Trying Again

[pilot]

Seems you are doing pretty well top. Just make sure SHE wants the footrubs and is not just letting you do it. Big big difference. Otherwise keep up the DB and keep doing what works!

[Paz2014]

Hey Topgun!

Be glad that she lets you touch her at all. From a woman's perspective, touching is a crucial part of love. Even though it's just her foot...the fact that she trusts you enough to give her a foot rub is saying a lot. The text messages and her being nice are tiny steps but they are positive and those are the things you're looking for--even though they are just about the kids. Right now she's testing the waters and the most comfortable and safest way to get close to you is by keeping you at arms length. She may have to see you as a friend first...

[topgunmb]

She may have to see you as a friend first...

It's interesting that you should say that. In March of last year, we had a talk after her not speaking to me for 2 months about nothing other than things that needed to be done for the kids. One of the things on her list was that she felt we needed to become friends again. As she described it, we had this castle that we kept trying to patch up the holes, all the while, the foundation was crumbling. I agreed because it really made sense. Unfortunately, we never got a chance to do that before things took a turn for the worse.

Hopefully, that opportunity will present itself again.

[topgunmb]

Just some journaling:

This week has been tough. I've been house sitting for my boss/friend. I miss being in my own place! My boss and his wife are VERY particular about things and I feel like I'm walking on eggshells in their home. I'm sleeping on an air mattress in their front room and that has done nothing for my sleeping schedule. Ha!

W texted me on Monday about a few things for the kids and so say that she had overdrawn her account. I'm the constant go to when things go wrong in her life. Texted a few times to let me know she was going to be sending something to the kids while they are at her mom's. Kept all my replies positive and short. She sent a text that felt like she was ending the conversation so I didn't reply back. My usual MO has been to send something back after that point and in retrospect, it just seemed...well, weak.

I initiated contact with W on Tuesday later in the day to ask about a book. We have been watching Game of Thrones together when she would come up on the weekends and she likes fantasy books. There is a book series that she has read since we first met, but I've never been interested in it in the past. After Game of Thrones, I thought I might give it a try. Asked her if she had the books with her. I was pretty sure they were still here (she's been storing her stuff in the garage since the time she was evicted from her apartment), but didn't want to look unless I had permission first. She told me what box they would probably be in and we had a little text conversation about the books. She ended by saying that she needed to go to bed (it was late) but that she hoped I enjoyed it and to have a good night.

No contact yesterday and hadn't any today until she texted me in the middle of writing this to ask about a video file I had sent her on Monday that she was having trouble opening.

It's hard not to get discouraged sometimes. It's been over a year and while there have been definite improvements in terms of her attitude toward me, it's hard not to wish for more. As much as it would be fantastic for her to walk in one day and have things back to normal, I know that won't happen. I don't want things to be the way they used to be. The way they used to be ended in a place where neither of us were happy. It would just be nice to start again, this time with the knowledge that I've gained over the past year, and take it slow.

Anyway, sorry for the venting. I'm really missing my kids and sometimes Two-Face takes over my brain. I need to send up the signal to have my inner Batman come put a little hurting on him. The upside to this week has been that I've had time to work on a freelance project and a personal project that I've been putting off for way too long now. Getting back into a regular workout schedule again and moving me a step closer to getting my Captain America body.

[topgunmb]

Ugh. Trying so hard not to be upset. Been trying to limit contact with W this past week. So far, she has been the one to initiate contact with me almost everyday.

Today, I get a FB message from her asking about anti-virus software for her laptop. Then there was another message saying "Wanna see pictures of me and x surfing yesterday?" and a follow up "Sorry, that was for SIL" I asked her who x was and she responded that he was a guy from school that she had gone surfing with a few months ago and asked if I remembered. Yeah...never told me about that. I just responded that I'm sure she had and I just didn't remember and moved on.

Now, it's entirely possible that this guy is nothing more than a surfing buddy, but I guess I just find it interesting the way that she worded the question to her sister.

Am I mind-reading/reading too much into that?

[pilot]

yes you are definitely mind reading.

And quit initiating contact with her about a book you want to read. I know you want to talk to her but when you 'reach' for topics, you come across poorly with her. Give her the space she wants and detach and let her make the contact. Even then be brief.

Good luck!

[topgunmb]

Thanks, pilot! As soon as I sent the text about the book, I regretted it. Should have taken that moment to think before sending to decide if it was a good idea or not.

Not mind reading is something that I struggle with. It's so easy to do sometimes and I know it's an area that I definitely need to improve on.

[topgunmb]

I've seen a few people mention 5LL here. At what point in DB would you recommend that book? i.e. when things seem to have taken a turn for the better (which hasn't really happened here, sadly). In my quest to become the type of H only a fool would leave, I'm trying to get all the knowledge and tools that I can into my utility belt.

[Ben2010]

I would read it as soon as you have the free time to do it. Its never too early to get the knowledge from it. Great book that can explain so many simple things that you may not have understood before.

[Gotan74]

I wish my WAW would let me do that you are lucky one day at a time.