Dealing with WAW Part 2

[GoatGal]

Pilot,

FWIW, my H has done something similar, more than once.

Hypocritical? You betcha!

Are you surprised?

Don't worry about it until you see the smoke coming out of W's ears...

"The opposite of love isn't hate. It's APATHY."

As long as they still get mad, there is something there.

---GGG

[pilot]

"The opposite of love isn't hate. It's APATHY."

As long as they still get mad, there is something there.

---GGG

Never really thought of it that way. I suppose there is always that

[Devaste]

Goatgal,

That's a great line. I love it. I'll keep reminding myself that every time I feel the chimney starting to explode

Dev

[pilot]

New wrinkle/problem developing. I said earlier I always thought the discussion of where the kids will end up in school this year would become an argument. About 2 weeks ago, it seemed that argument would never materialize as she seemed ok with the idea of coming to the area I am in.

We had a text discussion about schools and stuff for the kids. She is now saying she wants to stay up where she is now, and wants the kids to go to school there. Ok, so I know I only have 50% say so, and i do not get to dictate where the kids go. For that reason I validated her 'reasons' and did not shut the idea down completely. I said I would look into it. However, where she lives now is in the middle of nowhere in an economically depressed county. I would not have a clue what to do to make a living up there. She also said she was only thinking for a year. And that she has a job (from what I have hear it is a bartender/manager at a local restaurant) that will help her with future jobs. Keep in mind she also told me she got her course work in to take classes in a completely different career field yesterday.

The flip side where I live is that there is a lot of economic activity and opportunity. I can definitely recover financially much easier here. The schools (public) in this county rank amongst the best in the state as this county is the cash register for the state. The private schools are also top notch for the state and I have been looking at those this past week. While her family is not here, she does have many friends who live in this area as this is where we both lived together for 5 of our 7 years together.

While I see her point of having her family close as an advantage as well as lower cost of living, I had a couple of friends (girls) say she is reacting to what happened yesterday. I know this is all mind reading and speculation on their part, but they believe she is reacting to me possibly being with another person, and wants that to end. And to make that happen she wants me out of this area. Not far fetched as that was admittedly a reason I wanted to leave our old place and S...to get her away from OM.

So far I have been amicable to her suggestion and validated her reasonings. However, it is not high on my list of places to go. And neither one of us wants to live away from the kids. I have to be careful how I approach this as she has just as much right to pick where the kids live as I do. I plan on drafting my proposal for why they should live and go to school here, and back it up with as much factual information relating to how the kids will be better off short term as well as long term. Then she should realize she will have to do the same.

We will see....

[Thornton]

I would definately get a free consultation with a lawyer. Once the kids are involved, it can quickly escalate.

And yes, she is probably reacting to the girl you met for dinner. Are you sure that's something you want to keep doing?

Anytime a mother sees or hears about another woman around her kids, out come the claws. Even if they were the one to leave the relationship.

My exW just about went off the deep end when I started dating and introduced my daughter to my girlfriend. It was not pretty.

[pilot]

Continuing from the previous post, I wanted to say our texting about the schools was pleasant and upbeat. Yesterday she had been initiating texts all day, which ended abruptly when my 5 year old said we were going to meet a friend for dinner. This morning she sent me a text letting me know she got some documents I had sent UPS to her and she closed with a THANK YOU!!!!. I said you are welcome and she sent more texts afterwards which included winks and lols and different 'cute' emoticons. Even our text discussion about moving to her hometown included all of these things. The texting on her end came to an abrupt stop when I had replied I did not know where I would live up there, but I would search the internet for places for myself.

Now, it would be mind reading to speculate as there could have been a million reasons as to why she stopped at that point. But this is twice her texting has come to a sudden halt when the subject pointed to a life of me without her in it (a possible date and a home for myself). Two times could purely be coincidental. 3 or 4 times would make a pattern. However IF, and purely speculative for the sake of discussion, but IF it was a reaction for that very reason, how would that even be possible when she was the WAS?

I have to say I was much more comfortable while being NC and detached. Out of sight out of mind. These past few days has definitely thrown everything back into my mind.

