I'm sorry the weekend was hard, but it sounds like you have a good plan, and a good idea of what needs to be done to help keep you feeling at least relatively comfortable.
I've appreciated this discussion. I've been wondering if coming to the boards has been making it more difficult for me to detach as well. I very much appreciate the amazing advice, but I feel drawn here like a moth to a flame, sometimes to the point where I'm so focused on reading the stories and advice and analysing my situation that it takes me away from some of the things that I should be doing and that might actually help to get some results.
M - 34 H - 36 Together 10 years Married 4 years BD - March, 2014
cc I know the feeling. the ex would come over and share what was going on in his life at work etc and never once asked about me or what was going on so I did not offer. I too bit my tongue and missed having someone to share with. even if it was just a new bird at the feeder because we would share things like that up until BD. It svcks. Yes and the sex... that was a hard thing to give up too. we would be intimate every night until the day he moved out. I don't regret that even if he was just using me. good for you on not snooping - I stopped doing that a few months after BD, it only hurt me. It works better for me to just completely wipe it clean from my mind - dive into something else. gardening and sweating my butt off really helped me. In retrospect, I would think of it as a faucet or dimmer switch (my love) for him. it was on full blast and he expected he could turn me off like a light switch, but love doesn't work that way. Now i've slowly been able to turn down the dimmer switch, turn the water flow off. I don't wish him any harm, only good things, but yeah - that love has definitely faded faster than I expected. I think it's survival mechanism kicking in or something. Not going to pine for someone that doesn't want me. I'm too good for that. Anyway - just checking in on you and letting you know you're not alone in those feelings and that it's completely normal. Things will get better. Keep your head high and a positive attitude
Me - 42 exH - 56 Married 10.5 years Together 17 bomb dropped 1/6/14 signed papers 2/4/14 H moved out 2/22/14 D final 4/4/14 Dropped the rope 5/17/14 2 cats, 2 dogs
you guys are doing so well with detaching.. I find it so hard.. I have lots of strategies to not think and obsess but then the thought just jumps back in..
i wake up thinking about the situation:: don#t even get time to get out of bed and control my mind:: i know about accepting it and letting it go:: i just find it so hard: i am able to do several things at once and one of these things is think about my h and my marriage:: or lack there of:: coupled with abandonment issues and a fear of being alone:: eek I am a mess and I dont know if the boards help or not:: i read about others and think wow that really sux it is just like me but a i still dont have anything to offer as advice
and DB holds out hope for reconciliation.. and I wonder does that help me..I can work on myself and GAL without thinking we will ever reconcile... might be easier
I dont know
a really rough week coming up so i pretty sad and stressed...
Just checking in on you to see how you're doing - hope you're well!
Me - 42 exH - 56 Married 10.5 years Together 17 bomb dropped 1/6/14 signed papers 2/4/14 H moved out 2/22/14 D final 4/4/14 Dropped the rope 5/17/14 2 cats, 2 dogs
Update: Ex H has had to ask favor of me several times over the past few weeks. He's asked for me to watch his dogs overnights on weekends while he commutes down there. His 86 year old mom fell and broke her hip in Austin area, and had surgery.
I've been as upbeat and supportive as I can be with him, as it's a serious situation with her age. He seems mildly appreciative in a brusque sort of way. He will not really look me in the eye when talking to me in person, and is very very brief in answering any of my questions about her. And on weekdays, he is obviously trying to get in and out with the dogs without seeing me at all. I actually had to wait for him outside 2 days ago, just to catch him to ask him about her status since I care about her. I sort of feel that he owes me occasional updates. Maybe I'm wrong.
It must be strange for him to feel so in need of my help, yet so averse to seeing or talking to me. Not that I care as much: in all my face-to-face interactions with him lately, I look at him and feel zero attraction. Guess I'm healing. Or moving on.
M 56 H 52 M 13.5 T 15 S 28 twinStep Ds 24 ILYBNILWY BD 1/5/14 OW 4/11/14 Divorce petition efiled 5/5/14 Divorce final 7/8/14
On another note, I'd been friends with a guy from my DivorceCare group who since March, increasingly expressed his interest in dating me. While I was still married he indicated that he wouldnt cross any inappropriate line, but once divorced, he named all the places he wanted to take me out. Well D day came July 8th,and he was waiting. I pushed back a bit indicating that I still wasnt ready to officially date yet, but that I enjoyed his company and could be friends. We met often for coffee, Starbucks type "dates" and lots of phone calls and drinks occasionally. Hand holding and a little kissing occurred, which I had mixed emotions about. He was so nice and encouraging. Seemed to be very thoughtful. He's a bit older than I am, and that was an issue for me. I never had him come to my house. I had a feeling that things with him were "off."
