Ready to work on an action plan. I feel so beaten down right now, I desperately need to find & reclaim my power again. What do u guys need from me to help me sort it thru?
M: 42 H: 43 M: 8 years S7 and D4 H has D19 and S25 from previous M Bomb: 3/6/14 OW discovered, EA & PA 1st separation, 10 days, decided to reconcile & moved back in. Fail 2nd separation: 5/1/14
Maybe you could start by carefully reading what everyone's already posted to you, digesting it, and asking questions. There's a lot of good MEAT up there. ^^^
Here is the section that will attempt to flesh out an action plan for your meeting with H tomorrow night. Of course, you do have a lot of say in this process. After all, it is your process and you do have a say in this.
First of all, I do want to make an important point here.
It is essentialto remember that this is H's own mess, it is for him to fix himself, and not enable him by cleaning it up after/for him.
Remember how it didn't work the first time around when H came back after the first affair. Because he did not do the hard work on understanding the why's of the affair, recognizing the emotional fallout on the betrayed spouse--you, and the pair of you sweeping it under the rug. You were desperate to have him back at all costs and I am starting to see that at play again by your 'demand' in your recent posts to have him back at home ASAP.
It's time for the new and confident MDU! Let's showcase that new gal to H!
I want to circle back to Bond's comment a while back about the WAS working in the same place as the XOM/XOW. As he stated before, due to today's tepid economy, it may be more difficult for H to move out of the company. It is certainly an option on the table if it is economically feasible for H to do so. More on this later.
Starsky reminded you that you do not have control over the outcome. I agree with him to a certain degree. What you do have control over is how you react and respond to H. In a way, you can influence the outcome. There's a huge difference between trying to control the outcome and influencing it.
Please keep this in mind each and every time you interact with H. This is for you, H, the M, and your children.
Now let's view your sitch under the microscope or a magnifying glass.
Here are the facts:
-OW is moving to H's company facility -OW is moving next week
The rest is just white noise. We will need to work around this fact and it's what we need to work with at the moment. This is where your focus needs to be at this very moment. Things could very well change down the road.
As Train said, this new development presents a challenge to your reconciliation process. You will need to view it as a challenge that you and H can work through together. This isn't necessarily an obstacle to the R. Again, two very different things: challenge and obstacle. Can you rise to the challenge? Yes, I think you certainly can!
Before you talk with H, you might want to contemplate over several items and think about your position in relation to your interactions with H.
First things first, you need to acknowledge and recognize your triggers. Having the OW in proximity to H is clearly one of them. This dredges up bad memories for you about H and the OW. It was a very serious breach of your martial R and trust has been broken.
When you speak with H, I would urge that the FIRST and most important act of love you can do is to center/ground yourself prior to the discussion. My suggestion to you is that you do not go into the transparency plan right off bat.
The first thing is to ask H how he's feeling. Be sure not to make this all about YOU. He is a part of the marriage equation too. Then ask questions using "how", "what". By asking open-ended questions to H, he will open up to you. You want to avoid saying “you”, “why do” for they are accusatory and will put H on the defensive. And BE SURE TO CHECK your impulsive, angry responses at the front door of the house. It has no place in your meeting with H.
You would want to give H the opportunity to step up and explain how this came about. By asking how and what questions, you'll get the answers to some of the questions you've asked in previous posts.
"How did this come about? Could you tell me a bit more about this decision process?"
"What is the set up at the company? How would that look like when she arrives in the office?"
"How do you feel about this?"
Let H talk it all out without interrupting him or injecting your thoughts. "This is helpful in understanding this and I appreciate you sharing it with me here. As you probably can see, it is incredibly difficult for me because it is presenting many triggers for me." Perhaps use this time to apologize for your angry responses and that you desire for H to feel comfortable in opening up to you.
PLEASE, PLEASE no interrogation of H!! It will cause him to shut down.
After a while, then you probably can state your needs to H. "H, what I need from you is your reassurance that you are making every conscious effort to have zero to minimal contact with the OW at work. This is your mess and you do need to clean it up. How do you plan to address this?"
Sit back and listen to him.
