I'm sticking with my plan and drinking a nice tall glass of STFU juice.
I just wish it had more of a kick!
------------------
I have thought about maybe saying something like:
"I've been a bit worried about all these "appointments" you've had lately. You don't need to give me any details if you don't want to, but I just wanted to make sure it's nothing serious and that you're OK..."
Something like that.
Give him a bit of an opening. ----------------------------------
Meanwhile, this is a pretty typical pattern.
We actually had a nice weekend, spend quite a bit of time together, got a lot done with no fighting, actually working together as a team. (GO ME!!!)
Now I guess he needs to remind himself how much he hates me, how it's ME that's the problem.
Cue the suspicion, the putting words into my mouth. He acts like I said or did something to upset him. -------------------------------------
I guess he's got to create distance and tension now because--GASP!--- he might have actually enjoyed spending some time with me.
He liked the things I've done for him and around the house. I've been killing him with kindness, looking great, being very cool, happy, listening and validating. Keeping everything nice, doing nice things, not really FOR him, but which benefit him and make his life easier. (No expectations, just being kind as usual.)
He's really got NOTHING TO PIN ON ME, nothing to complain about!
So somewhere in his Amoeba brain the little cells (neurons... wait, no, amoebas don't have brains, which is kind of appropriate, dontcha think?)
..let's just say: In his squirmy Amoeba cellular mass, there is a process occurring.
GUBU has been used to moving away from unpleasant stimulus. (ME). Now he is reflexively moving away, although the stimulus has gone.
So he doesn't know which direction to go now.
Could it be that I am now offering a POSITIVE STIMULUS? Yes, indeed I am!
So the need to locomote in the opposite direction is now a cheeseless tunnel... (Yeah, I know. Amoebas don't eat cheese, either.)
Yet, GUBU is still CONDITIONED to MOVE AWAY from contact with me. So move away he does.
It's merely a reflex, a carryover from earlier stimulus response interactions.
It feels right---so GUBU continues to do this. -----------------------
I submit that eventually, this behavior will be extinguished if conditions remain favorable.
And that GUBU will eventually be reconditioned to move towards "ME".
If not, I think a bit of electric current applied to the opposite side of the Petrie dish might be called for...
---GGG
Who has to go back to cutting brush in the hot sun, Y'all. Check ya later!!!
Me 54 Him 63 M 23 T 29 0 Kids Funny Farm of Rescues 12/12 OW-- 5/13 ILYBINILWY: A denied 9/13 Proof OW: ENDED 2/14 Got D papers on my BD I kicked him out for my sanity 9/14 He wants to "talk"?
GGG, I’ve been really enjoying your updates this morning (afternoon by now.) A lot of it could have been written about my H. The part about the “new” fantasy life.
My H is still looking for that “perfect” partner. He almost found one 4 months after BD. It was our mutual friend’s cousin who was visiting her. It was at our vacation home place. I don’t what H was thinking at the time about how it would work out. I’m still puzzled. She is Mexican, doesn’t have US visa, she is a lot younger (33 now), was never married before, lost her job right after she went back home.
They exchanged the e-mails for some time, but didn’t meet in person after that first encounter. I don’t think there was anything physical, just didn’t get to that point. Interesting thing was that H was not into her. In one of his e-mails he said that he wants to purse the relationship with her and see if they can develop some “chemistry”. I think the reason he picked her is that he thought she would do what he needs her to do, travel with him while he is working and live with him at the vacation home in his off time. All while still being married to me (he didn’t want to pursue the D at that time.) How was he going to bring her over? On a visa to “visit a married man and live with him”? Where would she work? What if she would get sick? Would she live in the vacation home with him while my stuff was still there and I would come to visit? I don’t think he was thinking about this at all. He just wanted a “new” life with a “new” person.
And just like you said, he is looking for ANYONE to make him feel better. And she was looking for a sugar daddy. Haha… My H? With no place to live that he can call his own, with seasonal job that is not guaranteed to bring steady income, with health issues, and yes, ED (but he thinks that it is not an issues, it was me who was to blame.) I guess when she realized that he is not what she thought he was, she dumped him.
Oh year, forgot to mention, he was telling her how wonderful it is to live in his camper when he travels for work. He even sent her the pictures of it.
GGG, I would ask him about the password for the insurance. If it is your policy too, you have the right to check it.
Maybe he needs some medical treatment now, since you’ve been slowly “killing him with kindness”. Or, like my H, start some “serious” treatment with Viagra. I think his Doc prescribed it to him in small dozes to prevent ED while looking for a new partner.
M:50 H:52 S28 (my S from previous marriage) M:17 + 3 BD: 06/12 S: 06/12 - H works in another state
I feel like he's actually going to get even worse before he gets better.
