He blames me for divorce! Why is he so angry?

[artsy]

Oh, I'm nowhere near where I want to be! Lol!!!! But I'm working on it, so I'm headed in the right direction, huh?

You enjoying yourself without him is NOT a betrayal. In fact, you owe it to yourself and your children. That's not to say you go out and pick up strange men weekly, but why should your life be put on hold any more than it has?

For me, the hardest part of GAL was finding friends who don't know about my sitch to hang out with. I haven't told but 4 people. The other ones I answer with evasive answers when they ask where H is. I simply am not ready to go public. He doesn't have social media, so it's actually been fairly easy to keep things discreet. But, I've limited myself for GAL options in the process.

What about you? Do you have friends who can distract you? The friends who do know my sitch know I don't want to talk about it- makes it easier to get it off my mind.

I know you're struggling with detaching- if you can occupy yourself it will be easier.

[Paz2014]

Oh Betsey...I don't want to think negatively but here I am. It's difficult to act positive towards the situation and your spouse who couldn't give a rat's ass about your feelings. I'm still dumbfounded because we just bought a house and that darn thing isn't even complete yet. And, we were going to try for a baby this month! Yet with a blink of an eye it's all gone. He now plans to sell the house once it's complete and obviously there won't be any trying for a baby. Was it all a lie? I sense it was a cover up for something terrible he did.

The more I sit here and replay the events in my mind to make sense of where I missed something the more I don't like who he is...at least this side of him. Perhaps this is what he did with his previous R and why he kept it secret. And why he never disclosed his credit card info and why he never suspected me of anything...because he knew if he'd ask that I would turn the question right back to him thus forcing him to some sort of disclosure. I always thought it was weird that he never suspected me of anything. I mean never! I'm not saying I ever gave him reason to but now he is--as if he has anything to be suspicious about anyway. It's only natural to feel a little curious about your spouse, right?

Yes, I do look for stuff and I will almost always find it. That's the truth! I only act this way when I'm feeling really insecure about something--like right now. While I'd like to believe that he's had a change of heart about not involving the children that's a false trail. As a matter of fact he insists that they know. Why and how does this help? It doesn't at least IMO. Why inflict unnecessary pain on others? How the heck do I get out of my head?

[Underdog]

Ah, CMF, I owe you an explanation by way of an apology.

I should say, which I will do right now that you have every reason to feel in the dumps and not optimistic. In fact, I understand completely if you just want to walk around showing your feelings on your shirt sleeves. I really do get it. (I just have the added advantage of being 11 years past this horrible stuff. It really DOES get better.)

So please know I'm not slamming you or implying that your H isn't one screwed up man.

But... what I was trying to say and did it poorly... is that just maybe your H's past is coming to roost with you. Or maybe it's his FOO (family of origin) baggage coming into play. He may be 100% guilty of casting you in a pot of women who did him wrong... even though you haven't acted in a manner that justifies his acting out. You know? I think we're all guilty at some point of casting our net of negativity around us. For me it was, "why am I always the one who gets dumped? All men stink." Well, like you, I had a boat load of abandonment issues that led me exactly to that spot.

In fact, this is the stuff that's coming up with me in IC right now. Say what? I thought I addressed this the last round. Apparently, I decided to revert to my previous way of thinking.

So I took the long, circuitous route to try and say this to you: maybe the outcome is exactly what you feared. Maybe he'll continue to cause pain to you and your children. Maybe he'll cast you as the permanent villain in his awful play and spew to everyone in your lives what a crappy wife CMF was. I can actually see you frowning right now. LOL.

Well, just because he does this or says this or thinks this... does it make it true? Do you have to absorb that blanket of skewed falsehoods and beliefs and take them to heart? NOOOOOOO! you don't! If we're wise, we take what we can to learn from the situation and experience. We figure out our messes and vow to make them work for us. Make ourselves whole and happy, because we deserve it. So in the midst of whatever he says is his truth doesn't necessarily make you have to take them as YOUR truth.

CMF, you are a real person and someone I would probably love to have drinks with. I think you're going to get around to doing all the healing. I do. You just have it in you. But the only way out is through. Since you're here and uncomfortable anyway, why not just do the right and difficult things so that you don't ever have to do this again?

Sometimes it's just a matter of processing and committing to you. From this day forward, you tell yourself that you're willing to listen to his truths, but the person whose back you need to have is your own.

If it helps, from what you've shared, I think your H has problems far beyond what you know. It's so much easier to blame you for all his unhappiness - but that makes him a victim and that's just an insane way to live.

