HI Gabby.... really not sure... its not a pleasant thought. One thing would be to quickly sell through my inventory & get out!.... <<<< I am doing this! Selling as much inventory as I can.
Hi Ken ... except for the fact that a NEW business was created that is separate from the business he had. Its a spin off of his old business. We used his credentials & location. Changed the name, became quite large & profitable. My new deal with him, includes buying into an existing business.
Also, I was right... he mentioned that his evening included some "stalking".
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I woke up to a bad dream again this morning...dreamed he was with OW... (did not like that, obviously)...woke up sad. Hate thinking this type of stuff.
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Spoke with him this morning, he is irritable still (his phone is adding to his stress issues along with clients). I repeated how I was just trying to help last night, in spite of his "plan' that included stalking. I continued to state my reasoning but he interrupted me and told me we could talk about it more later (as his phone was irritating him) and then said I was being a dog with a bone. UGH... so I stopped. He was insistent on his part but then doesn't let me explain mine. I left it alone.
M:46 H:49 T:20yrs myD:22 H distant summer/12 H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12 BD: Dec 2/12 asked me begin to move end of Jan/13 moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff) "agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
"Hi Ken ... except for the fact that a NEW business was created that is separate from the business he had. Its a spin off of his old business. We used his credentials & location. Changed the name, became quite large & profitable."
its NEW.
except its a spin-off, with his credentials and same location. selling the same products. you changed the name, and helped increase sales.
so its not NEW. regardless how you're spinning it.
"My new deal with him, includes buying into an existing business." -- since this hasnt happened yet, it doesnt matter.
"In a ham and eggs breakfast, the hen is involved, but the pig is committed".
Ken... Im not spinning it ...its NEW! Completely different than what he was doing before, its like a sister company!!... selling different products!! besides, he feels and agrees its a new company too.
Starsky... ok... so when do I get my turn to clarify things? It's like he gets to state "he does not want to pick up the cat in town when he is in town".. PERIOD. And I don't get to state, "but, I am heading into town (that works for me & the cat)....?
M:46 H:49 T:20yrs myD:22 H distant summer/12 H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12 BD: Dec 2/12 asked me begin to move end of Jan/13 moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff) "agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
I agree that he has a tonne of excuses why my name isn't on the business, yet. HOWEVER... I do believe he wants to finalize it. It is another thing that is hanging over his head & he does want it dealt with. Yes, he feels it is "our" business now (8 years), but he wants MAJOR recognition that it was HIS before & because of being able to run off his already established business, he wants compensation! He does FEAR giving up control and that is probably why he has used stall tactics. I do not feel that he is using a tactic ATM because he is extremely invested in securing our business location & that has him spinning out of control. He views this property as sanity control & I see it, it does make sense.
Stop assuming you know what he feels. Even if he says it directly, stop analyzing it. You don't know how he feels. Even if he tells you, stop believing his words. Words are words. They mean nothing.
Originally Posted By: makingmagic
Tonight, I was offering to help him with our abundance of work & when I called him it seemed to be bad timing. I was asking how I can help & was interested in how he was going to make it all happen. He was irritable & apologized (saying he has a lot on his plate). I think he is trying to stalk the "crack head seller" amongst getting his moms RX and its taking a toll on him. I was still trying to ask about our business and what was needed & he honked his horn, interrupted me, said he had to go & apologized again for his mood & he was anxious to get off the phone. <<< this set me back. I feel like he was protecting a lie. I don't like how it made me feel. I cannot assume. I cannot mind-read. I am letting it go. UGH!!! (going to go distract myself with TV with my DD).
Stop offering to help. If he wants your help, he will ask for it. Live your own life.
WH
AT BD: WH 41, J 43; Bomb 2/5/2012 Two kids, one dog D Final 6/18/14 J marries OW 1/24/15 "No matter where you go, there you are"
MM, You DON'T get a chance to "clarify" things! You don't get to say your "piece". You don't get to "tell" him anything! Don't you get it? He doesn't hear you and he's not listening! Yes, it [censored]. Yes, he is "wrong". Yes, it hurts because you have invested 20 years together but none of that matters!
What you have been doing hasn't worked and will never work. He will never "hear" you until HE'S ready and he is far from ready and may never be. Stop offering to help him in ANY way. Please, please STOP explaining, clarifying, stating, etc.! It does no good and actually hurts the sitch. I don't care if your position makes 1000 times more sense, even for the "cat".
You need to stop compounding your "mistakes". You know you made a mistake talking about the R. Now, just drop it and let it go, don't try to clarify, it will only make it worse!
Until you take away his power you will never get his respect! MM, at this point you would be better off just quitting and never seeing him. You can't seem to separate business from R and it's killing ANY chance of reconciliation, of any kind. Go to work. Do YOUR job. Talk ONLY about business while there. Go home. Do not call. Do not answer his calls. Live YOUR life, totally separate from him! If he asks about what you are doing outside of work treat him like you would someone you work with only. Do not offer to make his life easier in any way. His stress his HIS to deal with, not yours.
Lastly, do yourself a BIG favor and get the business stuff out of the way. No more delays, no more waiting for this or that. I don't see how waiting to see if the RE deal gets done or not affects how much of the business belongs to you or him. So he's stressed and busy, so what? This is more important to YOU then him and he has no right to put anything before getting that done and finalized. If you let him delay any more and you may find yourself without a SO or any part of the business!
