To sum up where I am today: I'm dark with H (would rather be NC, but I am completely dependent on him for money--- long story short, I'm in the middle of a career change. He convinced me it was a good time to quit teaching and go back to school right before he walked out. He has followed through with money, so I'm okay on that end.)
I knew about A and OW back in Dec. but, I found a note last week in the car he gave me that proves he was lying to me about where he has been living for 7 months. I allowed myself to backslide emotionally and felt like BD all over again. I decided that was IT for me, even though I "dropped the rope" back in June. Nope! I was still pulling on it a bit. NOW it's dropped.
He told me back in June he was never coming home. I denied his request to remain friends, and he has been pursuing me ever since. He comes up with any and every excuse to drop by the house. I find any and every reason to deny that request.
After I found the note, I told him about it and told him I'm disappearing for an indefinite amount of time. So far he has respected my request for space, but he will need to give me more money each month- I asked him to just mail the checks and he got angry (does this sound like someone who never intended to come home? Not to mention he left all of his stuff here... Weirdo.)
ANYWAY: my question for the vets or anyone else with experience here::::::
I would like to remain dark/NC for a looooooooooooong time. I love him, but it don't like him right now. I knew about the affair, but the note made something "snap" inside. I can't explain it. I have felt much more at peace since I told him I needed space.
I took my power back.
I'm about to start back with my classes in August. My program is unbelievably intense. It would be great to not be distracted by H's crazy making for a few months.
Is this appropriate?? I don't miss him at all. I don't want to see him, at least not now. Is this "punishing" him? I did it for MY sanity.
How do I leave things open for R while doing dark/NC?
Up until now, he has had NO experience of loss. I have been unbelievable loving and patient- letting him control contact and allowing him to come over whenever. This dark/NC is a 180 for our current sitch.
How long is it appropriate for me to keep this up??? Is there even an answer for that?
Yes, I've read DR. It's still confusing.
Any help is appreciated!!!!
Me: 39 H: 45 Second marriage for both H left 12/2013 M:4 T:5.5
Going dark is for you. I don't think you are punishing him at all. You are doing this to help yourself. Now, I know not to believe what they say, however your h said he was not coming back. And you are living like he's not coming back.
I think you are doing the right thing. I mean, what exactly is there to * talk * about with your h right now? :-)
3 kids BD 12/15/13 (IDKIILY. ) Rope dropped Cirque du Soleil style D final 9-9-14 "Some people are born on 3rd base and go through life thinking they hit a triple." Barry Switzer
I was hoping this was ok. I *feel* like it was ok! but I just needed some advice.
Believe nothing of what they say, and only half of what they do: says he's not coming back, but left All Of his belongings here (took about half of his clothes- gradually over the last 7 months). Has to come by every few weeks to get tools, but then replaces the tools he took the last time.
Well, as of yesterday all of his belongings are in storage boxes in the garage. I'm not telling him, he can figure it out on his own (the boxes blend in with all of his other stuff- you really can barely tell they're there.)
Weirdo.
Me: 39 H: 45 Second marriage for both H left 12/2013 M:4 T:5.5
Have you read my welcome post here and done all the homework. I can re-post it to you if you have not or if you just want it on your thread for reference.
Welcome artsy, I too was in the middle of a career change and had just started working at a startup where it would take a couple years before I started to make really good money. Just 2 months after I talked this out with my W and she was all for it, she makes enough to get us through, she has my back, she bombs me and says she wants a D (after 20 years, most of which she didn't work and I made all the money)and isn't even willing to try. She left me with $200 in the bank and no way to pay the bills and with my D14 and D19 living with me! You are lucky that he is willing to take care of the money end! Just be careful with MLC he may just decide one day that he isn't willing to take care of the finances. I would protect myself if I were you, just as a precaution.
Things will start to get better. Post often and let us know what's happening!
Cadet- I've already done the homework, but if you could please just post them for my reference, I would appreciate it. Thank you!!
Lois- can I borrow a helmet?
Matt- I've got myself covered until I can get a full time job (at least I think!). Thanks for the advice, though!!! Sorry you're in a similar situation.
This website has been extremely helpful! Glad to "meet" you all
Last edited by artsy; 07/17/1410:28 PM.
Me: 39 H: 45 Second marriage for both H left 12/2013 M:4 T:5.5
H emailed today. He asked if he could come and get some tools from the garage. I was neighborly friendly and told him of course.
He then told me he thinks about me all the time and that I'm the kindest person he knows...uh, thanks?!?
I met with a minister friend today. He is counseling me through this. I have work to do in regards to forgiveness. He's right. I have said I forgave H a long time ago, but clearly my reaction to the letter says otherwise. Perhaps that's why I found the letter???? Hmmmmmmm.
Me: 39 H: 45 Second marriage for both H left 12/2013 M:4 T:5.5
Forgiveness is a process and it takes time. Be kind to yourself as you will get there.
I have several nicknames when I mentally refer to h. I'm still working through some feelings so I won't name them. :-)
3 kids BD 12/15/13 (IDKIILY. ) Rope dropped Cirque du Soleil style D final 9-9-14 "Some people are born on 3rd base and go through life thinking they hit a triple." Barry Switzer
Here is your reference copy as asked for and note to myself I have improved the links on this post, all except one s/b able to be copied and pasted.
Welcome to this board.
The first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy book by MWD, Divorce Busting is also an excellent book.
Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support)
I have read a good deal of books on the subject and can give you some suggestions when you are ready.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
I will give you a bunch of homework assignments to read.
