Finding my way - part 2

[Meghan]

My old thread is here: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2466644&page=1

I slightly modified my thread title to reflect the idea that I'm actually finding my way, rather than just trying to find it. Trying isn't good enough - it's important to actually do it and get through this.

[Meghan]

Thanks for the votes of confidence, everyone. That moment of awkwardness felt really, really awkward. It was hard not to think that I should step up and make a move since he feels that I haven't been physically intimate with him enough.

Maybell, your point about wanting to be a fixer is right on. I always want to fix things for everyone, but as you say, I can't fix this for him and taking all the blame on myself won't help matters. He needs to figure things out for himself right now. Maybe the time away will be a good start on that.

[Meghan]

Just got a text from H. that his flight was cancelled and he can't get another until tomorrow morning. I'm trying to keep the conversation light and validating. I said that I was sorry about the flight, and that it was a pain and that I know he was excited to see family tonight. He said it was annoying but fine, and that he'd stay in a hotel overnight and get something unhealthy for dinner. I told him to enjoy his tasty but unhealthy dinner, and he said he didn't know what that would be but it might depend on where he wound up for the night. I think I'll leave it at that.

[Meghan]

Journaling: I'd just left the apartment with a friend for dinner when H. called. I missed the call but called him back. He said he needed help finding a hotel, and I explained that I was out. He said okay, thanks anyway and hung up.

I felt bad because he doesn't know the airport area and I do. I had my friend stop by her place so I could use her computer to look up hotels. I suggested a few options with rooms available over text, and he texted that I should just forget it. I called him to ask if he wanted me to book something since I already had it on the screen, but he said that he'd found a room.

He texted a bit later to thank me for my help. I didn't wind up replying to that, which is probably the only reasonable DBing I pulled off tonight. I felt bad after earlier today and jumped in to help him without thinking about it. I had my friend take me to her place when he seemed annoyed that I was out and couldn't help him. I called when I assumed he was being short with me over text. In short, I'm feeling like I haven't really internalized very much.

I'm home alone now, for the first time in four years, I think. I feel very sad, and very alone, and very scared.

[CS000]

Meghan, I can relate completely to feeling alone and scared. It's normal as your H who is supposed to be there is not you person anymore. I don't mean it as he is the only one who can support you emotionally but at least for me, I felt I lost 3 people (my best friend, my lover and husband) when my H said he wanted a D. It will get better eventually as you get stronger. (Hugs)

[Meghan]

Thanks, CSan. I don't think I expected how quiet it would be. I feel like I've lost the same three people, too. I thought I was doing somewhat okay today, but coming home to an empty apartment was a good deal harder than I thought it would be.

[bashy]

I know how you're feeling Meghan. I have my moments too and while I can't give you any advice other than to keep busy, my thoughts are with you.

[Meghan]

Thanks, bashy. I'm going to tidy up a bit and see if that gets me a bit closer to sleep.

[Meghan]

Journaling: Last night was hard. Getting in late to a quiet apartment with no messages from H. was rough. I shouldn't have expected any after the texting and calls from earlier, but it would have been nice. I was worried about whether he was upset with me and about the texting, but I got some solid sleep anyway, which helped.

I'm home alone today, and trying to figure out what to do with myself. If nothing else I have some cleaning and laundry to do and I should clean the fridge before I head to my parents'.

I was going to wash my bedding, but I'm wondering if I should do his, too. H. would normally do the laundry, and I don't want to seem like I'm trying to hard to give him a good welcome home by doing his, but I also don't want to seem like a jerk by doing mine and not his, particularly when he'd usually do my laundry with his.

Thoughts?

[labug]

My thoughts? You're overthinking and you spend a lot of time in his head.

You're creating a bunch of stories about what he does and thinks that you won't know are true unless he tells you. These stories are causing you a lot of distress. Why do you think you do that? How does that help you?

I asked about your previous emotionally abusive R. How did that end, what did you do to help yourself when it ended?

Have you read Codependent No More?

Overall, he feels like the last four years have been all about his sacrifices – moving here, no sex, no work, no friends, listening to my issues, taking care of me, taking on extra housework, and changing himself to meet my needs, and he’s deeply unhappy and not sure if he can get over the resentment. From my end, it feels like he blames me for everything – the sex, certainly, but also being here, having no friends or job, and generally putting his life on hold.

How much of this can you take responsibility for? He asked you to marry him the day he lost his job and found he couldn't get benefits. I assume he knew where you lived or would be living.

You don't have young children who would make it more difficult to get out and meet people.

Did he have friends where he lived previous?

I think Hopeful Still gives good advice, work on you, figure you out and all the rest will fall into place.

And today, do something for you!