A little birdie told me to pop by. I'm spending some time reading through your threads. I'm not completely caught up yet. But girl! You've got some time now that your H is away, and that time is dwindling fast. I know you're hurting. I feel you. I really, really do.
But what are some things you did that made you happy before you met your H? Things you did all by yourself - all FOR yourself - that brought you JOY? Can you give us a list?
I'm here now, and I'll keep an eye on your thread.
Soooooo ... how about that list?
M: 40 H: 44 Married 14 years S11 & D6; D20 & D19 from previous M 2BDs/PAs, 8 years apart Piecing: April 2014
Hi Train - thanks for stopping by! I appreciate the little birds around here, and was told earlier I should check out your threads, too. I made it through almost all of them this afternoon - inspiring stuff!
My H. is back two weeks from today - I think I'm freaking out because he's said this is his decision making time about the marriage and everything feels like it's leading up to our next MC session after he gets back.
It's actually been kind of nice to have the apartment to myself, though. I've been taking baths and reading by candlelight, which has been lovely. I've also been redecorating a bit, which is something that I've always enjoyed but haven't done a lot of recently, and everything looks really nice.
Before I met H. (and early in our relationship, too) I did a lot more running and yoga, which I've just recently gotten back to. I knitted and sewed. I read fiction just for pleasure, danced around the apartment to loud music, and played guitar (badly). I experimented with cooking different vegetarian meals and cooked a much wider range of foods. I watched more cooking shows, mystery series, and documentaries.
I also spent more time with friends, more time hanging out with colleagues after work, and more time with family. I haven't seen family or some of my friends in ages, so I'm going to stay with my folks for a bit starting tomorrow, and will see some old friends while I'm there. H. doesn't like visiting for that long, so it'll be good to get in a good visit.
M - 34 H - 36 Together 10 years Married 4 years BD - March, 2014
Maybell - I can't say that I haven't recently felt like my life has gotten rather small in the context of this relationship. There are a lot of things that I used to do that I don't anymore, and I feel like I've lost or pushed aside some of my identity along the way for a whole range of reasons.
The wallowing is the bulk of what shows up here, but there are also things I've been enjoying on my own - not worrying how long I've been out for bike rides, cooking what I want for dinner, extended thrift store trips, reading on the couch by candlelight, and watching shows and movies that I normally wouldn't watch.
Maybe I should highlight a bit more of what I'm actually doing that's more positive - I tend to come here when I'm feeling most down, but there are certainly good moments during my days where I'm enjoying activities that I haven't in awhile. It's been really nice over the past few weeks to do more - I've joined a running club, reconnected with friends, gone antiquing, attended a music festival, and joined a tabletop gaming group, all of which I've really enjoyed.
M - 34 H - 36 Together 10 years Married 4 years BD - March, 2014
Hi Train - thanks for stopping by! I appreciate the little birds around here, and was told earlier I should check out your threads, too. I made it through almost all of them this afternoon - inspiring stuff!
My H. is back two weeks from today - I think I'm freaking out because he's said this is his decision making time about the marriage and everything feels like it's leading up to our next MC session after he gets back.
It's actually been kind of nice to have the apartment to myself, though. I've been taking baths and reading by candlelight, which has been lovely. I've also been redecorating a bit, which is something that I've always enjoyed but haven't done a lot of recently, and everything looks really nice.
Before I met H. (and early in our relationship, too) I did a lot more running and yoga, which I've just recently gotten back to. I knitted and sewed. I read fiction just for pleasure, danced around the apartment to loud music, and played guitar (badly). I experimented with cooking different vegetarian meals and cooked a much wider range of foods. I watched more cooking shows, mystery series, and documentaries.
I also spent more time with friends, more time hanging out with colleagues after work, and more time with family. I haven't seen family or some of my friends in ages, so I'm going to stay with my folks for a bit starting tomorrow, and will see some old friends while I'm there. H. doesn't like visiting for that long, so it'll be good to get in a good visit.
Find that woman again!
You're getting some great advice and insight here. Soak it up.
You have worth.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
Journaling: Made it to my parent's place in one piece, although I cried as soon as I saw dad. We talked a bit more about the situation and they had some good insights about what's reasonable and what's not.
This afternoon I've been setting up plans with friends and family. There are a few dinners out and an ikea trip in the works, and my parents have said I can take their car whenever I want to just get away for a bit - I'm thinking of maybe a trip to the zoo or a nice hike or something similar. I'm also going to indulge in some personal finance and home decor shows tonight - my parents like to watch, too, so that will be nice.
