You are NOT an idiot for wanting to believe that the person you entrusted with your heart really meant what he said. It's called HOPE.
And even though on this board we try to discourage expectations, it's human nature to feel hopeful when the sun peeks through the clouds.
Your situation has progressed so fast; I don't know how you're handling it as well as you are.
You're human, and you're in an awful situation that you had little choice about. It's OK to be sad, OK to be angry, OK to cry and curse the gods for what's happened.
As far as texting him, it was as benign as it could be. He can take it however he wants.
As far as your M is concerned, it's not over unless you want it to be. All the things that have happened are just changes which you will adapt to.
I don't know the laws in your state, but just because he wants a D, doesn't mean you need to give it to him! People get this wrong all the time. Not to say you fight him tooth and nail over the napkins or anything, but you certainly don't need to buckle under pressure to "get it over with quickly", unless that's YOUR agenda.
They say "Time is your friend, use it wisely." That is true.
Sorry for your pain, try not to focus on what he's doing. He probably doesn't even know. It's hurtful, yes, but you'll go on.. and you will get through this.
--GG
Me 54 Him 63 M 23 T 29 0 Kids Funny Farm of Rescues 12/12 OW-- 5/13 ILYBINILWY: A denied 9/13 Proof OW: ENDED 2/14 Got D papers on my BD I kicked him out for my sanity 9/14 He wants to "talk"?
I appreciate your encouraging words. I truly do as I feel very alone and I have cried off and on through out the day. From what I've read, this is part of the process in healing where you feel better and then have days that feel like a setback. I'm so ready for the pain to go away however, I understand (don't like) that it will take time and I honestly want to improve myself and get to a better place not just for myself but for my kids. As for the D, we both signed so it's just waiting for the judge to sign. I know I will be okay and get through this but at this very moment, it doesn't feel true. I feel like running away from this but I know the only way is just to heal my heart. Wish it was like ripping off a band aid....
Last edited by CSan00; 07/09/1402:48 AM.
Me 34 M 2.5 (Both 2nd M) My kids-D 17,S 16,S 12 BD 2/14 D final 7/2014
Me 54 Him 63 M 23 T 29 0 Kids Funny Farm of Rescues 12/12 OW-- 5/13 ILYBINILWY: A denied 9/13 Proof OW: ENDED 2/14 Got D papers on my BD I kicked him out for my sanity 9/14 He wants to "talk"?
Just keep putting one foot in front of the other. Don't be afraid to cry either, it will help alleviate the pain.
I've read here on a veterans old posts, that a new level of detachment is often preceded by a really tough time. Once you make it through this stage, you will be stronger. And then another challenge will come and you'll get down, and then you'll be stronger.
GGG and Thornton, thanks for supporting me. It truly helps and I am having a better day so far and look forward to seeing my IC today. On a side note, my STBXH texted me around midnight to say Goodnight even though it was late. I saw it this morning and just replied Good morning and thank you. I need to take myself out of a no win situation. Working on no expectations
Me 34 M 2.5 (Both 2nd M) My kids-D 17,S 16,S 12 BD 2/14 D final 7/2014
So I think i was mind reading and Assuming big time. And i am embarrassed to even post this but here goes...so yesterday after being home from the appointment with C, my STBXH text me about going to Verizon to separate the phones and he said to let him know if I wanted him to pick me up or meet him there. I figured I might as well do it and be done. He had the bike so he met me at my new apartment and I gave him a quick tour of it. We took his bike and I used to hold on to him but this time I just rested my arms on my legs. I think he sensed my hesitation and he grabbed my left hand and put it on his side. Once we got to Verizon we made small talk and waited till it was our turn. Turns out that in order to take off my phone it would be $500 which neither of us have to spend. We left and my STBXH asked if I wanted to go for a short ride. We rode for a little while and after we stopped at Home Depot, he asked if I wanted to get a beer and I said Sure. We stopped at a bar and just sat down and I mainly let him talk about how his kids didn't want to get out of the house, his oldest D 15 is complaining about everything saying it's lame the movies he picked and not interested in what he is talking about with her, his S 11 is annoying his sisters and won't hug him at all and his D 13 just has her head buried in a book. All I told my STBXH is that they are just being kids. My STBXH also told me that I looked good and asked how much weight I lost which I just said thank you and I wasn't sure if I lost weight. I asked if he did think we are in a relationship and he said Yes but not sure what kind. He went on to say ask about my mom and her chemotherapy as her cancer is progressing. I kept it short and he said that he loved my mom and wanted her to see his kids and give them the gifts she had given to my STBXH almost 9 months ago as he wanted her to give them to his kids. He mentioned my boys and some funny memories which we talked a little about but no issues or problems. He asked for a hug and I said it was okay. It felt nice but I felt on guard too. My STBXH said he rides his bike at night around 9 if I ever wanted to go with him and he was just throwing that out there. I asked how the kids were doing and he said Good and to let him know when I wanted to take them for an ice cream which I offered a while ago and he didn't mention till now. We talked and joked around a bit then he dropped me off at my apartment. He asked if he could give me a kiss and I said it was okay. It was a good time....Thoughts?
Me 34 M 2.5 (Both 2nd M) My kids-D 17,S 16,S 12 BD 2/14 D final 7/2014
I see now that I panic whenever my STBXH pulls back not recognizing he needs his space. I make ASSupmtions which doesn't help me at all and leads me to more of the same which is overreacting that's something my STBXH told me he disliked about me. Still have a long way to go in improving myself and learning DBing. I wonder if I screwed up too much...My STBXH did text me Good morning today and also called me at work which he has not done in over a month. He called to see if I could give him a ride from my mom's house as he was taking my dad's van over there. He ended up getting a ride from my mom back to his house. I'm trying really hard to not have expectations of what this all means or what he is thinking. I feel a bit sheepish about how I have let my emotions take over. Lots of work for me to do. This is certainly a roller coaster which I didn't take into consideration at all. Man, I feel really humbled because things that I thought were true like I truly did understand DBing is not close to reality. I want to learn to take each day as it comes and not project into the future so much that I can't see the forest for the trees. I do find it hard to give advice to others on here because I don't feel like I have enough time and work on myself with DBing so how can I help someone else...okay enough rambling
Me 34 M 2.5 (Both 2nd M) My kids-D 17,S 16,S 12 BD 2/14 D final 7/2014
I'd add on to what Thornton has said and suggest keeping a journal, if you aren't already. Mine isn't very old so it's not all that useful yet, but I try to keep track of what I've done and when as well as H's mood and how much he engages with me in different ways.
M - 34 H - 36 Together 10 years Married 4 years BD - March, 2014
Well, it's when I pull back a lot, go dark,just give him space and act/am (?) detached that my STBXH comes around. I guess I'm a bit perplexed as the D has been filed just waiting on the judge to sign. However I think I'm quoting Sandi2 on my sitch that he needs the D to feel free. Now that the D is almost finalized, my STBXH is more open than before?!? I guess that's for him to know and work on just like I am working on myself albeit slowly and right now GAL is a bit difficult with my kids needing me more than ever as my 1st XH is in Japan so I don't have alternating weekends and holidays but that's okay... I do have a 5k Color Run in August and hopefully getting together with my friends as much as possible. Oh and Bocce which is every Monday till the end of August.
Me 34 M 2.5 (Both 2nd M) My kids-D 17,S 16,S 12 BD 2/14 D final 7/2014
