I seriously need someone to tactically tell me what to do. I thought we were reconciling & now I am devastated again. I don't see how we can get through this. How can I possibly cope with him being around her? Not to mention how can he possibly control himself? He is not even firmly re committed to me. This could not have happened at a worse time. It's not like he's saying I'll do whatever u need to make u feel safer. I imagine he's thinking seriously about the possibility of being with her now.
M: 42 H: 43 M: 8 years S7 and D4 H has D19 and S25 from previous M Bomb: 3/6/14 OW discovered, EA & PA 1st separation, 10 days, decided to reconcile & moved back in. Fail 2nd separation: 5/1/14
Until someone with a lot more experience chimes in, I'll just keep reminding you that you don't need to DO *anything* ***right now***. Because anything you do will be reactive.
Just like in your post up there ^^^, where you promised yourself if you felt overwhelmed you would take some time to cool off and process, I think you owe that to yourself right now.
I'm trying to find out your H's reaction to you blowing up to help you figure out how to do a little damage-control in that area specifically.
Can you tell us more about how he seems to be handling the news about OW's move? And tell us more about your latest communication with him. I don't think anyone's gonna beat up on you over you losing your cool this time. This is devastating to you, I know. But remember: OW is moving closer to your H. He isn't moving closer to HER.
I know that doesn't help your wound right now. But just know that your H may have had nothing to do with this. Let's give him the benefit of the doubt for now.
M: 40 H: 44 Married 14 years S11 & D6; D20 & D19 from previous M 2BDs/PAs, 8 years apart Piecing: April 2014
Well, H did not react well to my blowing up. He, of course, started getting annoyed and defensive. I did call back a little while ago and said that was I sorry for getting angry, that I know it doesn't help anything, that I just was so thrown by this and don't know what to do or believe. And obviously I don't trust him right now. He said 'I know'. His tone was kind. Then I said 'Do you have anything else to say right now?' and he said 'No' and so we said goodbye and hung up.
I'm honestly not sure how he's handling this news or what he's thinking. I think he's trying to figure that out for himself. He said that he just found out yesterday and is trying to process it himself.
Part of why I freaked out is because I had NO CLUE that this was even remotely within the realm of possibility! I asked him so many times if they had some sort of plan given that she lived 2 hours away and he said no. But apparently the truth is there was some discussion about her moving closer and coming to work at his office. He did claim the move was to be closer to her sister but I can't imagine that their relationship wasn't a factor at all in the discussion. And it seems very fishy that she is following through with this with NO thoughts of getting H back? It makes me think that at a minimum there's been some contact that has given her some hope to go through with this move.
Now I'm fully expecting that she is going to not only show up in his office but be 6 months pregnant to boot.
I feel as lost as I've ever been in this whole process. I had to leave work, I am home crying all morning. I am just so blindsided.. AGAIN!
M: 42 H: 43 M: 8 years S7 and D4 H has D19 and S25 from previous M Bomb: 3/6/14 OW discovered, EA & PA 1st separation, 10 days, decided to reconcile & moved back in. Fail 2nd separation: 5/1/14
Part of my anxiety with H right now is that I feel like it's not even clear if he's fully recommitted to the M and we're working to reconcile. I want to ask him that directly. I want to ask him if we're on the same page and trying to work to reconcile or if that's still up in the air for him. I want to tell him that I will still work with him and try to see this as a setback rather than a dealbreaker if he's still willing to work with me. I also want to tell him that I think he should agree to the transparency plan and come home ASAP. I really feel like being physically separated is putting us at HIGH, HIGH risk with her being in the office starting next week. It's a small office, there will absolutely be NO avoiding her.
M: 42 H: 43 M: 8 years S7 and D4 H has D19 and S25 from previous M Bomb: 3/6/14 OW discovered, EA & PA 1st separation, 10 days, decided to reconcile & moved back in. Fail 2nd separation: 5/1/14
mdu, hang in there. I'm on my phone in a parking lot, waiting for my daughter to get out of the store. Will be here with you, and will write, as soon as I'm home.
One thing quickly, though: there's this pattern about you. Your fears and anxieties slowly creep up. Something happens. The roof blows off. And you immediately see where *you* responded poorly. You apologize. And in a day, you're thinking more clearly and are soooo centered and focused.
You're going to get there again; I'm sure of it.
Let this anxiety and fear wash over you today; it's going to anyway because it's hard to control. But don't act on it. Tomorrow (or sooner), you'll be back to mdu. And we are all here for you in the meantime.
When you said your H got defensive, what did he say? You're doing an awful lot of mind-reading in your post (which equates to unnecessary pain and anxiety for YOU). What, specifically, is HE saying about his *feelings* re: OW's move? Have you asked him about how he FEELS about it?
M: 40 H: 44 Married 14 years S11 & D6; D20 & D19 from previous M 2BDs/PAs, 8 years apart Piecing: April 2014
I can ask him but am not sure I trust I would get an honest answer or much of an answer at all. I know my blowups don't help but he truly has a really difficult time communicating, it's an issue across the board with him (colleagues, other family members, etc). Also, what would I do with the answer? Obviously I might not like the answer :-( I mean if he says something to the effect of 'well, it really stirs up my feelings for her' WTH am I going to do about that...other than torture myself every day with the knowledge??
I appreciate your observations, it's a good reminder to give it a day or so to cool down. I'm glad you think that I *can* think clearly...eventually ;-)
M: 42 H: 43 M: 8 years S7 and D4 H has D19 and S25 from previous M Bomb: 3/6/14 OW discovered, EA & PA 1st separation, 10 days, decided to reconcile & moved back in. Fail 2nd separation: 5/1/14
All I keep thinking is that the solution to this problem is H and I uniting as much as possible. Him agreeing to the transparency plan and coming home ASAP and then discussing every detail of their interactions and possible interactions and coming up with a strategy to minimize them. I really don't see any other solution? I fear if he does not come home and commit to me 100% then the risk is too great that he will slip into getting involved with her again.
I texted him and let him know I would like to talk about this some more. I said to him that I ideally I would have liked a few days myself to think things through but since things are happening rather quickly that maybe we shouldn't wait. I said I know he's still processing things and asked him when he thought he would be ready to talk again. He said he would like to speak tomorrow night.
So between now and then I need to get a grip and get a plan..
M: 42 H: 43 M: 8 years S7 and D4 H has D19 and S25 from previous M Bomb: 3/6/14 OW discovered, EA & PA 1st separation, 10 days, decided to reconcile & moved back in. Fail 2nd separation: 5/1/14
mdu, I'm sorry for this latest blow. I'm glad you two are talking about it openly and honestly at least.
Personally, I'm less concerned about the contact itself than I am with the combination of your husband's either lack of concern for your feelings on the matter, and/or his utter lack of awareness that makes him think his currently-still-fragile marriage can survive such an arrangement.
He's either uncaring or a fool, THAT'S what concerns me.
Pyromaniacs shouldn't work around matches and kerosene.
