BD and 6 months later PA confirmed (2)

[Bunches]

Having a hard time not trying to reach out to W now. She text me on Thursday afternoon to let me know an Aunt had died. She is always very sensitive to anyone she knows passing. I text her back to let her know I was sorry to hear that and that S and I were around if she needed anything. Not trying to 'save her' or sound uncaring. Trying to let it be since then.

I've been struggling a lot recently to understand things. My W perception of things drives me nuts. I can't say I understand it fully but what I get is she tried communicating for years while I was unresponsive to her needs. She gave up, BD, and was sure she wanted D two weeks later. She started PA but doesn't see it as an A because she had already told me she wanted D. A ends months later because OM is still married and she didn't know. She shows no signs of thinking about reversing course. She is happy to be settling into life without me. The only things I hear from others are she says she regrets how much she hurt me and that she no longer has S.

I know I still focus way too much on my sitch and how I got here. But most other people's sitch's I read on the site have WAS second guessing or going back and forth at least to some degree. I feel like I must be doing something wrong still or not 180 the right things to have gotten no real reaction or change in course in 10 months. Am I wrong? Am I just over thinking it?

[Barrybran]

Different strokes for different folks, Bunches. The affair only recently ended so while your situation may have been going on for ten months it really has only been going on for the time since her A ended as you didn't stand a chance while she was actively involved with someone else. Keep looking after yourself and your son and things will start to fall your way whether W is part of your future or not.

[Bunches]

You have a good point Barry. I don't think she saw me the same at all during A. Now that A has ended I keep hearing from other people that she knows she screwed up. W text again last night.

W: Hey. How's S?
M: He's okay...sleeping now.
W: Did he have a good day at school? How are you?
M: Sounds like school was good. He is having a cranky week so far. I'm feeling well.
W: Why so cranky?
M: Hoping he just got tired from the busy weekend, plus being out late last night. Tomorrow should be better.
W: Oh ok.

Can't really tell if she is warming or just dealing with the guilt of not seeing S enough. She generally texts every 2 - 3 days she doesn't see him. S hasn't seen her again since last Monday.

[Bunches]

Another texting exchange with W yesterday:

W: Hey, how was S today?
M: Another rough day for him. Cried in the morning at the bus and with sitter before I came home.
W: Poor Baby. Can I come see him tomorrow?
M: Sure, we can manage that. When?
W: I work until 7 and can come right afterwards. I don't know if he's missing me or not, but this is the longest I've gone without seeing him and it's tearing me up.
M: I'm sure it's difficult for you. It's hard on all of us. You know we keep an open door for visits. I'm sure your schedule makes things difficult though.
W: It does, but I can change things around for him. I need to see him more than this, and he needs it too.
M: I agree. I'm doing the best I can, but I'm sure he would benefit from having you around more.
W: You are doing a fantastic job and don't you doubt it for a second! I'm sure it's hard on you as well. Maybe we can come up with a better system so I can see him more and do more to help you out.
M: I welcome the help. I just don't want it to take away from my time with him. I'm sure we can figure something out. Thanks by the way.
W: I want to do anything I can for our son. And I won't try to infringe on your time. I just want to do more and have time with him as well.
M: I understand. Come by tomorrow after work. S can show you his new dance moves.
W: Ok, sounds good. Thank you.

Sorry for the long post but I'm hoping to get some feedback on my interactions these days. I read DB and check the boards here every day but its one thing to read what you should do and another to implement it correctly in interactions. With S schedule and W work schedule I'm fairly confident we will only be able to come up with her spending time here with us more or out doing things on the weekends. As it is W gets off work at 7 every day and S is supposed to be in bed at 9. Mornings are out because he is on a bus at 6:30. Anyhow, just on my brain this morning obviously.

[Barrybran]

Looks good Bunches. You've got the validation part down, you're making yourself and your son available to your wife and you're not changing your life around to accommodate her. I think you're in a good spot with how you're handling things.

[Bunches]

Thanks for that Barry. I know I can be terrible at implementing the advice others give me some times so its good now and then to check me. The feedback is most appreciated! I know everybody is taking personal time to help each other out here on this site and it means so much to have the support of others here.