And one last important tool for you is using validation techniques. To make it easier for you, I'm attaching the link for you here. Validation: Cheat Sheet
-Put on a nice outfit -Smile when you greet H -Be sure to break the heavy discussion with light, fun comments and jokes as appropriate -Be sure to focus on working together as a team--"how can we face this together? what are your thoughts/ideas?" -H can come up with some solutions -Be sure to have the spotlight on YOU two not on the OW -Calm, cool, and collected
At the end of the convo, I would give H the After The Affair book by Janis Abrahms Spring and ask that he read it as a part of "doing whatever it takes" to work on the M. I'd suggest that you buy the book at the local Barnes and Noble store if you can.
Use this ^^ approach only if H has shown openness about the OW and the office move. If not, then I would hold off on giving him the book.
Okay, trying to answer various questions in recent posts. Hopefully I did not miss anything!
“I curious to know what was said prior to your blow up. Did H start to open up to you? What transpired right there? I think this is the KEY to recognizing your patterns and his reaction to them. Did he shut down afterward?”
I think what specifically sparked the blow up was when I asked H when she would be moving/coming to his office and he said next week. That just threw me over the edge. I was just SO overwhelmed (still am) how we can possible handle this and reconcile. And the fact that it’s NEXT week gives us so little time to sort this out. I think the trigger for ME was just feeling completely overwhelmed. I guess H shut down after that. I don’t know, the conversation is frankly a bit of a blur after that. I oscillate between getting angry and calming, he did say a few things during my calmer moments like “I don’t know what to do” and “I just found out yesterday and I’m trying to process this myself.”
“Remember how it didn't work the first time around when H came back after the first affair. Because he did not do the hard work on understanding the why's of the affair, recognizing the emotional fallout on the betrayed spouse--you, and the pair of you sweeping it under the rug. You were desperate to have him back at all costs and I am starting to see that at play again by your 'demand' in your recent posts to have him back at home ASAP.”
Just to clarify, this is not my sitch. H has not had multiple affairs. I think you might be confusing me with Train. H and I separated and he came back home after 10 days wanting to work things out but then really wasn’t up to the work and that’s how we separated again. Looking back, I think he was either still in contact with OW and/or experiencing withdrawals. Either way, he just did not have her out of his system enough to let me back in. That’s obviously why it’s such a huge problem with her coming to the office --- it’s all going to churn up again.
"You would want to give H the opportunity to step up and explain how this came about. By asking how and what questions, you'll get the answers to some of the questions you've asked in previous posts.
"How did this come about? Could you tell me a bit more about this decision process?"
"What is the set up at the company? How would that look like when she arrives in the office?"
"How do you feel about this?""
He already explained how it came about. Apparently she had been contemplating moving closer to H’s office to live near her sister. Apparently she has gone and done it and so now will be working in his office. It’s not a career move or something the company imposed on her. It’s something she is choosing supposedly to be closer to her sister. I obviously think she has other motives.
The company is very small, there is maybe 15 people in his office, all in a small space. They will literally be feet away from each other.
I have not asked him how he feels about it. I agree, that will be important to ask. Although truthfully, the answer will surely make me flip. I know I need to get a grip on that, just being honest.
"H, what I need from you is your reassurance that you are making every conscious effort to have zero to minimal contact with the OW at work. This is your mess and you do need to clean it up. How do you plan to address this?"
This sounds good in theory but honestly, I can’t imagine what H will say to this. Given that it’s a very small company as I described there will be NO getting away from her. Other than quitting his job, which we already know he does not want to do, I can’t imagine what he could possibly offer to get away from her.
M: 42 H: 43 M: 8 years S7 and D4 H has D19 and S25 from previous M Bomb: 3/6/14 OW discovered, EA & PA 1st separation, 10 days, decided to reconcile & moved back in. Fail 2nd separation: 5/1/14
What are your plans to get grip on your trigger-fast angry responses?
I have not asked him how he feels about it. I agree, that will be important to ask. Although truthfully, the answer will surely make me flip. I know I need to get a grip on that, just being honest.
