Today I had a lovely day in the rural countryside.
It started off at a poultry group swap meet with all kinds of people and amazing birds. Met up with a new dance pal who is also a neighbor and fellow chicken fancier. We spent some time at his house with his family, checking out his chickens and quail, gardens, fruit trees and herbs. Then we tried tasting and macerating, extracting and blending different herbal and fruit concoctions.
Afterwards, it was off to a real country fair with my pal and his sister, where they had tractor square dancing, animals, music, food, crazy antique machinery, kooky people...
Heather, I thought of you when I scoped the muscle cars. They had a cherry Chevy SS ragtop (ugly copper color though). Lots of old American cars 1920-1975 or so. You should have been there!
Anyhow, I ate like a pig and really enjoyed it. Another friend is a blacksmith and he had a booth, a bunch of people I know were hanging out there by his portable forge, playing with red hot iron and steel. And they had some chickens there, too!
We had a beautiful drive home, radio on and all the windows open, through lush, green rolling cornfields interspersed with picturesque small towns, stands of woodlands and single lane bridges.
I'm a NYC gal, so all of this "country" stuff is still fresh for me!
Got home after H had left, but he'd done most of the chores, so I could chill out a bit.
Three texts from him so far plus he left a long note. (He is not one to write)
Seems he was given a free cemetery plot due to a raffle for veterans he'd entered last year. He left the notice on the table: "Gee, you think somebody is giving me a hint?"
That's the first joke he's made in ages---granted, it wasn't in person, but still.
He plans another long bicycle ride tomorrow and I'm glad for him. He really needs it. Then he'll be up here doing chores.
I'll keep you posted!
------GGG
Me 54 Him 63 M 23 T 29 0 Kids Funny Farm of Rescues 12/12 OW-- 5/13 ILYBINILWY: A denied 9/13 Proof OW: ENDED 2/14 Got D papers on my BD I kicked him out for my sanity 9/14 He wants to "talk"?
Sounds like you had a great weekend. I went to my friends and she got a new pussy! Well a kitten. We had pizza for lunch and went shopping for kitten things like litter and food.
M 46 h54 Both married before T 11y Bd 2/14 I must see where ow leads! Ms 18 hs 26
It was hardly a blip on my radar when H showed up this morning. I took my time and eventually stepped outside, knowing he was somewhere working. He was right there and brightly said "Good morning!"
I asked him how his bike ride went this morning, and he again said he was exhausted. He looked wiped.
Some chit-chat about the bicycles... whether or not I should take my bike to the shop for a tune-up because he's so busy...he kept saying it didn't need much done to it, he'd look at it for me, tune it up if he found the time.
I was very appreciative, NO PRESSURE... saying: "That would be great since I know you are a Pro yourself" (He is), "But don't worry about it, I won't need it for a few weeks. Even if you only get a bit done, it will save on the shop costs since the basics will be done."
I basically said if he has the time, I'd really appreciate it, but if not, that's OK too! ---------------------------------------
Doing something like this for me was always one of his 5 LL, he's big on Acts of Service, and it is definitely one of his best skills, so I can affirm the heck out of him for whatever he does and it will be sincere praise.
I *THINK* he might have thought I was riding with some guy since he was sort of nasty when I first asked him to get my bike down from the garage rack. That's the same day he threw his bike in the back of his truck when he left! He seemed mad that day--but it got him out riding again, so that's great.
(And no, not a chance in hell he would have done that on his own, except to show me that he "can go riding too!!!!" )
Today I thought I'd take some of the "scary" out of it for him, and mentioned that it was my BFF; she was the one I was going to be riding with, starting off on the trail where he road this morning. So I asked him--should I take the road or mountain bike??? Some discussion about that.
I might be projecting but he seemed relieved...about it not being "A GUY".
Although it does no harm to let him know that I'm not sitting alone at home pining away, and that there are male friends involved, I don't think it would be helpful for him to get the idea that I'm getting involved with someone.
First of all, because I'm NOT, and second of all, because I think he is intimidated enough without thinking he has serious competition. -------------------------------
He wanted to visit with the dogs before he left, and interestingly, he yelled to let me know he was coming upstairs into "my" area, whereas last week and prior he just walked on up. (That walking in unannounced annoyed me, I felt like he thought he was entitled or something. It felt like an invasion of my privacy.)
