Finding my way - part 2

[pilot]

^^^^^ What labug said.

Try and spend less time worrying about what he is doing, and spend more time on yourself. You have an opportunity while he is gone to have some good uninterrupted GAL time.

If you find yourself stuck dwelling on him, one thing that helped me in the early stages before I was able to detach was I spent a lot of time reading other people's stories here. Maybe find some older threads and read them from start to finish. One, it helps get your mind off of YOUR situation. Two, a lot of times you find people in a LOT worse shape than you are, and when you do, and their situation turns out well, it gives you hope. Last, you might learn something on what to do or not to do.

Best of luck!

[Anders]

Just caught up on your posts from when you your H left for his trip. I think you did a fantastic job there Meghan.

[Meghan]

My thoughts? You're overthinking and you spend a lot of time in his head.

You're creating a bunch of stories about what he does and thinks that you won't know are true unless he tells you. These stories are causing you a lot of distress. Why do you think you do that? How does that help you?

I am absolutely doing this. It's gotten to the point of near obsession, I think. I'm aware of it when it's happening, but it's hard to stop. This is pretty usual for the kind of anxiety that I have, but it's more extreme now than it usually is. I think I do it because it lets me feel like I'm making an effort to control the uncontrollable. Or, that it feels like I'm doing something, even if it's something futile.

I asked about your previous emotionally abusive R. How did that end, what did you do to help yourself when it ended?

Have you read Codependent No More?

There was a year long overlap between H. and the abusive ex. I broke up with the ex over email at a point when H. was about ready to throw in the towel on our relationship. I didn't feel like I could face him without getting argued back into the relationship again - it had happened once or twice already at that point.

I can't say I did much of anything to help myself when it ended. I think I was still in counseling, but I'm not sure that we ever dealt with it specifically. I mostly just moved on with my life.

I wonder now if I took a lot more away from that relationship than I though. I've spent years avoiding upsetting H., even for fairly small things that I shouldn't be afraid of at all. I also carry a lot of guilt that he had to wait for me for a year that could be playing into this as well.

Overall, he feels like the last four years have been all about his sacrifices – moving here, no sex, no work, no friends, listening to my issues, taking care of me, taking on extra housework, and changing himself to meet my needs, and he’s deeply unhappy and not sure if he can get over the resentment. From my end, it feels like he blames me for everything – the sex, certainly, but also being here, having no friends or job, and generally putting his life on hold.

How much of this can you take responsibility for? He asked you to marry him the day he lost his job and found he couldn't get benefits. I assume he knew where you lived or would be living.

You don't have young children who would make it more difficult to get out and meet people.

Did he have friends where he lived previous?

There's a lot in there that I really shouldn't be taking responsibility for. This is part of where the resentment comes in - I feel like I'm being blamed. He did know where he was moving to, although the hope was that I'd wind up with a different job at some point and that we'd move - hopefully to some place with more or better job prospects for him.

Yes, he had some close friends where he used to live, although to my recollection, he only saw them every few months, at most. And you're correct that he could make some here. I've even tried to take him places and events where there would be people with similar interests, but that hasn't helped much.

I think Hopeful Still gives good advice, work on you, figure you out and all the rest will fall into place.

And today, do something for you!

I'm working on it. I got a pedicure last night, did some shopping this morning, and might have a bath and take a nap this afternoon before I go out for a group run. Maybe I'll watch a movie tonight.

[Roid76]

Take pilots advice and bury yourself into some other peoples stich's. I do that a lot lately when I feel something bad coming on, and it helps out immensely. And it's not all you, it takes two to tango, kind of silly to try and dance alone isn't it?

[Meghan]

Journaling: I got out for a ride this morning, and did a bit of shopping - bought a new lamp and some new pants to accommodate the fact that I've been losing some weight through this process.

I spent some time cleaning this afternoon and had a long conversation with my parents and a friend. It seems all the voices in the chorus are singing the same advice that I'm finding here - get out more, live my own life, rediscover myself, and do more things for me. I'm doing it, slowly but surely, and it does feel like it's helping.

H. emailed this afternoon, but I didn't get it until he was already on IM. I asked how things were, and he told me a bit about the hotel he stayed in before asking about my day. I kept it short and then we just kind of drifted off. He IMed again later to ask a question - I answered, he thanked me, and then we didn't say anything else.

I know that keeping contact to a minimum is important here, but it's hard to not want to ask all kinds of details and keep him engaged and chatting. He needs this time, though, and so do I. As soon as I was tempted to ask him something else, I called my parents to talk with them instead.

[HopefulStill]

M,

Important that you make all of your decisions with your intellect and not your emotions! Our emotions can steer us off into the wrong directions- directions that lead to D. You MUST use your head, advising yourself as if you were advising a friend.

People want what they can't have. Know how Madoff got all of those poor investors to give him money? He told them he didn't have room for them in his portfolio! That made folks crazy to get in with him! Begging, pleading, etc.. In a way, you are doing the same thing! Your H says he doesn't have room in his life for you, and you go nuts to get into it again. If you want him to want you, you must do the same thing. Become what he can't have. Become what everyone else wants....