Now you have all the tools to read. Let us know how your doing and if you have any questions.
I suggest that you read the entire thread in the resources. You can also pick out some people and read their whole story.
The stages of MLC as rewritten by HB from Jim Conway are a template which can only be laid over an MLCer's experience retrospectively. It's impossible to see the pattern until it has finished being laid or the crisis is complete.(nickel Cyrena). So do not be too concerned where your MLC'er is in this process. (Although my general guess is that they are in REPLAY)
Depression is the key to the whole thing and it is always present!
Believe none of what he says and 50% of what he does.
I would not ask him anything unless you can have no expectations. Sometimes asking them questions will be thought of as pressure. You do not want to do anything that can be thought of by your H as controlling or pressure.
Lets not worry about him. Lets work on you! Start your homework assignments. Something to DO while you are on moderation. GAL. Eat, sleep and take a deep breath. In general take care of your self first. Detach the single most important thing to DO.
Your H has given you a gift THE GIFT OF TIME use it wisely
He sent me an email that said I'm the kindest person he has ever known and that he just wants me to be happy (this was thrown in an email about "business" stuff- even though I told him I needed space, he said he was gonna drop off an insurance card)
Again- this could be put in the mail! He's still making excuses to come over.
BTW- he never dropped it off or communicated why he didn't. I did not ask, I wanted my space, after all!!!
He has also repeatedly mentioned how beautiful, funny, etc I am. ???????
I'm not complaining, just baffled. Anyone else out there have this??
Last edited by artsy; 07/22/1402:26 AM.
Me: 39 H: 45 Second marriage for both H left 12/2013 M:4 T:5.5
You are all of those things, Artsy! You are beautiful, kind, etcetera and I do think your h wants you to be happy even if he doesn't know what *that* is :-)
I cannot relate to that in my current sitch. I get nothing like that...however, I wonder if your h may be feeling a bit of what my x-bf did. ( mini hijack alert). I dated someone for 7 years. We had similar values and beliefs (strong work ethics, strong sense of family, humor , etc). I knew the entire time he was with my that he still pined over his x-gf. It was this big, ginormous elephant in the room. I wanted to get married and have a family and he did too. However, I knew he was not going to do those things with me. When we discussed and broke up, I loved him and knew I was truly * done* with a R with him. I would have done anything to make it work. I just knew we could be friends even though I realized he just never was going to move forward with me. As soon as we had that convo and I moved out, he pursued me relentlessly. (For the record, he did marry the xbf about a yr and a half after we broke up. She left him a year into the M and he is now married to someone who looks and is very similar to me. It's bizarre!) Now, to be clear, this was not a "I want you back. I love you" type pursuant. This was a "could I really lose my long time, reliable, confidant ?" kind of pursual. However, it was very obvious. Calls. Texts. Several times a day. Drop byes to hang shower curtains. Watch my cat. I'm not saying your h doesn't have a much deeper reason - that I don't know. However, he could be realizing he may actually * lose* you. Be it as his wife, friend, confidant.
I can't say he wants to R. I can't say he would want to make it work. However, your h may finally see that you are truly moving on and he's afraid of losing you and a R in some shape, form or variety. Actions speak louder than words. Does that make sense?
I think you are doing awesome:-). I think our BDs were just a day or do apart? Keep up the good work my friend.
Last edited by Georgiabelle; 07/22/1407:28 AM.
3 kids BD 12/15/13 (IDKIILY. ) Rope dropped Cirque du Soleil style D final 9-9-14 "Some people are born on 3rd base and go through life thinking they hit a triple." Barry Switzer
(((((GB))))) Ahhhhhhh! Yes! I feel a connection with you because we were dropped into this water pretty much at the exact same time...we're still floating along and our lifeboats are coming along nicely!!
I rarely post anything, but I follow your sitch. Sorry your H has been kidnapped by pirates. Sounds like you have amazing kids!!!!
I definitely agree my H feels the shift- he waffled so much for 6 months and then declared on our anniversary he was never coming home. Literally since that day a month ago, I have heard from him more than I did the past 7 months combined! And I haven't really done anything different- it's like he said it out loud and it finally made him realize what the future might be.
Now, I have shifted my thinking, but not my actions. I tried to go dark, but he ignored it LOL! All of his stuff is in boxes in the garage now, but he doesn't know that, either. It's like he just "knows" on some level.
He's definitely a lost soul right now. He always peppers me with compliments, which are nice but I believe absolutely NOTHING that comes out of his mouth.
You are correct: his actions are screaming at me right now. He clearly is conflicted.
Now, he also told me in his email that he thinks about me all the time. THAT I believe. I'm sure he is reminded of our sitch everywhere- we were so close once upon a time. (Not saying they're all mushy thoughts- in fact there may be a whole bunch of anger and resentment in there). I'm sure the guilt has a lot to do with that, too.
I shall continue to stay in my sandbox and be fabulous! I've prayed for guidance on communication and contact- so far NO inclination to reach out for any reason, which is fine with me! But I do feel compelled to be a safe place for H to land....... I feel something may be happening soon where he may need a sympathetic ear or strong shoulder. After all, I AM the kindest person he has ever known.
Me: 39 H: 45 Second marriage for both H left 12/2013 M:4 T:5.5
H will not allow me to go dark. He is being persistent. Insisting he's coming by to drop stuff off or pick stuff up, blah blah blah.
I don't feel like I can just ignore him because he's giving me money- don't bite the hand that feeds ya!