I don't know if letting me know he's coming into my space is a good or bad sign in terms of our R, but it was something I was going to ask him to start doing again, so it's just as well. Maybe it's showing me a bit more respect, not assuming he can just cross my boundaries? ---------------------------------------
When he was here in the living area with the dogs, I busied myself with dishes, etc., pretty much ignored him except for minimal, upbeat conversation. I really didn't feel like engaging at all, to tell you the truth. I felt very detached. I really didn't care that he was here, when he would leave, or anything else.
No doubt he can feel this very distinctly. It's not an act. It's a definite vibe. I'm happy without him. That much is crystal clear.
He came over and started talking to my back as I was at the sink washing dishes and singing along to the happy music I had playing. I didn't really stop washing when H started talking; it wasn't required. But I acknowledged him, answered his questions, etc.
My responses were pretty much: "Um--uh-huh. Wow. OK..." I wasn't deliberately tuning him out for effect--I was BUSY and he was interrupting.
(I have to be careful about this though, one of my 180s has been to be more open to interruption. It's an ADD/Aspie thing.) ---------------------------------
I *Think* that due to his intimacy issues (documented) that he PREFERS to talk to me while I can't really engage because I'm cleaning, or involved in something; it creates the distance he needs to feel comfortable. Instead, he prefers to talk on the phone. (Preferably with me in another state!) Or work side-by-side on projects with little talk at all.
Too bad for me because I need Quality Time, Physical Touch, and Words of Affirmation. I lost out on ALL THREE with him over the years.
If I were to stop, dry my hands, and give him my undivided attention, historically, he would be somewhat uncomfortable with that "intensity", especially if we were actually "connecting". God forbid! This is one thing I can no longer live with. ----------------------------------------
The flip side of that is now he talks AT me, going on and on, seeming to build himself up about WORK.
This is funny because he knows I value kindness over EVERYTHING, particularly over the ability to make money, yet he pretty much dropped the ball on embodying that value. Yet providing for me and his "kids" is one of his LL, it is truly an Act of Service. Hmmmmm.......
And along that "money making" line, as he was (talking to my back) he started asking about my DJ gig this coming weekend. At first I thought: "Cool, he's interested."
But then he was asking how much I got paid, for how many hours, calculating the total out loud... I said there was also the $200 free event admission to calculate in... etc.
I just didn't engage, didn't see the real point of the discussion. It is irrelevant to him, and to me, unless his goal was to contrast our earning potentials. (Can you say "Alimony"????) He wasn't asking me about what I'd be playing, only about HOW MUCH I WOULD BE EARNING, because we both know he makes the big bacon, and I never will! -----------------------------------
It was only after the fact that I started asking myself if he was making a "comparison" between my ability to earn money and his own. Perhaps. (Seriously?)
I didn't detect a snide tone or anything, but it falls in line with many of the conversations we've had. Mulling it over, I think it was another version of the same "tooting his own horn" effort at building himself up.
He's all like: "Yeah, I make good money, I'm so good at what I do, I'm golden, getting a raise/bonus, nobody else is, I'm so important."
Yawn.... Yes, I do my "Words of Affirmation" but it's not very attractive when someone does it for himself so my input is redundant.
I get that his self-esteem has suffered as a result of all this. How could it not?
I now know that he has always struggled with feeling inadequate, so probably that's where it comes from. It's just sad that he feels he has to do this.
Whereas, I'm the opposite. I'm confident and secure in myself. Always was. Always hope to be. Maybe that's what attracted him to me at first, but also intimidated him. (Not mind reading, just postulating!!! ) ----------------------------------
I find myself tonight with no expectations from him whatsoever.
And that feels good. ---GGG
Me 54 Him 63 M 23 T 29 0 Kids Funny Farm of Rescues 12/12 OW-- 5/13 ILYBINILWY: A denied 9/13 Proof OW: ENDED 2/14 Got D papers on my BD I kicked him out for my sanity 9/14 He wants to "talk"?
You seem to be tuned in to the dynamics and feelings, although somewhat detached from the outcome (that's a good thing, BTW.)
So I wonder, GGG, what do you do with that information?
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
Just a tidbit from my MLC experience. While in the midst of our MLC, we need to inflate our sense of self-importance because of our depression and sense that we've accomplished NOTHING. Something to keep in mind the next time H toots his horn.
Another thing, GGG, that I'd like to add here about your recent ah-so funny posts about Poe.
I don't need to read the morning funnies nor watch any of the Seinfeld reruns because I have the GGG channel to fill me up!!! I get my laughs right here and it's all right in my world.