[pilot]

Thanks Thorn for replying. I get the whole 'around the kids thing'. And I know from her perspective she does not know what is going on so she is probably speculating, and maybe even worse casing it. The girl I met for dinner is definitely someone I would consider a relationship with should my marriage end. But the motive for meeting her was so our kids could play. I try and arrange things so my kids have a chance to interact with other kids their age. My relationship with this person has been strictly plutonic so if I do end up R, I could have a clear conscience. She even made a remark about this, and how we only meet during day light hours.

So IF she is reacting, I should probably just lay off the school talk for a week or so and let any emotions on her end simmer down. Because I do not want to base the future of my kids education on an emotional response. No decision has to be made today, but one really needs to be made in the next couple of weeks, as one of us will have to be making a move.

[sandi2]

Hey Pilot. Sorry, I just saw you flag me down on another post. I have gotten a little behind the last few days. I scanned through this thread to get a review. I'm not clear about the plans for relocating, and it doesn't sound like you are either. Has she implied she would be moving to live "with" you, or just living with the kids in the same area? But then she says something about looking at schools near her parents, right?

Since she has not clarified the status of her A, I would move with caution. Especially since she dropped this about possibly living near her folks. She seems to be warming toward you, and this could be a positive.....but be on guard. There is much that needs to be resolved, yet. This is a fragile period when the WAW begins to show more friendliness.

By her kind of taking over the face time and turn in on herself, and the sudden increase of texting, etc., I tend to think she really misses you being there as her friend. So many LBH's mistake this gesture as her wanting to reconcile the M. She may want to only reconcile the friendship! So, proceed with extreme caution.

I suggest you continue to wait on her to initiate the contacts, unless of course, there is something important regarding the kids. I also think it would be wise to be a little less available. Like when you are out to dinner, etc., you could turn off your phone. It is a balancing act between being nice/ tolerating and indifference. You don't want to come across as cold & mean-spirited, but you cannot afford to pursue her or get gushy over her contacts. If you start initiating a bunch of contacts, she'll get disinterested and withdraw. You cannot pressure her with too much of "you", know what I mean? She has to be the one to really "work" and "run" her a$$ off to catch you this second time around.

Don't make it too easy by trying to "help" her catch you. Yeah, you can leave the road paved smooth by not placing a lot of barriers there, but she still needs to be the one to travel down the road to get you! A WAW who's had an A, would like to avoid conversations around OM/A, or see a MC, or anything unpleasant for her.....and just pick up with the M and continue on. I don't advise any couple to do that. Have a plan and an agreement in place....before you ever agree to live under the same roof with her.

[pilot]

Thank you very much sandi for your time and input.

Hey Pilot. Sorry, I just saw you flag me down on another post. I have gotten a little behind the last few days. I scanned through this thread to get a review. I'm not clear about the plans for relocating, and it doesn't sound like you are either. Has she implied she would be moving to live "with" you, or just living with the kids in the same area? But then she says something about looking at schools near her parents, right?

I am NOT clear as to what her intention of relocating is, nor am I clear on if that includes any sort of moving in with me. Her texts use the words "we" when discussing it, but that could mean anything. 2 weeks ago, it seemed she was ok with the idea of relocating to where I am so the kids can go to school in this area (better schools). Now it seems she is set on staying where she is now with her parents. That threw me for a loop, and puts the potential for a confrontation on the table. After some reflection, I think the most possible reason for her wanting to stay where she is stems from economic reasons vs. any kind of reaction to anything I have done. She most likely does not see her as being able to make the move to relocate here. Just speculating though. However, if I am correct, in the best interest of the kids, it would help knowing this as I would be able to work to rectify the situation to ensure the kids are at the best schools.

Since she has not clarified the status of her A, I would move with caution. Especially since she dropped this about possibly living near her folks. She seems to be warming toward you, and this could be a positive.....but be on guard. There is much that needs to be resolved, yet. This is a fragile period when the WAW begins to show more friendliness.

