Ready for some forum help

[NewB3]

Reading here for a while. My situation has become such that I now need advice .....here we go:
Started dating in early 2008. Married April 2010. Became best friends and had a very powerful connection/soul mates. Neither of us expected to feel so strongly for each other. Open, honest, completely trusting, great sex, great laughs and peaceful existance. In Feb of 2014 my wife dropped a bomb. No longer wants to be married, it is not for her. No longer feels the same about us. We do not fight, no OM/OW, just what I think is a lot of miscommunication and expectations. I have no reasons. She filed in May 2014. i answered by June 30th 2014. My answer was denying agreement and wrote judge a note asking for at minimum 12 therapy sessions from a neutral therapist. This, in order to reconcile or gain some closure.

There had been no attempts to reconcile, nor has she shared any of her discussions or thoughts about her therapy (going since Oct. 2013)

To date, she agreed to a few therapy session, via her attorney. We are on a waiting list for appointment. I am Pro se. She felt forced at my answer and really got "pissed" at me. I told her that this divorce would be detrimental to her, our children, and I. This is not the answer for us and we should try to work things out, instead of just sweeping it under the rug and quitting. Since this filing, we do not discuss future, our issues, we still are in same bed, same home, and have a 3.5 year old and during summer, my 10yr old from a previous marriage. She loves both kids very much. I have been in therapy with her old therapist since March 2014. I am attempting 180 since June 2014 and taking a stand since July 2014.

Our communication, as long as it is not about relationship is good.No sex, no "I love you", occasional hug, I touch her when talking. Listening more. Taking time to love the most. Wash my clothes seperate as I have for the past few years, and do not ask, but grab hers if room in the wash.I wash/dry and lay flat. I do not fold and put her stuff away. I make the bed if time permits. I keep my mess to a minimum. I smile, sing in the shower, dress nice and act "as if". I take care of the youngest some nights, giving her some "quiet time" Other nights we split the bath/bedtime routine.

We have issues when she get frustrated with busy child and her stay at home high stress job for an IT company. I work an hour away (where we met) and commute an hour each way.

I have stopped pursuit since may 2014. Since working on 180's I have seen changes back to her old ways. Not sure if this is positive...?
She asks who is texting when my phone goes off. She makes jokes with me. She takes showers and changes clothes in front of me. She offers to help with dinner. Makes plans on weekend for family time. Makes time for herself (in Feb. said she needed more down time/I took the kids out every Saturday and let her do whatever) I buy all groeries as I always have. Now buying her favorites without her asking when she runs out.

I am just trying to be more attentive and do more without saying anything. I love her and know that DB book and other books have helped, but I am starting to get confused. Denial? False hope? Is this working? HELP

[MrBond]

Okay, so what were the issues that she had about the M? I know you said there weren't any, but try and think. How old are you and your W? Put that in the signature line.

[NewB3]

We are both about 43. Issues. Shoving things under the rug after short discussions with little or no resolution. After our child was born....She knows sex is important and it became a series of scheduled "time". We have not done us time outside of that. This became more and more excuses as to why we should not have sex and I got flustered. Out of town time. No sex. Relax and enjoy each other, but finally after a few times of this I panicked. She then said we could have sex. I declined. That was a year ago. Since then it was maintenance. He job got stressful and child became more demanding of her time. We grew apart I guess. She also is very smart and only like to be told how to do something when she asks. Thus parenting I kept mum about and let her take care of baby. She will handle 110% of something and never ask for help. She used to do this at work and people took advantage of that. I told her I felt I had done this too. I have apologized for a lot as I have been soul searching and working on me. All in the last half of 2013. She never discussed any feelings about it. "Conceal don't feel". That is all I can gather as there has been no attempts to talk with a therapist with both of us.

