I notice there isn't much going on in this forum, but I'm hoping that people will notice anyway and talk to me.
I'm going crazy! I hate it that we can go months without having any kind of physical contact and it doesn't seem to matter to him at all. He is just fine with porn & self-satisfying. The other night neither one of us could sleep, so at one point, where he must have assumed I was sleeping, he got up & went down to office. I know what he was doing, and it is killing me that he would chose that instead of slipping over to my side of the bed and 'snuggling' with me. I was so upset that I didn't sleep the rest of the night. The next night, he woke up at around 4 a.m., and again went down to his office and then came back to bed for another couple of hours. How am I suppose to compete with porn?
He fills my head with mixed messages, which confuse the hell out of me. About a month ago we were getting ready to go out and I was partially dressed, we hugged (the only one in a month), and he touched me saying something that left me with hope. Well, it's been a month since that moment...
I don't get it. What am I suppose to do? Why is he rejecting a physical relationship with me, instead choosing women on a screen? I'm stumped, depressed, and don't feel much like a woman of worth anymore. My self-esteem is in the trash, and I don't know how to retrieve it. I don't know how to get him to want me again.
Last edited by booklvr; 07/03/1403:24 PM.
M - 48, H - 50 M - 30, T - 33.5 D - 27, D - 26 S - 30
You can read my thread for an inside view of living with a porn-addicted husband.
That whole "coming to bed later" and "leaving bed early in the morning" is a big red flag.
Yeah. I'm sure my H had to "check his work email" at midnight and 4 AM. Prime business hours, those.
Hang in there,
---GG
Me 54 Him 63 M 23 T 29 0 Kids Funny Farm of Rescues 12/12 OW-- 5/13 ILYBINILWY: A denied 9/13 Proof OW: ENDED 2/14 Got D papers on my BD I kicked him out for my sanity 9/14 He wants to "talk"?
Dear booklvr, I feel for you, I really do. I'm the str8 husband in what I've recently discovered is a 'mixed orientation marriage'. So there's no sex, and like you, my self-esteem is in the dumps, I'm in despair and depressed. And for me, porn and masturbation is the only outlet...
Me: 65, Wife: 67 Married/Together: 34 years! No children Wife 'came out' as lesbian in May 2013
Goatgal - I want so badly to bust in on him when he goes to his office for a little private time. If anything, just to let him know he isn't as sneaky as he thinks he is. I know it would be a mistake, so I talk myself down. I did confront him about it 14 years ago when if first noticed the decline in our relations, and I searched our computer's history. He got very upset, offended (!) and wouldn't give in an inch. So, I decided to do everything in my power to get him interested in me. That worked...for a while. About 7 years ago, I was pretty fed up about the whole decline and decided I would wait for him to come to me. We went without for 5 years. When I decided to approach him about it again, we started being together again, but only if I initiate. He never comes to me. I will back off after, lest he insinuate I'm a nympho, until I just can't take it anymore and go to him again. That is where we are now, a silly game of cat & mouse.
I've brought it up, but when he senses a change in my tone he responds with a, "you sound angry," and will stop talking about it. He brushes his lack of desire off as being tired, or something lame like that. I'd like to talk to him about things and tell him that I can't do it anymore, that things have to change, I want to be paid attention to. But, I'm worried that it won't go well, and where would I talk to him about it. I think our bedroom, obviously, is a bad place. Out to dinner? He might not speak openly, thinking that others can hear us. I just don't know what to do, but it is coming to a head. I'm knocking on menopause's door, and for some stupid reason, my head is like a teenage boy's. I don't want the next 14 years to go to waste also.
Ugh...I can't believe I feel such despair that I've resorted to talking to complete strangers about something so personal. He would be so upset if he knew!