I've also talked with my dad about some budget and investment things. We're going to look a bit deeper into it, but it seems like if I make a few minor adjustments I could afford a somewhat larger and nicer apartment, or perhaps a car. The idea of doing something that's somewhat big but really nice for me is rather appealing, particularly when I've been working hard and saving hard for a long time and making those kind of sacrifices.
M - 34 H - 36 Together 10 years Married 4 years BD - March, 2014
Journaling: Tonight, over dinner, my dad told a story about someone that he helped out recently. He met a guy who’d come a long way – hundreds of miles – to take a job far from home. The guy needed to get a particular place so he could borrow some money to eat. Dad gave the guy a ride and, when the guy wasn’t there, some money so he could eat. Scam? Maybe, but dad doesn’t think so.
Being the softie that I am, I tend to want to cry at stories like this at the best of times. People who are facing hard times really get to me (my fixing nature makes me want to fix the world sometimes). Toss in an emotional day and I’m doubly in trouble.
But the story really drove something home for me. It’s not really a DB technique, but it reminded me that I really, really need to keep perspective and remember that there are far worse things than I could be dealing with right now. This is not to say that I’m not experiencing a significant problem. It’s very real, and very painful, and something that has to be dealt with. But, in the grand scheme of things, I’m still insanely lucky. I have a wonderful family and amazing friends. I’m healthy and don’t have any major medical issues. I have a place to live, food to eat, and money in the bank. I have a job and a bit of a social life.
There are people in the world who deal with far, far worse than this on a daily basis, and I think remembering that could be helpful to me.
M - 34 H - 36 Together 10 years Married 4 years BD - March, 2014
Journaling: I slept better than I have in awhile now last night, but still woke up a bit early. It's grey and rainy today, and I'm feeling pretty weepy and out of sorts myself. The situation hit me again, and I have some anxiety about focusing enough to get some work done on top of that, so I'm not feeling great overall.
I have no specific plans for today, but I should probably figure something out so I don't just sit here and wallow. I don't know why it's so easy to just sit, stew, and feel miserable, but it's upsetting to think about how much time I've lost to just not feeling good over these past few months. I think maybe I'll spend a bit of time on work this morning in the hopes that I can worry about that a little less and then maybe borrow the car and get out for some antiquing or something indoors.
M - 34 H - 36 Together 10 years Married 4 years BD - March, 2014
If anyone has thoughts about contact, I’d appreciate it.
I’ve read DB and the thread on going dark, and I’m still not sure what to do while H. is away in terms of how much I should be in contact and when. The advice seems to be to not be in contact if you were pursuing or begging, but to have a bit more contact if you were distant through the relationship.
My only contact since he arrived back home has been responding briefly to his IMs that he arrived safely. I also sent a short email Thursday evening to let him know I was going away and to give him my parents’ phone number. He responded with an email telling me to have fun and included a funny anecdote at the end. This is exactly the kind of email I miss getting from him, but I haven't responded. There isn't really much to say in response to it other than “thanks” or "that's funny", and it seemed better to stay quiet. Now I’m second-guessing myself, wondering if I should have stroked his ego by responding with a laugh.
H. said he wanted space to think about things and I know I’ve pursued since the BD, so I’ve been avoiding contacting him while he’s away, haven’t asked questions, and have kept any responses to him brief (I’ve also been doing this at home when he’s here). But at the same time, one of his complaints about our marriage was that I didn’t have enough time or interest in him or our relationship and that I’d basically “left” the marriage early on. I worry that he’s waiting for me to get in touch to ask about how things are going to show that I care, which is what I’d usually do. I suppose this is probably just me mindreading again – I should try to let that go.
In any case, I guess I’m just not sure what the 180 should be here, or just how much I should be in contact (if at all). I’m trying to be as unavailable as possible by spending time GAL, which is helpful. On top of that, do I keep leaving the contact to him and keep it minimal when it happens? It feels awkward and abnormal to do that, particularly when he can see that I’m on IM, but the point is to back off, stop pursuing, do something different, and move on with living life.
M - 34 H - 36 Together 10 years Married 4 years BD - March, 2014
I'm spending some time reading through your threads. I'm not completely caught up yet. But girl! You've got some time now that your H is away, and that time is dwindling fast. I know you're hurting. I feel you. I really, really do. 