Dealing with ongoing affair -which may now be over

[Wonka]

Nuh...nope. STFU.

There's nothing to "discuss" regarding W's behavior. You can say in a netural tone that you wanted to be sure W was safe as you were seeing flooding in the area. That's that.

[sandi2]

I think you need to leave her alone for a while. When she comes back to the RH, I think you should pull back. She is too on edge. The slightest push from you and she's going to run. I don't how you can do it, but if she doesn't get out from under that RH, your M may not reconcile. No matter how financially profitable it may be, it could cost you the M. I'm telling you.....burn out can be like pouring gasoline on the fire if she's in an A.

If she is still seeing OM, then this pressure with you and RH could be enough "excuse" to leave everything behind her. Maybe she is looking for an excuse, IDK. However, you waiting to meet her with a discussion about her recent behavior is not a good idea. IMO, it will be bad timing.

Stay away from the RH and don't contact her. Wait and see what her next move will be.

[PeterV2]

She's not coming back until Wed, so I have tomorrow to fix a leak and a couple other maintenance issues before she gets back.

I hear you Wonka & Sandi. Thanks for the 2x4. Once she's back I'll stay as dark as she lets me. She may text me and want to talk and see me. Not sure. I'll leave it up to her.

I'm trying my best to help her business get over this drought. We have a tentative meeting set up for Thurs. I'll need to confirm that with her when she returns. It's hard to be helping her run a business and staying away at the same time.

Yes, I'll just let her dictate the next move.

[Devaste]

Smart Peter,

Sit back and wait. Don't ask, don't probe, don't push. Just be, and let your W be. It's so hard, but from what I've read, it looks like it's what she needs. Sometimes, the hardest things are the toughest, and most important things to do. Stay strong, and patience my friend

Dev

[sandi2]

Once she's back I'll stay as dark as she lets me. She may text me and want to talk and see me. Not sure. I'll leave it up to her.

What do you mean?

Try to maintain a business level in any conversation about the RH that may arise. Otherwise, I think you need to hang back and not open a R discussion at this time. If she wants to talk, then just listen to what she has to say. Don't argue or try to reason with her. Simply listen. Then go home to think about it before you give any type of response to her.

I hope she won't approach you with a negative R talk, but with her emotional state being what it is......it's like sitting on a bomb, never knowing when it will go off!

[PeterV2]

I mean I have no idea what's going through her mind. I'll heed your advice, Sandi, and not open any R talk, while only listening to her R talk if she does. I just have to keep cool and business-like.

Yes, Dev, this is tough. No questions. Just a pleasant, business-like demeanor.

[PeterV2]

Well she phoned me around 6pm to tell me she's back in town. Had a restful couple of days - slept a lot, watched a few movies and some TV - just chilled. She seemed in a great mood. Happy about the progress of the work I did at the RH. She may be coming over to our house for a bit.

Seems I was freaking out for no reason - seems like everything is cool with her. Still I won't bring up any R talk - I'll wait for her lead on that.

[PeterV2]

She came home and we ate dinner together. Then she ask me to come to the RH so I followed her there. We had a good evening but no R talk. When I left she hugged and kissed me goodbye. But the kiss was still tentative - not as much into it as it was a couple of weeks ago.

She said she feels like she's lost a sense of her "self". Said she's been crying a lot every day. She's going to make an appt with our MC. But she did say she had a good break - what she needed to decompress a little.

I was supportive that she gets help and tries to regain her sense of self. I told her I'm here for her. She thanked me for that.

She still hasn't told me where she went, but I'm not about to ask. No pushing or pursuing. I really don't think she was with the OM or she would have been more anxious. She was quite relaxed. She sent me a TM: see you tomorrow.

[PeterV2]

I went to the RH this morning first thing to oversee the workers from the insurance claim starting to fix the flood damage. W & I had a coffee and talked a bit but then we both had places to go.

This evening after dinner W called me & invited me over to hang out. We sat on the couch and she started into the R talk. She's still bringing up old hurts from 10 years ago. And a lot of other hurts from the past. She's angry at me for those things, which drove her from me. I said I apologize but she seems to think it would be better and more healing for both of us if I were to explain and apologize in a letter to her. Yes, she asked me to write her a letter. So I guess I should write her.

She's also afraid my changes are just to get her back and not changes for me. I assured her they are for me, but I don't think she believes me.

She says she never will let me hurt her again.

You see, I was always too busy and I brought her into my busyness and that didn't give her time to do the things she liked doing before we met, so she gave up a lot of her single life activities to be with me and because I was always working on projects she would always be working with me so she could spend time with me. That became the pattern but it was not what she wanted. She told me that often but my projects were self perpetuating and I couldn't seem to stop so eventually she pulled away.

As we were saying goodbye she apologized for getting angry with me and said she doesn't like getting angry with me. She gave me a hug goodbye but when I went to kiss her like we usually do she turned her cheek to me. I gave her a look but she just smiled and said good night.

So I need to write a letter to her, apologizing for those things I did that lead to the breakdown of our marriage.

[shodan]

I have been following your thread. Clearly, write the letter. Spend a lot of time on it. Make sure it is hand written on nice paper. It will make a difference. I also would recommend do some research on line on these types of letters to get some advice on what to say and what not to say.

It does sound like she needs space and time to see if your changes will stick. Just keep the changes going and put your W first over everything. I am not saying romance her but you cannot let work take precedence over her.