Thank you for your response, Jack. It's so nice to have you back active on the board.
Originally Posted By: Jack_Three_Beans
If things are stagnant...not changing, you owe it to yourself to change something and see how what happens.
Originally Posted By: FY
If a MLC takes years to work through, isn't there bound to be some stagnation in there? What with the whole "we can't fix 'em" and all?
You asked me this question on Cali's thread and I'd like to respond.
Getting a different response is not fixing them, and my thoughts on changing things only apply if you can no longer handle the status quo/stagnation of the situation.
A different response can be anything from them being a little nicer to them not involving you in their drama...whatever YOU need to make it for as long as you can through their MLC.
This whole MLC trip your involvement, lasts only as long as you are willing to be a part of it.
Did that make any sense?
Yes it does. I never thought the reason for us to change something was to fix our spouse. Your follow up thoughts "changing things only apply if you can no longer handle the status quo/stagnation of the situation" clarifies it for me.
Except for brief moments here and there, I have no problem handling our status quo/stagnation situation. My wife is pleasant to me and there is virtually no drama. I feel she is working through her crisis... ever so slowly. As much as I am happy there is no OP, I sometimes think if there was it would speed things up. I believe the term is wallower.
Of course I could bail at any time, but since I'm fairly content with everything else, it would just be for physical intimacy/sex. Then too we have the 35 (very decent) years together thing going... that's worth a lot to me. So even though at some point it may happen, bailing seems so silly.
So I'm back to patience... and cracking jokes...
Originally Posted By: Jack_Three_Beans
Better equipment...makes me laugh. All I can think about is a high chrome polish jack rabbit personal massager with 16 different modes.
My wife likes rabbits. Would giving her one of these for Christmas count as "changing something"?
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
Thanks in part to my playful prodding, sister in law who has never hosted Thanksgiving before will be hosting it this year! W and I will be bringing a butternut squash/polenta dish that she did a test run on last weekend... It was very good! The entire family is looking forward to the day.
Even with the cold weather the brave souls in my Saturday morning group bicycle ride still roll on. The last 2 weeks I invited my neighbor, who is also a cyclist, to join us. His W of 33 years recently passed due to long term health issues she had been dealing with. She was only 57. W and I attended the service, as did his out of state family and other neighbors. Since his family has returned home he enjoys our rides, and more importantly the socializing.
I recently finished up a restoration on an almost 50 year old bicycle. This particular model is popular with collectors and is quite valuable. It was given to me by my father in law who found it in the trash! I have another project bike right behind it.
I also found a ladies frame cruiser that my Dad mentioned he wanted because at almost 78 it is easier for him to mount and dismount. He was trilled!
W has taken a turn towards happiness the past couple of weeks. More telling me stories, showing me FB posts on her iPad, more smiling, more life in her eyes. She has gotten regular with exercising again, so I'm certain that has a lot to do with it. Adequate exercise is so important to our wellbeing!
W continues to tell me about her (nighttime) dreams, and I'm happy to report there haven't been any bad ones with me in them for quite a while now. Yay!
It seems that time measurement has been lost though. A couple of months ago W couldn't remember if our dog was 15 or 16, which is odd for her. Then when she recently initiated a conversation about the anniversary of a neighbor who had died 2 years ago, she thought it was 3. She also thought her Moms passing (The Big Trigger) was 4 years ago when it was only 3! I guess it seems like longer to her.
Sometimes I can't believe it's been almost 3 years... and that we're both still here!
Enjoying each new day as it comes…
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
What a wonderful update! Yeah, it seems that your W is slowly coming to life once again. Shoot, I can't compete with her. Throwing down my towel for your affections.
Keep going. You're doing GREAT! Might want to try taking up skateboarding (tongue in cheek).
I am very happy to read your posting. I had a smile on my face as I read each paragraph, but especially the one about your w's turn towards happiness. FY, this is a huge baby step in the right direction.
I'm glad to see that you and your group are still biking even while it's getting colder outside. I'm sure your restoration of the bike looks great and what a wonderful hobby to get into. You can see your progress from start to finish and when you are done, you can step back and be proud of what you've done.
You have to remember that MLCers tend to lose time in the tunnel. They trip is on a slow clock, whereas we are on the real time and days, months and even years are so very different for them. As she continues to wake up, she'll begin to see just how much time has passed, as well as how things have changed. She's like Rip Van Winkle!
Continue to do what you've been doing as it's worked for you. I do hope that you and your w will enjoy your Thanksgiving w/your sister in law and family. It should be interesting to she how well she does since this will be her first rodeo hosting it. LOL!
Take care.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Hey there FY- catching up and so happy to hear about the changes in W. I hope they continue to progress.