How do you stop living in your head? Well, for someone like me, it wasn't easy. I start on my own idiotic mental tirades and literally have to stop and say to myself, "Stop it! Be nice to yourself and just leave yourself alone." Seriously, it makes me laugh sometimes. If it's a repeat issue, then I yell! "Not this again, Betsey! Let it go!"

And yes, I understand very well what it's like to be married to someone who didn't give a rat's ass about my feelings too. The first 6 months of our separation were miserable. He went out of his way to be sh!tty and to say really mean things. I had a tough time staying positive. But my girls were 9 and 6 and in the beginning I did it for them, and them alone. But you know something? By traveling this path and acting "as if" I actually figured out that being happy was all in my hands and what he was doing or saying didn't have to make me miserable. I was only miserable when I allowed him to get to me.

Then I finally got to the point where I asked myself why I wanted the one person in this world who hated me when there were 100 others who thought I was terrific???? Riddle me that, Batman. Eventually, it became my moniker.

Sorry for the pontificating. I've had some wine and am sitting around with my D20 listening to music and feel comfortable spewing.

Take care of yourself. Hope all is well back in VA. I don't miss it this time of year, but in a few months, I'll miss it horribly again. I love the fall there.

Breathe.....

Betsey

[Paz2014]

Betsey, let's have drinks! I don't really drink but that's a fantastic idea. How far are you from San Diego?

I look forward to the "better" part. I know that the only way out is through and I've accepted that and committed to it. This is a first for me and it has been a roller coaster--the kind you wanna get off of. I have always walked away and moved on. So enduring all his shenanigans and Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde transformation has...there are no words good enough to describe it.

I want out...I want out so bad but God is telling me to hang on. So I wait realizing that there could be no happy ending and I'm okay with that. I'm still here on faith because I know that no matter how hopeless my situation is God's plans are better than my dreams. If I could see into the future and confirm that there would be no happy ending then I would skip town. But, that would defeat the purpose of having faith and hope now wouldn't it? In my mind if he's happier somewhere else then let him be. I'm not one to try and convince another person a different point of view because I know they won't see it until they're ready to. I would know because I've been there.


He texted the other day asking how the camping trip went.

H: How was camping?

M: It was fantastic! The weather, food, and company were amazing. I definitely came home with a layer or two of dirt. Four days is definitely enough to go without a shower.

H: Glad you had a good time.

I dropped off the convo because I had already sent him an email earlier that afternoon. I sent him a picture of my favorite road trip food that can only be found on the west coast. And then I asked how his 4th of July weekend was and what he did to celebrate. He responded to the picture but did not answer any of my questions. More of his passive aggressive crap--it ticked me off. So many negative thoughts ran through my mind. It was hard to replace them with positive thoughts because I knew he was withholding on purpose. It was so petty and I can't stand pettiness in a man nor passivity.

I have enjoyed visiting old hang outs and sightseeing in San Diego. I've committed to getting out and trying different places to run at in the morning. This has helped alleviate the dismal state I'm in each morning. But then I remember "oh I'm married and my H [censored]. Man, why am I putting up with this?"

You may be right about his having more issues then meets the eye. He keeps all that stuff hidden and it's not that I haven't asked because I have but I can only believe what I've been told. During our counseling session he did reference a previous relationship which included fraudulent identity--on the girl. I've gathered bits and pieces of what he's told me but I didn't think anything of it since it happened before me and he didn't seem to exhibit any unusually odd trust issues. As a matter of fact he acted quite removed from it and has always been confident. I'm the one who openly shares my trust issues.

Anyway, rant over. Off to go shoppping...

[Underdog]

Ahhhh, I'm channeling my inner Obi Wan (sans alcohol) now.... and we can always make it over coffee.

How far are you from San Diego?

Driving? About 18 hours. Walking? Only Jesus and Forrest Gump know that one.

Here comes Obi:

If I could see into the future and confirm that there would be no happy ending then I would skip town. But, that would defeat the purpose of having faith and hope now wouldn't it? In my mind if he's happier somewhere else then let him be. I'm not one to try and convince another person a different point of view because I know they won't see it until they're ready to. I would know because I've been there.

Ah, but sit down and really read this. Faith is what it is. Faith in what, exactly? There WILL be a happy ending, CMF. It just might not include him. Maybe your faith is that the heavens above want you to use this experience to really overcome your personal baggage so they can bring you the kind of love you've wanted and needed your whole life? If you knew that in 5 years you were going to be in love, deeply loved and fulfilled, would it inspire you to chug along here? Because the price of admission to that show is to consistently work at the baggage that contributes to wall building. It's expensive, so get hopping!

