advice needed - please help

[stacey9]

Hi just another little update I am so angry I think I might explode.

H round tonight as usual and is actually going out of his way to be rude and not speak to me. He then had a go at our daughter as she apparently did not send a birthday message to his brother last week. Bearing in mind she is working 2 jobs at the moment and also that I took a present to his brother from me and our son and daughter! And to rub salt in our wounds they all went out for a biirthday dinner at the weekend- H, ow and some other family members. All very cosy.

And he's angry at me the wife who had been left totally devastated by his actions as have our S and D .

How on earth am I going to keep calm for this talk on Wednesday?

Any advice or thoughts welcome!

[SunnyB]

Stacey, I'm in no position to be handing out advice, so I'll hand out a (((hug))) instead. Your story is similar to mine, and I'm just as lost as you are. H and I still live together but are working on a separation, he's looking for an apartment, etc. I have made it clear that I expect that the children will not be exposed in any way to OW while we are still married so I don't think he'll move in with her. We shall see. Good luck Stacey.

[Roid76]

Just remember Stacy, you cannot control his thoughts or actions only your own. You will find that in the book. When you meet just try to as courteous and upbeat as possible, keep emotions in check, and do not argue over things at this stage. I made mistakes early on and still do from time to time, but the more you stick to it, the better it will get. Read the book, read other stich's on here, and take the advice of the ones that are generous enough to give it. It will get better!!!

[stacey9]

Thank you both for the kind words. I am trying so hard to be nice and pleasant when he comes round but it's so difficult when he no longer wants to speak to me. When he came round before he always made a point of coming in to see me and say hello but now he does not even want to look at me. I used to notice him giving me brief glances up and down as if he was checking out what I was wearing or looking at my legs but now there's nothing.

All I can think about is him and the ow and it's tearing me apart. I am GAL a little and going out with friends but the last few weeks I just keep expecting to bump into them together again.

Rppfl I hope things get better for you, please take care of yourself.

Stacey x

[Zues126]

Stacey,

Sorry you're here and wishing you lots of strength, support, and comfort.

Right now you're focused on day to day, and that's ok. I think you should put more thought into the 180s you're doing. They should be based on things you did wrong in the R. And while that's not to say that you did everything wrong, or that everything your H would say is something you should change, you darn sure should take time to understand his perspective and try to figure out where you do feel you were wrong. The more mistakes you can admit to, the more changes you can make, the healthier you can become, the happier you will be. And the more likely for a miracle to occur.

You were asked what your H would say if he were here. You started to reply, were fairly vague (smothered, unappreciated), then started to talk about his hypocrisies and you had issues with him as well. That isn't going to work. You have to dig deeper and avoid defensiveness and deflection.

Smothered and unappreciative are his feelings. What did YOU do specifically that he feels contributed to him feeling this way? Where in those behaviors can you accept you were being unreasonable? What insecurity on your end caused you to rationalize those behaviors?

Now...what can you do to grow in those areas? And how would the woman you want to grow into behave differently than you are now, specifically within the nature of the encounters you're having with your H?

That's digging in, growing, and doing 180s.

I know this is new and applaud you for getting through the days. I really do. You acknowledged you were jealous and insecure a bit, that's a good start. Channel your anxiousness into focused activity and it will feel good to do something productive with it, particularly something that will make you stronger, healthier, and closer to the W only a fool would leave. GOOD LUCK!

[stacey9]

Thank you so much Zues126 for your wise words. You are absolutely right in what you say. If I'm totally honest I think I became the type of woman who was so absorbed in her marriage and what he was up to and what he was thinking I lost sight of who I really was and what made me happy. I very rarely went out with friends. I did the exact same things in the evening and at weekends. I was always waiting on him changing his ways, where really it should have been me who got a life outside the marriage and made myself happy, not relying on him making me happy.

If I'd known about this site and the books a year ago, maybe things could have been different. I was always snooping through his stuff looking for things, it's as if I wanted to catch him out. Although when I did I was always furious. If I'd been more laid back about things and let him do what he wanted, maybe his thoughts of going out with his friends and flirting etc would not have been so desirable.

Now I'm frightened that this OW is perfect for him and he's never been happier. I have not mentioned her to him since I seen them together, and I know he would have been expecting a rant from me.

When he comes round tomorrow for the talk about finances, I'm probably better not to mention the appointment with the lawyer the following week - it might get his back up. I don't have a clue what he's going to say, although I suspect it may be something like he can't afford to keep paying x, y or z, and that I should contribute more. I am already paying all the bills. I hope he doesn't want to sell the house. I will try and be calm and nice, although I don't expect him to be. He has became the perfect stranger.

Thanks again for your wisdom
Stacey x

[SunnyB]

I was always snooping through his stuff looking for things, it's as if I wanted to catch him out. Although when I did I was always furious. If I'd been more laid back about things and let him do what he wanted, maybe his thoughts of going out with his friends and flirting etc would not have been so desirable.

Stacey, I was pretty much the opposite of what you describe. I never snooped, he went out and on trips with his guy friends any time he wanted. I never questioned his business dinners or travels. I never expressed jealousy, I trusted him completely. It didn't make any difference.

I'm not saying either of our approaches is the correct one, but I am saying don't beat yourself up over it.

[stacey9]

Thanks rppfl. I have just read through your thread and you mentioned that your h was not happy about an untidy closet - a bit spooky mine was the same. I must admit I can be a bit of a hoarder whereas he likes everything to be in its proper place with no clutter. But it did cause arguments between us. It's so hard to do everything when you work ft and have a family and house to keep.

Stacey x

[SunnyB]

Thanks rppfl. I have just read through your thread and you mentioned that your h was not happy about an untidy closet - a bit spooky mine was the same. I must admit I can be a bit of a hoarder whereas he likes everything to be in its proper place with no clutter. But it did cause arguments between us. It's so hard to do everything when you work ft and have a family and house to keep.

Stacey x

Yes it is hard to keep up with job/kids/house. My closet was the catch-all for the rest of the house. I definitely had things in there that didn't belong. However, that wasn't all the time, and it's looked perfect for a long time. He's digging way back to get that one, as he is for the extra weight. I for sure was not a perfect wife, but I was a good one. I do take responsibility for not paying enough attention to him, not making couple time a priority. But I never thought it would lead here, I just thought we both saw it as a busy life and when the kids were older it would be easier. Boy, was I wrong.

[stacey9]

hi - just a quick update. H has just left after our 'talk'.

I made sure I looked my best, no talk of R, never mentioned OW either. The bottom line was he doesn't want to continue to pay all of the mortgage. He came up with a figure which he has paid in the last 7 months when he "hasn't even been living here". His choice!

He wanted to keep lawyers out of it just now and try to agree amicably. I told him I couldn't afford to pay any more than I'm paying now so maybe we'll need to get lawyers involved.

The D word was never mentioned once, but he did say he would be looking to buy somewhere else to live and couldn't afford to do that while paying for this place.

So he is talking long-term plans here. I didn't ask if he would be buying a house with OW - he would just have said it was none of my business anyway.

There were no sparks of positivity at all. I feel totally deflated and beat.

I think the next steps are to get the lawyer to draw up an agreement on the finances, and how things are to be paid, but I think this is one step away from D - is this the right thing to do.

I love him so much.....but he is totally gone.

Please help.
Stacey x