Don't feel guilty about doing what you need to do to protect yourself.
The fact is, you can't trust him right now.
I'm the same way, I was always transparent, had nothing to hide. It was a matter of integrity with me.
I've had to learn to play it closer to the vest. It doesn't make you a bad person, just a wiser one.
As for "The Script", I was told that after a divorce, the fact that he'd lose almost half his income, the house, and we'd have to re-home the animals, that we would no longer be able to care for them... (All this FACT, per my lawyer), H yelled in my ear:
"This is all just YOUR DRAMA!!!!!!"
And the few times I tried to get him to follow his path through to the end to make sure he's thought it through, he didn't, for whatever reason.
Except there was no reason. He had a picture in his head and that didn't seem to include reality!
Be strong, Ssarah!
--GGG
Me 54 Him 63 M 23 T 29 0 Kids Funny Farm of Rescues 12/12 OW-- 5/13 ILYBINILWY: A denied 9/13 Proof OW: ENDED 2/14 Got D papers on my BD I kicked him out for my sanity 9/14 He wants to "talk"?
On this site? I believe many years ago that there were a couple of mlc parties that did reconcile. This site represents only a small portion of those dealing w/the crisis. As for real life, I've seen a few reconcile, remarry and have remained married and have celebrated many happy years together. Those that remarried have said that the second time around w/their spouse was far better than pre crisis.
It all depends upon the damage, whether both parties are willing to do the necessary hard work and yes, the MLCer has a lot of work to do before the lbs should reconsider taking them back. The MLCer may opt not to do the hard work and continue on his/her merry way and bounce around in life and regret what he/she has done...but again, too much work for them to even try. The lbs may have moved on completely and have met someone new and is in a new relationship or remarried and doesn't want to be "burned" by the mlcer again.
The future is unknown and no one knows what it holds for us that far away.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Oh my, Sarah. I hear myself a year ago in all your words! To me that was the thing that I just couldn't understand, how does someone just throw away so many years, hurt so many people and not even try? My W would say things like "I have tried" but couldn't answer just WHAT she tried doing! I felt all the things you are now and when she went from maybe just separating to "I have already filed because my dad talked me into it and is paying for it", in less than a week, they all came right back again.
My W says that she will be a better mother after a D because she will be 'happy". She has always said that for her, to be happy, she does what happy people do, while I was the type of person who was "old fashioned" and I think to be happy I have to do the things that will make me happy. When I asked her how many people does she know that left a 20 year marriage and were "happy" because they did? She couldn't answer that either!
They aren't thinking at all! They feel like this will work and it's what they want so they are determined to do it. The more logic you use to try and get them to see what they are doing is just wrong on so many levels, the harder they dig in their heels and keep moving forward! My w had gone through a horrible D when she was 10 years old. She saw all the pain and hurt it caused everyone and always swore she would NEVER do that to the people she loved. Now, she has found all sorts of crazy ways to justify her actions. This is also why they NEED to blame us, to find things about us that we did "wrong". It makes it easier to justify their bad choices.
Believe me, I know it's hard but you must get past these feelings. I still sometimes feel them but I try to just remember that they aren't in their right mind. They aren't thinking clearly (hence the MLC "fog") so they just don't see the truth. The anger and pain do hold us back. I have been dealing with new found anger lately as well. Every time I deal with my W now it seems like she says or does something new and I fight with the anger. All this is why MLC D is so much harder and so different than "normal" D. They truly can't think normally (as evidenced by so many doing the very things they have said all their life they would NEVER do!) they can't see how they are hurting other's as all they can think about is them!
We all hate MLC, that is for certain! It's learning how to keep ourselves sane as we are put through the ringer by the MLCer that will decide if we make it through or allow ourselves to be swallowed up by the hurt, pain and anger. You will get through this. Know that you are in charge of your future even while the WAS is making decisions that affect us so much. Taking back the control by not allowing them to get to us is a big step!
GoatGal, you're right and I have to play it cool. I find it super difficult to turn myself off and just be so secretive and distant but I need to learn to be that way. Thank you.
Me: 35, H: 36, M: 6, S: 1, D: 3, BD: 4/21/14 H still living at home
Job, knowing my H pre crisis and now during he has always been very prideful and stubborn.. so for me to see him not only snap out of this but also admit he's wrong is highly unlikely. The trend I've noticed with those that woke up from the MLC is that they were spiritual and that's another thing H is not. I know this is not something I should be focusing on right now as I should only be focusing on my kids and myself but it's hard not to wonder.
Me: 35, H: 36, M: 6, S: 1, D: 3, BD: 4/21/14 H still living at home
I can relate. My H is also very stubborn and not spiritual at all. He also wanted to start “fresh” - his words. Except he has not been able to do it so far. He is still looking for a “perfect” partner to make him happy. It’s been two years since BD. I’m also wondering if he can ever come out on the other side.
M:50 H:52 S28 (my S from previous marriage) M:17 + 3 BD: 06/12 S: 06/12 - H works in another state
Matt165 thanks for your post. Like your W my H has also done everything he said he wouldn't. He has become a person completely opposite of what he once was. He was always proud of the husband and partner he once was and now he's the polar opposite.
I definitely don't let the pain and anger drive and consume me it just comes on in moments of weakness as it has now. This has been a rough few weeks with my new reality of divorce. I just can't believe that in a matter of less than 3 months I went from vacationing with my husband to him hiring an attorney and seeking a D. I just can't believe how quickly ones life can be turned upside down.
Me: 35, H: 36, M: 6, S: 1, D: 3, BD: 4/21/14 H still living at home
BrightFuture, that's the problem. They will never find the clean slate or perfect partner they are looking for because the issues are all within themselves. And for those like your and my Hs, they may stay like this for good. It's such a scary thought that my H will be this miserable angry negative paranoid person for life when he's only 36. I pray for him that he does not waste his life but that he faces his demons and finds real happiness within himself again.
Me: 35, H: 36, M: 6, S: 1, D: 3, BD: 4/21/14 H still living at home
So an update on my sitch, I hired an attorney today. She will be introducing herself to his L tomorrow morning. Let's see the reaction I get from H when that happens.
He's been extra distant, cold and snappy this week. His birthday is this weekend and we usually have a BBQ for his and his brothers bday at our house. Since most don't know about the D, his brother and my sister in law asked about the BBQ so I mentioned it to him today and he said he did not want to celebrate with everyone. He already has plans to watch the fifa playoffs somewhere and then go out after. He mentioned that maybe we could celebrate with just the kids on Monday but not with everyone. I really wish I never brought it up.
So I wanted to seek some advice. As I've mentioned in other posts my H stalks my phone. He sits on my phone bill and checks who I'm talking to / texting with all the time. I've mentioned to release my number so I can transfer it to my own account and he has yet to do it. Should I bring it up again? My thing is that I have nothing to hide. He's so ultra paranoid, insecure and jealous that if I keep pushing it he may think there is something to hide and will start lashing out more. Do I raise it again anyway? I just hate that he can monitor me.
Me: 35, H: 36, M: 6, S: 1, D: 3, BD: 4/21/14 H still living at home
I would call the phone company and release it myself. You should be on the account too as an authorized user. No way he should be allowed to monitor you. That's just my opinion though. If you don't want to release it then get yourself on your on plan, you can get phones at walmart with no contract nowadays. Protect yourself, start separating accounts where you can, MLC'ers are known to spend money like crazy too.
Me - 42 exH - 56 Married 10.5 years Together 17 bomb dropped 1/6/14 signed papers 2/4/14 H moved out 2/22/14 D final 4/4/14 Dropped the rope 5/17/14 2 cats, 2 dogs