During our counseling session he did reference a previous relationship which included fraudulent identity--on the girl. I've gathered bits and pieces of what he's told me but I didn't think anything of it since it happened before me and he didn't seem to exhibit any unusually odd trust issues. As a matter of fact he acted quite removed from it and has always been confident. I'm the one who openly shares my trust issues.

Yeesh, really? That's pretty huge, whatever story is behind it. But I truly doubt that he's removed from it, CMF. Based on what you've shared here about him, he bottles it and holds YOU accountable for those past transgressions with other chicks. Basically, you're being held hostage to a circumstance that is 1) not your fault; 2) not about you; 3) you can't fix or correct; and 4) unfair as hell. It's one thing if he were in active therapy to work on his trust issues. You're just putting yours out there for everyone to see. They know you have issues, right?

And just in case this really hasn't hit you yet, you know that the trust issues go hand in hand with abandonment issues? My IC gave me homework a couple weeks ago to watch Brene Brown on her TED talk. I think you might find it enlightening as well. It's about 20 minutes and might just spark a fire for you.

Relax and bask in the memory of your camping. It's all good. Obi Wan says so...

Betsey

[Paz2014]

Hi Betsey,

I know...I know...you're right...on a lot of things.

He's been so good (unlike me) at not bringing up his past that I never thought he would/could use it against me without my knowing. If he did/has...well, apparently I'm captain oblivious. I was hoping that he would communicate his feelings in the same manner that I do...just get it out and over with. It didn't occur to me that he would stuff it all inside and in turn start resenting me. I mean, he's always the one that wants to talk things through during a heated argument. My short fuse sends me out the door in no time with steam trailing behind me. His insistent on discussing things calmly and logically just felt like I couldn't have my feelings or wasn't allowed to be angry. It felt as though he was telling me what to feel or when to feel it. Consequently, I became more resistant and even more determined to get my point across. I didn't want to feel like I didn't have a voice so I asserted myself--apparently at his expense.

Enough about that. I had a great DB coaching sesh with Chuck today. It really help put things in perspective. Helps to have another man's POV. He told me what wasn't working and what needs to change. Against my conviction he stated that signing the S papers would show my H a different side of me. The "me" that shows cooperation, paying attention, listening, caring, and compromising. And, that it would not mean that I'm advocating D but it would show him that I'm listening to his concerns and taking him seriously. How the path to D progresses from there would be in his court. It sounded so counterintuitive but that's exactly the point of 180. Why is it so hard for me to get this?! Wouldn't it be great to wake up and have a coaching sesh every morning? My IC and attempted the skype thing today but he couldn't figure it out on his end...lol. Hopefully it will work tomorrow.

The abandonment thing...I knew I had it but it had a different suit--loneliness. For the longest time I've felt lonely and even when things are going well it just hits me when I least expect it. I couldn't explain it before and I would share my feelings with my H...you know, just talking through my feelings and it didn't hit me until now that I'm afraid of being left behind. I experienced a lot of traumatic events in my childhood and adolescence that has led to my fear of being abandoned. The more I experienced it the more I mistrusting of people I became but I didn't know that this is what I was doing. Kinda sad that it's taken this long. I feel horrible for the messy trail I've left behind me.

Now, I understand why my H feels the way he feels. Instead of trying to rack my brain and put reason and logic behind his action(s)--I've accepted his decision. I don't think he wanted to be here but felt that D was his only recourse to be happy again. I wish I knew that he was unhappy and wish that he told me in plain and simple terms..."i'm feeling unhappy and i'm thinking about leaving you. Please help me get through this or show me that i'm wrong for feeling this way." If only...
That would have set off an alarm but here we are.

Now despite all that I still don't agree with his behavior. I may understand his taking an action but I'm no means condoning his crappy behavior towards me. I suppose this is where GAL and detaching will play a vital role in maintaining my dignity and consequently my sanity. If I'm truly detached then his words and actions won't have such a debilitating hold on me. I will learn to listen and show empathy not for his sake but for mine knowing that it is a gift to afford to others. My faith you ask? I have faith that The Lord will see me through as he always has with or without my H. But yes, if I knew without a doubt that I would be happy in 5 years it would motivate me to chug through this. Thanks to your words of wisdom it has motivated me.Thanks Obi-Wan! However, tomorrow is another day!

