In my case, since he was her boss, I didn't have any choice but to let it go. She worked for a large organization and if she lost her job it would have been devastating to her reputation and future job prospects.
I let it go, continued to GAL while maintaining a civil friendship with her for the sake of the kids.
Things came to a head 3 years after the BD when her boss came to my working place and threatened to have me fired for some negative comments written about him online which I had nothing to do with. Evidently he messed around with other people at work and someone had found out that he had lied about his service record so he thought it was me. He went so far as to threaten my W's job and my family. Then he called me a coward for not confronting him at work about my W.
For some reason, an overwhelming feeling of calm came over me and I looked at him dead in the eye and told him that he meant nothing to me. That he wasn't worth my time W. But this time, a large crowd of my coworkers had gathered and I announced loudly to them that this was the guy who fooled around with my W which caused her to leave me. I had nothing to hide and people hiding secrets hate being drawn out into the open.
Needless to say he was incredibly embarrassed and demanded that I go out to face him. I looked at him again and told him that he meant nothing to me and that if he still considered himself a godly man (he is a pastor too), that he should go home to his wife and pray that his soul isn't thrown into hell for adultery.
Now normally I wouldn't have told anyone about my M problems as they were my problems. But he pretty much threw that out the window. After that, I called my W and asked her if her boss had returned to the office and she said he had. I asked her how he was acting and she said he was ignoring her. By then, the initial attraction was gone and they kept things strictly business.
Moral of the story is that there are some things you can control and some you can't. There comes a point where you will have to trust your spouse to a certain degree. Even if it comes to working with an AP. I have seen many people who have had affairs with one another and ended it, yet are still able to maintain a business relationship. Same goes for people who work together and previously had a relationship together.
The way society is nowadays, it's hard to avoid.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
So H and I ended up talking again about the NC/work sitch. It started out tense but he ended up suggesting ‘I can tell her to not ever call me directly and have her contact someone on my staff’. I was like ‘you would do that?’ He’s like ‘yes, I don’t want to have to quit my job but I can tell her to never contact me directly again and if she ever does I will let you know immediately’. I said ‘Ok, that helps a lot but how I can verify this?’ He said he can see if he can get work phone records. He said there wasn’t much he could do if someone invites her to a meeting he is attending. I tend to agree, but am less concerned about this type of situation since she is long distance and it would be a conference call with others on the phone. He wouldn’t actually see or directly interact with her.
We decided to keep it relatively short since these convos are so tough and agreed to discuss the rest of the transparency plan sometime late next week. I said ‘when are we going to do something fun again?’ He mentioned the concert on Saturday and asked if I still wanted to go, I said yes. He said he was a little anxious because he did not want ‘something to happen’. It’s clear that he is watching my emotional reactions VERY closely. I think I’m realizing that it’s not JUST my anger that bothers him but being overly emotional reactive in general. I explained to him that something I am working on (which I’m sure is not at all apparent here since I let it all hang out when I post!) is setting some of my strong emotions aside, especially about the affair, and just having fun with him. I said I did not want it to rule and taint all our time together and a really important part of our healing is just having fun because we had really lost that pre-A. I said I felt confident I could table it for the concert. I think he’s skeptical but I’m determined to prove him wrong!!!
Need to do some more shopping! Oh, and Wonka, I think it was you who suggested perfume. I am actually NOT a perfume wearer but brought some body spray and H has commented MULTIPLE times how good I smell. Any other suggestions, especially for the concert, please share!
MrBond, you will be very pleased to hear that I got a referral for an IC and will be calling for an appointment tomorrow. Realizing that I need to learn to manage my emotional reactions in general made me finally tip over to yeah, I need some face-to-face professional guidance on this one. H is actually going to see an IC too, he wants to understand better why he chose to have an A and work on speaking up when he’s unhappy about something. That’s been a big issue in our R as well as in other aspects of his life.
So I think we are getting back on track again. We may even meet up tomorrow afternoon in addition to Saturday, a little walk on the beach or something.
M: 42 H: 43 M: 8 years S7 and D4 H has D19 and S25 from previous M Bomb: 3/6/14 OW discovered, EA & PA 1st separation, 10 days, decided to reconcile & moved back in. Fail 2nd separation: 5/1/14
M: 42 H: 43 M: 8 years S7 and D4 H has D19 and S25 from previous M Bomb: 3/6/14 OW discovered, EA & PA 1st separation, 10 days, decided to reconcile & moved back in. Fail 2nd separation: 5/1/14
In my case, my H is the ExOW's boss, she still works there.
