Paragraph after paragraph of EXBF's actions/words followed by MM's REACTION. Isn't that the definition of Co-dependency??
MM's EXBF's Actions/Words + MM = MM's REACTION, MM's Analyis,
Sum Total = MM's LIFE
Sorry to be harsh, but honestly Magic!! I don't see you getting this??! It's maddening.
And, you mentioned a few days ago how you are waiting for him to act morally right...To do the right thing because he is, down deep, a good person and will do the right thing...WHA?????? Are you familiar with this Forum? This is MLC!!! They don't operate under the same rules.
Sorry. I just couldn't contain it today.
I see a very sad, frightened woman who is hanging onto this man's pantleg. Maybe I see it because I've been known to hang onto pantlegs myself. But, I was called on it. Harshly. I took notice. You seem to ignore and want a cookie from everyone here, every time you have some ridiculous conversation or swig of water.
Go back to your regularly scheduled program.
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
Thanks... my reason for saying "not a good idea, right now" was intentional. .. Not a lie. It was stating that regardless of what he asks me to do right now, its just not going to be a good idea.... right now. That its about me not accepting crumbs because I want & deserve more... If he cannot deliver, thats ok. It wasn't about having plans or not.... regardless of having a plan or staying home...its not a good idea right now! .... right? (see my point?)
Butterflies?... I am trying to see the benefits/advantages...
Heather, thanks for your opinion. I have let go of his pant leg (for real) just under a month ago. I have been maintaining my "NO" responses to his "offers" because I am treating it like an addiction. I need to be able to say no to my drug. I am not looking for anything from anyone. If someone offers a comment (good or bad), I appreciate it and try to learn from it. If you don't see my growth, thats yours. Sorry, you feel that way. I never claimed to be healed from my co-dependency (I am working on it).
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He texted early today offering to come pick up the cat. I was heading out. I suggested that my daughter will take her back instead. He has texted me often throughout the day, unimportant work related (I assume just to inform me). My DD just left to take the cat back now. Mentioning this because he has been using the cat as an excuse to have me drop by the house to swim or work, etc....
M:46 H:49 T:20yrs myD:22 H distant summer/12 H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12 BD: Dec 2/12 asked me begin to move end of Jan/13 moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff) "agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
So, if you're able to tell me to go pound salt...how come you can't tell him? If you're able to ignore posts that you don't like, how come you can't ignore him?
This man is stringing you along in sooooo many ways. You hang on his every word and action.
You can say it to me and others on here who pi$$ you off because you aren't as heavily invested in what we think.
But, somehow, you've become convinced that this man is necessary for YOUR SURVIVAL as a human being. He's not. Not a bit.
He is a flawed human being just like the rest of us, but it seems like there's this little girl inside you who is desperately, desperately trying to get his attention. I've been there.
How you feel responding to me, is how it should feel...to some extent...with him...that's your goal. Your goal is to be able to tell him to pound salt and not care one way or the other how he responds. That's detachment. That's how it feels.
Talk to that little girl and reassure her that he cannot hurt her anymore because YOU won't allow it. YOU can become your own life support instead of relying upon him.
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
And, if an addict truly wants recovery, then he/she will HAVE TO find employment elsewhere if he/she is daily thrown up against his/her drug. Recovery from addiction isn't possible when your drug-of-choice is in front of you daily.
You're skirting around the issue as opposed to taking the action that will really get you healthy. And, you seem to want Atta Boys anytime you only drink one drink, as opposed to three or...you snort one line as opposed to four.
I get now why I suspected alcoholism and why your thread has bugged me.
You remind me of my own male addiction and my mother's. Just my two cents. Could be wrong.
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
He is a flawed human being just like the rest of us, but it seems like there's this little girl inside you who is desperately, desperately trying to get his attention. I've been there. <<<< this is who I WAS...for 20 years... trying to change that & have ... just under a month ago!
...not care one way or the other how he responds. That's detachment. That's how it feels.<<<< amazing to know that one day, I will feel like that too.
