Breathe!! I can see that you feel quite gutted about the recent developments at H's work with the OW being transferred to the office.
It's no use running around like Chicken Little acting like the sky is falling. Try to find a way to get yourself centered and grounded. Truthfully, the M is not blown apart by this new development. It is one of those bumps that you two need to figure out together to navigate together successfully as a team.
In previous posts, it has been pointed out and you've jotted down as well that blowing your gasket has not been helpful at all. What can you do to rein back that tendency? Let's take a look at this from H's perspective.
If I try to open up even a bit, the W is gonna scream at me like a shrew. Why bother?! It isn't worth the hassle so I'll stay quiet. Not out of secretiveness, but to protect myself from the verbal onslaught from W.
Gee whiz...that's not the way to go, right? You want to present yourself as the calm and serene person that can handle hearing some tough topics and being totally present to hear H's thoughts, perspectives, and feelings on this new development. Because of your blow-up, you've missed out on a golden opportunity to hear out H. How can you two build on emotional intimacy if you keep blowing up at H?
How you react to any event is how you manage your emotions. Self-mastery means being centered and taking charge of your reactions. It is within your total, complete control. You are not a victim of external circumstances. Remember that, sweetie.
MDU, you even wrote yourself a pep-talk prior to the talk:
*remain CALM, get off the phone at the first signs of feeling too much emotion or any anger. Say "I need to process things so would like a break, I'll let you know when I can talk again" *know getting off the phone is an option but try to muscle through and show him that you can handle this. I don't want to let her threaten me and get me upset. *thank him for being honest and forthcoming. *force myself to ask specifics - usually I get too anxious and avoid, I think I'd be better off knowing it all, whatever it is, rather than hiding from it. *resist badmouthing her. Just let him judge for himself what kind of person she is for continuing to pursue a married man with small kids (assuming that is what's happening). *know that whatever happens I can deal. I can get off the phone and calm down. I can go to work and talk with one of my colleagues who has been really helpful. I will have the kids tonight and can focus on doing fun things with them. I can get through this. *no matter what, as long as I remain CALM, I WIN!!!!
You broke pretty much every one of your "tenets" here. All because of your reactive tendencies.
Work on this issue and pattern with the IC. Another suggestion is to count 10 (or even up to 100) before responding to H.
I am going to break this post up so it is not a super loooong one like our dear friend, 25, here.
Okay, I think rushing things is the absolute worst idea. Why? Because you seem to be suggesting that you guys being together is going to somehow control him/his impulses. How do I know that's ineffective? Because he was having an A while you guys were living together. Right?
Also, your entire first paragraph, at least to me, sounds like control. And the simple truth is that you have none over your H. If I'm being honest, reading your first paragraph made ME feel rushed and suffocated. Moving him in, discussing every detail and telling him he needs to commit to you 100% comes across as SUPER-controlling. And it's really not going to work in the long-run. That's like applying a band-aid on a wound to stop the bleeding. It'll work for a minute. But the wound is still there.
Let's look at this from YOUR eventual perspective: OW starts her job with your H. You're living in anxiety every, single day. She's with him. You're not. What's going on? Are they having lunch together? Are they talking RIGHT NOW? What's she wearing? Is she trying to lure him today? We've already identified that your anger and anxiety - and the feeling of you having no control - seem to cause you to make spontaneous (and oftentimes unhealthy) choices. Can you imagine living EVERY DAY with that anxiety? Can you handle that, mdu?
Let's say your H moves back in. You guys discuss every detail (if he's not a communicator, as you say, then this is *already* a bad idea), and you develop strategies to minimize his interactions with OW. Are you gonna sit back every day at work and relax, knowing they're together at work but you've got a plan in place to control their interactions? Think about three weeks down the road; how are you feeling? How about three months down the road?
Fact is, mdu, the two of them working together puts your reconciliation-attempts - and your relationship - at VERY high risk for as long as they're in the same building. There's no sugar-coating that.
***
Can you clarify something for me, mdu? You've said your H has said he's "willing to do whatever it takes" for y'all to work things out. But then, you seem to suggest that the transparency plan could really cause a bad reaction. And you've indicated that you guys haven't "cemented" your decision to reconcile. So give me a brief synopsis of exactly where you guys are. It's important because advice is different when you're piecing from when you're trying to work on yourself to re-attract your spouse and gently pull them out of the arms of OP.
