1 step forward, 1000 steps back

[Wonka]

MDU,

How do you plan to approach the email? How would you word it? Thoughts?

[mdu]

First, I am going to suggest to him that I would like to email the transparency plan to him and make a plan to discuss it if there are any questions about it in a couple days. So first I want his agreement on this approach so I don't just spring it on him. Then the email will be very straight forward about what I need and include some comments around what we already discussed and I believe agreed to. Something like:

Following is what I need to begin feeling safe in the marriage and to begin rebuilding trust:

• Absolutely no contact with the other woman ever again. If there ever is any contact, even if initiated by her, I need you to let me know immediately so we can deal with it together. This includes work related contact. Agreed 7/10: If she reaches out to H will ask her to never directly contact him again. If it is a work related issue he will direct her to one of his employees.
• Totally transparency regarding your whereabouts and who you are with
• Total transparency with all electronic communications including:
o List of all contacts in your phone and who they are
o List of all communication apps on phone and computer (facebook, snapchat, email, etc) and all passwords
o Freedom to review your phone or computer and anything on it at any time

[Wonka]

MDU,

I would suggest that you give H a heads up by phone or in person that you'll be presenting a transparency plan to H sometime this week for the two of you to discuss in person at a later time.

Meanwhile, you will have some time to work on this here with input from other DBers.

My initial thought is that you might want to let go some of the conditions. For me, the following two are overly stringent:

• Totally transparency regarding your whereabouts and who you are with
• Total transparency with all electronic communications including

You don't want H to feel like he's on a short leash with you. If he feels that way, boy he'll build up resentment so fast that he'll be out of the door once again and possibly for good. I am not saying this to come down heavy on you...just telling it as I see it.

You cannot possibly monitor every movement H makes or every communication H makes with family, friends, and colleagues. That shows him that you DO NOT trust him to step up at all. Not the way to go in beginning the re-building process.

Let's review your list here:


• Absolutely no contact with the other woman ever again. If there ever is any contact, even if initiated by her, I need you to let me know immediately so we can deal with it together. This includes work related contact. Agreed 7/10: If she reaches out to H will ask her to never directly contact him again. If it is a work related issue he will direct her to one of his employees.

It looks like H has already addressed this part and is forthcoming with you on this particular request. Do you feel this is the case?

• Totally transparency regarding your whereabouts and who you are with

Can you please explain your reasoning behind this request?

• Total transparency with all electronic communications including:
o List of all contacts in your phone and who they are
o List of all communication apps on phone and computer (facebook, snapchat, email, etc) and all passwords
o Freedom to review your phone or computer and anything on it at any time

What is the plan here? How often do you plan to check them? For how long? At some point you will need to let go of them and begin to trust H. It would not bode well for the M if H feels that you're constantly breathing down his neck.

[mdu]

"It looks like H has already addressed this part and is forthcoming with you on this particular request. Do you feel this is the case?"

Yes, this was from our discussion last week but I wanted to include it just to be 100% sure we agree and there's no misunderstanding.

"Totally transparency regarding your whereabouts and who you are with

Can you please explain your reasoning behind this request? "

I feel I should know who he's spending time with especially if it's female colleagues. I didn't realize how much I did NOT know previously. Maybe I should rephrase it though because it's not like I'm asking for a daily/hourly calendar but rather if I ask, I expect totally honest answers.

"• Total transparency with all electronic communications including:
o List of all contacts in your phone and who they are
o List of all communication apps on phone and computer (facebook, snapchat, email, etc) and all passwords
o Freedom to review your phone or computer and anything on it at any time

What is the plan here? How often do you plan to check them? For how long? At some point you will need to let go of them and begin to trust H. It would not bode well for the M if H feels that you're constantly breathing down his neck."

The A was carried out primarily electronically so this is a big one to me. I would offer him all of my info if he wanted so don't feel I am asking for anything I wouldn't do myself. I don't like secrets in a M and felt that way even pre-A. I don't plan to check with specific regularity but I want access so that if I start getting that yucky gut feel that something is off I have the freedom to verify. I assume I will stop checking when I start to feel more confident and safe in the M, I don't think there's a specific timeline.

[mdu]

P.S. Wonka, I keep totally cracking up at your The Notebook references...H happens to love Rachel McAdams, lol!

[mdu]

H just texted that he needs to discuss something with me. We are going to talk after he drops off the kids at camp in about an hour. We'll talk over the phone, which is good so I have a way to quickly get away if I start getting too upset.

I strongly suspect he is going to share that he and OW have been in contact. I honestly don't know what else it could be and just have a gut feel. I know I shouldn't assume but feel I need to brace myself for that. As much as that will suck, I do realize on the bright if he is forthcoming that's a big positive step for him --- he's talking to me about something really tough and he's abiding by the transparency plan (at least the parts we've discussed thus far). I know it's a big moment for me to show that I can handle this and not freak, so here's my plan:

*remain CALM, get off the phone at the first signs of feeling too much emotion or any anger. Say "I need to process things so would like a break, I'll let you know when I can talk again"
*know getting off the phone is an option but try to muscle through and show him that you can handle this. I don't want to let her threaten me and get me upset.
*thank him for being honest and forthcoming.
*force myself to ask specifics - usually I get too anxious and avoid, I think I'd be better off knowing it all, whatever it is, rather than hiding from it.
*resist badmouthing her. Just let him judge for himself what kind of person she is for continuing to pursue a married man with small kids (assuming that is what's happening).
*know that whatever happens I can deal. I can get off the phone and calm down. I can go to work and talk with one of my colleagues who has been really helpful. I will have the kids tonight and can focus on doing fun things with them. I can get through this.
*no matter what, as long as I remain CALM, I WIN!!!!

[mdu]

Omg, she is going to be working in his office a few days per week. Apparently she moved closer to his office!!!!

[mdu]

I have no idea how to handle this

[Wet]

Best thing in the world. They will think it is fun for a couple of days. Then being around each other for that much time every day only exposes the things that will drive them apart. Don't worry about it.

[mdu]

I totally suck, I must ask that everyone please do not reprimand me. I realize that I have totally screwed up and am beating myself up like crazy already, sick to my stomach. I don't need more beating. I ended up totally freaking out on him. I just can't believe that she is moving closer to us and going to be in his office multiple times per week. I can't see how we can possibly get over this. I have no idea what to do next. I am having a hard time imagining that she is coming here and he hasn't somehow been giving her hope that something is going to work out between them. She is coming NEXT week. What do I do? Please help!