Then I caught him in two lies.
He'd been telling me all along over several months that he went to West Point and afterwards Vietnam. I would ask him questions about his experiences and he'd be vague. I asked him if he graduated from West Point, to which he said yes, and I asked him where he'd been in Vietnam. He asked me not to discuss VN, as it was too painful and that he didnt even discuss with other VN vets, which sort of seemed plausible.
Last week, I finally asked him directly why he wasn't listed on a West Point website of graduates. He was obviously unaware that I could look this info up online. He'd been caught red-handed. He admitted to me that not only had he only gone to West Point for 3 months before being kicked out (weak ankle issues, supposedly he was recruited for their basketball team) and didnt graduate, but that he was discharged from military and had not gone to Vietnam at all. I ended our relationship that night. Scarry stuff. Perhaps pathological liar. He'd woven such detailed stories about those "facts." I'm obviously going to have to be more careful and less naive! He has been texting and calling and emailing that I'm the best thing since his divorce, he wants me to contact his family and former co-workers to know who he really is, and I'm not responding.
So that's my update.
I've at least over the hurdle of kissing someone else besides my ex H, now.
M 56 H 52 M 13.5 T 15 S 28 twinStep Ds 24 ILYBNILWY BD 1/5/14 OW 4/11/14 Divorce petition efiled 5/5/14 Divorce final 7/8/14
one last thing...July 28th would have been 14th anniversary. On wedding day, we married at 10am, had wedding luncheon, then went to anniversary barbeque for Curtis and Janna, some friends of mine.
This week, i texted an answer to one of his questions on the 28th, adding, "oh and happy anniversary! To Curtis and Janna, of course, lol!"
totally inappropriate of me, and he did not respond, but I don't really care what he thought. I was playing, and having some fun with him (or at him?), laughing at the situation. Maybe that was mean of me.
But really, it was just another day. No real sadness or haunting memories like I'd feared would be the case, months ago.
M 56 H 52 M 13.5 T 15 S 28 twinStep Ds 24 ILYBNILWY BD 1/5/14 OW 4/11/14 Divorce petition efiled 5/5/14 Divorce final 7/8/14
hey cc! glad to see you still have your sense of humor! hey on the dude that lied to you, think of it as a learning experience!! I went through a couple bad dates myself and one guy was doing that - texing, emailing so much. When I followed my gut and told him I didn't want to lead him on, he did contact me again so I blocked him and haven't heard from him since then. It's weird to date after being married so long but at least you did get that first one out of the way and now you will feel more confident. good for you on checking him out etc, I don't think you were too naive, we all want to trust before assuming the worst. At least you found out early on before you were emotionally invested . Yeah my ex couldn't look me in the eye either - that's the whole guilt thing. When I started dating someone and saw the ex, I found I had a hard time looking HIM in the eye, I still felt a little guilty about it even though we were divorced! sort of effed up what your mind does to you - after being with one person for so long it still feels weird that you're not with them anymore. You sound like you're doing well cc, so glad to hear it!!
Me - 42 exH - 56 Married 10.5 years Together 17 bomb dropped 1/6/14 signed papers 2/4/14 H moved out 2/22/14 D final 4/4/14 Dropped the rope 5/17/14 2 cats, 2 dogs
TL,I was a little sad about that dude. I'd been conflicted about age difference (18 years), but we had easy time conversing, and he was easy on the eye (esp for his age). Unlike you, i did not feel guilty in the least about looking exH in the eye. In fact, I had an extra "lilt in my step" for a few weeks during this dating, and I just wanted exH to ask me what it was. He was too busy thinking about his own issues, and probably never noticed the "lilt."
So howz it going with the dating? is it still that same special guy who appreciates you? If it is, you've been with him awhile, now.
M 56 H 52 M 13.5 T 15 S 28 twinStep Ds 24 ILYBNILWY BD 1/5/14 OW 4/11/14 Divorce petition efiled 5/5/14 Divorce final 7/8/14
Anyway - just checking in on you and letting you know you're not alone in those feelings and that it's completely normal. Things will get better. Keep your head high and a positive attitude 