Absolutely correct about being on guard. This is where I get 'lost' as I am unsure of her motives, and thereby unsure of how to proceed. She has not discussed the A or any R issues. So far all of our contact has been mostly benign but friendly, sometimes borderline flirty on her part.

By her kind of taking over the face time and turn in on herself, and the sudden increase of texting, etc., I tend to think she really misses you being there as her friend. So many LBH's mistake this gesture as her wanting to reconcile the M. She may want to only reconcile the friendship! So, proceed with extreme caution.

Yea, its the misses me as a friend part which worries me. And I believe I eluded to this as I do not want to be friends if she still has OM in her life. But I am not able to verify or even ask about it as per DB protocol. I have not concluded she wants to work on the M or R yet. The most I figure is she is testing the waters to see if I am still around, or as you say, trying to be friends. I was hoping your 'trained' eyes would help spot which path she was headed.

I suggest you continue to wait on her to initiate the contacts, unless of course, there is something important regarding the kids. I also think it would be wise to be a little less available. Like when you are out to dinner, etc., you could turn off your phone. It is a balancing act between being nice/ tolerating and indifference. You don't want to come across as cold & mean-spirited, but you cannot afford to pursue her or get gushy over her contacts. If you start initiating a bunch of contacts, she'll get disinterested and withdraw. You cannot pressure her with too much of "you", know what I mean? She has to be the one to really "work" and "run" her a$$ off to catch you this second time around.

I have continued to require her to be the one to make contact. But your idea of becoming less available seems a valid one, and I will work towards that. I probably did get caught up in hindsight in the rush of contact she was making. Now pulling back a bit seems a wise thing. Thanks for bringing that up!

Don't make it too easy by trying to "help" her catch you. Yeah, you can leave the road paved smooth by not placing a lot of barriers there, but she still needs to be the one to travel down the road to get you! A WAW who's had an A, would like to avoid conversations around OM/A, or see a MC, or anything unpleasant for her.....and just pick up with the M and continue on. I don't advise any couple to do that. Have a plan and an agreement in place....before you ever agree to live under the same roof with her.

I agree completely about not helping her catch me. I definitely will require discussions about the A and assurances it is over before any R can proceed. Where I was confused and was hoping for advice was about the time our S began , I pretty much went from begging/wanting to work at our M, to slamming that door shut in her face, and followed it up with NC, then appearing happy without her and lots of GAL and 180s of which she has noticed. I just wanted to make sure I was able to ensure she knew there was a path back in the first place.



Again, thanks for your time Sandi. Your input is ALWAYS appreciated here!!!

[sandi2]

I just wanted to make sure I was able to ensure she knew there was a path back in the first place.

I don't know that you should, at least until you know a lot more. You can keep your own doorsteps cleaned off (if you know what I mean) and not get into another R or complication that would hinder things if she wanted to reconcile. But I wouldn't be telling her that's what you're doing.

The way I see it is the more she is assured she can have you back whenever "she" chooses......the easier it is for her to stay undecided, play games, keep you dangling on the end of a line, etc. Why would she feel the need to work to catch you if she knows she can have you whenever she gets ready? I maintain that if WAW's who have been in an A were not so sure their H would even want them back again......or were concerned someone else might replace her in his life, it would be more effective than all the other things he's tried so hard to do.

Some men make the mistake when she drops the bomb of assuring her he'll always be there and support her no matter what, yadda, yadda. If she is a wayward wife, he shouldn't try to convince her he's going nowhere. He should make her think otherwise. If she thinks he's dumping her (instead of the other way around) it has a way of yanking her out of her fog and quickly seeing what she really wants. But all this other stuff he tries........not so effective. Or, he waits too long and then tries to leave after nothing else has worked, and so it doesn't have the same strength of effectiveness, and in some cases, not any at all. But that's JMO.

The spot you are currently in calls for good poker playing. I have seen others do it right here on this board. So, it can work in your favor. I don't think she's ready yet, but she may be tossing the idea around. And......she is definitely going to check the relationshio temperature or your emotional feelings for her. That's why this calls for a good poker player. Don't give away what you hold in your hands. Make her show her cards.