They see each other regularly, and since many of their hookups took place in empty rooms/storage closets in the company buildings during regular work hours (I know, classy, right? Real romantic.), it's kind of hard to "trust" that nothing is going on now.
As for the "no contact" that we "agreed" upon initially, it had to be explained to H that "no contact" didn't just mean "no sexual contact". (Seriously). They were going to ride to a meeting an hour away together two days later, and he says to me, "Well, it's not like we'll be alone in the car, Miss J. is driving..." !!! So they'll be sitting in the back seat together, what--not looking at each other all goo-goo eyed?
Come on.
But he complied, no more calls/texts... I caught him with another phone that he'd stopped using and for some reason started again, hidden in his truck. It might have been legit, but there was one email to her saying" "WORK QUESTION! (Heading) Call me tomorrow..something Miss J said."
I got really pissed, said, why can't she just answer the email with an email? Why does she need to CALL YOU?
Later that night when I was yelling at him over the phone about clearly breaking the no contact rule, he said "F-U!!!!!!!" (Of course this was pre-DBing days.)
Over the last ten months I saw ONE call to her re: a closing due to weather. It was a one minute call.
But it showed me that he had NOT deleted or blocked her number as he's said. True, I didn't see any other calls or texts, but even that upset me.
I think he mostly stood by the NC rule, but he wasn't about to let me tell him what to do.
The funny part is, when i looked at the call logs, it sure as heck looked like they'd already stopped calling/texting each other before I found out.
Later I found out H had exposed her to a blood-borne illness...he knew and didn't bother to tell her so she could protect herself. Nice guy. That's REAL LOVE right there. From what he said, I think she dumped him over that. So she's not totally clueless.
But I don't think there is anything happening, at least at the moment.
H says "We're separated, so it doesn't matter anymore." Yeah, right. You filed, so it just washes away all my pain.
Well, it mattered to me VERY MUCH when I first found out.
I bothers me less now, but every now and again I get that *twinge*.
Supposedly she's been "looking' for another position, but clearly, not very hard. It's been almost a year....
She's back with her H... I know it's not DBing but I find out it's still going on I'd have half a mind to out the whole thing to her H and be done with it.
At that point, I'd have given up on my marriage anyway.
Ugh.
Sorry.
I had a "moment".
Anyhow, this is just food for thought.
----GGG
Me 54 Him 63 M 23 T 29 0 Kids Funny Farm of Rescues 12/12 OW-- 5/13 ILYBINILWY: A denied 9/13 Proof OW: ENDED 2/14 Got D papers on my BD I kicked him out for my sanity 9/14 He wants to "talk"?
I was like ‘you would do that?’ He’s like ‘yes, I don’t want to have to quit my job but I can tell her to never contact me directly again and if she ever does I will let you know immediately’.
I am so happy you came here to discuss this before sending that letter!
I could hug your neck. LOVED your latest post. YES!!!! You are BOTH doing what's yours to do in that post. Most promising one I've read yet.
Your H is LEADING the discussion/suggestions of how HE will put OW out of the picture, where she belongs. He came up with a solution all on his own! And you are LETTING HIM LEAD. Doesn't that feel awesome?!? Liberating?!? Better than if YOU had suggested a solution??! I'm feeling light-hearted FOR you!
I'm also so glad to read that you have identified what's "littering" your side of the street and are making plans to deal with that. Good on you.
(And Bond, for the record, wow! That took balls! My hat's off to you!)
Well done, mdu. And a pat on the back (from me) is reserved for your hubs, too.
Feelin' happy for y'all. Relax. Breathe. And - most importantly - enjoy the concert!
M: 40 H: 44 Married 14 years S11 & D6; D20 & D19 from previous M 2BDs/PAs, 8 years apart Piecing: April 2014
Oh and for the concert: same advice as the beach ...
Pretty new sundress/outfit, wedges and - important!! - cute jewelry! And maybe - to switch it up *just a little* - a different (but similar) fragrance this time ... since H seems to take notice.
Be the good ol' mdu: flirty, fun and beautiful! You already have it. Just flaunt it! As Wonka told me once: be the OW to the XOW.
Indulge a little. And enjoy yourself!
