The reason I was asking about message sending is based on the advice of teaching others how to treat you. So, wondered... what did I teach him. The message I understand is to not care... about him. I get that. But I still wonder what my new disposition says...its brand new to me.
Also, when you suggested that "old" comment, it was only 3 weeks ago when he pulled his sexual moves on me... nothing has changed since then. He has been the same, and just this weekend trying to temp check with me. I am not convinced its not a good statement to still use. I just wonder if it makes it sound like I am "waiting" for him to make changes... that he may/ or may not be capable of. And, by saying this does it make me look like I have no self value, by that statement?
Starsky... please advise me the way you did with pearlharbr.
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Heather: let's pretend I have a food addiction... I still need to eat. Its about control.... self control.
Last edited by makingmagic; 07/14/1403:30 PM.
M:46 H:49 T:20yrs myD:22 H distant summer/12 H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12 BD: Dec 2/12 asked me begin to move end of Jan/13 moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff) "agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
Heather: let's pretend I have a food addiction... I still need to eat. Its about control.... self control.
Ok, then, Miss Food Addict...Is it ok to continue obsessing about pies and cookies...daily...24/7? Is it healthy?
Food Addicts have to surround themselves with support and Eat to Live as Opposed to Live to Eat...You, my friend, living to eat. Food is still the main obsession/fix in your life.
You get a high each time you talk about the possibility of eating how you want...i.e. having EXBF re-commit. Imagine he is a big Chocolate Cream Pie. Yum. You want to hear you can get back to having a piece each day...and, maybe even binging here and there. No one is playing anymore. You've worn the posters out.
It's B.S. MM.
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
Starsky... please advise me the way you did with pearlharbr.
MM, Pearlharbr was a quick study. You have proven either to stubborn, too unwilling or emotionally/mentally too unable to learn, and so I merely drop by to encourage you or point out something to you, as the case may be.
I could (and have!) tell you what your ex is thinking, but to share those insights with you (for the umpteenth time) will only to further feed your obsession and dysfunction, and I care for you too much to do that.
"You need to remember that you are dealing with an addict. No amount of reasoning will make a bit of difference. MM needs to reach her bottom and she hasn't yet."
yes, i know this. MM is also addicted to attention, much of what she posts here is to get attention from others.
personally i think everyone should ignore any comments by her about her x.
"In a ham and eggs breakfast, the hen is involved, but the pig is committed".
Heather.. no, of course its not healthy to obsess about the pies, etc.... but, did i EAT IT? >>> NO!! I am proud that I AM FINALLY able to say NO to him (one month solid). It may still be my obsession (ATM) but it is NO LONGER my fix! You don't get to keep telling me what I have & have not accomplished. I have dropped the rope and he is no longer able to draw me in. It doesn't matter if you see it or not. I know how I feel.
Starsky.... I too can be a quick study. When you said 3-4 weeks ago to kick his "arse" to the curb, I began doing just that ... I have not slipped. I have maintained the course & it was just this week & weekend that he has responded back to my declines with pursuit. I am not sure why you say that I am stubborn/unwilling... I have done exactly what you prescribed. I was extremely careful to follow. Yes, you have told me what he may be thinking previously...but not since I got the guts to say no, this weekend to his date offers.
I am hoping that you reconsider or at least tell me why you feel I am not listening to you.
Ken... I do not need anyones attention.
Last edited by makingmagic; 07/14/1404:08 PM.
M:46 H:49 T:20yrs myD:22 H distant summer/12 H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12 BD: Dec 2/12 asked me begin to move end of Jan/13 moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff) "agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
I had a very emotionally unavailable dad. He was/is very intimidating and put a lot of pressure on me to be perfect.
My mom is a recovering alcoholic and was emotionally unavailable, for the most part, until she got sober when I was 8. She was sexually abused as a kid by her father and has some serious issues with men. She saw men as necessary for her survival...literally. She can't imagine being alone without a man to take care of her.
My dad had serial affairs when I was a kid. I depended on his love but he was unavailable and very rejecting and scary.
For me = the thrill of chasing my dad's love and approval became my drug...when he looked in my direction and gave me Atta Boy's...I felt complete. It was a high to get the attention from someone so distant and unavailable. I began chasing his love from a very young age.
Grandpa left my Grandma for her secretary.
Dad left my mom (he said because of her weight problem) when I was in middle school...he left for his young, skinny secretary.
Within two years both parents were remarried. My mom found a very abusive, angry man...mentally ill in my opinion. She became addicted to making him BETTER. It never happened. My mom lost herself and made this man her mission. She was determined to SAVE him in order to avoid another divorce and the humiliation.
He is still, to some extent, her mission in life. He always came first...before me and my siblings.
One angry night, I escaped our home after physical abuse from stepdad and I moved in with Smokey the next day. He was to be my savior. He was perfect...a good-hearted substance abuser who adored me and gave me "love"...in reality what he duplicated was the pursue/distance routine that I was used to with my dad. He never gave himself to me completely...he couldn't...he was an addict and that was his one true love. I spent the next 20+ years trying to prevent him leaving me like my dad. He emotionally abused me and kept me hanging on by a string for decades. I put him first and neglected the needs of our daughters-in some respects-- in order to "keep him happy."
