Until you take away his power you will never get his respect! MM, at this point you would be better off just quitting and never seeing him. <<< I agree, but cannot without walking away from everything. I cannot do that. I have all my money invested in this company. I am entitled to my salary, growth & investment. I will hold out for as long as I can, until I am in a better position financially.
You can't seem to separate business from R and it's killing ANY chance of reconciliation, of any kind. <<< explain how I am not separating work from R... ??
Go to work. Do YOUR job. Talk ONLY about business while there. Go home. Do not call. Do not answer his calls. Live YOUR life, totally separate from him! <<< I AM!!
If he asks about what you are doing outside of work treat him like you would someone you work with only. Do not offer to make his life easier in any way. His stress his HIS to deal with, not yours. <<<< I AM !!!
M:46 H:49 T:20yrs myD:22 H distant summer/12 H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12 BD: Dec 2/12 asked me begin to move end of Jan/13 moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff) "agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
Alright, I'll take a different tack, MM, You say your SO has a "conscience" and that he would never risk facing his family. Let me tell you something, my W was the the person who was most against D that I have ever known! She would drill into her D's that you just don't get a D, NEVER unless you were being abused. She knows that her entire mother's side of the family think she is VERY wrong for leaving her M. If you had asked me before B-day if my W would ever get a D from me I would have LAUGHED, seriously. I would have been less surprised if on B-day she had told me she was an alien pretending to be human than that she not only wanted a D, but won't even try to make our M work.
You cannot rely on them doing the right thing, ever! Yes, my W can be nice about things. At times she seems concerned about me but only if it doesn't interfere with what SHE wants! This guy has tried to use you for "just" sex. He has ignored you, done whatever he wants when he wants with zero regard for you and your feelings. I have seen from your posts him over and over again NOT do the "right thing". Was it right for him to flirt with the RE agent? Was it right to suggest you two be just "F%$kbuddies"? Was it right for him to make plans to have "fun dates" and not do it? MM, from your own words he has done many, many "wrong" things! MLCers do not HAVE a conscience! Their empathy chip is not working!
If you don't stop trusting that he will do the "right thing" I guarantee you WILL get burned even worse! You aren't getting anywhere with "honey" because he doesn't have a sweet tooth for YOUR honey! When exactly did he do these things for you that you talk about? Was it AFTER B-day? You are still looking so hard for the parts of him that he had before he changed you may be seeing something that's not there!
You are giving him your power every time you get upset about what he says or doesn't say. When he doesn't do what you had hoped and it hurts you. When you offer to help him and he calls you a dog with a bone. Heck, by defending him when we try and show you how he is using you or mistreating you! Yes, you are detaching hoping to 'get" him to see. If you weren't you wouldn't have felt the need to point it out during your last talk! You may not even know it, you may really think you aren't doing it to get him to notice but your words tell a different story. I'm not trying to be mean. It took me a long time to realize that I was detaching to get my W to notice too.
MM, please...don't think you can trust his doing the right thing! You WILL get burned!
Matt... I am not thinking I can trust.. I am hoping that he will do the right thing.. and he did, when we began our mediation. I just need to follow it through. For now, its the best I can do... If I create a storm, you can guarantee it will not be pretty & I will end up with far less. Apparently he HAS noticed... but that is NOT why I am doing it... I am worried about my health. I am dropping the rope for me. Thanks for clarifying how I give him my power. I will watch closer for that stuff
GM ... Im lost.. I would walk away if there isn't a romantic involvement. & thats what I have been working on for months. Sales have been the best EVER since BD!
WH... THATs EXACTLY what I am doing.... I am selling like crazy, reducing inventory, building our account. Able to take a large amount at any time (back salary). However, leaving it in there until my name is ON it! <<< This was recommended by a lawyer.
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He just popped in ... came from home. Brought me water. I said thanks. I Didn't open it for 15 mins. Opened, took two sips & he asked if he could have some. He guzzled a bit. I didn't have any more of it. He left (client duty). <<<< this is possibly his version of swapping spit and intimacy (he has said many times about sharing drinks). or.. maybe he was just thirsty (he did just leave his house 4 mins away). Just random.
M:46 H:49 T:20yrs myD:22 H distant summer/12 H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12 BD: Dec 2/12 asked me begin to move end of Jan/13 moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff) "agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
GABBY!!! I was kidding... I was repeating what my friend described as a joke!! LOL
However, I do understand the ways my Xbf operates. I know he is concerned about swapping spit & who he pee's in front of. He does not share these things very well... very concerned about diseases!
I am just posting what I witness... thats all!
Besides, how many business associates do you share drinks with?
Last edited by makingmagic; 07/11/1408:50 PM.
M:46 H:49 T:20yrs myD:22 H distant summer/12 H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12 BD: Dec 2/12 asked me begin to move end of Jan/13 moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff) "agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
One thing I've noticed is that you seem to frequently mention xbf is under stress. X is causing him stress. He has been worried about z and it's causing him stress. Guess what? Even when one of those. " stressors" is resolved, another one is right around the corner. There will always be an excuse because he can always find one.
Stress is pretty prevalent. It's called living and having responsibilities :-)
Last edited by Georgiabelle; 07/12/1401:49 AM.
