Wifes severe depression, MLC, and suicide attempt

[Lifes Twists]

Thanks Lois and job. I am going to take it as a small miracle and hope a resolution on the health will happen soon.

Now back to the other battle. My wifes attorney finally responded to the parenting plan my attorney and I came up with since he was too busy. Of course he and my wife rejected the three provisions to cover the DCF recommendations. DCF wants me to seek full custody and I had suggested primary custody. she rejected this. DCF wants me to remove the kids from her home if there is evidence of alcohol or drug during their visits. They rejected this. The third was that I have primary decision making after attempting to contact her. she rejected this as well. Asking us to remove those clauses without a counter proposal is just being a lazy lawyer. I directed my attorney to push it back on them to come up with counter proposals rather than us spending time in a phone conversation. Let her family spend some money rather than me.

It should not surprise me given the state of mind of someone having a MLC, but you would think after a suicide attempt that someone would talk some sense into her.

[Lifes Twists]

So today I am taking my youngest two camping in the white mountains. It is the first vacation since BD over a year ago. Surprisingly I am find it hard this morning to get motivated and get going. In the past it would have been my wife and I up early getting packed and ready to go. I would have also known there would be a partner along to share in the fun times and special moments. Even though my girls will be along, I feel a bit lonely also. I am going to keep pushing forward though and being the best dad I can be. I need some break from things to recharge even a little bit.

When I come back I am probably facing a fight to gain primary residence of my girls. My wife has indicated through her attorney that she does not agree with me having primary residence. I know that DCF recommendations plus what my wife attempted will give me the better chances in court. I hate putting my wife through this and wish she would get her brain back in gear and see what she has done and accept the changes to living arrangements it means for our girls.

[Matt165]

Hi Life,
My W is fighting hard to have primary residence and at least 50/50 custody with my D14. Even though she works late every night, goes away often on short notice and generally not caring to do anything with D for last few years. I think it has to do with the fact that it is a stigma when a woman doesn't get primary custody in D. Think about it, when you meet a woman who is D and they say the kids live with their dad, you automatically think "Umm..why don't they live with the mother. She must have been really bad...". Right or wrong, people seem to think that way. So, for a W, they really want to avoid not getting primary!

Just a thought.

[Lifes Twists]

Hi Matt,
I think that is part of it. i also think she is not accepting of what she did and may have buried it all away in her brain. I think her issues are like most people with dependencies. I think until she admits her issues and works on them she won't get better.

Boy, there is nothing like seeing a friend slowly dieing to bring home how precious life is and how you should live it to the fullest everyday. I met up with a friend I had not seen since last fall yesterday. When I saw him last fall I thought something was wrong. He seemed really thin. Well yesterday I was shocked at how wasted away he was. He told me things were not good. That his heart was bad and there was nothing they could do for him. I could tell he was very troubled about what the future held for him and his family and all the other families that relied on him for their livelihood.

Looking around at the place my friend and his family had built up through the years made me realize how much he had lived life to its fullest. How many people he had impacted and how many fun memories many people had because of his efforts.I realized that I have to start living life again and not continue to trudge through it like so many people do.

[Lifes Twists]

Boy, this single parenting can be tough at times. My middle daughter had planned on going to beach on Friday, so I arranged things around that. Apparently the plans changed last night at midnight while they were hanging out. I had let my oldest use the other car for a couple days and only had the jeep with the beach pass on it. Daughter woke me up early to say they were taking jeep and leaving me with no vehicle. When i said I needed it, she goes off how I let me older one get everything and she gets nothing. Of course pointing out how much she got to use the jeep when boyfriend was without a vehicle for about 2 months does not count.

Is it possible that both teenagers and MLCers are this deranged?
Feels like I am getting it from both sides and no place to go at times.

[Lifes Twists]

So I get email and invoice from attorney this afternoon. $1860 and a request to push on a parenting agreement again. I told him I do not want to spend any more on this until wife and her attorney do something. I told him I am prepared to go into court in September with nothing if she and her attorney don't offer alternatives to our plan except to remove the sections that are most important. I told him that she initiated this divorce and she needs to push it or it can stagnate again as far as I am concerned. I am not going to carry weight of this divorce for her. I believe she is still in lala lad and will go into court figuring the divorce will be finalized. You would think after last year that she would have learned.

I can't believe how this stuff can get me wound up. I am taking some deep breaths and letting go again. It totally amazes me how an MLCer can be so out of touch with reality.