Rejection to me = Love. The pursuit and fantasies associated with reconciliation and the possibility of attaining the unattainable...for me...that high I feel when I get him back...he is sorry and beholding and comes back to me...All very sick and very dependent on the actions of someone else.
I never learned to fill myself up with love. I never experienced the necessary "soft place to land" kinda love you're supposed to get from your parents...I came up with my own sick version of getting whatever crumbs/cookies I could from men who could never truly love me unconditionally.
It wasn't my fault. It was what I was used to. We learn best what we learn first.
How I use this information and self-awareness is important now. My addiction was slowly killing me and driving me to a very dark place.
Now, I see the damaging pattern. I see that I've continued to put my wounders (My dad, Smokey) on pedestals and waited for them to see the light...It's time to stop.
Quote:
Bottom Line: Your EXBF treats you badly. He is NOT necessary for your survival. He is NOT FOOD. He could be distanced. You choose to keep your high nearby...It leaves you lost in a fantasy and dependent on the actions of HIM for YOUR happiness.
You CAN Fill yourself up with YOURSELF...it will require some serious action on your part.
I know you will get support here on the boards.
But, enough of the B.S. Time to face up to the truth. You don't want to let him go. You refuse to.
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
Lois, You describe my W and how she has felt about her father all her life perfectly! The thing is, when she found someone who DID love her unconditionally (or very close to it) in me, it felt like something was missing. She didn't have to "prove" herself to me in order for me to love and accept her. Without the "rejection" side of the equation, the love side just didn't "feel" right to her. Hence her telling me B-day that I should have "made" her do this or that. She talks about her "best" memories of her father being when he "made" her do things with him. This is why when her father suddenly wanted her back in his life, but on HIS terms (no husband and family in the way), it drove her to depression! Now, she has "earned" her fathers love by doing what he says he wants her to do..and that "feels" right to her. Wow.
MM, Remember when I told you that detaching and dropping the rope only works when you do it for you. I know you want to think that you are doing it for you but every time you post you post things that show you aren't doing it for you but to get him to notice and react! Just the last post where you said "This weekend was the first time he reacted by pursuing...". MM, this tells us that you are detaching to get a reaction from him. How he reacts makes zero difference! You aren't doing this in hopes he will see the light. You must do this for you and only you! Don't say you only posted that because you wanted to tell us what you saw. You saw it and posted it because YOU WERE LOOKING FOR IT! The whole "I'm an addict" thing is a cop out! I could just as easily say I was "addicted to my W" as say I loved her. The fact that you really believe he will do the "right thing" in the end, that he would "never" cut you out of the business, etc. says that you aren't seeing things the way they truly are! The fact that you are so concerned about how he may see what you do or are so worried what is the "right" thing to say or do tells us that you aren't detaching for you. You can say it's "only" been 3 weeks but MM, it's been a lot longer than that since things went south.
You have to understand just what "standing" means. It doesn't mean that you keep hoping and praying that he see's the light. It means that While you detach, GAL, drop the rope, etc. you leave an opening for if and when they may be ready to make a real effort. If you don't stop looking for a sign that he is there he NEVER will be! It will take a long time for him to get there and until you truly do the work FOR YOU, the clock won't even start on when that time MAY come! We see a guy who has hurt you, used you, showed you zero respect. He has openly talked about wanting other women (RE agent, dog walker), made excuse after excuse as to why he "can't" make ANY effort in your R and you validate by saying all the stress he is under or all the stuff on his plate. None of those mean a thing! There will ALWAYS be reasons why he "can't" until he wants to. As hard as it is to accept, he just doesn't want a R with you. That isn't going to change until something changes.
You reveal your subconscious in what you post here. You show what lies beneath by what you say. You must drop the hope that he will turn around just because you have detached (somewhat) for 3 weeks. You MUST stop worrying about every interaction. You must stop making excuses for him by talking about all the stress he is under or that he "wants fun in his life" but just can't seem to allow himself any. That's his chit, that's his problem. You don't know how frustrating it is when we read you defending him! Stop analyzing him! Stop looking behind you to see if he noticed this or that or how he reacted to you! Your life is still revolving around this man! I work with other people. I don't think about them when I'm not at work. If you can't detach while working with him you need to stop. If you must stay as you say than you MUST stop any and all interaction with him other than what is absolutely necessary!
Please don't just dismiss what I'm saying or tell me how well you have detached the last 3 weeks. We know you feel that you have. What we are trying to do here is point out that you may think you have more than you really have. You are heading for a fall, MM. You must let go! If you don't I can tell you without question that he is going to do something that you never thought he would and you won't be ready. He is not the person he was before B-day and he never will be again. There is a slight chance he may be able to come through and be a better person, one that you MAY want back in your life but that will take a great deal of time if it ever happens at all. MM, I stand to what I posted long ago...you need to become the best MM you can be, for YOU! What a guy who has done all the things he has, has acted the way he has, who is the person he is now thinks about you is meaningless! Until you can (honestly) say what he thinks of you is totally meaningless to you. Has no more merit than what some bum in the street thinks, you will be stuck in this dance with your ex!