So today he sends an email letting me know the rent money he's been giving me (from his house he owned for over 20 years that is currently rented out) will stop coming in April when he moves back there. I'm not sure if it was a "heads up" type of notice or him being insensitive and just reinforcing to me that he's not coming home.
Of course it made my stomach drop because I'm not detached enough. I recovered quickly, though.
I want space from him!!! Can someone, anyone with experience with this tell me how to be a safe place for him to land AND keep him at arms' length so I can regain my footing.
He's supposed to be here Saturday morning to get one of the dogs for the week. It upsets me he's taking the dog- she's part of the family. I don't want to be here when he comes, but not sure if I should----- haven't seen each other in a month.
I hate this.
Last edited by artsy; 07/23/1410:56 PM.
Me: 39 H: 45 Second marriage for both H left 12/2013 M:4 T:5.5
I'm a little confused. Was he giving you the money generated from the rental? And is he saying he will no longer give you that $? I know he is supporting you financially during your career transition. I just wasn't clear of this was a reduction in funds or a btw type statement. I do think (and you do too it appears) h is still a lost soul right now.
Here are my thoughts. You told h you were not going to be his friend. It may be best for you to enforce that boundary for your well being. You can be friendly and also make yourself busy if he drops by. Has he actually done this yet or is it more talk from h?
Keep it light, cordial and stay busy. And I think dark would be tough in your sitch and dim may be a better fit. Just my 2 cents:-)
Last edited by Georgiabelle; 07/23/1411:32 PM.
3 kids BD 12/15/13 (IDKIILY. ) Rope dropped Cirque du Soleil style D final 9-9-14 "Some people are born on 3rd base and go through life thinking they hit a triple." Barry Switzer
He has given me a lump sum (I have another one coming next week) and each month he gives me the rent money. However, since he wants to move back in to his house in April the rent money will no longer be available to me.
Does that make sense?? By that point, I won't really need the rent money anymore. But it still stung a bit to hear of his plan (NOT THAT HE IS CAPABLE OF TRULY PLANNING ANYTHING IN THE FUTURE!!!)
And he hasn't stopped by yet because I haven't let him!!! :-/ I always have a reason I won't be there. And he admitted last week he wants to stop by because he wants to see me.
I mean, how long can I keep that up?? Lol!!
But I don't want to see him!!!! I don't. Not for punishment, but because it throws me for a loop each time.
Then again, how can he see how fabulous I am if he doesn't SEE it?
I hate this.
Me: 39 H: 45 Second marriage for both H left 12/2013 M:4 T:5.5
Question. Why do you not want to see your h right now? I do understand the feeling, however I know you have hung out in the past. Just asking:-)
And I don't think there is anything wrong with saying "H, I need some time to ponder our last conversation. I'm not ready to see you right now. I hope you understand ". Something along that line..,,
Last edited by Georgiabelle; 07/24/1412:08 AM.
3 kids BD 12/15/13 (IDKIILY. ) Rope dropped Cirque du Soleil style D final 9-9-14 "Some people are born on 3rd base and go through life thinking they hit a triple." Barry Switzer
Well, we did hang out a little in the past. Mostly right after BD- he told me he wanted to work on things and start dating. So we went out to eat and shipped/ ran errands, etc. we have spent no time together outside of painful R talks since February.
I think when I found the note a couple weeks ago I realized that timeline coincided with the time he would have started living with OW. (Once that happened, I saw much less of him).
And then, remember he said last month he was just spending time with me because he felt guilty.
I don't believe that, and he even contradicted that last week. BUT, my feelings still are very much in upheaval over it. Does that make sense?
BOTTOM LINE: I'm afraid he's going to say some stupida$$ comment that will upset me. I know- that's on me. But he has no clue about tact, and add MLC on top of that and you have a $h!tshow.
I don't know if I'M strong enough for it. And that p!sses me off!
Me: 39 H: 45 Second marriage for both H left 12/2013 M:4 T:5.5
Gotcha. You ARE strong. However, I do understand your feelings. I think you can say, " h, I'm not ready to visit right now. I hope you understand ". Maybe something simple and honest. It's for you and it sounds like you don't need to see him right now. You can be pleasant yet firm. And get back to living:-)
Last edited by Georgiabelle; 07/24/1401:44 AM.
3 kids BD 12/15/13 (IDKIILY. ) Rope dropped Cirque du Soleil style D final 9-9-14 "Some people are born on 3rd base and go through life thinking they hit a triple." Barry Switzer
If you think about it, how would they be expected to act considering what has happened.
And when the LBS handles herself with grace, I'm sure it's even more embarrassing for the MLCer AND his family to see the reality of the situation.
Now, I'm guessing there won't be a service when my FIL passes (NOTE: he is not dead yet, but my mind cannot help from "going there") in-laws aren't religious and basically tried to keep the grandpa's death on the down-low so nobody would fuss about it. The only service was one held by his church--- which is the surviving families right, but I thought it was a bit odd.
This was about the time H started to change. Hindsight is 20/20.
Last edited by artsy; 07/24/1401:50 PM.
Me: 39 H: 45 Second marriage for both H left 12/2013 M:4 T:5.5
Yes, that sounds stressful. What kind of R does your h have with his Dad? We've had many stressors the last few years but I remember I was surprised at how devastated h was when my Dad died. He was literally in an inconsolable state which at the time I thought was because he felt bad for me and the kids. Probably a little of that although several things h said later indicated my dad's death really affected HIM.
