Stop worrying about her and the OM and worry about YOU!
If she picks the OM their is nothing you can do about it.
She probably is not going to pick you cause she has you wrapped around her pinky.
Until you let her go she has no pressure on her to let go of the OM.
And even after she lets the OM go she will still be VERY BROKEN.
Is that what you want a BROKEN wife?
OX does she fear losing YOU? WHY not?
She does fear loosing me. Yesterday I emailed her and said I found two beautiful apartments we can go look at them on Saturday so she can pick one.
She went nuts emailed me back in all caps. I know some of it was manipulative.
We had a long talk last night she is insisting she is inly seeing him a couple of times a week for lunch and on the weekends only out in public. She shad she told him nothing physical he want nuts in her that she needs to understand he's not for the flesh.
He just feels he wants to be alone with her to talk with her in private.
I told her that the minute a man says he is not for the flesh it's the opposite.
She tells me if anything physical happens she would kill herself because she has promised the sons that she is being plutonic with me and I'm right now.
The crazy thing is she tells Me she booked a fly fishing trip for me and her for the weekend if my birthday! Talk about a cake eater.
She's is for a surprise . When OM shows up a week from today and he goes to see him When she comes home all her stuff will be In the basement apartment.
She keeps insisting we have made great progress and I have to let this play out ! I told her what so in two years you can leave and hurt me again!
If she doesn't want to see him, then her actions would be not to see him. You don't go see someone to say that you don't want to see them. You just don't see them.
This suggests that she is still totally under his control.
If, from a distance, she can't resist going to see him, then how will her will power be when they are together?
And that the MC is complicit in these arrangements, well, you want to find a new MC, pronto.
And the stuff about not wanting to hurt S - I think you nailed it. She does have a two year plan.
The MC said based on stuff WAW tells her the Ww is more curious as to why she fell for OM. She is going to tell OM that she will not travel or have him come back here. They have to keep it long distance. She also does not want to move to the Mid East. I don't think she's lying to the MC. She plays the game of not wanting to hurt OM this is the only time I find myself getting a little angry
W 53 H 51, S 16, S 21 33 years M 28 DD 3 Feb 11, 2014 S21 and His Fiancée move in with us 8/14 http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...965#Post2477965
I thought part if the DB strategy was not to throw her out or move out of the home.
I don't recall it being in the book, but maybe it is. As I remember, it was advice given on the board which has been passed down over time.
I was a WAW in an A, so speaking from that perspective, I would have more respect for my H to either leave or tell me to leave.....rather than hanging around to watch it rubbed in his face. IMO, it is demeaning for a man to take that defeated, pitiful stance of waiting & watching and listening to her discuss the details of her A.......while hoping this will be the day she chooses him. And for two more yrs?
Even if the A ends, would she be attracted to her LBH? She won't if she doesn't respect him as a man. Unlike other crises in life where a woman needs assurance and security of her H's love and all that's included as being his spouse, in an open A, you have to deal with it differently. A WW does not appreciate the long suffering H who tries to show her how forgiving, patient, loving, willing, and/or faithful he is to her. She doesn't care! The only things that really gets her attention are the consequences for her actions, her H not being available to her, her inability to affect his indifference, and him GAL & being happy without her.
I think your MC's advice conflicts with what you get here. Seems it would be less confusing if you discontinued the MC. You could always get a DB coach, if you needed extra counseling.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I thought part if the DB strategy was not to throw her out or move out of the home.
I don't recall it being in the book, but maybe it is. As I remember, it was advice given on the board which has been passed down over time.
I was a WAW in an A, so speaking from that perspective, I would have more respect for my H to either leave or tell me to leave.....rather than hanging around to watch it rubbed in his face. IMO, it is demeaning for a man to take that defeated, pitiful stance of waiting & watching and listening to her discuss the details of her A.......while hoping this will be the day she chooses him. And for two more yrs?
Even if the A ends, would she be attracted to her LBH? She won't if she doesn't respect him as a man. Unlike other crises in life where a woman needs assurance and security of her H's love and all that's included as being his spouse, in an open A, you have to deal with it differently. A WW does not appreciate the long suffering H who tries to show her how forgiving, patient, loving, willing, and/or faithful he is to her. She doesn't care! The only things that really gets her attention are the consequences for her actions, her H not being available to her, her inability to affect his indifference, and him GAL & being happy without her.
I think your MC's advice conflicts with what you get here. Seems it would be less confusing if you discontinued the MC. You could always get a DB coach, if you needed extra counseling.
Thanks Sandi
My issue is I get verbally agressive instead of staying calm. My WAW and me set some boundarys for her visits with OM. The thing is it turned into me attacking OM and her having him here at all.
This is my one issue. I know the OM attacked her and has been yelling at her etc.
It is pushing her away from him.
Then I get on her too. This is where I need coaching..on keeping my mouth shut.
W 53 H 51, S 16, S 21 33 years M 28 DD 3 Feb 11, 2014 S21 and His Fiancée move in with us 8/14 http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...965#Post2477965
"My issue is I get verbally agressive instead of staying calm. Then I get on her too. This is where I need coaching..on keeping my mouth shut."
So what are you doing to get that fixed? I don't see that you've gone to counseling for yourself to get your control issues under control.
Actually my IC and The MC have started working on this with me.
What I don't understand right now is that my WAW runs not and cold with me constantly lately.
I can not figure out my next move when it comes to her actions.
For example last night she pushes me away from cuddling with her and starts an argument ( I did not respond) then this morning she's all cuddled.
Before I left for work we had a discussion...she asked what I would do if she decided that OM was her man...not me...after she tells me that she still has questions about her relationship with OM.
I feel like I am being manipulated...that she does not want to let me go, but can't see a future with out OM.
W 53 H 51, S 16, S 21 33 years M 28 DD 3 Feb 11, 2014 S21 and His Fiancée move in with us 8/14 http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...965#Post2477965
"My issue is I get verbally agressive instead of staying calm. Then I get on her too. This is where I need coaching..on keeping my mouth shut."
So what are you doing to get that fixed? I don't see that you've gone to counseling for yourself to get your control issues under control.
Actually my IC and The MC have started working on this with me.
Keep at it-- b/c it's a big thing for you, and no doubt it's something your w worries about you reverting to... Do not gloss over this trait b/c it's a big problem for you and it is something your w has clearly noticed.
What I don't understand right now is that my WAW runs not and cold with me constantly lately. I can not figure out my next move when it comes to her actions.
That^^ is b/c you are reacting to her or what you think she will do. This DB process is about You doing what is best for YOU to do, to become your best self. NOT to "get her back" or to anticipate HER next move but to proactively change your life.
There is a difference between you doing your personal work b/c you want to become the best man you can become, and strategizing your next "move" to get her back...that's just tactical, not true inner change.
Do you get what I'm saying?
For example last night she pushes me away from cuddling with her and starts an argument ( I did not respond) then this morning she's all cuddled.
Before I left for work we had a discussion...she asked what I would do if she decided that OM was her man...not me...after she tells me that she still has questions about her relationship with OM. why are you having these ^^ types of discussions? They are hypothetical AND all R talk and that is a bad combination. Detach. No expectations. Seriously, those get you in trouble.
I feel like I am being manipulated...that she does not want to let me go, but can't see a future with out OM.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
"I thought part if the DB strategy was not to throw her out or move out of the home."
if i remember correctly, this was a legal issue - if you move out you could be giving up legal ownership of the house. if you throw her out it could be used against you as if you're abusive.
"In a ham and eggs breakfast, the hen is involved, but the pig is committed".