For anyone who has contemplated on coaching...just go for it. It offers good info parallel to the DB/DR techniques that will help you with your situation. Unlike IC, your coach will actually offer practical suggestions on how to approach your spouse that will help you get closer to your goal or at least help you get your mind right.

[Paz2014]

Okay, just when I think I'm in the clear to detaching he starts sh*t!

I was finally in a good place...not feeling defeated, hopeless, scared. Then he calls me, leaves a message for me to call him back. Few minutes later he texts me asking for me to call him back. So when I call him back he attacks me. WTH? The first thing out of his mouth was "What are you trying to do? I mean, what are you to up?" There was no hi, hello...he just started in on me and of course I'm flabbergasted and asked what he was referencing to.

Before I get into convo allow me to provide some background info. We signed a contract for a new build in March. In May he dropped the bomb on me and a week later furnished me with S papers. I have yet to sign but am considering it post-lawyer appt. He opens himself an individual account, takes all but 10% of money in our joint savings and transferred it to his new acct. He says eventually he will stop his direct deposit and remove his name from the joint. He has stopped the direct deposit but still has full access to the joint acct. This did not bother me because this is the acct that's being used for income verification by the lender--the history is with the joint acct. So before we can get a final loan approval we will have to provide a 30-day bank statement.

I'm in San Diego visiting family. He calls me to chew me out about how I'm spending my money. This has happened before and I didn't think anything of it but now it's getting ridiculous. It's so very one-sided. He gets to see all my expenses and feels justified to get pissy about what I'm spending my money on but yet he's the one who decided that what he does with his money is not my business. Double standard? I didn't react of course. Instead I acknowledge his frustration and thanked him for being honest and sharing. He calmed down eventually. I'm stuck between a rock and hard place right now. Not sure if it would be wise to remove my name from the joint acct. and have my own acct just like he did or would this be perceived as "adding a nail to the coffin." Delicate situation...please chime in. What's going on with him and how do I get him off my back?

[Paz2014]

It's been five days without any contact from my H. Enjoying the San Diego weather and atmosphere and I feel it calling me back home. I'm not as consumed by sadness during the day but I do have my moments when I wake up in the middle of the night and the first thought is on my failing marriage. I just cry it out until it passes. Those crying moments seem to be less frequent. Perhaps due to my new found freedom...while I'm away at least.

I find that less contact with him allows me to detach easier. While I'm detaching though I also find that I'm daydreaming about life without him and imagining the possibilities of dating again. I gotta say that it's very enticing but then I pull back because I know a part of me is desperately seeking reprieve that anything positive seems like a better option than the current.

Yeah, I'm finding my happiness again but then this road feels like a threat to my M. A part of me is telling me that life would be better without him and another part of me is telling me that I can't run away and that my temporary euphoria is just a band-aid. This has been a struggle during my stay here. Truthfully, I'm not looking forward to going back home after being away for three weeks. I dread living in that tense, negative, emotionally draining environment. Why would anyone want to continue to live in that? Frankly, I'm amazed at the courage the LBS on this site have exhibited. It takes a tremendous amount of humility and meekness to take all that crap that WAS are doing.

I still have not done anything about the joint bank accounts. He still has not separated from our insurance (home/auto) like he said he would do despite my going out of the way to get the info for him on how to do it. The insurance thing is a minute matter but the joint bank account thing is still bothering me. I feel like I'm under his thumb and I'm trying not to get angry and scream "double standard!" But, I know he checks the joint account and I can just see him adding another brick to his wall as he looks through the transaction history and finds things he disapproves of. Meanwhile, I have no access to anything financial of his. I would really like to approach this as delicately as possible but I also want him to respect my space too. Any thoughts?

[Underdog]

CMF,

Sorry I haven't logged in for awhile. I've been off managing my own trail of tears...

Anyway, feel free to address your issues with him. Write things out and remove the emotion. Use "I feel" statements instead of "you make me" statements. And if you'd like for us to help you edit what you write, please post it here. I'll ask some of my pals here to help as well.

This isn't right. And you have every right to feel the way you feel. But things will happen as they will. Remember, you have to look yourself in the mirror every morning. So make sure you take care of the person you see first and foremost.

Good luck!

Betsey

[oad]

CMF the meek shall inherit the earth, weather u are religious or not we are doing the right thing. Im glad you have peace in san diego, I love that place..surf Solana beach and scripts and blacks a lot. as far as bank account goes...open your own bank account. Why should he have access and not you to his..remind him this is his idea not yours. keep your head high...ive been having an angry day today...but just gotta keep going...churchil once said...if you are going through hell, keep going.