I hate to admit it, however the high road can be a challenge. However, once decide to respond vs react and try to do what's right (even though that can be confusing too-or at least to me:-), it does get easier.
Last edited by Georgiabelle; 07/24/1402:51 PM.
3 kids BD 12/15/13 (IDKIILY. ) Rope dropped Cirque du Soleil style D final 9-9-14 "Some people are born on 3rd base and go through life thinking they hit a triple." Barry Switzer
Just got off the phone with H- I decided I hate the texts and emails. I'm going to call instead whenever I can. It's more "human".
After talking logistics re: when he would be by to get tools and dog, he talked about his dad. (I asked how he was doing).
H opened up a lot. I do think FIL is recouping well considering, it's just H is having a hard time dealing with the reality of his aging parents. H is worried his dad has Alzheimer's- that's not what's going on, and I explained to him what that would look like. I said I really just think he's seeing all of his dad's past health issues take their toll. Add in the TIAs, and... It was a good talk.
He said he spends all of his free time at his parent' house (I'm sure not ALL of it...). He mows the grass, etc. and I realized a couple things: 1. He wanted to escape responsibilities. He literally said he just wanted to go to work, come home and not worry about anyone else. So now he has his parents to take care of. His escaping responsibility is most definitely NOT working out for him right now. (Uhhhhh, because it doesn't for anybody!!!! It's called Life!!!) will this prolong his MLC journey? Will it be the catalyst to lift the fog--- not likely. His rock bottom would most likely involve his work. It's all he cares about, if you are to believe his actions. This may very well have no effect. Only time will tell.
2. This is proof in Gods perfect timing. His parents need him right now. I do not.
I cried when I got off the phone. It wasn't a pity party sort of cry. It was a "oh, I get it" type of release. Not only the timing of it all, but the realization:::::
He keeps mentioning how "cold" his mom is. The more time that passes, the more he says it and the more resentment he has in his voice. Before, at and shortly after BD, he pointed out what he thought were similarities in his mom and me. He will openly admit her coldness towards him as a child has messed him up as an adult.
He has since retracted his statement about me, and then tried on a couple of occasions to backtrack and tell me I'm the warmest, kindest person he knows.
While I am nowhere near his mom's extreme (she can be heartless at times), I most definitely did not love him the way he needed to be loved. I owned this fact 7 months ago. I've apologized to him. He won't accept my apology (see above paragraph). I believe he was being honest when he compared me to her.
Our conversation today helped that hit home. I'm off to the prayer room at my church. I've got some meditating to do.
Me: 39 H: 45 Second marriage for both H left 12/2013 M:4 T:5.5
He has always been close with his dad. They do side jobs together. When I met him he wasn't as close as he used to be, and that distance grew and grew until H walked out the door. He has since reconnected with them in a huge way.
As a result of the previous years, I am not close with them AT ALL. not unfriendly, by any means, but no relationship to speak of. They have never made contact with me in any way since he left. That is hurtful, but knowing his mom, it's just easier to avoid an uncomfortable situation altogether.
Me: 39 H: 45 Second marriage for both H left 12/2013 M:4 T:5.5
Hi artsy, Wow, parent issues are are the biggest part of my W's MLC journey for sure. It was also true that during the years we were M my W had little contact with her father and now is constantly in contact with him, sometimes talking 3-4 times a day on the phone and texting all day. The difference in my sitch is that he has actively tried to get her to leave me. It's almost like he see's me as a rival for her affections. I know for a fact that FIL's parents, especially his mother, were VERY cold. They had some very crazy ideas about parenting that really damaged their kids (FIL's sister is a heartless person who rejected her first son because he was born with a disfigurement while doting on her youngest son). Very messed up family that my W and I had little contact with until post B-day. Be glad that while they may not have contacted you, at least they aren't actively aiding your H and egging him on! Just goes to show how MLC is an issue that started long before we came into the picture.
About taking the "high road"...I went to a party for my W's grandmothers 96th birthday 2 weeks ago. All my W's family but they wanted me to be there. When the hostess, my W's cousin, said to my W (in front of my kids by the way. My D19 told me about this) that she was glad that I came knowing that she had moved out of the house, my wife said "Well, if there's any trouble, it won't come from me!". Her cousin hadn't inferred she thought there would be "trouble", all she was saying was that it was good that we were able to both be there and enjoy family time. I have always been nothing but respectful to her both in public and in private. Maybe a little projection there on W's part? Probably it would be easier for the WAS and in some cases the family, if the LBS were to be less than respectful. The stress probably comes from the fact that they can't say what horrible people we are!
H was here while I was out to get some tools. For the first time, he did not replace them with the others he took before. Now there's an empty shelf in the garage.
This is new. Seems he's weaning himself away.
The past 2 days have definitely been sad.
I'm still GAL. That has not waive red. But it seems recently I'm bothered more by the down time than I used to be. Seems a little backwards to me...
Me: 39 H: 45 Second marriage for both H left 12/2013 M:4 T:5.5
Artsy, isn't it ironic that when they run to escape responsibility, they end up getting more stress added on. Too bad many of them were never taught how to handle life's stresses. It often causes more. Just like your h now has the responsibility of taking care of his parents, my h got ow pregnant and has that to deal with. That's how I found out about her- she was 4 months! Not exactly the escape they were looking for, huh?
Well bring on the irony! My h had the v many yrs ago, too. I begged him to reverse since we had kids so young. He did, and we were told it didn't work- well that the count was too low to work. Well.... low and behold.... it worked??!!! Just not with me!