[Lifes Twists]

So this morning I sent a very short concise email to my lawyer as follow,"I have slept on this and my request is for you to send an email to wife's attorney and say that your client does not agree to the changes. Beyond that, I don't want any more time spent until wife is prepared to come to the table and work things out.

My reason is that I don't want to waste money nor carry the load of the divorce since she is the one who filed. The reason I am rejecting her changes i they just removed the clauses that protected the girls and myself if she has future issues. My plan at this point is to continue to not support the divorce but not block it either. I will continue to reject changes unless they are reasonable. I will also not allow her to phone this divorce in. She needs to come to the table and face what she has done to some level if she truly wants to pursue the divorce. I feel right now her family is trying to control the divorce from a distance. It is between her and me. I figure when her family gets tired of spending money then they will pull out. till then I will try and keep my lawyers time to a minimum and let hers spin their wheels. I am not sure this i proper DBing, but I feel is is the best course I have to disrupt the outside involvement.

[Matt165]

Hi LT,
I'm having the same problems with the D with my W. Last week after she and I disagreed about her taking some items from what is now my home, she said that we had to finish going through everything so she could take what she wanted. I told her that was backwards and that we needed to agree to everything and then she can come and get what we agree she should. She got really upset telling me that would mean making lists and sending them to the L's and if I wanted that I could pay her lawyer. I told her my L is payed for and she was the one who had to file! I know that her father is controlling everything about this D (she wasn't going to file until he "talked her into it" (her words). From the start of this D she seems to think it will; all be easy and she will get everything she wants and even the kids will be happy. She was in such a hurry at first and now she hasn't done anything but try and get me to let her have everything she wants. Like you I'm not going to do the work needed for this D and just let her sit back and do nothing. She hasn't sent her financials to my L, lied and said she has no retirement, all that her decree says is "Parties will agree to details later"!!!

I still don't believe in D as an answer. I haven't changed my mind, she did. If she wants this so badly she can do the work.

[Lifes Twists]

Agreed.

Last night I got some great validation that I am doing the right things. I was in the living room while my daughters and friends were playing XBox. I over heard my youngest say to a friend that she would be living here in this house for at least three more years. So, she is planning on living with me till she is graduated from high school. I felt great hearing that. It told me that I am doing the right things. It also told me that my daughters are rejecting the idea that I am a psychopath that wife and her family have been trying to convince them of.

[Lifes Twists]

Yesterday I had my second appointment with a new IC. I left my old one because she was not really helping me. This new IC is more solutions oriented. So far it is going well and he is starting to ask me challenging questions to cause me to think about things. He asked me if I could forgive her. I told him I felt I could in giving some allowance to her illness for her actions. I told him I did have a hard time forgiving her family for their actions. He told me that he did not believe in forgiveness in the classic christian definition. He said he feels that forgiveness is not an automatic thing. Forgiveness is something that has to be earned. I can see his point. I can relate it to the idea of us doing 180s and working to improve ourselves. On one hand it is to make ourselves better but on the other we are deep down hoping our changes will help our spouse to forgive us for what they perceive we did to them to cause all these problems. So, in a small way are we trying to earn their forgiveness?

In the earlier afternoon I spontaneously took off to the beach. We live about 1.5 hours away from the Rhode Island beaches. My oldest and youngest went with me. I was surprised and pleased that my oldest went. She is the one who was most influenced by her mother and the most distant from me. We had some good talks on the drive. I had a great time body surfing in the waves. The water was an excellent temperature.

I am thrilled that my oldest is opening up more to me finally. I get little hints that she and her sisters are seeing the odd behaviors of their mother. She mentioned that her mother is having comprehending things like planning when she needs to leave to get somewhere by a certain time. She said they went to a movie on Sunday. the first activity her mother has ever suggested without being prompted. Her mom set a departure time that was really early and could not seem to comprehend that they could leave a little later. So they went and ended up sitting in an empty theater for a long time before others arrived and the movie started. I told her that it was a positive step that her mom had suggested they do something together. I told her that it showed more healing on her moms part. I told her that the timing issue could be a symptom of the illness and would improve as she gets well. I was positive towards her mom throughout and did not ask any probing questions, just responded to what she had told me.

I may be wrong. I feel that as part of DBing I need to show minimum to almost no interest in what my wife is doing for my own sanity. I also feel that I need to show this around the kids as well. I don't want them telling their mom I am asking all kinds of questions.

Is it good if they are asked by their mom that they tell her I don't ask about her at all?