Talk to that little girl and reassure her that he cannot hurt her anymore because YOU won't allow it. YOU can become your own life support instead of relying upon him. <<< I have good days and I have bad moments.... working on believing this!
I CAN & WILL DO THIS!!!.... I am pushing through to the other side... its important to/for ME!
M:46 H:49 T:20yrs myD:22 H distant summer/12 H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12 BD: Dec 2/12 asked me begin to move end of Jan/13 moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff) "agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
MM, I pi$$ you off and vice versa, because the B.S. doesn't work on me. You can't work with him and have detachment. Can't be done.
An addict can't do a lil coke and stay clean.
You don't want to let go. I know because I've been there. 25 years this month. I've had to cut him out completely to give myself time to detox. Thought I would die without him. I haven't.
The withdrawal from love addiction is similar to heroin withdrawal biochemically. Same shid, different addiction.
Get honest with it. You don't want to let him go. You haven't. For me, I'm two months in on No Contact and I still fight it daily. But, I'm getting better. You can't go through withdrawal until he is withdrawn.
It must drive your DD crazy. I feel for her. Watching your mother kill herself over a man is torture. I've done it my whole life. My mom replaced her alcohol with a man, then another.
I agree that you've made progress in standing up for yourself and listening to others.
I don't agree that you are doing all you can. I think you are avoiding the very actions that will cut him out...the actions that will force you to get clean.
EXBF is no good for me, but I can't let him go because.....????
Last edited by LoisB; 07/13/1408:15 PM.
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
MM, you are going to have to be braver than you ever thought possible. If you really want it. You have to give up the dream. All of it. ALLLLLLLL OF IT.
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
I get frustrated when you spin what I say. You did lie, about the cat being difficult, which you texted him and he called back (probably because it sounded like the lame excuse that it was) that started the conversation.
The cat being difficult was not your reason for not going, and you knew it, and cooked it up with intention to avoid him, and cooked it up with your daughter. That is lying, and that is modeling lying and unassertiveness. And that is what I was calling you on, and asking you some questions about, which have now gotten buried with other responses.
However I did want to clarify because you do misrepresent what I say, often, in your rebuttals of what I said. I thought it was pretty obvious that the lie was about the cat.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
Heather: I MUST work with him & show/have detachment... I am not willing, to walk away from my financial life investment. It is too much! and I am worth what I invested into.
I will do the best detaching that can be done under the circumstances. I can look at my addiction & not reach for it. I have quit smoking & can be in a room with other smokers & not want it. I can do this with him too! I can & I will! I MUST. I am detoxing in the best way possible & not walk away from my finances/business. I will do that when the timing is better & my name is on the business. I can & have withdrawn from him & push him away, much like I did with cigarettes. I occasionally STILL get the urge to smoke, but NEVER will!... same can happen with him. Mindset!
Yes, my DD has been upset with me but has been proud of me over the past year & more so in the past month.
Yes, I am going to have to be braver than EVER before & EVER in my life.....to get what I want! A life surrounded with people who love, respect and appreciate me... including myself. I must love me first. <<< I get this. A month ago, I gave up the dream. I am giving myself time to detox as well.
Advina: I am comfortable with what I said about the cat to create my comfort. He does not deserve to know the truth...right now. I get to decide what is right/comfortable to me now. Not considering him. This is more the goal for me at this point than to watch out for white lies. I typically am not a liar. I am not very good at it. My EX-H was a HUGE liar & I have no respect for him whatsoever. In reading of other situations & including DB'ing, this is acceptable.... for now. Who cares what "they" think?? I am working on me & if I have to tell a minor lie until I am in a better position & it protects my self!! Im ok with that.
M:46 H:49 T:20yrs myD:22 H distant summer/12 H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12 BD: Dec 2/12 asked me begin to move end of Jan/13 moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff) "agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
Sorry, I don't agree. You have the ability to control what questions you choose to answer and how detailed you choose to be. "No thanks I'll stay home" is assertive; "oh gee I can't find the cat" is immature. For your convenience and comfort, you have told fibs to your x several times and reported it here. Your daughter's observing her mother, who is an adult she looks up to. I thought it might be something you'd want to work on.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