And here's the $21 million question: Is your H working in the same building with OW - who is *your* biggest trigger - a deal-breaker for YOU?
Let's start from there.
M: 40 H: 44 Married 14 years S11 & D6; D20 & D19 from previous M 2BDs/PAs, 8 years apart Piecing: April 2014
No, I can't handle it. They will work in the same building, on the same floor, possibly just feet away from each other. It's a SMALL company. So I guess we're back to job change as the only possibility. Which honestly, I think will push him right out the door. And maybe that's the way things should be. I don't know what to think or how I feel, honestly.
I honestly don't know where the reconciliation is at, whether H is 100% in it or not. He has yet to fully agree to the transparency plan but (coincidentally) I only just gave it to him yesterday and we had agreed to discuss it tomorrow night. Actually, the first point on the transparency plan is no contact with OW ever again and I'm sure that's why he called to tell me this.
Having said all that, I cannot emphasize enough how much of a horrible, horrible communicator H is. So he may very well THINK we are 100% committed to reconciling, even though it's entirely unclear to ME. Who knows
All I know is the roller coaster is killing me.
M: 42 H: 43 M: 8 years S7 and D4 H has D19 and S25 from previous M Bomb: 3/6/14 OW discovered, EA & PA 1st separation, 10 days, decided to reconcile & moved back in. Fail 2nd separation: 5/1/14
Reinforcements! Hallelujah! Hey, Starsky and Wonka!
Good job holding down the fort, Train! mdu (and the board in general) is lucky to have you!
My opinion probably wasn't going to do much in the way of lessening mdu's anxiety any, I'm afraid. I do think this is a really important crossroads for her and her husband, and how they BOTH handle it is going to be very telling.
Sorry for talking about you in the 3rd person, mdu. LOL -- just realized how that sounded. YOU CAN DO THIS!!!
No, I can't handle it. They will work in the same building, on the same floor, possibly just feet away from each other. It's a SMALL company. So I guess we're back to job change as the only possibility. Which honestly, I think will push him right out the door. And maybe that's the way things should be. I don't know what to think or how I feel, honestly.
OK, then one option is you calmly tell him "I'm afraid that doesn't work for me. At all. Looks like we both have some big decisions to make."
The GOOD news is? You don't HAVE to take that approach. You need to think it through -- along with with what the alternative approach would be -- and you (with our help) get to calmly (do try to stay calm!) work out what the likely consequences of each would be. For YOU. For YOUR KIDS. And then YOU get to decide. No one is going to force you into something you don't want to do, and you know you'll get a ton of support here either way, mdu.
You may not be able to control the OUTCOMES, but you do get to be in charge of the DECISION, mdu. Maybe you can find some comfort in that.
I've been thinking a bit on how to approach this and here is my thought. This post will be devoted to dissecting your posts and the next one will be fleshing out an action plan. Mind you, not a game plan, but ACTION plan.
Alrighty....off we go!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Omg, she is going to be working in his office a few days per week. Apparently she moved closer to his office!!!!
Okay. It's a fact. Check. Not sure about moving closer to H's office. Yet to be determined. File under "mindreading."
I ended up totally freaking out on him.
This is being reactive based on your emotions that you allowed to run amok. Use your head. Perhaps next time, take a 15 minute break and walk outside your work (or just go to the nearest place if it's raining). Talk to yourself..."okay, okay...this is news that I need to process. Apply the 24-hour rule to sit on this and then talk with H when I am calmer."
There's a reason for implementing the 24-hour rule (or in some cases 72-hours!) here in DBing. It forces one to STFU and prevents one from saying things they cannot take back.
I just can't believe that she is moving closer to us and going to be in his office multiple times per week. I can't see how we can possibly get over this.
Yes it can be done. When there's will, there's a way. In fact, there have been some DBers who have had their WAS engage in affairs with their co-workers and they've successfully reconciled. Have faith in the DBing principles.
I am having a hard time imagining that she is coming here and he hasn't somehow been giving her hope that something is going to work out between them.
This is pure speculation and stinkin' thinkin'. It is our internal critic that is our worst enemy. Use whatever methods to stop those types of thoughts...rubber band, neon red stop sign, looking at pristine beaches on the 'Net, whatever works for you.
I thought we were reconciling & now I am devastated again. I don't see how we can get through this.