I'm reeeeaaaaallllllly tired of the emotional swings. And I'm talking about mine
Nothing new has happened- I'm just in my head too much. I hate it. I get out of the house as much as I can, but the thoughts still creep back in. I'm sure time will take care if that.
I've decided to not be here when he comes. I don't feel good about myself when I have contact with him. So, I'm going to a party.
GB will appreciate this :
Side note: in the depths of my pity party the last few days, I went to the prayer room at my church. It's a great space where you can sit and meditate. There are bibles and books with scriptures for specific situations. I thinks it's called : what the bible says about...
Well, as I'm sitting there bawling, I pray for some kind of SOMETHING. Anything. I pray for strength a lot. This one was more silent because of my mental state at the time. It was really more of a cry for help or mercy.
I picked up the book next to me and opened it to a random page (I do this a lot, especially with scripture). I opened up the book and landed on the first page of the "Marital Problems" page! Immediately the first verse that strikes me is 1 Peter 3:
3 Wives, in the same way submit yourselves to your own husbands so that, if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives, 2 when they see the purity and reverence of your lives. 3 Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as elaborate hairstyles and the wearing of gold jewelry or fine clothes. 4 Rather, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God’s sight. 5 For this is the way the holy women of the past who put their hope in God used to adorn themselves. They submitted themselves to their own husbands, 6 like Sarah, who obeyed Abraham and called him her lord. You are her daughters if you do what is right and do not give way to fear.
Of course, cue more tears!
I feel like this scripture is the definition of DBing an MLC H.
I get signs like this all the time (documented in my other threads). I guess I keep fighting the good fight until God tells me to move on.
Last edited by artsy; 07/26/1406:52 PM.
Me: 39 H: 45 Second marriage for both H left 12/2013 M:4 T:5.5
A party? Good for you. Now about those signs...., I'm so impressed. I keep a deck of cards in my purse. Sometimes I will ask a question and pull out a card for an answer. If it's an ace of the wish card (9 of hearts)it's true. I know some perps think it's crazy (these cards are only used for questions- no solitaire) and other spreads to answer questions. They have been uncannily accurate and like you, I see that they are everywhere. On a funny note, I asked the other day if anyone would ever think I was cute again. This car zooms by on the left with a license plate "yes300". Don't think the 300 has significance:-)'
Artsy, keep focusing on you. I think you are doing the right thing leaving h alone. You are doing awesome! And keep sharing signs :-)
3 kids BD 12/15/13 (IDKIILY. ) Rope dropped Cirque du Soleil style D final 9-9-14 "Some people are born on 3rd base and go through life thinking they hit a triple." Barry Switzer
Uhhhhh, GB, clearly you will have 300 suitors if you decide to venture "out there" again! They'll be lined up around the block!!!
Ok- you asked for it! Lol went to church tonight. Life changing message for me. Here's the quick and dirty:
All summer the theme is Scandals of the Bible. Basically God used these people who we normally would scoff at to be his messengers and servants.
Started out with the parable of the two servants who had their debts forgiven. One had a debt of 50 (whatever the currency) wiped clean and the other had a debt of 5,000 wiped clean. Who was more grateful? Obviously #2- people who are forgiven major things in life know what true love feels like versus someone who hasn't had to worry about it.
Ties into the concept of 3 days throughout the Bible. Jonah was in the belly of the whale after he was acting a fool. After 3 days the whale spit him out. Saul/Paul was denying Jesus was real when he had the Damascus Road experience that left him blind for three days. And of course Christ arose from the dead after 3 days. There are more examples in the Bible but these three were key stories. The point: Everyone has experiences in life that humble you. LUCKY people have MAJOR experiences that absolutely knock you on the floor- the lowest point of your life. It is at this point where you come face to face with God; you realize you can't do this alone and you DO NOT WANT THE LIFE YOU HAD BEFORE. And you LEARN WHAT IS IMPORTANT IN LIFE. You are then left to sit and think about what truly matters and appreciate all life has to offer. Here is where you learn in a way no other experience could have taught you.
^^^^ this is your "3 days", so to speak.
You have 2 options: go back to the way you were living and repeat the process, or learn from it, change and be blessed for the rest of your life.
Once you turn the corner and get spit out of the whales belly you get a second chance at life,where you are able to love deeper and receive love more than you could have ever imagined.
The pastor ended his sermon saying he genuinely hopes we all have such an experience. Because as painful as it is to endure, the payout on the other side is amazing.
Maybe it's just me, but I think we're all in our 3 days right now!!!
...this is where the car with the "300yes" goes zooming by!!
Last edited by artsy; 07/27/1402:18 AM.
Me: 39 H: 45 Second marriage for both H left 12/2013 M:4 T:5.5
It must be the week for it, the funeral I attended had verses about a good wife, about being whole some hard working and putting family before your self.
No wonder h was stressed at the grave side. Lol I found it very true and poinet.
M 46 h54 Both married before T 11y Bd 2/14 I must see where ow leads! Ms 18 hs 26
H came to get the dog yesterday- he was 3 hours later than he was supposed to be. No text to give me a heads up- not like the old, responsible H at all. I wasn't home, as mentioned before. I was out GAL. He texted me when he was on his way to get the dog. I told him there were leftovers in the fridge if he hadn't eaten- I got no reply to that or to the pleasant note I left in the house. Doesn't bother me- just documenting. There seems to be no rhyme or reason to his response style.
Also documenting: perhaps this is the beginning of him reconnecting with the dogs... He has ignored them since early March.