You've been through the worst already. Why would you flip again? Really. This isn't Anne of the Green Gables, honey. This is right in the trenches. No bones about it...this is rough stuff recovering from affairs. "H, what I need from you is your reassurance that you are making every conscious effort to have zero to minimal contact with the OW at work. This is your mess and you do need to clean it up. How do you plan to address this?"
This sounds good in theory but honestly, I can’t imagine what H will say to this. Given that it’s a very small company as I described there will be NO getting away from her. Other than quitting his job, which we already know he does not want to do, I can’t imagine what he could possibly offer to get away from her.
How to you know? Did you read the crystal ball already? You just.don't.know.until.H.is.given.the.opportunity.to.step.up. You will need to hear H out here and allow him to figure out his chit.
I would also ask H in a nonjudgemental way if he experienced any lingering feelings about the OW and if her move might stir them up.
YOU want to open up the windows with H and allow him in. That is what Shirley Glass spoke about in her book, Not Just Friends, where the window opened up between the affair partners that started with their emotions regarding their marriages...then it got deeper and deeper.
You need to the the person that allows H to open up and confide with as his equal partner.
"What are your plans to get grip on your trigger-fast angry responses?"
Honestly, at the moment, I haven't got a clue. All the things I've been taught would be useless. Generally the idea is to get AWAY from the troubling sitch until you can calm down. There is no getting away from this.
"I would also ask H in a nonjudgemental way if he experienced any lingering feelings about the OW and if her move might stir them up."
Let's assume he says yes to this. Then what? What do I do with this info other than torture myself knowing it when they spend all day together in the office next week? I know I probably sound flip but I seriously don't understand how having this information will help me at all. I assume that it WILL stir up feelings for him. I can't imagine how it couldn't. Just a few days ago he told me he still thinks of her.
M: 42 H: 43 M: 8 years S7 and D4 H has D19 and S25 from previous M Bomb: 3/6/14 OW discovered, EA & PA 1st separation, 10 days, decided to reconcile & moved back in. Fail 2nd separation: 5/1/14
Wonka, to your question about why I would flip when I’ve already faced the worst. I honestly don’t feel that I’ve faced up to the worst. The worst would be we D and he goes off with OW and together they take my kids 50% of the time. That’s the worst and while I’ve contemplated it here and there for the most part he has kept giving me hope since BD that we will work it out. Knowing that she is coming to the office and will be right under his nose makes this seem like an impossible situation to me --- and that the worst is just a matter of time. I do not want this, I do not want this at all. I can’t believe how far this has gone.
M: 42 H: 43 M: 8 years S7 and D4 H has D19 and S25 from previous M Bomb: 3/6/14 OW discovered, EA & PA 1st separation, 10 days, decided to reconcile & moved back in. Fail 2nd separation: 5/1/14
"What are your plans to get grip on your trigger-fast angry responses?"
Honestly, at the moment, I haven't got a clue. All the things I've been taught would be useless. Generally the idea is to get AWAY from the troubling sitch until you can calm down. There is no getting away from this.
Mnuh...no...no. You're not getting off easy here. I'm holding your feet to the fire right there. You DO have control over how you react. It is ALL ON YOU.
Let me tell you about an actual experience IRL.
Back when I was in college, I lived in an co-ed dorm with co-ed on the same floor with boys in one wing and the girls in the other one.
My roommate and I were open about our sexual orientation. Remember this was right where the AIDS crisis was just starting to spread and the 80's wasn't a fun time for gays. We got all sorts of harassment from unknown individuals who scrawled some nasty stuff on our door and what not. I had my suspicions about who might be the instigators.
I didn't react angrily or lash out. What I did one day was to calmly walk to the other wing and knocked on the interlopers' door. Then I told the guy in a firm and calm voice that if he and his roommate didn't stop their activities, they would be reported to the Dean of Student Life.
Presto! All of the nasty stuff stopped immediately and we did not experience any more of silly, sophomoric antics from them or anyone else.
I used my head and took a firm control of my inner anger at their blatant homophobic actions toward me and my roommate.
You can do this, MDU. Yes, there is no escaping the OW move but face it head on like a grown-up that you really are.
