with her and offer her the chance to be a Sahm?

I think the more she feels she has a choice in things, the less trapped she'll feel. That feeling of choice and freedom definitely eases the underlying stress in our lives.

Food for thought.

[Gotan74]

I went back to work last year from Christmas until earlier this year. She asked me to stop working because between the job and the kids I was never home and the money I made just went to after school care. She gets overwhelmed when dealing with the boys. She doesn't drive so it's just me when it comes to the kids and her. I know a large part of the problems arouse out of poor communication between the two of us. When she wanted to take the kids to the parks he felt she couldn't because I didn't want to but the reason would be the kids didn't want to go and I was exhausted. I am working with her to communicate better and I do ask for clarification but try not to put pressure on her and let her go at her own pace. We had become a splintered family and that is what I am trying to repair now. I know it's going to take forever but she is worth it.

I would love to go to some type of therapy with her but she doesn't want to talk to anyone

[Gotan74]

Thanks Ben I will try that most of that talk was before I found this board and read any books. I ordered 5ll and started to read the sample chapters.

[Gotan74]

So she met me and the kids at a big art festival she likes to go to every year. We had fun but then the kids started to be kids. Their behavior wasn't really bad but she started to get irritated by them and the noise so we left. She said that she was tired and just wanted to go home and sleep. It's still too early for her to try to discuss our R and I agree with you she is just confused to what it is she wants.

[25yearsmlc]

So she met me and the kids at a big art festival she likes to go to every year. We had fun but then the kids started to be kids. Their behavior wasn't really bad but she started to get irritated by them and the noise so we left. She said that she was tired and just wanted to go home and sleep. It's still too early for her to try to discuss our R and I agree with you she is just confused to what it is she wants.

To me, she sounds clinically depressed. Before dismissing therapy or a workshop, b/c "she doesn't want to talk" inform her that at least at Retrovaille, she need say nothing in public.. It's not a touchy feely share all your emotions with strangers type of retreat. it's more contemplative and helpful and structured.

Plus it provides tools you need to work on your m better. I think you are glossing over things about "how she's confused". I mean she is deeply troubled and unhappy.

You need an engine overhaul, not a tune up. That begins with the diagnostic tests to know what to work on, so I would encourage you to explore pro marriage marriage counseling or Retrovaille (b/c that is very pro marriage, and some counselors are more like 'amicable divorce counselors" than marriage counselors).

Don't give up on the professional help so fast. I know it's risky b/c some of them rehash the past and enable people to leave their families, but if you don't get any professional help, I can't see this working for long.

I am concerned that you're sweeping the problems under the carpet by "cleaning the house", plus, she's very ripe for an affair, or a full blown MLC.
Why doesn't she drive btw? Do you live in NYC? I wonder if her getting a driver's license would help her feelings of being trapped. I am serious. It's amazing b/c I had surgery in November on my right leg (driving leg) and hip and could not drive for 3 months. I got depressed even though I had drivers around

But I was trapped and at other people's mercy. Just a thought...and yes a very small "bandaid" for you to ponder.

What do you think SHE would say if she were asked to comment on your flaws, and if she didn't think you'd hear or argue with her?

I know this ^^is mind reading but I want to know what your best guess is AND what it is based on...

Ideas?

[Gotan74]

I wan to go to therapy any kind to get her to talk to anyone about me her or the kids she will not go. I also agree that I think she is depressed but I can't make her do anything. At this point I am just trying to get her to the point where she is willing to talk. She doesn't drive because she just does not like to she has a license that was one of the problems I had with taking the kids to places with no help. Also the cleaning of the house was one of the things she had a problem with, I am very slowly learning of other problems that she had. I have made it a point of including her in a lot of decisions in the house, even if I get an I don't know I involve her more in the day to day running of the house. I know that she is deeply troubled and unhappy and I understand she needs help but she is intractable when it comes to talking to anyone about this. I told her that she didn't even have to talk about us but to talk about her and the kids.

As for my flaws the more she withdrew from the family the more responsibility I had to take. So she would say that I am controlling and dismissive of her feelings and opinions. I have raised 3 of our 4 boys as a stay at home dad and we talk a lot about their likes and dislikes. The boys will tell me things that they don't want to tell their mother. So when she asks me if they would like to do what she wants to do I would say probably not but you should ask them. She never does and thinks I am discounting her needs with the kids. So one of the changes I have started is when she asks what they want to do I say I don't know let's ask them.

I also got into the habit of telling lies just to avoid an argument. It was a juvenile way of handling our R but I did it. So I told her that I am going to be as honest with her as possible to earn back her trust. She said that she believes me and I am working very hard not to even have any statements I make be misunderstood or construed incorrectly. I more than understand my faults and what I did to lead my wife to these actions. I also understand it's going to take a long time for us to work through this. Right now I am just working for her to trust me enough to just tell me what is going on inside of her and to integrate her back into the family.

[Gotan74]

Had another good day with the W , we went on a tour of a brewery and had fun. Then we went to several different places . Now we are at home and talking and having fun. w has to go on a business trip for the week tomorrow but she wanted to know what we were going to do when she got back. That is a definite improvement. She smiled and laughed and was a positive experience today. Still can not talk about her feelings but she is talking a lot more.

[Gotan74]

Still trying to cope with the lying I don't know how I should deal with it.