Now we will see if I can hold to my DB rules for tonight's visit.
Fingers Crossed!!

[Bunches]

So last nights visit from W went terrible. She came in super nice and I think I just let my expectations come creeping in and really shouldn't have. She told me how great the place looked and clean it was, said she was impressed. She saw the new decorating I did in S room and told me I did a great job. Asked about any other plans I had for his room and wanted to see if I would put a large picture of the three of us right above his bed. She asked for something to eat as we were having dinner about the time she arrived. The first part of the evening was great, breezy conversation with some laughs. Then when she wanted to talk about changing S schedule things turned bad. This was probably my fault but I got really mad. She wanted to change the schedule so she could keep her every other weekend but also pick up S twice a week on designated days to take him out somewhere for a few hours. I didn't like this and told her so. I feel like thats too much and with his Autism its harder on him when his schedule is disrupted. Having him out from 6 til just before bedtime twice a week makes it chaos for him. She immediately got defensive and said she was unhappy the way it was and it was 'not going to be that way going forward, whether I liked it or not'. There is where I got mad because she came to my home and started dictating schedule to me. I managed to keep most things to myself rather than saying the things that came to mind, but she said a few things that still having me angry. We talked about several options and eventually settled on Thursdays after her weekend and Tuesdays after my weekend as long as she gets him by 6 and has him home shortly after 8.

A few things she said during the argument bug me. At one point she stared off for a few minutes and asked me "If I decided I wanted to come back right now, would you want me here knowing I don't want to be here?" I didn't give an answer to that one. I did say it wasn't a fair question and it didn't matter what I would say to that. Her feelings are her feelings and I can't give an answer that changed her mind I figured. She also told me we might as well settle on a schedule since there was going to be one in the paperwork anyways. She told me she considered the D papers a formality at this point anyways so we might as well just hammer out what its going to be. Talked about how hard her life is and how much she is not enjoying things and all she does is work, sleep, and think about S and her not being with him.

Anyhow, it could have been worse but I know if I truly had no expectations I would not have gotten upset and defensive.

[Bunches]

So I had the chance to work from home today and pickup S from the bus. Didn't have any plans because I wasn't sure how late work would keep me busy but I knew W was coming to pickup S for the weekend so I went ahead and got his stuff ready ahead of time and got myself dressed up like I would for a date, which I don't have. When W called for us to buzz her in at the gate I went out with S and bags to wait for her and pretended I had somewhere to be. Had on some cologne, nice slacks, and new dress shoes. I went straight for putting S in the car and doted on him for just a minute about how much I would miss him this weekend, then just said have a great weekend and turned to leave. W stopped me to ask if it was okay to drop him off at 6 and then commented that I was awfully well dress for working at home for the day. I just said oh yeah, I wasn't dressed like this during the day. I feel kind of stupid doing something like that. But I felt all nasty and sloppy after having worked from a couch for the day. And I know its mind reading but she was smiling too much when she asked about being dressed up, like she thought it was a good thing. Not confused or curious, just happy about it.

I think I'm going to spend some more time shopping this weekend for new clothes. I don't think I did enough picking up new clothes and making it appear like I have a reason to be dressed up. I'm also going to stop being upset about this change in S schedule. Maybe I can take this as an opportunity to go ahead and get out more and do some small things for myself during the week while I don't have S for a couple hours after work.

[Barrybran]

All aboard the PMA-train. I like how you looked at your son spending more time with your wife as an opportunity to do more things for yourself.

[Bunches]

Need some feedback here.

I picked up my S tonight from W's apartment at 6 and he got really upset. He cried for a quite a while after leaving her place like he often does cause he doesn't understand each time she leaves or I have to pick him up. W was really upset as always and kept texting me if he was okay. It really irked me because I get really mad that she has done all this and he has to suffer.

Okay, so I get home and get him to bed and then talk to a friend of mine that helps talk me down when I get really frustrated about all this. Long story short, she tells me that if W wants S to live with her that I should let her have him because kids need their mom's in a special way that is more important than having dad. She has me feeling guilty for keeping my S living with me when I could elect to let him go live with W instead. Am I wrong for keeping S? I feel like I need more than just this one opinion.