M: 40 H: 44 Married 14 years S11 & D6; D20 & D19 from previous M 2BDs/PAs, 8 years apart Piecing: April 2014
Thanks zew & train. Definitely feeling good that I seem to be making some progress in terms of applying the brakes a bit, as you said zew, coming here and posting the letter before sending. Now I'm surprised that DBing coach supported sending the letter. Maybe because I was pretty admanant in the moment. I guess it goes to show that no one source has the 'right' answer.
And no worries GoatGal, vent away any time. We all need to sometimes!
One very important thing I need to remember, which I noticed in some of the DBing notes, is to never discuss an issue with H when I'm upset. Not just angry, but upset at all. Too high risk of me turning it into anger and doing damage. She suggested doing a 48 hour hold before I speak to him. That seemed long to me but now I think it's about right.
M: 42 H: 43 M: 8 years S7 and D4 H has D19 and S25 from previous M Bomb: 3/6/14 OW discovered, EA & PA 1st separation, 10 days, decided to reconcile & moved back in. Fail 2nd separation: 5/1/14
Things came to a head 3 years after the BD when her boss came to my working place and threatened to have me fired for some negative comments written about him online which I had nothing to do with. Evidently he messed around with other people at work and someone had found out that he had lied about his service record so he thought it was me. He went so far as to threaten my W's job and my family. Then he called me a coward for not confronting him at work about my W.
For some reason, an overwhelming feeling of calm came over me and I looked at him dead in the eye and told him that he meant nothing to me. That he wasn't worth my time W. But this time, a large crowd of my coworkers had gathered and I announced loudly to them that this was the guy who fooled around with my W which caused her to leave me. I had nothing to hide and people hiding secrets hate being drawn out into the open.
Needless to say he was incredibly embarrassed and demanded that I go out to face him. I looked at him again and told him that he meant nothing to me and that if he still considered himself a godly man (he is a pastor too), that he should go home to his wife and pray that his soul isn't thrown into hell for adultery.
Now normally I wouldn't have told anyone about my M problems as they were my problems. But he pretty much threw that out the window. After that, I called my W and asked her if her boss had returned to the office and she said he had. I asked her how he was acting and she said he was ignoring her. By then, the initial attraction was gone and they kept things strictly business.
So H and I ended up talking again about the NC/work sitch. It started out tense but he ended up suggesting ‘I can tell her to not ever call me directly and have her contact someone on my staff’. I was like ‘you would do that?’ He’s like ‘yes, I don’t want to have to quit my job but I can tell her to never contact me directly again and if she ever does I will let you know immediately’. I said ‘Ok, that helps a lot but how I can verify this?’ He said he can see if he can get work phone records. He said there wasn’t much he could do if someone invites her to a meeting he is attending. I tend to agree, but am less concerned about this type of situation since she is long distance and it would be a conference call with others on the phone. He wouldn’t actually see or directly interact with her.
We decided to keep it relatively short since these convos are so tough and agreed to discuss the rest of the transparency plan sometime late next week. I said ‘when are we going to do something fun again?’ He mentioned the concert on Saturday and asked if I still wanted to go, I said yes. He said he was a little anxious because he did not want ‘something to happen’. It’s clear that he is watching my emotional reactions VERY closely. I think I’m realizing that it’s not JUST my anger that bothers him but being overly emotional reactive in general. I explained to him that something I am working on (which I’m sure is not at all apparent here since I let it all hang out when I post!) is setting some of my strong emotions aside, especially about the affair, and just having fun with him. I said I did not want it to rule and taint all our time together and a really important part of our healing is just having fun because we had really lost that pre-A. I said I felt confident I could table it for the concert. I think he’s skeptical but I’m determined to prove him wrong!!!
Need to do some more shopping! Oh, and Wonka, I think it was you who suggested perfume. I am actually NOT a perfume wearer but brought some body spray and H has commented MULTIPLE times how good I smell. Any other suggestions, especially for the concert, please share!
MrBond, you will be very pleased to hear that I got a referral for an IC and will be calling for an appointment tomorrow. Realizing that I need to learn to manage my emotional reactions in general made me finally tip over to yeah, I need some face-to-face professional guidance on this one. H is actually going to see an IC too, he wants to understand better why he chose to have an A and work on speaking up when he’s unhappy about something. That’s been a big issue in our R as well as in other aspects of his life.
So I think we are getting back on track again. We may even meet up tomorrow afternoon in addition to Saturday, a little walk on the beach or something.
