She did WAW, then I did EA, now I'm DBing...poorly

[Joe1981]

I have no idea what I want to do.

[Mach1]

I have no idea what I want to do.

So take a look at your options...

Think about what a 180 would look like, and start with that..

What do you gain by staying, what do you gain by leaving for a couple days...

Do you change the dynamic by leaving, do you change it by staying...

All have to be your answers..

[Joe1981]

Well...I think leaving would be best. However, I have no place to go. My cousins in Tacoma are busy this weekend, I can't really afford a hotel and I don't really have any friends up there. I feel trapped. I know I should give her a couple of days...and it might actually be fun to get away for a couple of days...but I don't have any options. The consequences of having few friends.

[unbidden]

Can't you go camping or something if you want to get away?

[Joe1981]

Not much of a camper. Don't have the stuff.

And the hits keep coming. More repercussions of my actions. I unfriended some of her extended family and her friends. She's pissed. I'm lost. I can't even remember half of the stupid stuff I did while in panic-mode 2 1/2 weeks ago.

[MrBond]

"Anyone have advice on how to deal w/ constant attacking emails."

Just don't respond. She's angry.

'I try to be understanding and validate,"

Don't.

" but when she makes a threat or try to say how things are going to be, I can't help myself."

Yes you can. You just choose not to.

" I know the answer, just don't respond if I can't do so in a way that will help."

From her messages, you can get an idea as to what she's upset about and work on those things. The fact that she is actually angry is a good thing. It's when she has a "don't care" attitude that's bad.

[Joe1981]

MrBond,
I get that I need to not respond to anything that is verbally abusive or making threats. Others have emphasized that I should validate where appropriate. I'm pretty confused. I'm trying to be OK with her being angry. I know the show of anger is important for her. I'm trying to learn everything I can from what she has to say.

[MrBond]

"I'm trying to learn everything I can from what she has to say."

And what are those things exactly?

[Joe1981]

How much hurt my actions caused, how angry she is, how she is embarrassed by how many people I talked to, how she feels like I became someone else after BD, how she feels like my family has too much influence. To name a few.

[MrBond]

All of this is still too vague. Write them down in a list, including the issues about your weight, not listening, etc. Then underneath each item, write down SPECIFICALLY what you are doing to change those things.