M - 48, H - 50 M - 30, T - 33.5 D - 27, D - 26 S - 30
My wife, rightly, says that marriage isn't just about sex. But if one partner is deeply unhappy and frustrated... Have you tried talking about therapy together? A professional third person can be a great help in at least clarifying the issues and the possible outcomes. We have a good marriage in every way but sexual, and I've come to the conclusion that there are some massive inner blockages in my wife that she simply doesn't know how to handle. She'd give me more if she knew how, because she does care. But she simply can't, and that sense of her helplessness gives me some compassion, and thus some patience (at least some of the time!). It's so easy to obsess with what you're not getting...
Me: 65, Wife: 67 Married/Together: 34 years! No children Wife 'came out' as lesbian in May 2013
Hi booklvr, Have you ever considered joining your H with the porn? Unless you are opposed to it on principle, it could be a great way for both of you have your needs met.
You're correct that getting upset about it won't help. But if he felt he could share it with you, instead of hiding it, you might be pleasantly surprised with his response to you. It could be a way to get what you need.
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
My situation is the perfect opposite. My wife has zero interest in sex. Porn is boring to me -- after 5 minutes, it's all the same, and there's no real person involved. But my wife prefers that I quietly use porn instead of bothering her for sex or any kind of intimate play. I love candlelight dinners in restaurants with fine wine, and I love talking. And she enjoys that too. But when we get home, she comes up with any excuse to avoid intimacy. I don't get it.
Just thought I'd throw it into this thread. How can women be sooooo different? How can I magically turn my wife into one of you women here who long for real intimacy? The irony is enough to drive a person insane.
The above post ^^^ by forever young, I know you're trying to help.
And under normal circumstances, "joining" him might be appropriate on occasion.
You can read my threads if you're interested in the down-side of this...
Maybe he's "hiding it" because he has a problem...?
I think bklvr knows exactly what I'm talking about. H had such rigid rules and timelines for things. I see now that porn was his preference and he was "saving himself" for IT!
I also decided I would stop initiating because I was tired of rejection. I said I was there, anytime, but that I was tired of how things were. No surprise, he never touched me ONCE in almost two years!
Also gone were any physical displays of affection which might "lead" to something if it wasn't his "right" time.
The fact that I was no longer being touched unless it was to lead to sex in his narrow little window, when he basically ignored me the rest of the time, well, I guess I got used to it.
Now I think I must have been sleepwalking to put up with that!
There comes a time in a porn-addiction/dependence evolution, where they just PREFER it to their wives, and ultimately, any "real" people at all. It happened to me.
If I had a dollar for every person that assumed my H got heavily into porn because I had a low sex drive, was uptight, unresponsive, a prude... I'd be a wealthy woman!
If anything, it was HIM who had all the hang-ups and issues, right from the start. Which is probably why porn was so attractive. It has no needs of its own.
He was the one who didn't meet my needs as I wanted and put the kibosh on anything that he wasn't comfortable with. And that included A LOT.
Just my two cents.
---GGG
Me 54 Him 63 M 23 T 29 0 Kids Funny Farm of Rescues 12/12 OW-- 5/13 ILYBINILWY: A denied 9/13 Proof OW: ENDED 2/14 Got D papers on my BD I kicked him out for my sanity 9/14 He wants to "talk"?
Thanks for posting another perspective GG. I understand where you are coming from, and it's a tough spot to be in because your H is not interested in meeting your needs, and doesn't need/want anything sexually from you.
But porn use does not always mean this has to be the case.
My W presently has no interest in sex with me. She does not use porn. Is that better or worse than a spouse who does use porn? Since I'm still left wanting, I'd say there's little difference.
Unlike ssm, porn does satisfy me. It's not my first choice, and certainly not an addiction, but...
I'd seriously be fine sexually on my own for the rest of my life.
^^^Really, we ALL should be able to say that.
Prior to crisis, my W had regular sex with me, but always had a lower drive. The times that she wasn't interested but I was, she happily "joined me" and lent a hand even when she wasn't personally in the mood herself... This is a sign of love and it worked for us for many years. I just wanted you to know there are other valid options out there.
Booklvr, what say you?
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