I think that's the true reason Bea is begging you to keep posting here. She's too nice and classy to state the obvious!!!
AJM-- I don't really have a "use" for the information at the moment. Perhaps I never will. It's just filed under: "Things Which May Make Sense Down the Road."
As I go through this process, I've been looking back a lot, at our individual and shared histories.
Little things I never gave much thought, or really understood, are becoming clear now.
There is a big picture developing about H, and about me... and these current observations are simply a part of that.
I am a very analytical person and I like to have all the information I can handle.
It's INTERESTING!
And Wonka, so glad I can crack you up!
I crack MYSELF up!
The weird part is, most people think I'm pretty funny, but H never thought so.
In fact, he even said (in the throes of his infidelity discovery):
"YOU'RE NOT "funny". I don't know why other people find you funny. You've never been funny. OW made me laugh. SHE made me HAPPY."
Well, that's when I knew he'd lost it. Most people find me entertaining, with the exception of him, my mother (no sense of humor either), and people who have a stick up their butts/are angry at the world.
Oh---wait! That's my mother AND my H!!!!
My sister said of him after this whole debacle: "I never told you because we all loved him, but he is one of the angriest people I've ever met. "
I thought this was amazing since they got along so well, very close. I never saw that anger, I guess he let it all hang out with my sister. ----------------------------------
But, Wonka, I believe what you said about MLC dumping self-esteem into the toilet. It makes sense.
How on earth can he feel good about himself after all he's done? I know he has a conscience and it's starting to bug him.
He hurt me deeply, he hurt the OW (less sympathy for her because regardless of her problems, she had a CHOICE), he has hurt our family, friends, future, jeopardized his job, and lost respect from ALL the people who know about this. (Basically all the people he's close to.)
He knows he has destroyed my trust and respect.
If he follows through with this divorce, we will lose our house, and these animals will be gone...
I don't think his self-esteem was great to begin with, and this has really done a number on it. ----------------------------------------------
I remember hearing the Simon and Garfunkle song "I Am a Rock" a few months ago, and I sent him a text saying:
"This makes me think of you. "A rock feels no pain, and an island never cries...."
It's because of how he distanced himself from me, from everything he cared about, in order to protect himself over the years.
MLC is a part of it, but that intimacy problem has always been there. He keeps people at a distance, won't be vulnerable, won't ask for help, won't share... keeps barriers and walls in place.
Anyhow, his response to that text was: "A rock...an island... No, more like a pebble..." He has also (early on after I discovered OW) said he was: "A coward, weak, made so many mistakes, will die alone for what I have done."
Somehow that got replaced with: "Divorce is all the closure you'll get. "
Oh well....
------------------------------------
OK. This post is not funny, so let me tell you this story!!! I need to end on a positive note.
We've got some dead trees on the property that need to be cut down, so I called the tree guys to get that done.
He sent me a text (all thumbs) about it saying: "They are only doing wives on weekends"
I sent back: "Hahahaha! What???"
Him: "They only are doing work on weekends."
Me: "I liked 'they are only doing wives on weekends' better! Hahaha!"
Thinking this was funny, you know, they are two guys, they provide a "specialty service"... you know. Funny, right? So I was surprised that his end of the convo went dead.
For the rest of the night, until the next afternoon.
I was *thinking* he was p*ssed about something, so I'm trying to figure out if I'd done something to trigger this.
I re-read the texts---and then it HIT ME.
"Only doing wives on weekends."
Well, that was a complaint I had about H!!!
He ONLY ever wanted to have sex on the weekend afternoons. FOR DECADES.
Never in the morning, never at night, never more than once a week... I hated this but finally gave up.
Of course, he was at work with OW and they were hooking up in broom closets on weekdays, and whenever they could get an overnight at a hotel.
(And he was SO happy to rub this in my face, how he loved to ML to her in the morning, how he "held HER all night long..." Of course, he did this with me at first too, which I reminded him about, but he denied that ever happened. Yeah, right....)
So---I'm thinking HE read my joke/funny take on it as an insult. Not intentional on my part necessarily, but maybe it hit him.
"I only did my wife on the weekends, weekdays were reserved for my Ho-worker!!!!'
And that's my joke of the day.
---GGG
Me 54 Him 63 M 23 T 29 0 Kids Funny Farm of Rescues 12/12 OW-- 5/13 ILYBINILWY: A denied 9/13 Proof OW: ENDED 2/14 Got D papers on my BD I kicked him out for my sanity 9/14 He wants to "talk"?
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