One breath at a time

[whatisis]

Veggie weiner roast after church tomorrow! I'm living the life now lol.

[whatisis]

Damn, no veggie chili to put on the dogs. Apparently God does provide but only condiments lol! I was welcomed by the choir today and we ran through a few songs for our public gig, a lot of work is needed (especially on my part)...then we ate weinies in the parking lot.

[whatisis]

Yesterday we held our first "check in" with D20 to review her job search from last week and hear her plans for the coming week. It went very well and D20 did not seem to bristle at Voldy's continuous badgering about appealing her school suspension. Voldy just can't get it through her head the D20 does not want to go to University this year! Anyway, D20 has an appointment with an academic adviser this week to discuss what she needs to do to go back to school next year, if she wants to.
Tuesday night Voldy and I are taking the girls and their bf's on a dinner cruise of the Toronto harbour...and apparently Voldy is paying (but that can always change lol) In August she's taking the girls to Montreal and Quebec City for a week and I will be left in peace.
Anyway, that's my update. Happy Monday!

[mishka422]

Very good! I really hope she gets a job soon so maybe Voldy will lay off her a little. Being badgered does no good. Backing someone up against a wall will only cause most people to shut down completely. Only a few will come out swinging.

[whatisis]

Voldy is over functioning. She's trying to reduce her own anxiety by being on top of D20's situation. Again, there's a fine line between supporting and over functioning. I'm guilty of this myself in many areas of my life. I'm trying not to be looking for jobs for D20 or making a ton of suggestions. I don't want her responsibility to become my responsibility. But, of course, Voldy is projecting that D20 will be doing nothing for years and needs to be constantly monitored. D20 also knows that Mom is Asian and it is very hard for an Asian Mom to accept ("what will I tell my friends) that her daughter is not in university. So she cuts Mom some slack and Voldy, to her credit, recognizes her Asian tendency (lol) and does discuss it with us. But, it's not all about Voldy and her face and anxiety...Voldy has a tough time seeing that.

[Underdog]

Wii,

FWIW, I have some of the same tendencies as Voldy does though I work really hard at understanding them and suppressing the acting out portion. My IC way back in 2003 diagnosed me as a full blown crazymaker. And it fits me to a T.

Crazymakers tend to create/add to drama then be the solution. It's all a ruse - inherently designed to be a distraction from the real source of anxiety. And I can tell you, it svcks and undoubtedly was a huge factor in my marital strife.

I'd even go so far as to say that on my mom's side of the family (hell, we're not even Asian!), we suffer from mild to severe anxiety disorders. We litter the landscape with our issues.

I even have the tendency to travel the same route with my own D20 as Voldy does. My D20 applied to take a class in summer school at a local university, and because she didn't check the school mail, she missed the deadline for it. It was necessary for her to get this class done so she could travel abroad to Australia next spring. And let me tell you, I was frantic. I started spewing what I thought she should do and gave orders and deadlines. I began my own manic tailspin and then literally had to use calming techniques to stop myself from making it a much bigger issue. Yet... my D20 was calm.

I was really embarrassed when she told me that the signs all along had been leading her to the conclusion that she just shouldn't go. So she announced to her dad and me that she just wants to buckle down, get her degree and then get out of school. Period. Then she'll do what I did: after graduation, she'll travel there for a few months and get to know her family without school getting in the way.

In the old days, I would have definitely acted on it. I'm happy to report that I didn't do anything but spew orders, but I'm still a little ashamed that I literally couldn't stop myself from diverting from my own issues to go into that ugly mode. It's sometimes easy for me, and sometimes hard. Right now, I'm finding it hard because I'm menopausal, can't sleep from my awful night sweats, totally sleep deprived, dealing with the estate issues that keep popping up like some malfunctioning whack-a-mole game, trying to work and parent, and also trying to take better care of myself. I kinda feel like I'm losing the game, you know?

So as much as I can say how Voldy treats your daughters as a result of her issues isn't right (and it REALLY isn't), I'm ashamed to see myself in her too.

I meant what I said when I said that your girls are so fortunate that they have you for a parent. I feel that way about Mr. Wonderful too. He has none of my crap and can deal with sh!t that pops up just fine. And I'm grateful that my D20 can go to him and expect a reasonable response while I'm off fretting about whatever I fret about.

