I'm not sure you understand fully what DBing is, but it's not all about just not contacting your W. I mean sooner or later you are going to have to talk to her. Initiating is also part of DB.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
I've reached my limit. A friend of W's stopped by last week and said she heard she was dating. W and I text a little with me telling her I couldn't continue to live in an open marriage. She again gave me the sob story of being depressed, hurting and sad. Told her I wanted to believe she that was true but it was hard to believe when she's dating someone else.
Text on Thurs before her and the kids were headed out of town for the weekend asking to meet this Tues to try to come to some agreements before meeting with the attorney. She didn't respond so I sent her another text earlier asking if she was still able to meet. Her response was 'fine'
So 1 of 2 things will happen- she will either finally realize she's losing me and put up a fight or she'll agree with proceeding towards D. At this point, I'm OK with either. I plan on being very businesslike on Tues. Wish me luck, more to come...
I've reached my limit. A friend of W's stopped by last week and said she heard she was dating. W and I text a little with me telling her I couldn't continue to live in an open marriage.
I don't understand. What is different now and when you discovered OM?
Quote:
She again gave me the sob story of being depressed, hurting and sad. Told her I wanted to believe she that was true but it was hard to believe when she's dating someone else.
Believe what? That she is depressed and sad? Look, has she actually said she was thinking of reconciling? B/c you are talking as if she has.
Saying things in the heat of the moment has been a problem for you since this all started. You are still trying to use emotional tactics to get a desired response. When it doesn't work, then you try to slide back out of it. By now, your words have become uneffective.
Why don't you just decide what you want and do it, without trying to put the emotional pressure on her? But whichever way you go, you need to keep your mouth closed.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Text on Thurs before her and the kids were headed out of town for the weekend asking to meet this Tues to try to come to some agreements before meeting with the attorney. She didn't respond so I sent her another text earlier asking if she was still able to meet. Her response was 'fine'
So 1 of 2 things will happen- she will either finally realize she's losing me and put up a fight or she'll agree with proceeding towards D. At this point, I'm OK with either. I plan on being very businesslike on Tues. Wish me luck, more to come...
I tried this approach in the beginning as well. I thought if I threatened her with divorce and even pushed the papers in front of her face it would make her wake up. Guess what? She filed on her own. Up until this point she was not even pushing for a D. This approach does not work and as sandi says, you have to be willing to accept the consequences of the threat unless your threats become idle.
I know it stinks knowing your W is with someone else. Lots of us here have to endure or have endured the same thing. But trust the vets here when they say there is NOTHING you can do to make them stop. No words or actions on your part will make them walk away. You cannot guilt them or reason with them. Its the fog they are in.
Keep your chin up and follow the advice of people like sandi and the others. It will give you the best shot at your M.
Me: 42 W: 32 Married 7 years together 8.5 S1: 7 S2:7 Bomb #1: 09-16-13 Recon #1: 11/13 A discovered 04-03-2014 W filed D 05-19-14 but never served me I filed D 12-02-2014 S 05-31-14 Divorced 5-19-16
I know it may sound like a 'threat' or that I'm making a heat of the moment decision, but to be honest, I've been thinking about this a lot more serious since W's trip with OM to his hometown (whether other friends went with them or not) a few weeks ago. I'm fully prepared for her to agree with D on Tues (and assume she reluctantly will). Should she tell me on Tues that she wants to R or even try dating each other, I'd have to rethink things before even considering agreeing.
I'm not sure what finally made me reach the decision, but W's friend's comment the other day that W was 'trading in a corvette (me) for a minvan (OM)' really gave me a boost in confidence. Not that I think that highly of myself or my looks, but I've changed and grown during these past 10 mos. I feel good about myself and things I'm doing in life. W is losing out on a great man and father who has come to realize what I did wrong in our M. I can't convince her to come back. And she doesn't see what she's missing because she's more concerned with being 'friends' with OM. Not that I'm even close to ready to date, but I'm ready to get out there and 'share' the new me with someone special. And right now, W is not that person.
Maybe I look at this post tomorrow and regret making the decision, but I've had a few opportunities to back down from my 'threat' over the past week, and didn't. I've felt comfortable in my 'threat' this time- more at peace and not immediately wishing I could take it back. We'll see what Tuesday brings- I'll be sure to post an update.
Believe what? That she is depressed and sad? Look, has she actually said she was thinking of reconciling? B/c you are talking as if she has.
I'm sure she's hurting and depressed, but she's told me that month after month and continues to tell me that she doesn't know what she wants to do. I've looked back at emails from her 6 mos ago that say the exact same thing. Meanwhile, she continues to date OM. She denies it, but I seriously think she's been delaying anything D related until financially she's in a better place. My decision now isn't to punish her or force her to struggle financially. I was willing to be patient these past several mos because I wasn't ready to move on without her. I held onto hope while working on myself. This decision is really more about me and my readiness to move on than it is about W and her actions.
I must say that the advice you have given Tarheel on his entire thread since he came on here has been nothing short of some of the BEST advice I have ever seen. Just fantastic.
Tarheel,
I think you should go back and read every single post on your threads since you started on here.
I think you should not only LISTEN to sandi2, but FOLLOW her advice. She has been spot on with you. I don't believe you have really listened to understand what she has told you. I would suggest going back and reading every post from the date you started. She knows what she is talking about. She has been giving your GREAT advice from the start. You don't seem to understand it.
It appears that you are waffling on your boundaries and it causing you some real difficulties. To learn more about setting proper boundaries, I'd suggest that you visit Dev's thread over in Infidelity some some pointers.
I think that you really do need to establish some strong boundaries that are not controlling nor threatening at all.
Thanks Wonka- yes, I've been following Dev's thread for quite some time now and have noticed several similarities in our WAWs.
Maybe I'm just impatient, but at some point we need to talk about our R. Do I still want to save my M (= start a new one)- of course. But I also think of alpha males like George Clooney, Brad Pitt, James Bond- would they remain M knowing their W was dating someone else? I don't know that my impatience is towards W not 'coming home' as much as it is me moving forward. I would feel guilty if I were to date or even flirt too much with another woman while I'm still legally married right now, so at some point I need to take the initiative. She's basically been dating for the past several mos (her morals) while I wait on things to play out before I'm able to take the same action (my morals). Does that make sense?
I did text W last night wishing her good luck at her new job today. She responded that she was 'soooo nervous' and questioning her decision. I validated and couldn't help feel that sense of friendship in her texts, but then noticed this morning that she called OM last night after we text. To be clear- I don't care, I know it's happening, but happened to notice that it was the 3rd phone call to him this month. No calls between them have shown on the cell records since Feb as they've been communicating by other means. Not to mind read, but found it odd- is she trying to show me something? Is she just comfortable with me knowing they're talking? Weird.
Would love to call W tonight to see how her first day went, maybe send a short text. My plan is to text her tomorrow with time/place to meet. I've prepared my topics we need to discuss moving towards D- kids, bills, etc, but contemplating how to start the interaction. Just jump right into it or maybe just start out non R talk and she if she brings it up- there I go again waffling on my boundaries, huh?!
