In past times, dod you "explain" the situation about your ex, when you apologized to your W? I have known some guys who would say "sorry" but never explained by giving details. To some of us, it's not just about hearing an apology as it is in wanting to hear "why".
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
No, I didn't explain it as clearly as I did in this letter.
M: 59 W: 53 M: 9 yrs T: 14 yrs No kids together but D30(hers), S27, S24, D21(all 3 mine) W moved out 11/18/2013 D-Day 12/14/2013 W moved back home 12/1/2014
Peter in no way would i discount what Wonka is saying but i totally agree with writing the letter of apology for that incident if she said it may help . Now I dont see this as bootlicking ( lol how do you like that analogy ? ) I see it as something she genuinely wants you to be sorry for and if it takes a letter to make it sincere to her then you should . It doesnt matter if it was two weeks ago or ten years ago , if she remembered it and carried it for that long then it is important to her . What you did is in no way an excuse for her having an affair but it obviously was traumatic for her to remember it . Good job my friend on picking up on that . Some others may think different but this is my take onit. Dawgy
Me 45 W 45 Son 16 Son 14 Married 23 together 27 W threatened sep several times W still at home A discovered Mar 17 2014 A ended DEC 2 ( skeptical )
No, I didn't explain it as clearly as I did in this letter.
I think it will help her put it to rest when she learns the whole story. I could see how she would have felt hurt over that situation without knowing everything you've described in the letter.
I hope you can do as well for the other past offenses.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I'm wondering if I should address each issue in a separate letter or consolidate them all in one longer one.
M: 59 W: 53 M: 9 yrs T: 14 yrs No kids together but D30(hers), S27, S24, D21(all 3 mine) W moved out 11/18/2013 D-Day 12/14/2013 W moved back home 12/1/2014
My opinion , separate letters .Too much too take in for her all in one letter . Several letters addressing each issue she would likely see the sincerity more . But thats just what im thinking . Dawgy
Me 45 W 45 Son 16 Son 14 Married 23 together 27 W threatened sep several times W still at home A discovered Mar 17 2014 A ended DEC 2 ( skeptical )
Ok I'll write this first apology out in longhand on nice paper and give it to her tomorrow.
It's been a good week. We've spent a lot of time together. I've given lots of foot rubs and attention. Last night after we spoke I said ILY and she said ILY too. It seems she's warming up to me. I think presenting her with the letter now is good timing. If she asks for more I'll say one issue at a time and oblige.
This morning when I went over to the RH we spoke for a few minutes and then she asked me for a kiss. I should have planted a long one on her but I kept it light. No sense trying to kill a fly with a shotgun.
We've got a new hire who will be staying overnight (a live-in) starting in the next week or so, so that will enable my W to actually come back home. I need to make the transition inviting but not compulsory. She says she'll have to stay overnight at the RH until the new hire is used to the routine. At the same time my W will get to sleep through the night and hopefully the regular sleep pattern will improve her energy level and demeanor.
I think things are falling nicely into place. I just have to keep my PMA and listen to what she says, validating her and respecting her wishes. This whole DBing approach has been a godsend. I know it's still not where I want it to be, but as far as baby steps are concerned, where back in Dec we were at a 1.0 I would say we're at a 4.5 now. Still a long way to go but I know this is a marathon. And the positive progress is noticeable.
I wish everyone else on this site the strength to continue, persevere and improve month by month. I know there are down days and up days and by now I've come to take the down days in stride knowing that there will be an up day in the not too distant future. It's almost becoming predictable. Everything I've experienced is pretty well straight out of the book. And furthermore, I thank everyone on this site for the friendship, support and great advice. (I guess you can tell I'm having an up day )
M: 59 W: 53 M: 9 yrs T: 14 yrs No kids together but D30(hers), S27, S24, D21(all 3 mine) W moved out 11/18/2013 D-Day 12/14/2013 W moved back home 12/1/2014