At the very least, I understand that the root of my stress is grief, topped with a thick layer of anxiety about the future icing. I'm trying to scrape it away so that only the cake is highlighted, but it's work for me at the moment. Voldy hasn't done the work, I so I'd expect it to be uglier. And if she's going through the change, well... uh oh. Be glad it's just you and turtle.

I'm trying to get some Rx relief from my gyno for my horrid symptoms, but they can't get me in until August 8 for the consult. She asked me if I could be pregnant. I was kind of pissed when I said, "Who'd have sex with me at this point in my life?" And sadly, I meant it.

Just keep being the good you that you are. I really appreciate you posting your truths. It tends to help me focus on what I need to do to be a better me too. You have no idea.

Hugs, Wii.

Betsey

[whatisis]

Thanks for sharing that, Betsey! I too understand over functioning and I also understand that it's not loving. It's perceived as loving and that's how we get away with it lol. In my case, SDA lady was a classic example. When she decided to leave her job (and it was HER decision therefore HER responsibility) I went nuts trying to help her find a job. I was scouring the job sites, picking up application forms, swinging by places I thought might be hiring etc. Of course, she saw this as a loving gesture but really, it wasn't. It was me taking care of my anxiety. It was me saying I didn't have confidence in her to make her way. It was me trying to be super boyfriend so I wouldn't get dumped! Where was she in that calculation? Nowhere! I was taking care of me and my anxiety...not her! This is often what parents do to, rather than letting their kids make their way we jump in and try to orchestrate everything in their lives to alleviate our own anxieties. We're saying "I don't believe in you" Wow, what a horrible way to treat our kids...but it's viewed as just parents loving their kids and wanting the best for them. Where the line is between support and over functioning is the question. It's tough.

[whatisis]

Hey, it's tough to know when to step in and when to let things go with the flow! I can remember last year when D17 was going for an interview at Am Eagle for her co-op placement. Voldy sat her down and did mock interviews, perused endlessly over her resume, and had D17's bf come over to discuss what was important in getting a retail job (he worked pt at a toy store). D17 said to me that she was getting really anxious about her job interview. I said "Look sweetie, don't get all worked up. They just want to make sure you're not an idiot!" Sure enough, the manager didn't even want to see her resume and took her to the food court for a 10 minute "interview" which wouldn't be considered an interview really. So Voldy was in complete over functioning mode. D17 did get the placement and, as a student, was their top sales person and won Employee of the Month! She did just fine on her own. Voldy was the one making her anxious, not the interview (she told me that herself)!

[mishka422]

Oh boy, I see a lot of myself in those descriptions. Do you think that might have been a factor in all of our D's? I have made a concerted effort NOT to get in the middle of situations where I would normally have jumped in with both feet trying to fix 'the problem' as I perceive it. It has led to a much better R between me and Gabe and between me and Marc. This whole driver's license issue with Marc has been pushing my anxiety level to the top and I've done everything I can to help correct the problems but only to the point of doing the parts that Marc couldn't do himself.

It's very interesting to me that so many of us seem to have this trait.

Discuss.....

[Underdog]

I'll just have to admit that my case of overfunctioning is really a control issue to mask my anxiety. I'm cringing when I type this: I might have done the same thing with the mock interviews as well. Isn't that completely nuts?

But I also appreciate your story with SDA lady. I think you illustrated it perfectly... and it all boiled down to us thinking that we can fix things for others. Yet we can't seem to fix what's wrong with ourselves? Yikes?

I'm going to be vigilant about this, and thank you again for making this the topic du jour. I can see my issues seeping out of the sides because my anxiety level is high.

I hope you'll all appreciate this one... I'm taking a muscle relaxer for my TMJ (hello, anxiety in the subconscious world), my options for treating the all night insomnia due to night sweats are really limited. So until my consultation appointment, they're putting me on a very low dose of an anti depressant. I'm kinda laughing about it. Because even when I *was* depressed, I made myself treat it the hard way. LOL. So I asked her the potential side effects. #1? Low libido. Again I said, "Like who'd want some crazy woman who sweats like a hog and can't sleep?"

Mish, I suspect we do all share that trait and the outcome. Wouldn't you just hate to be on the opposite side of our fence? Seriously. I'm thinking my D20 might be counting down the days until she heads back to school!

Good luck and everyone be nice to themselves. It all starts with self care. In fact, it IS the cure to anxiety.

Wii, you just keep being the awesome, reasonable person here. God knows, we need you!