Today I'm on a higher hill of the roller coaster ride. I know the ride is still running, but in have actively been trying to stay in the moment- I notice a HUGE difference in my PMA when I do.
I actively shut down thinking about the past- good and bad because they both do me no good right now. I have enough life experience to know the good memories will outlive the bad, anyway. Looking forward to that.
I also realize there's no need to look back- I analyzed enough to recognize where I made mistakes and I have been addressing them. So, I'm staying out of my own way now and continuing to move forward, one day at a time.
Getting my hair done today--- so excited!!!!! I had to stop 2 years ago because we couldn't afford it with my job change. Well, so happens I have a couple hairdressers in my program, so they do my hair for free and I help them study. Yesssssss!!!!!!
Me: 39 H: 45 Second marriage for both H left 12/2013 M:4 T:5.5
After reading countless threads, I realize the "friend" role may be the best route for him if he is going to return.
Ummmmm...beginning to regret my vehement stance over a month ago.
HOWEVER: he pretty much ignored my statement, and we have been in contact quite a bit more the last month than the previous months.
I realize I reacted out of hurt and fear- knee jerk reaction. While I don't want to see him a lot (or at all) right now, I would still like to maintain a connection. Gee, could this be what they feel like after the MLC script flies out of their mouth???? I now know what it feels like to act out of emotion! Ugh!!!
I'm guessing I should just continue to speak via my actions and build on things...should I retract my statement (I'm afraid it would come off as pursuing- he DEFINITELY pushes back if I'm too nice. HE'S the only one allowed to be nice for some reason...)??
My gut says not to bring it up- that would be considered R talk...put my money where my mouth is, basically. Right??
Me: 39 H: 45 Second marriage for both H left 12/2013 M:4 T:5.5
I don't think it's necessary to retract your statement. Actions speak louder than words. I mean what would you really be saying? "H, I want us to be friends." Eh. I think it's not being *friends* per se but rather being *friendly*. There is a difference. Does that make sense?
The reality is that you may not be able to be friends with your h. Maybe ever. However, you can be pleasant and friendly. It's hard to be *friends* with someone who has treated us in a way we wouldn't allow other friends to treat us. As you move thru forgiveness then perhaps your feelings change. However, I do t think you are at all wrong for not being able to be your h's friend at this point.
Don't be so hard on yourself! Hang in there:-)
3 kids BD 12/15/13 (IDKIILY. ) Rope dropped Cirque du Soleil style D final 9-9-14 "Some people are born on 3rd base and go through life thinking they hit a triple." Barry Switzer
I think you're right, GB. I'm not going to say anything--- after all, we all know from this crazy MLC biz "believe nothing of what you hear". And I suppose that goes for any emotional outburst on either part!
I can be friendly with H now. Outside of M, most likely not, but certainly I would be at a different level of detachment if/when that day comes so who knows what that would look and feel like.
As I've seen mentioned on here, I've definitely got a kitty kitten MLCer. He only gets mean when I try to be nice. Lol! Hoping that bodes well for the future dealings of this R, in whatever capacity that may be.
Thanks for stopping by!!
Last edited by artsy; 07/28/1406:29 PM.
Me: 39 H: 45 Second marriage for both H left 12/2013 M:4 T:5.5
In Biblical terms, 7 (July) is Perfect Completion and 8 (August) is Perfect Beginning. Last August 2, my world was blown apart with BD1. It was most definitely the "end" of my old life and the "beginning" of something new.
As horribly hard this past year has been, my life is better today than it was a year ago. I have changed, definitely for the better.
So, as I reach this point again, I know tomorrow signifies another new chapter in my life.
I'm hanging in there!!!! 1 year down, ?????? to go!!!!!!
Me: 39 H: 45 Second marriage for both H left 12/2013 M:4 T:5.5
3 kids BD 12/15/13 (IDKIILY. ) Rope dropped Cirque du Soleil style D final 9-9-14 "Some people are born on 3rd base and go through life thinking they hit a triple." Barry Switzer
I read too, but I try not to comment on too many as it looks needy and like I'm hoggin the board.
Those of you that have been doing this for a long time, do amaze me. I will invite you to my new comers thread. There's no contact and not much happening but me doing my thing, so I tend at work and now here to tell jokes.
If your so inclined come tell a few we can all do with a laugh. Even crazy mlc stories are fine.
M 46 h54 Both married before T 11y Bd 2/14 I must see where ow leads! Ms 18 hs 26
I think your posts are so introspective and honest that sometimes people don't feel the need to comment. It's great reading how you figure things out and really *see* all that is around you. Sounds like you have a silent cheer squad:-)
Happy Friday friend:)
3 kids BD 12/15/13 (IDKIILY. ) Rope dropped Cirque du Soleil style D final 9-9-14 "Some people are born on 3rd base and go through life thinking they hit a triple." Barry Switzer
Seriously, don't allow your insecurities to take over on these boards. For every person who leaves a comment, there's at least 10 others who read and don't post.
Get those needs met. :-)
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
Hey, I can relate. My thread doesn’t get many comments either. I just thought that I was boring, compared to some of the wonderful posters here . I’m not a good writer. It doesn’t come easy to me, especially that English is my second language. But, I read a lot on this board and I learn from others.
M:50 H:52 S28 (my S from previous marriage) M:17 + 3 BD: 06/12 S: 06/12 - H works in another state
You are interesting and funny! I read your stuff too
3 kids BD 12/15/13 (IDKIILY. ) Rope dropped Cirque du Soleil style D final 9-9-14 "Some people are born on 3rd base and go through life thinking they hit a triple." Barry Switzer
Before I was concerned if I wrote in my Normal way I might be recognised.
