I don't love you anymore

[ye21]

Hey Nova, there is no 2 equal sitches, the only thing in common is the pain.
My experience its pretty similar to yours and this is what I can tell you based on my life experience, work on yourself, on the things you dont like in your life and used all the time you have in being happy, accept her decission, no matter why she choosed that at the end all you have is that she choosed that. And you can only respect that decission and move on.

When you work on yourself your life will start to improve, I used to live in NY and this divorce of mine ended with me living in Hawaii, I have certain moments where I feel sad and lonely, but nothing compared to the first month.

There are reasons that moved you to feel the way you felt, what can you do now? Nothing, accept that those were experiences at that point, just look at something, she found the police as her happiness reason to keep going....
You are still searching for what in the proffesional side will make you happy.... Basically you still searching for something... God its doing for you what you could not do for yourself, its hard to accept it but you said you didnt like the relationship completelly, now its the time to get to know yourself better, to gain confidence, pursuit your dreams and goals, create new ones and the universe plan will reveal little by little....

Maybe there is a better relationship with her out there for you or maybe with a new person, but you cant freeze yourself waiting for that to be revealed, you have to live today and let her live her life.

Read this:

God's Will

God's will most often happens in spite of us, not because of us.

We may try to second guess what God has in mind for us, looking, searching, hypervigilant to seek God's will as though it were a buried treasure, hidden beyond our reach. If we find it, we win the prize. But if we're not careful, we miss out.

That's not how it works.

We may believe that we have to walk on eggshells, saying, thinking, and feeling the right thing, while forcing ourselves somehow to be in the right place at the right time to find God's will. But that's not true.

God's will for us is not hidden like a buried treasure. We do not have to control or force it. We do not have to walk on eggshells in order to have it happen.

It is right there inside and around us. It is happening, right now. Sometimes, it is quiet and uneventful and includes the daily disciplines of responsibility and learning to take care of ourselves. Sometimes, it is healing us when we're in circumstances that trigger old grieving and unfinished business.

Sometimes, it is grand.

We do have a part. We have responsibilities, including caring for ourselves. But we do not have to control God's will for us. We are being taken care of. We are protected. And the Power caring for and protecting us loves us very much.

If it is a quiet day, trust the stillness. If it is a day of action, trust the activity. If it is time to wait, trust the pause. If it is time to receive that which we have been waiting for, trust that it will happen clearly and with power, and receive the gift in joy.

Today, I will trust that God's will is happening, as it needs to in my life. I will not make myself anxious and upset by searching vigorously for God's will, taking unnecessary actions to control the course of my destiny or wondering if God's will has passed me by and I have missed it.
From The Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie ©1990, Hazelden Foundation.

[Lostinpain]

Hi Nova,

Its very common to go through many types of emotions. I shuffled through anger and depression for several months and couldn't stay on one. It sounds like you are already starting to focus on yourself and that's good.

Wearing the wedding ring is a personal feeling. I had no problem taking mine off because my parents never wore wedding rings even though they're married to this day. I also work in a lab and my ring constantly had to be taken off to wear gloves. Of course for you it may mean something completely different. Does it feel right when you have it off? Give yourself some time to process these feelings.

[rayzzz]

Nova today is day two of being separated and believe me if it wasn't for IC and for this board and the supportive people who have "coached" me through the last two months there is no way I would be holding it together ....with hope my M can be salvaged. As long as their is life there is hope. This pain is beyond death but you can emerge even better. Come here often and hard as it is don't share with friends and family, be really discerning or you will not be supported in winning the M.

Now I asked about wearing my ring a couple threads ago and I always wore mine. Wife stopped a few years ago cause they were too small for her.
Then when she dropped the bomb said "we are so beyond rings!" When I wanted her to wear it to fight for our M.
I choose to wear mine and will always wear mine. If I get married again my new W will have to accept I wear this to remind me I will always look after my first wife & kids and never do this to anyone again.
WAW said "why are you still WEARING it?" And a good answer I have her was
"Because it shows where my heart is at" and I just left it there.
Advice I got from my thread is whatever you do. DON'T keep taking it off and on again giving confusing signals. Just wear or don't
Haven't read much about your GAL's . Do something new for you each week. Better yourself for yourself and her. I now qigong(awesome stress reliever), ultimate frisbee, workout, go nightclubbing and see live pub bands with brand new and rekindled old friends. Become the man only a fool would leave. We are all rooting for you

[nova]

Thanks for the input everyone. I am going to continue wearing my ring, because to me it still means a lot to me. I have worn it every day since we married, rarely taking it off. It just doesn't feel right (physically and emotionally) to take it off. It still represents the marriage that I still want.