Heather: Very sorry to hear about your story. My upbringing was completely different. My parents love each other and are still together. I was raised with a lot of love & attention. However, I never did learn to fill my own self up with love (this much is true). He is my addiction, a hard one to let go... but, I am learning that he is not healthy for me & MUST let go.
Matt: I am not dismissing, I am listening. I know that for the past month, I was letting go for ME... not him. And not for a reaction. I truly was surprised to see his pursuit & posted because of that. Based on what all gets said on my thread, I NEVER expected his pursuit AT ALL (and I was ok with that because I was moving on for me !!)... When he pursued, it would have been easy for me to pick back up the rope, I may have touched it, but I refused to pick it up....because of me. Yes, I need to stop worrying about EVERY action from him... i do. Its just that these last few days he has made efforts that I posted. For example today, he made us coffee from home & brought in my coffee mugs from home too. He is attempting to bait...I see it. I won't be hooked anymore just to be released again ...so, I am being careful. When you state that I MUST stop any and all interaction with him... I HAVE!! I am not convinced that he is capable of making a real effort towards me, therefore I WILL continue to release myself from his pant leg & continue forward. As Gabby keeps pointing out..what if he never comes back? At some point I need to stand on my own & be able to be truly happy again. I am working on THIS.
I am clearly focused on more than just him.... I AM clearing out my inventory... in the last 7 days, I have sold 14 vehicles!!!! THIS IS AWESOME!. This will keep us BUSY!!! It requires a lot of driving here & there, phone calls, paperwork, pick up parts, errands, etc.... by selling, I have just added to his stress level & that flows down hill to me.
My goal is to sell sell sell like crazy... REDUCE inventory. Downsize to a normal/reasonable size. We got too big, too fast & don't have the location to accommodate.
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An hour ago, he was finally able to present 2 offers to the crack addict landlord!! This does affect me as well.
M:46 H:49 T:20yrs myD:22 H distant summer/12 H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12 BD: Dec 2/12 asked me begin to move end of Jan/13 moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff) "agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
This morning he calls me... we discuss work & the days priorities. He then asks if I still want to go to the family party this weekend. I didn't answer yet. He then says it will only be from 2-6 roughly and if we want, maybe we can combine it with delivering to our client along the way. He also starts mentioning about the party for our mechanic for the 26th. Suggesting that we should be there. I asked if he was asking me to go with him? He said we could go together, and possibly ask my DD if she would be our designated driver. I said "I dunno, I will think about all this".
Of course I WANT to go.... I want to see the family too. Maybe, if I can contain myself to visiting with them, I will allow myself to go. I just don't want to give myself false hope & have expectations. ....
However, I know I WANT more, so why settle for less?
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Last night was the beginning meeting for my women's group. This term's theme is "personal mission makeover". For me, it is leading up to mean "personal growth" in the area of accepting myself, loving myself, etc. I realized again last night that I have put EVERY bit of faith into HIM & what he thinks of me. This happened because, HE believed in me (when I did not). He brought out the best in me. Turned me into a quality person & an entrepreneur (I did not believe in me...he did). Because of this, I pretzeled myself into being who he wanted me to be. This thought process must change... I must believe that I was always this person, and he merely helped me to see it. Now, I have to accept my potential. Let it resonate. My potential belongs to me and no one else.
M:46 H:49 T:20yrs myD:22 H distant summer/12 H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12 BD: Dec 2/12 asked me begin to move end of Jan/13 moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff) "agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
Hi MM, Last weekend I went to my in-laws family party with my W and kids. I was able to do this because I had ZERO expectations from my W AND I knew I would be able to go and contain any negative emotions that came up. I spent VERY little time with my W and spent most of the time interacting with other people there. It wasn't easy. It was a long drive to and from where I was in the car talking with her and the kids. I had to just let anything she said that could be hurtful if I had taken it a certain way go and ignore it. I had to be happy and upbeat even when she purposely said things that were digs. I had to endure the tour of HER new home (first time I was there for any length of time) listening to her go on about her excitement. It wasn't easy but I'm glad I went.
Can you do those things? Can you let any negative comment he makes just go? Can you (honestly) have ZERO expectations of him? Can you not get into "R" talks or get upset if he makes a comment about some other person (RE agent anyone?)? Can you not seem "grumpy" but actually seem happy with your life without him in it? Can you be around your "drug of choice" without taking a step backwards in your progress?
You need to honestly feel you are able to do these things before agreeing to go with him. You have to be able to hide any negative emotions that may come, ignore out of the blue comments or questions about your R from his family/friends or know how you will react and answer them. Can you do this? Only you know the answer, MM. But make sure you are honest with YOURSELF before you agree!