He definitely cycles... there is a pattern, but in some ways he seems far, far worse than he was even back in late 2013.
At least then he was apologizing, seemed more vulnerable, more open to talking.
Ever since he filed for D, he's just sort of clammed up and on this path without a turn-off.
I guess for him to admit he'd been wrong in that course of action would be tantamount to admitting he's WEAK.
Instead of seeing that avoiding his problems is actually the weak way to go about it.
---------------------------------------
It seems like he's sharing less than ever, gives me no indication of what his plans are... whereas before he talked about moving into the basement, etc...
Now it's just like neither of us brings up ANYTHING about the R.
Which is fine by me, actually.
But he seems to have checked out on me even more...
I almost feel like he thinks the bar is set too high for him to ever reach. So why even try?
I swear he was more open and supportive (though not exactly compassionate) when I was miserable and bawling my eyes out. He saw me as vulnerable and maybe under those circumstances it was easier for him to open up more.
Now that I'm GALing, he seems to have resigned himself to the fact that I'm history.
?????????
It's hard to be vulnerable around someone who doesn't appear to have much weakness. And I think that's how I'm coming across now.
So perhaps I should add a smidge of "vulnerability" to my Agar broth?
Not "helplessness", not "Doormat Clinger", just a bit of "I NEED YOU." Just--a LITTLE bit. Sometimes.
I wonder if that would help?
I'm a pretty confident cookie, very capable and independent. I have the female version of the "Male Brain". Pretty analytical, more logical than emotional... But deep down, I'm ALL GIRL.
In contrast, his OW was needy, damaged, clingy. And he is a self-described "Caretaking Type".
He needs to feel "needed". Hence all the rescue dogs I'm caring for now on my own!
So maybe a 180 for ME would be to ASK for help instead of DIY? Like the bike thing. That worked out really well. I think hiring my farm boy might have the opposite effect at this point. I think it would just make him angry, not the reaction I'm going for.
I think it's been made quite clear that I need not be lonely or would have trouble finding male companionship. I have not rubbed his nose in it, but he knows that I've had "offers" over the years, long before this happened.
I'm sure he knows that those "offers" have been stepped up now. This has got to be threatening to him.
----------------------------
You have to remember folks, I'm a bit of an oddball.
You've got the ADD, the Aspergers... I'm a quirky mix.
I'm a very independent woman. I am happy on my own. I don't need much external validation. I can do pretty much anything I set my mind to.
I'm strong, bendable (Like GUMBY!), and I have an arsenal of coping skills I've had to learn over the years.
Even more now, thanks to this nice little experience!
Maybe that's---TOO MUCH????
Thoughts?
---GGG
Maybe I need to channel a bit more of my inner "Damsel in Distress". Don't men LIKE that sort of thing? Maybe they do, if they didn't CAUSE the distress!!!
Me 54 Him 63 M 23 T 29 0 Kids Funny Farm of Rescues 12/12 OW-- 5/13 ILYBINILWY: A denied 9/13 Proof OW: ENDED 2/14 Got D papers on my BD I kicked him out for my sanity 9/14 He wants to "talk"?
About the lockout from accessing YOUR own health insurance portal, I'd bring it up to H as in "H, I was trying to access the health insurance portal and was blocked from it due to an invalid password. Do you know anything about it?"
Sit back and listen.
All the rest of the stuff you asked about in your posts is all H's sandbox. Stay out of his sandbox. I know it is hard to do so when you are feeling itchy to find out exactly what's going on with H medical-wise.
So maybe a 180 for ME would be to ASK for help instead of DIY? Like the bike thing. That worked out really well.
I would be very sparing with this since you don't want to come off as insincere with H. You could ask H to take a look at this and that...then see how it goes. No, you don't need to change anything you've been doing in DBing so far.
So I guess all those times he said his ED was because he "wasn't attracted to me" was a pile of ca-ca!
I don't think he has anyone to actually USE it with, I think it's more in his fantasy plan of when his dating situation improves to the degree that he has envisioned!
Or maybe he thinks he's going to use it with me some time.... NOT!!!!
And yes, no worries. I logged onto the insurance site and I can still access all MY info, but he has now blocked me from seeing his.
Gee---I wonder what is so embarrassing? I know about his dentist, his internist, orthopedic surgeon.
It's gotta be sexual/psychological. That's the only thing left! And the only thing he'd want to hide from me.
As job says and I think AJM too--- "In time, all will be revealed."
---GGG
Me 54 Him 63 M 23 T 29 0 Kids Funny Farm of Rescues 12/12 OW-- 5/13 ILYBINILWY: A denied 9/13 Proof OW: ENDED 2/14 Got D papers on my BD I kicked him out for my sanity 9/14 He wants to "talk"?