I thought I was super unusual and my stuff would shine out and scream to bygone who might know me. I still won't give away things that might Stick out.
Hands gb a nice chocolate froggie! It means a lot to be call interesting and funny, feel I have been put down for both those for a long time by h plus a whole lot of other spew because I thought he was successful.
M 46 h54 Both married before T 11y Bd 2/14 I must see where ow leads! Ms 18 hs 26
I do get insecure sometimes, which is ridiculous for something like this!!!!
Thank you, so much for the kind words and the encouragement. It means a lot. I get frustrated, I think because I only have 5 people IRL who know my H has left. And I try not to talk about it unless they ask because it's like PTSD, and I don't want to wear out the ears and shoulders of my incredible support team.
Today is August 1 !!!!!! Here's to a New Beginning for all of us!!!!
((((((( all of you))))))
Me: 39 H: 45 Second marriage for both H left 12/2013 M:4 T:5.5
That is some good advice from Artsy. After BD, we feel as if we must be the most deplorable spouse on earth. Then after time you realize that while some points were valid, some were garbage. Be the best Ggrass for you!
3 kids BD 12/15/13 (IDKIILY. ) Rope dropped Cirque du Soleil style D final 9-9-14 "Some people are born on 3rd base and go through life thinking they hit a triple." Barry Switzer
I really tried over time to address those things he had issues with, now who gives a fig what he thinks.
My whole issue was I was expected to be considerate and change to meet his needs, but it did very much seem to be a one way street.
Nothing has changed, apart for the woman he has riding shot gun in passenger seat. He's not even doing different activities.
Some of his stuff appears mlc or seems to be some sort of mental issue on advice of ic. In fact I realise now although h thinks he's a deep thinker, he's not.
He's fear reactive, he's been trying to re make every one into being depend totally on him. I'm not sure what he gets from the control, power as suggested by ic almost conscious abuse when he's just going to dump and run.
Last edited by Ggrass; 08/02/1401:03 AM.
M 46 h54 Both married before T 11y Bd 2/14 I must see where ow leads! Ms 18 hs 26
H picked up one of the dogs last Sunday- supposedly for a week. He was supposed to drop her back on Sunday. He put effort in to figuring out a good time to do so, and then asked to keep her another day. Ok. No problem.
Then yesterday he asked when would be a good time, we figured it out and he asked to change it to today. Ok...
So then today he asked, once again, to keep her another day because his plans changed. Now I'm pi$$ed.
Give me back my dog. And give me the money you owe me. He's clearly stalling for SOME reason. What is this?
I am getting extremely angry. I have been MORE than accommodating, patient and loving for over a year. I'm tired of it. I'm done with it.
I told him my D12 wants the dog back. I felt that was better than saying I did, so maybe he can see there are other people involved besides just him- yes, THERE ARE OTHER PEOPLE ON THIS PLANET BESIDES YOU, H!!!!!!!!
His reply: OK
We have literally only had 1 argument this entire time (which, coincidently, had to do with the dog).
What do I do? His selfishness is throttling me into angry-mode, and that's not an easy thing to do.
Me: 39 H: 45 Second marriage for both H left 12/2013 M:4 T:5.5
Lol! I know he missed the dog. I get that, totally! I have never been unaccommodating when it comes to him spending time with her- ever! (Although he showed no interest for 4 months).
I have been sure not to be here for 3 nights because I don't want to see HIM! I will make sure I am not here tomorrow, either. I do.not.want.to.see.him.
This is new for him- why can't he get his freaking act together? It's a 10 minute process, I'm sure it's not the actual act of dropping her off that's the issue. So what is this?
It's the uncertainty that's killing me. What is he up to? He IS Nutso, but this is a new level of Nutso that I haven't seen before and it needs to go away (after he drops off my dog and gives me my money!!!!). Then he can truly disappear.
Last edited by artsy; 08/06/1402:45 AM.
Me: 39 H: 45 Second marriage for both H left 12/2013 M:4 T:5.5
Mine couldn't even text, I can't help you in an emergency when I contacted! Meh, I did get out of the ditch, literally, but I didn't get abused which was nice.
M 46 h54 Both married before T 11y Bd 2/14 I must see where ow leads! Ms 18 hs 26
I dont know why I'm so angry about it!!! I had such a great PMA this past weekend all the way up until this evening. And then, WHAMMO!
Shining, it's all 4 of those rolled in to 1. He has "promised" to come over and do a million things since he left and hasn't done a single thing, and he clearly is incapable of doing anything for anyone else but himself right now. Gross.
I think it's bothering me so much because it's out of my control, and he's using it to control me. Ugh!!!
I also think he realizes after he gives me back the dog and then gives me the money, I really have no use for him until February or so when he gives me the rest of the money. Maybe that's playing a role here.
Me: 39 H: 45 Second marriage for both H left 12/2013 M:4 T:5.5
Ggrass- I can't do the stuff myself (it's all rather heavy remodeling stuff), nor can I hire it out-- I have barely enough to live on until I graduate.
I have never asked him about the projects around the house- he brings it up, promises to get it done and then forgets about it. It just makes him seem more pathetic to me.
I'll take care of it myself when I get a full time job again, but until then he just needs to STFU about it!
Sorry- in angry mode.
