Glad to hear you are doing so much better. You sound calm cool and collected. I like your plan. Smart woman! Goal setting I like it! Even better focused on you! Keep your strength and battle going. I hope I can get to the point where you are. Good luck, and thanks for your encouragement always.
Unfortunately my PMA is really declining. I am just so, so sad. So sad that H and I are in this place. It feels like I need to brace myself for anything --- including H saying he doesn't really know what he wants or even, it's over. I know some will post and tell me to be positive but I feel like that actually gets me into trouble because I expect that things will work out and then keep getting blindsided that H is really not 100% there. My heart literally hurts thinking about the A and where we might be headed. It's just awful.
Right now, I feel like I can still be strong for the call and keep my goals in mind: focus first and foremost on controlling my reactions and presenting myself well, listen and validate.
I'm going to try hard to turn my negativity around. I know that in a lot of ways I should be thankful and many would be happy to be where I am now. At least it seems I am being given a *chance*, even if H is still somewhat on the fence that's better than certain he wants to leave me. And even if he's thinking of her obviously he's not so sure about her either, otherwise he wouldn't have spent all this time with me and talking to me about all of this. If I can stick to my goals tonight I think I can really earn points for team MDU. I want a win so badly, for myself and for all of us here working so hard!
M: 42 H: 43 M: 8 years S7 and D4 H has D19 and S25 from previous M Bomb: 3/6/14 OW discovered, EA & PA 1st separation, 10 days, decided to reconcile & moved back in. Fail 2nd separation: 5/1/14
Right now, I feel like I can still be strong for the call and keep my goals in mind: focus first and foremostsolelyon controlling my reactions and presenting myself well, listen and validate.
Dang your good. Thank you! Really, the clarity around what I need to do is enormously helpful!! I am seriously going to write that down in big red letters and keep it in front of me the whole conversation.
M: 42 H: 43 M: 8 years S7 and D4 H has D19 and S25 from previous M Bomb: 3/6/14 OW discovered, EA & PA 1st separation, 10 days, decided to reconcile & moved back in. Fail 2nd separation: 5/1/14
I'll say a prayer for you, mdu. You got this. NO DECISIONS need to be made tonite, other than your OWN decision that you will no longer fly off the handle and be emotionally reactive.
This will be huge for you, when you do it. Everything else can WAIT.
About 90 minutes to go and my heart beat is already starting to pick up pace.
A couple of things to remind myself: feelings come and GO (I just need to reread my own posts to remind myself of that, just look at how much my feelings have gone up and down just TODAY, lol!); feelings can't KILL you!
Think of me tonight surrounded by sticky notes with all these little mantras written on them, lol!
M: 42 H: 43 M: 8 years S7 and D4 H has D19 and S25 from previous M Bomb: 3/6/14 OW discovered, EA & PA 1st separation, 10 days, decided to reconcile & moved back in. Fail 2nd separation: 5/1/14
So the conversation happened. I would say it went pretty well in terms of me controlling myself. Had one weak moment but then quickly got back on track. Unfortunately I think it went quite badly in terms of H and his interest in doing what I need to feel safe but I’m interested to hear others perspective. I took notes as best I could, interested in feedback!! Did I totally, totally screw up? It was a really tough conversation because he did NOT want to talk and had kind of a defensive tone. I asked a lot of questions, I don’t know if that was the right thing but if I hadn’t, there would have been NO conversation. Ugh, I really don’t know what to do now. I know everyone says that I don’t need to make any decisions right now but I’m really anxious because she’s coming MONDAY and H and I are more disconnected now than EVER. This latest development has really put a strain on us. Interestingly, H did not bring up the transparency plan at all. Which I coincidentally gave him the other day. And he has not let me know about meeting with an individual counselor, something he said he would do. All does not bode well IMO. But he’s such a bad communicator that it’s truly like pulling teeth so I don’t how to factor that into all of this. I’m kind of feeling like I need to just go totally dark (or as dark as you can with kids).
*Started out with lots of silence. Each apparently waiting for the other to say something. *Chatted about kids a little to break the silence. *Another LONG silence *Me: So do we have anything to talk about tonight? I’m wondering what you’re thinking and feeling about things. *H: I don’t know. I’ll go and get my work done and that’s that *Me: Have you come up with any ideas or solutions to help me feel safe in the marriage? *H: I don’t know what to do. I could work from home sometimes but that’s not really feasible. Do you have ideas? *Me: No, not really. How do you think you will feel seeing her? *H: Awkward *Me: Do you think it will stir up other feelings for you? *H: I can’t answer that until it happens *Me: What will you do if she tries to come into your office and talk to you? *H: I will tell her not to. I can shut the door *Me: How close will her desk be to yours? *H: About 20-25 feet away. *Me: So there’s really no avoiding her? *H: No *Me: What will you do if you’re both there late? *H: In her role she works certain hours and leaves by a certain time. I will be sure to leave when my friend D does so I’m never in the position of being alone there with her. *Me: Where exactly did she move to? Why did she move? *H: She moved to be close to her sister in X city. *Me: Do you find it surprising that she would put you both in this position? *H: I don’t know, it’s a much closer commute to where she has moved to. I can’t imagine her passing it up. *M: How do you think she'll act around you? *H: I don't know, we're at work so she'll make it about work *More long silences so finally I decided to sum things up: *Me: So can you just sum up again the things you are thinking in terms of helping me feel safe in the marriage. *H: I can make sure I am not alone in the office with her. I won’t talk to her unless it’s work related, there will be meetings with her that I won’t be able to avoid. *M: What about social events at work, like going out to lunch? What if everyone goes to lunch and she gets invited? *H: Well I will have to go sometimes otherwise it will look weird if I don’t go every time she is invited. *M: (here is where I lost it a little): So you would go to lunch with her? But H! that is how the A started! *H: (annoyed sigh) *M: Ok, thanks for your honesty and thanks for answering all my questions. Do you have any other thoughts or ideas? *H: No *M: Ok, thanks, have a good night, good-bye.
M: 42 H: 43 M: 8 years S7 and D4 H has D19 and S25 from previous M Bomb: 3/6/14 OW discovered, EA & PA 1st separation, 10 days, decided to reconcile & moved back in. Fail 2nd separation: 5/1/14