I think I made a baby step last night in detaching and not persuing. W needed to pick up the old TV boxes that are in her name and wanted to stop by after work to pick them up. At the time I was at a bar with some friends watching the USA/Belgium World cup game. As much as I wanted to, I didn't run home to meet her so I could see and talk to her. I texted her back that I wouldn't be at the house but that she was more than welcome to go to the house and get the stuff (she still has a key since we own the house together). And that's what she did. Probably not a huge thing, but a step in the right direction I guess.

I've started working on GAL'ing. I've started working out again and trying to keep myself healthy, I've been hanging out with friends more, got some new books to read, and am going to try brewing my own beer, which is something I've always wanted to try. I am also a volunteer firefighter, so I've been spending a bunch of time at the station as well. Just trying to keep busy.

[oad]

well after months of hearing that W wants a divorce I kind of went nuts and said to her " give me my rings back" and I gave her mine...I regreted it for a while but now I think if she doesn't want to be married to me then stop the b.s with wearing the ring...something she is still upset about, but its the road she choosed.

[nova]

This weekend was kinda rough. As much as I tried, I couldn't get W out of my head, and I missed her a lot. I suppose it will get easier with time, but right now I'm finding it hard. When I'm doing something engaging, I'm ok. But as soon as I stop, she's right back in my head.

Went up to my parents for the 4th. Had a good time and ate a bunch of crabs. Sent W a quick "Happy 4th of July" text, and got a "Happy 4th :-)" in return. I left it at that. I'm trying to limit contact for right now. Spent the rest of the weekend doing some shopping and working on the outside of the house, doing mulch and planting flowers.

I decided to make an appointment with a counselor to try and help with dealing with all of this. I figure I need to get my head on straight and deal with some issues with myself before anything else. I need to get myself sorted out and on my way to becoming the 'man she'd be crazy to leave'. The earliest I could get in was next Wednesday, so until then I just have to keep myself occupied and focused on GAL'ing and keeping myself happy and healthy.

[topgunmb]

nova,

I understand what you are going through. I still wear my ring too. I've wondered more recently if I should take it off since it has been a year since we have been separated. But then I remind myself that that ring is a symbol to me; an outward symbol of an inward commitment. Originally, that commitment was to her, but now it also reminds me of a commitment to fight for our marriage. No matter how dark the days may get, let it be a beacon to guide you to safe harbors. Just my thoughts on it.

Hopefully the rest of the weekend passes quickly for you. It's tough when you are left to the silence of your own thoughts not to dwell on the situation and her. Hopefully a good hobby will help. I listen/watch something on Netflix while working on my CG projects.

[nova]

Not too much going on the last few days. Work has been kinda draining, so that's not helping much, but I'm pushing through it.

We had a nasty storm come through today areas where the storm was worstn is near where my parents live. W texted me asking if everything was OK with them (it was, nothing bad enough to do any real damage). I thought it was really nice that she asked about them. Nothing to get excited about I know, but I appreciated it nonetheless. I told her everything was fine with them, thanked her for asking, and left it at that.

[nova]

Been a while since I have posted here. Things have been kinda busy lately, which I think has helped keep me sane and moving forward. This past weekend I spent a lot of time at the fire house, went to a friend's party, and hung out with my brother. I actually just got voted on to my volunteer fire department's board of directors, so that is another thing that should help me with GAL'ing.

Even with my so much going on, I still find myself missing her an awful lot. I had thought that with time it would get easier, but so far it hasn't, and although it has only been one month, I sometimes find myself wondering if it will get easier. But I try to kick myself everytime I think that, and realize that one way or another I'll get through this. I see an IC for the first time tomorrow, so hopefully that will help as well.

As far as contact, I haven't seen my W for three weeks now. In that time, I haven't initiated any contact, except for a quick Happy 4th text. When she has contacted me, all for logistical things, I've tried to keep it short and light.

My MIL called me the other night. She'll be in town visiting W in late August, and wants to have dinner at my house with me while she's here. It will be good to see her. I am really glad that throughout all of this, my in-laws still want to be in contact with me. I really like them, and knowing that they didn't just break off from me when my W left makes me feel good.

[bashy]

Keep the head nova. I still miss my WAW like mad after 8 months but I know I could be doing better by GAL'ing and detaching more. That is the key without a doubt..