Me: 39 H: 45 Second marriage for both H left 12/2013 M:4 T:5.5
The local emergency group do train their staff how to use chainsaws. I'm going to offer them to come cut fire wood on. My place. Win for me as no $ changes hands.
There must be a way to get it done free? You just haven't found it. Maybe colleges or students want some blank canvas to practice on.
M 46 h54 Both married before T 11y Bd 2/14 I must see where ow leads! Ms 18 hs 26
Oh, boy... I can relate. It is frustrating. I will be up on the roof soon fixing the shingles that blew off on our NEW addition. I have to protect the totally unfinished room it is covering. I think the most difficult part will be carrying the shingles onto the roof. But... I was told the same thing.... "Oh, I'll take care of it." NOT!
Artsy, buckle up, baby. That's probably the most frustrating part: when you have some really good days and you know you are making strides, then BAM, what the heck happened? Wow! Bravo has nothing on us! I could be making lots of cash to get these renos done if I have reality tv cameras following me around. You couldn't write this script.... well maybe everyone here could?!
Is the dog back? I would just say something like "H, d is ready for z dog to come home. Please drop her off tomorrow. Thanks"
3 kids BD 12/15/13 (IDKIILY. ) Rope dropped Cirque du Soleil style D final 9-9-14 "Some people are born on 3rd base and go through life thinking they hit a triple." Barry Switzer
I've had friends come over and do most of the labor, but there's other stuff (like interior doors that need to be replaced) that will just have to wait until the money is available. It's not an emergency in any way- but why does he keep talking about it??? Ugh!
GB, he is supposed to bring the dog back this evening. I have been praying about it because I will absolutely go off the DB rails if he doesn't. I'm absolutely done being on his roller coaster. I want off. Yesterday.
Me: 39 H: 45 Second marriage for both H left 12/2013 M:4 T:5.5
We are all with you about wanting off the roller coaster artsy! The thing is, once we do get off, the longer we are on, the longer it will take to get over the dizziness and get back to normal! That is the scary thing!
Thanks, guys- we can't fix crazy. Best if we just stop watching it!!!
UPDATE: I fled the house on the assumption H would be dropping off the dog and money as he promised.
While I was enjoying my Dairy Queen Blizzard, the following text exchange occurred:
H: have you been paying someone to mow your grass? Me: ????? No! Why? H: it looks awesome Me: thanks for the compliment! My yard work game has improved dramatically. H: sounds like everything has (He!! Yeah! It has because it had to and I wanted/needed it to!!!! - kept this to myself, of course but beaming with pride on my end of the phone) H: maybe I was bad for you ( at this point I yell at my phone:" oh, come on!") Me: you know that's not true. I'm sorry you feel that way. Me: you were my hero, H. You made me better. I will always remember that.
I got back to the house, where the dog is back!!!! Yay!!!!!! And he gave me the money from the rental. On the envelope he wrote he would have the big money for me next week.
I will most likely do face to face for that...as long as he behaves himself until then!
H is still in his pity party!!!! I really think he thought things would fall apart without him.
My 180s have been noticed!!!!! Yessssssssssssssssssssssss!!!!
Last edited by artsy; 08/07/1401:15 AM.
Me: 39 H: 45 Second marriage for both H left 12/2013 M:4 T:5.5
3 kids BD 12/15/13 (IDKIILY. ) Rope dropped Cirque du Soleil style D final 9-9-14 "Some people are born on 3rd base and go through life thinking they hit a triple." Barry Switzer
First if all, my classes start back up on Monday. I am soooooooo ready to get back to "work". This has been a very long summer. I had to face loneliness head-on, and it was horrible.
H stopped by today to change the oil on the truck and give me the next chunk of money (which should cover the mortgage until March).
I had been praying for several days to just have a relaxed, easy-breezy visit. Well, I got it! Praise God! H wasn't Mr. SadFace, and he gave me a long hug and a kiss on the cheek when he got there and when he left.
He was only interested in talking about himself. Lol! Which is fine. I tried to tell him about my clinicals that start next week and he redirected the conversation back to himself. Lol! BUT, no drama, so I'll take it!!!
New level of detachment, folks!! YESSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!
So, H leaves at noon. 2 hours later I get the following text: "I wanted you to take me to your bedroom, but I know that is wrong for me to say. I'm sorry."
LOL!!!!!!
Now, for the record: I was wearing my cutest, skimpiest running outfit. The post BD diet and running 3 miles every day has certainly helped in that department.
Even though I'm not attracted to him right now, I knew I couldn't waste this opportunity- this is a first for us in MLC land.
So, I reply: "hmmmmmmm... You never know! ;)"
Let him chew on THAT for awhile!!!! Hahaha!!!
Me: 39 H: 45 Second marriage for both H left 12/2013 M:4 T:5.5
Look at you , Miss Easy Breezy. I'm glad it was a drama free visit and know you are ready to fry back to the books. You will be the hottest one in the clinicals!
Sending you a chips ahoy blizzard:-)
3 kids BD 12/15/13 (IDKIILY. ) Rope dropped Cirque du Soleil style D final 9-9-14 "Some people are born on 3rd base and go through life thinking they hit a triple." Barry Switzer
I've prayed for guidance on communication and contact- so far NO inclination to reach out for any reason, which is fine with me! But I do feel compelled to be a safe place for H to land....... I feel something may be happening soon where he may need a sympathetic ear or strong shoulder. After all, I AM the kindest person he has ever known. 
and my stuff would shine out and scream to bygone who might know me. I still won't give away things that might Stick out.