It's seriously taking ALL of my willpower to not call him back & ask him if we're trying to reconcile or not...because it sure does not seem like it. But he is also seriously the most defensive human I have ever known so maybe that colored the whole conversation. The whole thing was just seriously off. Ugh! Hope someone can chime in with feedback relatively soon. Feeling so frustrated & disappointed
M: 42 H: 43 M: 8 years S7 and D4 H has D19 and S25 from previous M Bomb: 3/6/14 OW discovered, EA & PA 1st separation, 10 days, decided to reconcile & moved back in. Fail 2nd separation: 5/1/14
So, I'm going to fess up. I did call him and totally, totally screwed up. Yup, I failed the big test. I can't even bring myself to detail it, I am so ashamed. I didn't yell at him but I did put a ton of pressure on him about reconciling and moving back home. Yup, let my anxiety rule me once again. Let's just say at least now it's TOTALLY clear to me that we are not at all piecing, not even close. And yes, my actions have pushed us even farther away from that now. I just suck. I really feel like I need to go dark, for my own protection, because I really cannot take this back and forth with him. And can't even begin to imagine how I'm going to deal with her being in his office next week other than to completely disengage from him. I can't ML one day and then the next wonder if he's hanging all day with her at work (and possibly more). I just can't do this, I'm not strong enough.
M: 42 H: 43 M: 8 years S7 and D4 H has D19 and S25 from previous M Bomb: 3/6/14 OW discovered, EA & PA 1st separation, 10 days, decided to reconcile & moved back in. Fail 2nd separation: 5/1/14
Let's say someone with "healthy self esteem" is in this situation.....(and I say this because your self esteem seems to be low right now.) Making these types of decisions in that condition causes people to do things they would never do when they have the right kind of self esteem.
I believe they would say... "What in the hell am I doing here even considering this?? It's one thing to forgive an affair, but even THINKING about it being ok to have a man and a woman who have had a RECENT affair working 25 feet from each other 8 hours a day and thinking it is ME that should be learning how to cope with it is total nonsense, I not only can't do that to myself, but I WON'T do it. End of story"
Now.. Let's say you try to make this work... Let's say that it doesn't and you end up divorced. Let's say he ends up with her... Let's say that 5 years down the road and you are healthy emotionally, self esteem back, and really happy...
I believe you would look back and say the same thing the above person did.. "What in the hell was I thinking, I can't believe I even thought so low of myself that I let that happen. THAT will never happen again to me. I don't need that in my life."
I am saying this because I just want YOU to make sure what your heart is truly telling you and that you aren't just going along with what some of the others are saying. Maybe your emotions are all over the place for good reason. It's almost like asking for pain.
Maybe.. And I do say maybe.. If you are reconciled and doing great 5 years down the line and suddenly your husband and the OW end up with a chance to work in the same office again... then MAYBE you would be ok with it... But NOW????
In other words.. There really is NOTHING wrong with you saying you can't and won't do it. Just strong and firm. No anger. Just resolve. I don't think you would look back and be sorry down the road.. Maybe now you would go back and forth.. But NOT down the road. Down the road when your self esteem comes back... I believe you will say you were GLAD you were strong...
It's great that you are wanting to make changes and I believe you do. Asking you to make changes and asking you to do this is two very different things.
Starsky.. With what you have gone through.. What do you think you would do if this same situation came upon you now? Taking mdu out of it. With what you know now, what would you do or say?
You've got this. Don't be so hard on yourself. Mistakes happen. Step back, calm down and process. What your dealing with is incredibly scary, and your anxiety is normal. Process for a bit and work on a technique to keep yourself focused. A cue you can use maybe. Keep your head up high. This isn't supposed to be easy or everyone would do it . Your doing great!
