1 step forward, 1000 steps back

[mdu]

Thanks Starsky, really appreciate all the support from everyone!

[mdu]

Had an amazing afternoon with H. Played hooky together and met at the house. First, made long sweet love. It wasn't our first time since the separation but it was probably the best. Then had some lunch and went for a walk on some trails near our house. Chatted and chatted. Finished our time together off with an ice cream. Although I had my moments when OW flashed in my mind, I kept my emotions 100% in check and just completely enjoyed the time. Things I am trying to do to make sure things go well when we spend time together (and that are working!):

-make the time fun and light, no heavy discussions!
-really pay attention when H talks, I try to remember details so I can ask questions later
-make sure I look and smell good from head to toe. Wear flirty things
-let H do some leading (although this one truly is tough, he really does not seem to like to decide, I'm really trying to stand back!)
-laugh and smile a lot, be flirty
-keep my emotions and expectations in check. There were moments when I wished H would tell me he loved me, when he didn't I just brushed it off and told myself it will happen when the time is right.

Tomorrow we have the concert with his older son and fiancé. Apparently they don't even know yet that I'm coming too but I didn't say anything when H mentioned that. I assume they won't have any issue with it, even though I really haven't seen them much through the separation.

And tonight I am going on the full moon canoe tour I signed up for a few weeks ago. Going by myself and looking forward to it, weather looks like it will be fantastic tonight.

[mdu]

Canoe trip was really nice. Started out a bit awkward because I was the only one alone but they ended up putting me in a canoe with a state guide so ultimately it worked out fantastic because it was like I was on my own private tour! And, I didn't even have to paddle at all. Just kicked back and enjoyed the ride.

I am realizing how very much I love to do things on my own. I love spending time with friends too, of course, but it's so empowering to know I can go plan something all by myself and have a fantastic time. Not only do I not really need H but I really don't particularly NEED anyone! When I think back, I've always enjoyed alone time, I guess with kids and all it's just been such a long time since I've had to occupy this much time by myself. I definitely feel like I'm rediscovering things about myself I'd lost along the way.

Thinking about getting up early tomorrow and finding someplace really awesome to go for a run. Then some shopping, then the concert trip with H. Feeling really good!

[mdu]

Last night was concert with H and his son and fiancé. Concert itself was a blast but there were a few moments when I paused and felt kind of confused about my feelings for H.

First, I realized how many times he has gone to see this band and never invited me. It really made me feel badly and made me feel a bit frustrated that H seems to point the finger at me quite a bit that we are 'disconnected' yet really, he hasn't made much effort himself in years. He has said that was because sometimes we would go out and argue so he stopped wanting to plan dates. And while that did happen it was really quite rare. I don't know, for some reason it seems a little unfair/lame excuse.

Second, H and his older son drank quite a lot at the concert. H wasn't sloppy drunk or anything but somehow it took me a bit by surprise and I didn't especially like it. He does drink on occasion and I've never had a huge issue with it. Now for some reason I'm wondering if he actually drinks more than I realize. I'm not really sure what to make of my feelings. Obviously, H is a grown adult and can drink if he wants. Maybe it's that controlling side of me that's getting set off? I mean obviously he made a horrible, stupid choice by having an A and alcohol in general encourages stupid choices (and the first night they hooked up they were drinking). I also have this fear that H has had a lot of secrets from me over the last few years. Like I said, I really don't know what to make of these feelings, maybe it's all just my fear running wild.

I was able to put these things aside and have a really good time. I realized I did not need to sort it all out right then and there and obviously any kind of 'talk' with H at that moment would be disasterous! So, here I am trying to think it through now.

Finally, H and I made love when we got back to the house. I actually was not that into it initially, which worried me a bit. I was able to get into it but not nearly as much as other times we've done it recently. I don't know if it was the things above that were on my mind or if it was simply exhaustion (we got home at 4am), or both. I worried a bit because very infrequent sex was a big issue for us, primarily driven by my low interest. I hope this was just a little dip as opposed to a downward spiral. I'm sure I'm worrying too much but unfortunately that's one of my many flaws!

[mdu]

Just thinking some more about my feelings/concerns regarding H last night, particularly around the drinking. And realizing how judgemental and critical I can be of him. Fact is, he didn't do anything wrong and was just having a blast. Also, it's not like I don't enjoy a few drinks on occasion --- and actually have over done it a few times. Why am I criticizing him? I think whenever I feel like judging something he's doing it's a signal that I need to step back and take a good hard look at myself. I think I need to just accept him for who he is, I'm sure he has often felt I don't. I think I need to think about whether I CAN accept him as is and if I can't then instead of trying to control/change him then move on! I don't really want to move on but I do think I need to change my perspective on aspects of H that sometimes bug me.

[Wonka]

MDU,

Sounds like you had a good time at the canoe ride and at the concert with H.

A few things to bring up here for discussion.