3 kids BD 12/15/13 (IDKIILY. ) Rope dropped Cirque du Soleil style D final 9-9-14 "Some people are born on 3rd base and go through life thinking they hit a triple." Barry Switzer
I agree G'belle... and the same goes for him having a life. Just today, a neighbour pointed out to him that he keeps chasing money, but missing out on life. That summer is just about over. He had an excuse. Once he gets the location secured... he will have a life.
Apparently, he doesn't know how to manage both. Only one thing at a time.
Gabby.... To answer your question about water... because HE has an issue with "sharing" personal things and I don't believe many people "share" drinks with their business partners or fellow workers. I found that behaviour ODD. I am not obsessing about it. I just posted it for my reference.
Yes, that IS what I am doing... working through my inventory, so that I can get out! It has little to do with wanting to be with him for a relationship. I find it so much easier to not be around him... I am OK. I would be so much further along without him in my daily life.... I know this... So, it would be easier on me to be out of this business. However, I am being strategic & smart... trying to get my hands on my hard efforts & what I deserve. I may be going about it differently than some others would. But, I know what I have to do to get what is rightfully mine.
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As I was anxious to leave work last night (later than usual, after writing a deal), he asked if I would come over and work on a vehicle with him. I said no. He was also trying to convince me it made sense as I could bring back the cat to the house. I said no. As leaving he asked if I was going into town, to pick up my daughter (nosey). I said no & left.
Last night he randomly texts at 8:30: One more sold, 2 down the road...cheers
Normally, I would be anxious to type back "cheers". I texted back: Yep, it was a good business day.
He also started texting my DD... asking her to the movies tonight.
M:46 H:49 T:20yrs myD:22 H distant summer/12 H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12 BD: Dec 2/12 asked me begin to move end of Jan/13 moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff) "agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
Yesterday: At work, he suggested that its such a nice day and that I come bring the cat & come for a swim, as he would be in the pool too. I just smiled and didn't really answer other than "its a nice day". I wish I had said "Its not really a good idea, right now"... I felt I had missed my opportunity.
It was a successful day at work, sold another.. He started talking again about how great owning that location would be, & how he would organize the office & paint, etc. I said how great it sounds for him. He clarified & said that it would be good for us (in business). He also spoke a bit about how impressed he is with that RE agent, how she is a huge seller & on the top of the charts for her success (10M in commission). That RE is a better business than ours, etc & should be in THAT.
He had been texting with my daughter, making arrangements for the movies. I was headed out and on my way driving back to parents. We agreed I would swing by to drop the cat off, later. On my way back home, he called & asked if he cancels out on movies, as they didn't seem interesting to him, and he worked a little while longer back at house with our painter, would I like to go sit on a patio with him & DD and combine it with picking up another vehicle in next town? I scrambled/panicked for an answer & said I dunno, I'm driving & would call him later. ..... missed opportunity AGAIN!! UGH!!
A while after I got back at the house, I discussed with my DD (as I didn't want this to stop them from getting out). I decided I would I text: that the cat was acting up & couldn't catch her. Maybe they would have better luck when he comes to pick up DD for dinner or movies later. (not really answering his question if I want to be on patio with him, etc) He phoned... immediately:
He said "so, does this mean you don't want to go?".... (drum roll). I said "I don't think its a good idea, right now". He said "OH, ok" and then proceeded to say he was going to still ask my daughter to go with him locally on a patio. I said good idea & bye.
Last night, I got dropped off & went out to see a friends band play. My vehicle stayed in the driveway.
When he came to pick up my DD, she noticed that he turned down the street the opposite way & intentionally looked at neighbours house (assuming I was there?). My DD also said that he mentioned to her that he invited me, but I seemed grumpy & wondered why.
SO... I did it... I got the opportunity to turn him down... 180! It is totally against what I am really wanting in my heart, but figured I needed to do this for ME! To express my self value & show that I do not NEED his cookies.
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So why does it suck today? why is my tummy flip flopping?
Last edited by makingmagic; 07/13/1403:59 PM.
M:46 H:49 T:20yrs myD:22 H distant summer/12 H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12 BD: Dec 2/12 asked me begin to move end of Jan/13 moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff) "agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
Hi MM, You did well. One thing to keep in mind.... you didn't miss an "opportunity". Instead of saying "I don't think that's a good idea right now", you need to be able to say "Sorry, I have other plans" and MEAN IT! You did well, don't get me wrong. The whole way he spoke about the RE agent was pretty scummy by the way, that was him trying to control you by the way.
The best way to detach is to HAVE other plans. Get your own life. Instead of saying you don't think it's a good idea, tell him you are busy doing something more fun (like going to see a friends band play, which is what you ended up doing). Also, attitude is important. You don't want him thinking you're "grumpy" , but wondering why you are so very happy without him!
By the way, when you can stop feeling bad the next day that you didn't do what HE wanted and NOT have butterflies the next day wondering how he is thinking and feeling..... you are almost there!
MM, congrats on saying no. Perhaps the butterflies will ease up when you see the advantages of saying no.
But I'm gonna call you on making up a lie to hide from him, and especially modeling that behavior for your daughter. Why do you think it's ok to lie? You mention it here every now and then, making up a cockamamie story to try to accomplish things without becoming assertive. Does it trouble you that you lie?
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