Unfortunately I am in really bad shape. H really gave me very little hope that he is willing/able to partner with me and help me feel safe in the marriage. It all started off so badly with him just being totally silent, it was clear he did not really give serious thought to me and how this is impacting me. While people may read through our exchange and feel that he gave some decent answers I can't emphasize enough the negative tone throughout. In the end he was quite mean and cold, just like he was during the A. It feels like her coming up here is kicking it all up again for him and we're back to the beginning. And the thought that I then 'misbehaved' AGAIN and likely pushed him even closer to her is just more than I can bare. I feel just awful about myself and that my kids are the only thing keeping me even remotely going at the moment. I am so devastated (again!). I seriously am not sure how I will get through the day and I totally can't even imagine facing next week when she will be in the office with him, I am in so much pain right now. I am really hoping I can find a way to start to pull out of this pain.
M: 42 H: 43 M: 8 years S7 and D4 H has D19 and S25 from previous M Bomb: 3/6/14 OW discovered, EA & PA 1st separation, 10 days, decided to reconcile & moved back in. Fail 2nd separation: 5/1/14
Yes, they do. But mdu you CAN'T keep making the SAME mistake, over and over again. Your anxiety is playing right into your husband's "See how she is?? This'll never work" fears (which are legitimate, I might add).
This "I just can't help myself" thing, I'm calling b.s. on. You had all the support in the world here yesterday and you still couldn't wait until the morning (or even later last nite) to get some feedback.
I'll save my comments for your HUSBAND for later. Right now, the goal was for YOU to remain calm and not go off on him.
I would ordinarily not be in favor of going dark (or even dim) at the stage you guys were at, but your inability to control your emotions and not let him "get" to you is causing further damage each time it happens, so yeah -- I think you need to do a hard-core Harley "Plan B" here, with an intermediary and everything (more on that later). Your husband may or not respond to that, but I think it gives you your best chance.
Sorry, but I calls 'em as I sees 'em, and coddling you isn't going to help your marriage.
Whew. Today is a new day. Yup, we all make mistakes during our weak moments. Brush it off and pick yourself up.
I would suggest that you change up your approach. Making it all about the OW is causing friction. You must change the focus to "US"...MDU and Mr. MDU.
For now, you do need to step back to get your equilibrium back. Take a few days away from your sitch and GAL big time over the weekend to take your mind off the convos with H.
Like Starsky, I don't think it is advisable for you to go dark at this point because of the precarious position you two are in.
In reading the phone convo last night, it came across as an interrogation to me. Not good. From this point and on, you are going have to set aside all questions, your anxieties & insecurities and focus on being light and breezy in each interaction with H.
You want to present yourself in a positive light that presents a stark contrast to the OW.
No more calls to H when you're feeling anxious and insecure for no good comes out of it for it leaves not so positive memories in H's mind. At some point, he's going to throw up his arms in the air and just walk away.
Take a long, hard look at your reactions and FIGURE out a way to get a grip on them. They alone are causing you difficulties. Yes, we all know that you are in a difficult situation with the OW moving into H's company facility ...doesn't mean you have to MAKE IT MORE difficult on top of it with your trigger-fast angry reactions.
At this point, I view it as a minor dust-up. However, I am concerned about your ongoing trigger-fast negative reactions for it will take a serious toll on H and on your M.
For now, you would want to just focus on GALing all weekend with friends, kids, and activities.
To be clear, I AM advising that she go dark. Ideally, she would do that right after a more POSITIVE interaction with her husband, but I think the most important thing right now is to limit further damage by emotional outbursts.
mdu's husband is not presenting as a man who is "willing to do whatever it takes," or even necessarily as someone who is committed to reconciling. I would have preferred mdu to stop that interrogation (and I too felt like it was an interrogation) VERY early, and say something like "So here we are, and now with a new wrench. What can we do here, what are your thoughts, H?" -- and bounced it RIGHT back to him, where it belongs.
I think the power equilibrium is all outta whack here, and mdu's GOTTA find a way to get it back.
My opinion only. I have the utmost of respect for Wonka, and when your husband is ready there is no one I would rather have calling the day-to-day advice shots. I just don't think he's ready, mdu.
M: 42 H: 43 M: 8 years S7 and D4 H has D19 and S25 from previous M Bomb: 3/6/14 OW discovered, EA & PA 1st separation, 10 days, decided to reconcile & moved back in. Fail 2nd separation: 5/1/14
. Your doing great!