First, I realized how many times he has gone to see this band and never invited me. It really made me feel badly and made me feel a bit frustrated that H seems to point the finger at me quite a bit that we are 'disconnected' yet really, he hasn't made much effort himself in years. He has said that was because sometimes we would go out and argue so he stopped wanting to plan dates. And while that did happen it was really quite rare.

I am not sure about being a rare occurrence since it has been posted here that you blow up at H. It is an issue and you really, really need to be mindful of HOW your thoughts influence your actions/words.

Second, H and his older son drank quite a lot at the concert. H wasn't sloppy drunk or anything but somehow it took me a bit by surprise and I didn't especially like it. He does drink on occasion and I've never had a huge issue with it. Now for some reason I'm wondering if he actually drinks more than I realize. I'm not really sure what to make of my feelings. Obviously, H is a grown adult and can drink if he wants. Maybe it's that controlling side of me that's getting set off?

Not so much controlling as being overly judgmental for something that is a way for H to bond and have fun at an event with his W and son and DIL. Where do those thoughts come from? Was it a learned behavior? Something to do with your FOO issues?

Sometimes our FOO issues spill over in the marital R.

Finally, H and I made love when we got back to the house. I actually was not that into it initially, which worried me a bit. I was able to get into it but not nearly as much as other times we've done it recently. I don't know if it was the things above that were on my mind or if it was simply exhaustion (we got home at 4am), or both. I worried a bit because very infrequent sex was a big issue for us, primarily driven by my low interest. I hope this was just a little dip as opposed to a downward spiral.

There will be times when sex isn't what we all expect. We all have had those moments. Nothing to worry about unless it is an ongoing problem which I don't think it appears to be in your case here.

Just thinking some more about my feelings/concerns regarding H last night, particularly around the drinking. And realizing how judgemental and critical I can be of him.

Can you imagine how that must have made H feel? Very inadequate around you. What can you do to change those thoughts? How can you influence your interactions with H that are much more relaxing and positive-oriented?

I think I need to think about whether I CAN accept him as is and if I can't then instead of trying to control/change him then move on! I don't really want to move on but I do think I need to change my perspective on aspects of H that sometimes bug me.

What are you really looking for? The perfect partner without any inherent flaws? Then go and date Santa Claus!!

Our spouses will ALWAYS have their own quirks and idiosyncrasies. It is up to us to learn to accept them and not resist them for it is futile to do so. By accepting them, then it will all wash over you and even laugh at them at times.

[mdu]

Had a noteworthy morning.

Woke up feeling really insecure and unsure about things with H. Just feeling down in general and unsure about my feelings towards him. Made myself get up and go for a run and that helped some but not much. Decided that I should work on getting back in shape (I’ve gained back much of the weight I lost on the LBS weight loss plan) and the thought of having a personal goal made me feel a bit better. Journaled a bit, which also helped some. Then drove into work and happened to meet up with H in the parking lot. He was going to drop off a few of the kids things in my car and we just happened to arrive at the exact same time. We ended up chatting a bit.

I’m not sure what it was but despite my initial negative mood this morning I was able to just be really light, casual and chatty with him. Maybe the few things I did to try to alter my mood helped just enough to get me mentally in the right space. I complained a bit about work (I think actually that maybe contributing to the decline in my mood, I think I do worse during the work week) and he was very receptive and a good listener. In the past when I’ve complained about something like work I’ve always felt like it didn’t go over too well but I think the difference this time is I wasn’t super cranky or attitude or taking my work problems OUT on him. Just chatting. It was really nice. He has a lot of big changes going on at his work as well, he promised to update me later. I got a lot of smiles from him. His smiles are really expressive and mean a lot to me. I felt very much we were in the ‘good relationship’ zone and both really enjoying our little interaction. I love when we have these times, even if very brief. I need to figure out exactly how to keep them going!

The other thing I need to figure out is how to deal with getting over the affair. I feel like the aftermath is constantly looming and dragging me down. In a lot of ways it feels like the pain and insecurity is getting worse rather than better. I feel like as a self protection I really minimized things in my mind initially, and now I’m realizing that this was WAY bigger than what I initially tried to convince myself. Just the fact that it is taking him so long to get over her is proof – he admitted the other day that while his feelings are declining he still thinks of her. I think the first step is getting through discussing the transparency plan. I am thinking of suggesting to H that I email the remainder to him and then we can set aside time to discuss. By emailing it might take away some of the risk of initial bad reactions (from either of us). I am learning that H really needs time to process things. His initial reactions aren’t always what I would ideally want but he tends to come around. This approach might mitigate that dynamic so he has a chance to digest and I won’t be tempted to start immediately reacting badly if he doesn’t wholeheartedly agree 100% to every item instantly.

Other than discussing the transparency plan I’m not sure what else we should be doing at this point regarding dealing with the affair? We had discussed some details previously (when/how it started, how long it lasted, how they carried it out --- txts, email, phone, meeting in hotels when he went to her office for work, once at her house). I know some folks really get into asking all sorts of details but I don’t seem to be one of them. I have asked some really pointed questions and inevitability it just hurts me terribly and haunts me so I stopped. But I worry/wonder if there’s more I *should* know? I really prefer to move forward but worried I am making a mistake. Thoughts?