NEWS FLASH: You are in the beginning stages of reconciling. This is the positive part you NEED and MUST focus on. The OW moving is just a nasty wrinkle that you can get ironed out in collusion with H.
Not to mention how can he possibly control himself?
Wow. Not even showing some smidgen of faith in H at all here. You make it sound as if he is a 10-year old. C'mon! Give H credit where it's due. H has given you every indication that he is doing whatever it takes to work on the M.
I imagine he's thinking seriously about the possibility of being with her now.
There you go with that awful mindreading and needless speculation. That is a waste of head space right there.
Well, H did not react well to my blowing up. He, of course, started getting annoyed and defensive.
I curious to know what was said prior to your blow up. Did H start to open up to you? What transpired right there? I think this is the KEY to recognizing your patterns and his reaction to them. Did he shut down afterward?
I'm honestly not sure how he's handling this news or what he's thinking. I think he's trying to figure that out for himself. He said that he just found out yesterday and is trying to process it himself.
Of course. All of this is new to both of you and H. Allow him the dignity and respect to process his emotions and thoughts about this new development. Give him the respect here.
He did claim the move was to be closer to her sister but I can't imagine that their relationship wasn't a factor at all in the discussion. And it seems very fishy that she is following through with this with NO thoughts of getting H back? It makes me think that at a minimum there's been some contact that has given her some hope to go through with this move.
Needs some more information from H. It seems not to be all based on facts. Give him the opportunity to discuss with you on how this move transpired. Now I'm fully expecting that she is going to not only show up in his office but be 6 months pregnant to boot
Really?! Gotta stop those thoughts. It does you and H no good to be in that negative frame of mind.
I also want to tell him that I think he should agree to the transparency plan and come home ASAP.
Hmmm..it is all on your insecurities about H and the M that is outwardly manifesting as a "demand" ^^. Not good at all. Work through them for they are your internal fears speaking out as anxiety and insecurity. Sit on the fear sofa and talk with the scared MDU to the other side.
He has not said how he feels about her move.
I can only imagine that he's feeling a whole gamut of emotions as well. Allow him time and space to process them.
Him agreeing to the transparency plan and coming home ASAP and then discussing every detail of their interactions and possible interactions and coming up with a strategy to minimize them. I really don't see any other solution?
There are other solutions.
I said to him that I ideally I would have liked a few days myself to think things through but since things are happening rather quickly that maybe we shouldn't wait. I said I know he's still processing things and asked him when he thought he would be ready to talk again. He said he would like to speak tomorrow night.
Then back off and don't contact H between now until tomorrow night. Show him your respect for his process.
They will work in the same building, on the same floor, possibly just feet away from each other. It's a SMALL company. So I guess we're back to job change as the only possibility. Which honestly, I think will push him right out the door. And maybe that's the way things should be. I don't know what to think or how I feel, honestly.
I can see that you're most probably feeling a jumble of roiling emotions now. That's okay. Allow yourself some time and space to process them.
I honestly don't know where the reconciliation is at, whether H is 100% in it or not. He has yet to fully agree to the transparency plan but (coincidentally) I only just gave it to him yesterday and we had agreed to discuss it tomorrow night. Actually, the first point on the transparency plan is no contact with OW ever again and I'm sure that's why he called to tell me this.
Reconciliation and piecing is filled with fits and starts. A lot of the times the WASes do not verbally state that they are 100% in it because they still struggle with doubts, uncertainty, confusion and experiencing OW/OM withdrawals.
If H is reaching out to you to discuss the contact with the OW, that is a good move on his part. I think he's wanting to collaborate with you on how to face it together as a team. I sense it is what H's coming from...and was going to explain it to you until you blew up at him and he shut down.
Having said all that, I cannot emphasize enough how much of a horrible, horrible communicator H is.
And you've been married for 8 years. Something is good in there somewhere, right? You can do your part to gain some clarity with open-ended questions.
I hope you've taken away some valuable insights here. The next post will discuss an action plan for your discussion with H tomorrow night.
Hang in there!! We're surrounding you with love and support right now.
Still here. Thx so much for all the posts. I desperately need them. Just met with IC for first time & she was utterly useless, literally stared at me baffled half the time. Oy
M: 42 H: 43 M: 8 years S7 and D4 H has D19 and S25 from previous M Bomb: 3/6/14 OW discovered, EA & PA 1st separation, 10 days, decided to reconcile & moved back in. Fail 2nd separation: 5/1/14