Wishing you a wonderful Thanksgiving!
Me 41 H 40 M 20 T 23 S 19,16, 8 D 13 BD1 dec 2012 not sure going to work BD2 sep 2013 seeking a D Filed oct 2013, D Feb 2015 Life is about daring greatly, about being in the arena- Brene Brown
If I do will you reconsider throwing in the towel?
Originally Posted By: job
Continue to do what you've been doing as it's worked for you. I do hope that you and your w will enjoy your Thanksgiving w/your sister in law and family. It should be interesting to she how well she does since this will be her first rodeo hosting it. LOL!
Thank you so much for this, job. It is so nice to hear these words of validation (bolded by me above) from someone with all the experience and knowledge you possess on the entire MLC topic.
My wife and I have already talked about how this year (with SIL hosting Thanksgiving) will be "different", but still fine. SIL is not the Martha Stewart that my wife and sister are.
Originally Posted By: daring
Hey there FY- catching up and so happy to hear about the changes in W.
Thank you, daring. It's been a very slow change, and very hard to sense when you're as close as I am. But after looking over some of my posts here from a year ago, I'm convinced there is an acceptance of sorts, and a warming up in her heart. It's been quite a while since I've heard about "not caring if I die".
We've got a ways to go, and it all could blow up and be tossed away, but I am so glad I haven't yet given up on us.
--------------
Funny story. Last night my wife was in the kitchen cooking and cleaning for hours. (made us a really nice dinner) I noticed the room looked a little hazy and asked her if she noticed it too. She said she did. So I opened a couple of windows, but it made no difference.
Then, the light bulb went off in my head. It had been raining all day, and we had two humidifiers going in the house. When I checked, the humidity in the house was at 86%! When I told W of my discovery she said "maybe you better turn off the humidifiers before it starts raining in here!"
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
I wanted to share that my H still has no concept of the time that passed during MLC. Even now, he recollects things either way too long by years, or way too short. I've gotten used to this and don't really try to correct him.
Its really true they lose their sense of time passing.
Last night, I read aloud to my H this quote from the National Assoc. of Realtors:
"The Atlantic has an interesting article on the real drop in contentment seen across cultures by those in their 40s, AKA the Midlife Crisis. Contentment turns out be U-shaped, dropping though your 20s and 30s as most of us fail to live up to our high expectations and dreams and rising in our 50s as we outperform our now less exalted goals. Overall happiness actually continues to rise as we age through our golden years. It’s a bit long, but worth a read, especially if you’re Gen X and are going through a slump."
I asked H if that rang true for him. Was MLC a result of dream and goal failure?
He said there was some amount of "if I don't do it now, it will never happen in my life". But he mostly looked at my blankly,
Then he said that he was so much more content than last year, than the year before that as well. And he couldn't imagine getting into his 50's and being so content, but he believed it could happen. He said, he especially believed there was happiness in his future, as he never foresaw that he could get out of his MLC depression.
I asked him if he was happy now. He doesn't use the term "happy", he uses the term "content". And he acts that way.
I'm so encouraged, FY, you have been able to continue to wait for W. It sounds so positive that she is slowly moving towards this "contentment".
And funny story about the humidity!!!!
Me54/H47 '08 H is "done" March '12 H moved out Brink of D, December '12 2014 totally reconciled! ...... "I firmly believe in the...absolute possibility of marriage renewal." Jim Conway
I can echo what you said about having no concept of time and contentment.
For me, I try and try to recall the years I had my MLC and draw a blank. It frustrates me hugely because I have a very good memory. Something about MLCer and Swiss Cheese. I'd love to know the science behind all of this.
As for contentment, I am much more mellow and relaxed now than during my frantic, desperate MLC years. That's for sure! I believe that deep contentment will happen with me in short order and I'm looking forward to it.
Thanks for dropping by, RH! It’s so nice to know that things continue to get better with you and your husband. Hearing his thoughts post crisis is always enlightening, and gives me hope.
I agree that contentment is a much better term for where we should aim to be than happy. One could make themselves happy for brief periods, (a few beers does it for me!) but still not be content overall. Contentment is not so fleeting… more of a feeling of wellbeing over long periods. Certainly the place we want to be whether we are dealing with a crisis or not! How to get there is what this wonderful board is all about.
Wonka, correct me if I’m wrong, but I don’t believe “science” has ever acknowledged MLC as a real condition. Yet here we all are with similar stories and scripts. Something is going on!
Oh, and since I did learn how to ride a unicycle, (had the sorry sore behind to prove it!) skateboards don’t scare me one bit. I'm ready to roll when you are!
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
