Unlearning conflict avoidance 13

[LuckyLuke]

Just had a productive talk with my sister. Here are her points/ideas:

o I am not abandoning my kid, who is nearly adult, by spending time in the States, where
o I work in an office, with people I like, and am not lonely during the day;
o yes, W has won by getting to spend so much time with d16 and getting this apartment in Stockholm, a fun town; life can be that way and this is just my lot.
o so, why not work in the US for two months, out of this memory and pain laden house?
o telling d16 that I am doing so because I am lonely here, but that it doesn't mean I don't love her, and that we can stay in touch by phone or Skype or whatever, and that she will always have my heart
o and that we should book our Japan trip together, before I leave.
o this fixes my loneliness during the day problem very nicely
o I'd tell my MIL that W and I are divorced, and see if she still lets me stay in her house (I could also pay) - MIL and her boyfriend seem to enjoy my company.
o that way W doesn't get to fob off the caretaking of the house onto me: here, dear husband, water, dust, feed the cats, cut the grass, and make sure it stays clean. Bye, I am taking our daughter to live and have a nice time with in Stockholm.

L

[LuckyLuke]

Perhaps this is a blessing in disguise - it frees me from having to have such close coupling with d16 - if she wants to move away, she is welcome to, but then I can do the same. This directly contradicts #1 a few posts ago, however.

Our house has a small separate living space on the lowest floor. Perhaps I could rent this from the new owners, or we could rent the whole house out, and generate income that way, still keeping the small digs downstairs.

Letting go is hard -

The house, the garden, the child, good to get rid of W though, all the sentimental stuff that comes with a place one has lived in 15 years. I was quite sad when my parents sold the two houses we lived in growing up.

And I am bitter that W has won, taking my beloved d16 with her, for three years!

Luke

[Meghan]

This might be really hard to do, especially right now, but it might be helpful to try to shift away from thinking that your W. has "won". This gives her an awful lot of power.

Instead, I'd suggest trying to see the "blessing in disguise" elements that you mentioned first. The situation is not ideal in a whole lot of ways, and I'm sure it feels utterly awful for you, but take some time to consider not only what might be good about this, but perhaps even how you can create some additional good out of it - this could leave you feeling more in control in the situation.

[LuckyLuke]

Hi Meghan and Ken,

Thanks for your post - that is a good way of looking at it. My sister says the same thing, in a way, that it is my W who is pushing this, and so I feel run over, and so need to be more proactive.

I just had a very good talk with d16 about this whole business. She said she would be coming home on the weekends from Stockholm, that we could do the Wednesday evening dinner thing, that she wants to get a really good grade in IB (required to get into her dream school), that I could spend longer in the States than usual and get to be with people that way, and that she and I could skype to stay in touch. I told her that I always looked forward to hearing her come home, to hear her poking around, that she is the most important girl in my life, and that my R with her is very important to me, etc. She then spontaneously proposed going to Japan over fall break, though saying she might have to study too.

So a plan seems to be emerging, sketchily:

o I go to States for say 2 months this time around (my boss will love that), and so get to be with people every day
o we skype during that time
o d16 and I travel to Japan over fall break, which happens to be the fall color season there (I am from New England and always miss not being there then)
o we have dinner, she and I, Wednesdays and that I will see her weekends

This seems a good short term solution; for later, who knows - as she said, we can't predict the future, so let's not worry about it.

Good kid -

Thanks for the advice Ken on this -

L

[LuckyLuke]

Hi Lou,

Here is the continuation of the response to your post:

Yes, selling this house is really tough - I hate the loss of continuity and memories - been taking lots of pictures of it - I wonder if I should stipulate that I will sell if I can rent the rooms in the basement (separate entrance) - we renovated the place from the dirt up - built in the 1880s - so much work -

I guess I am sentimental - my sister encouraged me to move back to the US, selling all my furniture here, but even that has memories attached (antiques, or from my childhood, not Ikea, or custom made stuff) -

Yes, the thought of my imperious W returning on the weekend to 'her' country spot, with me as the invisible caretaker, makes me sick.

Why should my W get so much of my daughter? What have I done wrong? Why is she with me so little? Do fancy trips or weekends together equal daily time spent with W in Stockholm? Where is the happy medium or at least an equitable solution here?

L

[LuckyLuke]

And one small 'positive' thing - wife complained today that I do not do enough housework, that what I did was sub-par, and that 'it won't be that way in the future'. The emotional discharge was good for her, and I validated, then cleaned/cooked for an hour. I suppose starting one's day by cleaning for a while is not a bad idea.

Still not thinking this will fix things, of course, but in its small way it was good.

L

[LuckyLuke]

Small positive from W - she came in and asked if I wanted to see a large panther slug out in the garden - so I went and it was neat.

Just invited d16 to a hike near here, rated as the best section of a well known trail. We'll see if she comes with - I am easy.

L

[LuckyLuke]

Thanks again, Meghan, for pointing out that the glass is also half full. On the bright side:

o I have a chance of finding a new, better, woman
o d16 and I can go on trips together and make memories (my son and I went to Spain last year, with the girls refusing to use their already paid, non-refundable tickets and come with us, and had a nice time; this Christmas he and I will go to Sicily)
o I have a chance to scale down (this house, though I love it very much, is expensive to keep up) and save for retirement
o I am freer to do what I'd like to, such as various bike tours, and not have to consider the family as much

It still knocks the stuffing out of me to think that d16 will be at home less, and that we may end up sharing her between us. On the other hand, perhaps her and my time together will be better that way, and certainly less constrained than with my controlling wife around.

I've also realized that I cannot work from home for weeks on end, and see no one. It isn't healthy and I get depressed. My boss has kindly agreed to let me be more at the office in the US, so I can get some short term relief. It remains to be seen how MIL will react - and whether she will let me stay with her - when I tell her that W and I are no longer married.

There is a valuable lesson in this - the reality of impermanence and all of its consequences. To live and love mindfully and to connect with others (I'd like to connect with refugees here in particular). To give my ambitious d16 space to live her life, and that I am responsible for mine.

Perhaps W and I will develop some sort of friendship with time - I hope so - I do still love her in spite of all the pain - but it no longer makes sense to stay in this non-functioning R.

Thanks for your wisdom -

L

[Meghan]

Luke - honestly, I wish this was wisdom I was better at taking myself. I admire your view of the situation, and it looks like you have a really good positive mindset. This is something that I certainly see the importance of, but I've really been struggling with it recently.

[LuckyLuke]

Hi Meghan,

Of course,the glass is half empty too, but there is an upside also. I'll see if I can add my one or two cents to your thread too - L