I guess I was holding a lot inside and it is now exploding out onto the board!
I thought about what you suggested... And I think I WILL ask about it, once things calm down a little.
I SWEAR I can feel him being p*ssed at me from fifty miles away!
It's a bit of that psychic thing. It's just "in the air".
But you're right, as usual.
It's his sandbox but I'm getting really po'd at him making such a mess in it.
Plus he's tossing all the cat turds over into my box and it's starting to stink over here too!
---GGG
Me 54 Him 63 M 23 T 29 0 Kids Funny Farm of Rescues 12/12 OW-- 5/13 ILYBINILWY: A denied 9/13 Proof OW: ENDED 2/14 Got D papers on my BD I kicked him out for my sanity 9/14 He wants to "talk"?
But he seems to have checked out on me even more...
I can say the same about my H.
I think your H is so confused. He thought that he had a plan, like you described earlier. He would live nearby, so you could still be there for him, if he needed, but he would have an OW who would make him happy, and everything would be peachy. I guess it is not working for him and he is realizing it. This is probably why he is angry. He is not ready to have you completely out of his life, so he is experimenting. And I think you might be right when you say that he painted himself into the corner and doesn’t know how to get out of it.
I agree with Wonka, you’ve doing DB perfectly.
M:50 H:52 S28 (my S from previous marriage) M:17 + 3 BD: 06/12 S: 06/12 - H works in another state
After almost 24 hours with no comm from him-- (I will not initiate, especially after he was snippy with me, and I can hold out a LOT longer than he can!)-- I just got a flurry of texts from H.
(GUBU has vanished for the moment and H seems to be back. I guess I should enjoy it while this "personality" is "out".)
He says what time he's leaving work, what time he'll arrive, asks if the tree guys came.
(They did NOT, to which he responded "j*rkoffs!" so there's a bit of that nasty. He loves to cut other people down these days)
I respond all happy and funny, just upbeat, not mad at him.
He then volunteers that he has a specific event on Friday and has to be there later than he'd said because this specific co-worker is on vacation. (Easily checked, I know her. Not that I would need to, but he knows I can find out if he's lying.)
He was going to come home early to cover for me so I can go to a weekend dance/music jam with friends in DC.
So--he's essentially saying: "Sorry, I'll be late, Here's why and it can't be helped."
That's all I'm asking for and I got it. I did NOT let him bait me when he got irritable. Yay, me!
Positive reinforcement from me--I mean "Stimulus" : "No problem at all, I can leave later and I'll take care of everybody."
(Note: I did NOT say, "Thanks for letting me know you're not out chasing women and telling them you're single..."!)
Rapid response and to the point.
No--he didn't push my buttons yesterday....nooooooooooo........
Nothing gets to GGG!
Only you DBers know the TRUTH!
Me 54 Him 63 M 23 T 29 0 Kids Funny Farm of Rescues 12/12 OW-- 5/13 ILYBINILWY: A denied 9/13 Proof OW: ENDED 2/14 Got D papers on my BD I kicked him out for my sanity 9/14 He wants to "talk"?
I'm glad to see that you didn't take the bait of getting into a heated discussion w/him. Sometimes we just have to put it out there in a very nice and civil manner to get the answers we need.
BTW, it's time for you to think about a new thread. You've over shot the 100 posting requirement and your thread will probably be locked in the near future.
Hang in there!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I am going to clarify that for him the next time he mentions divorce, because I believe he doesn't think I'm serious.
He needs to know that once all is settled, I will not ever see or speak to him again. No Christmas cards, no Happy Birthday, no nothing.
If he's sick...well then he can call OW or anybody else. I will be out of his life totally.
And I mean that with every fiber of my being. I will not waver on it either.
He needs a refresher on this when the time is right.I think that'll be my next "Truth Dart". Along with one about safe sex!!!!
And with that, HAVE A FABULOUS DAY, FELLOW DBERS!!!! ---GGG
GoatGal I have been just catching up on your posts, TRYING to read - THROUGH the tears in my eyes from the laughter!!
Anyway, it's funny re: above Q. - I feel the same. Too many MLCers want THEIR plan, with a 'tiny, little disclaimer' hidden in there ... And that it, that IF things don't go according to 'the plan' re: OW/OM, or sickness/health issues, then 'we, the LBS can come out to play' ... Well, I don't think so! You're (mlcer) on your own!
Keep dancing! p.
pbetra ---- M: 15 yrs (in 2014) BD: 6/03/2014 Infidelity ('known' from July 2014) Denied PA Feb 2015 2 leave Mar 2015 (left early Summer). Some contact. Back briefly 2017 (after family death) Separated 2017