As an aside; I think that panic is fueling your "love" for your H. As I said before, it's not a mystery why you didn't feel desire to ML to your H- you didn't respect him, admire him, or have a real attraction to him. If you had, you would have wanted to ML. You sound sweet, but you are also an enabler. You are allowing yourself to be treated this way. I honestly don't think that you will be able to have a balanced M with ANYONE until you learn to love and value yourself more. Even the best guy in the world will eventually start walking all over you, and lose respect for you, because you allow it.

I understand the panic that you feel, I really do. When you settle down, and realize what you have to offer another partner, and that this isn't the end of the world for you- you'll start to carry yourself differently. I now possess a confidence that I never had before. It was part of MY growing process to start looking at myself differently than my W, or my parents before her, had me seeing myself. I see the way other women look at me because of my confidence. I know that I'm a catch and wouldn't be alone if my wife left tomorrow. That's a very empowering thing! I love my wife, don't get me wrong, I'm just saying that I'm on equal footing with her now.

Stay strong.
-HS

[Maybell]

HS, those are good words. I'm going to bookmark them. Thank you for being timely. Very, very timely.

[HopefulStill]

Meghan and Maybell,
I invite you both to look up Train's threads and read through them, they may help. Oh, and do it quickly - they may disappear as they are cleaning up the site!

-HS

[Meghan]

Important that you make all of your decisions with your intellect and not your emotions! Our emotions can steer us off into the wrong directions- directions that lead to D. You MUST use your head, advising yourself as if you were advising a friend.

People want what they can't have. Know how Madoff got all of those poor investors to give him money? He told them he didn't have room for them in his portfolio! That made folks crazy to get in with him! Begging, pleading, etc.. In a way, you are doing the same thing! Your H says he doesn't have room in his life for you, and you go nuts to get into it again. If you want him to want you, you must do the same thing. Become what he can't have. Become what everyone else wants....

This is a great analogy. I'm going to copy this down, too.

Because we're both here all the time, it's been somewhat difficult to figure out how to adequately get out of his life on a regular basis. I've been out for bike rides, group runs, game nights, lunches with friends, yoga classes, meditation sessions, and whatever else I can. I've also avoided engaging him in conversation as much as possible, and have talked to him almost exclusively when he initiates. When he wants to talk to me about something, I mostly just listen and ask the odd question.

Admittedly, last night wasn't great. Although I kept it brief, I still responded right away to him having a problem, which he eventually solved for himself anyway. Today I've stuck to responding to his messages, and doing so after a period of time has elapsed. I was fairly brief, but probably could have cut down the responses even a bit more. I'm going to be out for most of tomorrow and will be heading to my parents' place on Friday for a visit and to see friends. The plan is to avoid contact with him as much as possible for the duration of his trip.

As an aside; I think that panic is fueling your "love" for your H. As I said before, it's not a mystery why you didn't feel desire to ML to your H- you didn't respect him, admire him, or have a real attraction to him. If you had, you would have wanted to ML. You sound sweet, but you are also an enabler. You are allowing yourself to be treated this way. I honestly don't think that you will be able to have a balanced M with ANYONE until you learn to love and value yourself more. Even the best guy in the world will eventually start walking all over you, and lose respect for you, because you allow it.

This has been a prominent theme in my talks with friends and family recently, and I've booked an appointment with my IC to talk about it with her and to come up with a plan to work on it. You're correct, and I don't think I've ever really noticed before, but putting that idea into my head has made it abundantly clear how much I have enabled him over the years (although this is by no means the only area of my life where I see this as a problem).

I clearly need to work on self-esteem and self-respect and boundaries, I just have no idea how, especially when the panic and anxiety are raging. I'm hoping my counselor will have some suggestions or will be able to work with me on a plan for getting some of this straightened out. I've also ordered some books on co-dependency from the library to have a read through.

I understand the panic that you feel, I really do. When you settle down, and realize what you have to offer another partner, and that this isn't the end of the world for you- you'll start to carry yourself differently. I now possess a confidence that I never had before. It was part of MY growing process to start looking at myself differently than my W, or my parents before her, had me seeing myself. I see the way other women look at me because of my confidence. I know that I'm a catch and wouldn't be alone if my wife left tomorrow. That's a very empowering thing! I love my wife, don't get me wrong, I'm just saying that I'm on equal footing with her now.

Can I ask if there's any particular way that you got to the point that you're at now?

If I look at this logically, there's no reason why I should feel so insecure. I have a grad degree, a reasonable job that I'm good at, colleagues who respect me, friends and family who love me and are insanely proud of me, and all kinds of other things that tell me that I do have a great deal of worth and value (including guys who I know would love to have a shot with me). And yet, I have the hardest time standing up for or asserting myself in a lot of different situations.

[Maybell]

Hopeful Still, thank you. I have read through all of Train's.

Meghan, here is a link:

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2465485#Post2465485

If you scroll down a bit she put links to all four of her threads in one post.

Meghan, a book that might help you rediscover your self-worth is "I Know I'm In There Somewhere" -- it discusses how we lose ourselves in relationships.