[NewB3]

Never saw my reply, so I'll do one short and sweet. I would let my frustrations of no "us" time, non sexual, to take place. We were so busy with life and a new small child. Once it built up, I would get up in te middle of the night and write a letter to my wife. Telling her how badly I missed her.... We would discuss and said we would work at it.
We never went to therapy with her. She mentioned it after the baby was born, in passing. Something like I am thinking about going to therapy... Are you interested? I assumed she was going to find out what her issues with us might be. I was blind to the fact that she wanted us in therapy. My reply was simply.. If you feel you need to go, I think you should. Since bomb, I realized this and apologized. For lack understanding and writing those notes.
In my divorce answer I asked judge to sen us to at minimum 12 sessions. Instead of waiting, she had her attorney reply with agreeing to go to a few counseling sessions. Nothing was mentioned about closure or reconcile. I got on a waiting list with promise of a meet within 30days. She waited 10 and called yesterday to tell me she had an appointment for us. I had picked a female, thinking of my wife. Well, we ended up with a male that ruNs the practice. We go to our first in 10 days. I see no emotion from her most if the time. Lack of concern and then, out of the blue, signs that she wants me here. I have no reasons for her bomb other than what I mentioned above.

[NewB3]

Called wife last week and asked her to please not make this weird around the kids. She has been very cold and seemed resentful. She made us a therapy appointment in spite of me having us on a waiting list promising an appointment in the next 30 days. I had selected a woman and told her that I wanted to reconcile and wife did not. Wife had waited a week and then called a clinical psych office that has 10 people working. She said she wanted first available. We got a man( after research, he is head of that office and a professor/pjs at local college). We meet next Monday.
Weekend went good. Monday hits and the awkward goodbyes as I leave and take the kids to school. I get a have a good day at the door. Everyone else gets kisses and hugs.

[NewB3]

Still cooking fantastic dinners for the family. Gives me good lunches for the days after. I skip some days and we have leftovers. Wife said she liked the dinners and thanked me over the weekend meals. She Offered to clean the kitchen after meals this weekend. I have stopped picking up her snacks when grocery shopping unless she asks.
Considering telling therapist next week that I just want to work through the issues so we can have an amicable divorce. I really want to reconcile, but do not want the blowback. I got more "I still want to move forward " after the call to get her to be nicer last week.
Our stress comes during the week. Weekends are touch and go, but I can focus on gal with the kids and let her be. I took them most of this weekend giving her time to do what she wanted. She has asked for more time to herself since bd day. That is what she needs among other things. Her stress and depression is so obvious. I am working on being happy, excercising, focusing on helping out more. Not doing it all, but she sees and then she helps out. Recommendations? I have 2 boys at home that know nothing. Wife and I sleep in same bed and try to keep things light, but the elephant in the room..... Lost in 180/don't want her to give up bc I seem to be. I just 180/detaching. I read that another member here had his wife do the same thing. In therapy she said he seem to be pulling away and shutting down so she did the same. How do I avoid that?

[NewB3]

Emotional abandonment is what I am getting. After reading I see that we both have fear of talking through issues. I have been living in denial. Not hearing she wants a divorce and working the best I can on 180. I am having a bad day and need some answers from the vets here. I am still on moderation, but needing to be patient in your process. Frustrated and do not know where to turn.

[NewB3]

At the beginning of the weekend Friday things are usually okay once I get home and we have dinner. Friday is usually pizza. I wasn't feeling well Friday night so I was kind of quiet. We eat a big table right next to the kitchen and after eight spent quite a bit of time just the kitchen while others ate. I wasn't feeling well and all kind of sick. I excuse myself went to the computer to see what my illness could be. I think she thought I was emotionally checking out. She was starting to be very talkative but did me in the kitchen and said are you just going to hang out the kitchen tonight. Trying to be happy doing 180 I said no I'm just not feeling real well. She did not inquire as to what might be my problem. I just made a mental note of that it's an interesting dynamic when she's emotionally checked out but then sees that I might be she comes back how is that?

[NewB3]

Looking for wonka, mr. Bond, and any other vets that can help. I am an open book. I am seeking your wisdom.

[NewB3]

Reading through the forum. I think having 2 kids at the house and always (mostly) taking them to do things on the weekend, and hanging around the house during the week is not GAL enough. Maybe I need to leave her with them, but my 10yr old from my first marriage wants to hang with dad. I need to get out by myself, but he will not be here much longer, since school starts. Thoughts?