Whoever he was before he no longer is now. He is a selfish jerk. He is self centered and cares NOTHING about what's best for YOU. He only cares about him and you had better get your ducks in a row and protect yourself NOW! There are stories all over this site about spouses who have kids that they no longer care about! S's that no longer care about people who they have been married to for 30 years. S's who do awful things that not only hurt their H/W but their young children in ways that they will never be able to fix. He doesn't care about you at all right now! He may never care about you again. If MLCers can drop their own kids, their flesh and blood (after being "great" mom's or dad"s for many years) just think how easy it is for them to drop a SO from their life. Treat you like crap and not care at all about you. Stop waiting and hoping for the old SO to show back up. If it ever happens it will take a long time and won't happen at all until you drop the rope, GAL of your own and let him be. If he destroys his own life, so be it! Don't let him destroy your's as well!
I know you're "trying". I know you think you are making "progress" but every time you end up going back to giving him all the power! It only takes one wrong talk to negate weeks of "progress" when that "progress" isn't really the kind you want. You are still detaching to "get" him to see you and want you again. You need to stop doing ANYTHING for him. You need to do it for YOU!!
MM, when you do or say something and later come to the realization that it was not productive or healthy, you tend to come here as if to confess and be judged, and then self-flagellate as if to say you're harder on yourself than anyone else could be.
That reads as unhealthy. It would be more adult to journal what you did, what you learned from it, and what you would do if you could go back in time or if the situation comes up in the future. That way you're ready.
Figuratively punching yourself does no good and sounds childish. Can you try presenting yourself with more dignity? Can you act as you would like to be perceived? Can you take your mistakes as an opportunity to learn and progress rather than beat yourself up?
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
Gabby: "You just proved something very crucial here. You are only staying in the business for hopes of reconciliation . You would get out if there was no personal future ?!?".>>>>> No, not sure how you can suggest that. I am in the business because it is part mine & worth ALOT of money. I am staying in it to get my part & then exit. Unless the feelings are gone, I cannot imagine remaining in this partnership. This may take 2 more years, before I can exit.
Ken: BUT, IT IS both. It was his before, then we reorganized & brought in different inventory. Changed the name. The company grew drastically.
WH: I am only repeating what he says... Yes, words are words. I am waiting for him to do what is morally right. He will. He has a conscience & is generally a good guy. Recall, we do have a mediated agreement. He is somewhat happy with it. He was generous in certain areas as well. The offer to "help" is related to the business ONLY. I am tired of making excuses to my clients ... so, helping to get stuff done, is proper partnering. Otherwise, I am not offering to help on personal stuff.
Matt: It may not be clear, but the conversation I was having was separate from 3 days ago. This one was work related & I am entitled to have a voice & make things work in a matter that is convenient for ME.. not just him. I was not trying to clarify my mistake... in anyway to him. I posted it on here to express how bad I felt. AS for the delay, there are reasons and timing that are an issue. His current RE deal affects my deal, so best not to rock the boat... just yet. I need to see the outcome of his RE deal too... it could change our financial situation & make our current mediated agreement change/alter... drastically. I guess ultimately, I need him to purchase this location... it makes the most sense (business & personally). As mentioned, I truly do not have to worry about him squeezing me out of the business. He has a conscience & must face his family and our daughter. I do not feel he would risk that. I have never seen him to not do the "right thing"... even if it tilts/leans in his favour, it will still be the right thing. And FAR better to have THAT deal than one that I would have to FIGHT with a lawyer/court. I have learned (from my previous divorce) that sometimes you get further with honey than vinegar. I am taking the sweeter approach.... for my sanity! Yes, he is a selfish jerk...right now. He is self centred. I agree. I disagree when you say he cares NOTHING for me. I see his "care" often. Wanting to make sure DD & my parents are ok. Investing time trying to help me with figuring out stuff for them/me (car/s, roof, medical care, housing). He is NOTHING like my XH, who is like MANY of the SO's on this site..... so where am I giving him my power? I feel I am doing well with dropping the rope? I have not picked it back up. I am distancing myself still. I have not been doing anything to GET HIM to see... I am doing it for me (like an addiction... recognizing the pull & saying NO)
M:46 H:49 T:20yrs myD:22 H distant summer/12 H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12 BD: Dec 2/12 asked me begin to move end of Jan/13 moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff) "agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
Matt: Recognizing that I will have withdrawal symptoms.
Advina: I am hard on myself. I didn't want any mistakes... NONE. You make a good point. I need to recognize my faults & then learn from it & possibly post what I would do next time. If I were to have that convo again.. I would listen & then say what I did end up saying: "you have a lot to figure out... go figure it out". Or even better, "this is not the time or place to have R talk". I would also like to be able to say "under these circumstances, you aren't good enough for me".
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Today: We are working together, and ended back at his place for what I thought was to pick up a vehicle. While there, he wanted me to go see stuff in his garage that was being worked on. I also went in to see/visit his mom for awhile. I made her coffee. I then decided to do her dishes & he helped. Her sink overlooks the pool and I commented that the pool looked nice. He said "its nice but not a seadoo ride". He then offered for me to come swimming anytime.... I did not reply.
We are back at the office... he is coming & going as he pleases. I am sitting here, waiting for next client appointment.
M:46 H:49 T:20yrs myD:22 H distant summer/12 H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12 BD: Dec 2/12 asked me begin to move end of Jan/13 moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff) "agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