[mdu]

Kind of a tough day yesterday. In general I just felt really down about things. Spoke to H last night and it was a good chat (lots about his work and changes happening there) but I must say, I didn’t feel a big spark between us. Maybe that’s ok, as that’s more the reality of a long term mature relationship. But I worry that is what he is looking for since that’s what he had with her. And at this point, I think it would be impossible for us to replicate. We had that time and it’s long over now. It comes in spurts on occasion but certainly not like the beginning. I hope that he is willing to ‘settle’ for the reality of a long term connection. And in my mind it’s not really settle at all but I fear in his mind it is. I wish I understood more of what he was thinking. I struggle with how much to probe, things are still so tenuous and probing him for what he’s still looking for/needing in order to come home feels like pressure. He is supposed to have an appointment with an IC but I’m not sure when. For now I’m trying to sit back and see if he shares anything about it. I’m sure if I don’t hear anything about it by next week I’ll start going bonkers but I’m going to try not to worry about that right now and just get through this week. I am going to speak to him later today about when exactly we can discuss the rest of the transparency plan. I think it will be good for me to get that off my chest and know that he has that info clearly and now it’s up to him. I’ll have done my part. Right now I feel good and strong about the transparency plan so let’s hope I can keep that feeling going.

Had a couple of sucky interactions about the A. Was at a friends last night and she basically started talking about it with me right in front of some lady I did not even know. I just kind of walked away. Folks are so into the ‘gossip’, they don’t seem to get this is my and my children’s LIVES, it’s not titillating entertainment! Then this morning I spoke to my sister a little about things and she got into the typical “I could NEVER do what you are doing, not after how involved he got with that woman, I could NEVER!” I just said “you really don’t know what you would do until you are in it, there’s a lot more to consider than just me or him, there’s the kids, his older kids, it’s not as black and white as people like to think.” Then she continued while adamantly shaking her head “Oh I KNOW I couldn’t” I just dropped it. I have to be choosier about who I speak to about things. It’s amazing how much your circle of support shrinks in this situation. Interestingly, rather than make me doubt my choice to stand by my M her attitude actually made me more adamant that I WILL work it out.

Although last night was kind of tough I was able to turn it around a bit by having some fun with the kids. S was in a weird mood and crying a lot so we did some meditation together (well, as much as a 7 year old can realistically do). It felt really good to be teaching him a healthy way to manage some of his moods. He’s quite moody like me! Then we downloaded The Hobbit and I started reading it out loud to the kids. I love to have a great book to read together with them. Tonight they are back with H and I’m going out with friends. Hopefully the time with friend will be fun. If they ask any question about H, and I know they are all VERY curious, I’m going to be vague and deflect. People just don’t really understand and I’m not interested in trying to get them to. It’s my life, only I know what’s best for it. I need to stop looking to others for approval.

[Wonka]

MDU,

I love Tolkien!!! Read all of his books. I have the DVD collection of the trilogy movies.

Here I am starting to notice a pattern. When you are anxious, you tend to want to push the transparency plan on H. Hmmmm...am I warm here? If yes, I'd suggest that you hold off on the plan for the time being.

As in DBing, I stress that context and timing are important aspects of piecing as well. Bug, Bond, Starsky, 25, and others who have successfully reconciled would probably agree with me here.

Right now, the pair of you are in a fragile state and I do not think foisting the transparency plan on H now would be a good idea. You have made great strides with H. You might not like the pace...however, you are in PIECING. Sure, it is slow going and it should be that way if there's anything to be learned from your previous mistake in taking back H too quickly.

This isn't The Notebook, but real life. It will ebb and flow. There will be times it can be downright mundane and other times will be passionate, fun, and exciting.

It's your anxieties and fear of the unknown that's tripping you up. Take a stock of positive baby steps that have been happening over the past 2 to 3 weeks. That was a BIG change from a month ago.

For now, I'd suggest to table the transparency plan for now.
Trust us here...we will be able to tell when it's time to pull it out.

[mdu]

"Here I am starting to notice a pattern. When you are anxious, you tend to want to push the transparency plan on H. Hmmmm...am I warm here? If yes, I'd suggest that you hold off on the plan for the time being."

Hmm...I can see where you'd think that but I'm not so sure this time. H has been asking about it for weeks now and I've sort of been avoiding sharing more of it because I am so afraid that he will not agree to it So I don't think this go around I'm pushing it due to anxiety. If anything, I've been avoiding it due to anxiety. We had agreed last week that we would discuss it further this week, I feel like if I don't address it then I'd be avoiding. And I know he is waiting for me to initiate further discussion because last week I specifically said to him that I needed a break from the heavy stuff. We had previously agreed that if anyone needs a break then it's their job to come back to initiate further discussion when they are ready.

My plan for the transparency plan is to email it to him and then agree to discuss it in a few days. That way we hopefully can mitigate any strong immediate reactions (on both sides).

What do you think with that added info?