My H's MLC #2

[Ssarah]

I think it's time for a new thread. Here is my initial post:

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2461750#Post2461750

And so my roller coaster ride continues. We had a great 4th of July, spending the day with family and friends at our good friend's house. The kids had a blast as did we. H acted as if all was normal, pretending to be a happily married dad. He has yet to tell his brothers (or anyone else other than his mom) that he's pursuing the divorce and at this point is really not doing much to help his case as to why he has to pursue it. The friends I was certain knew something last week and acted funny were there, and this time they were acting like old times. His best friend especially was talking to me for most of the day like old times, cracking jokes, just being his old self with me so I'm not sure what he knows after all. So then I just don't get. Why pretend? Why not help your cause and not come around with me so at least it looks like there are issues and there's a "need" for you to divorce me. Why put on the act. These people are going to be in utter shock and disbelief when they hear he's started proceedings.

So we got back from the bbq late, put the kids to bed and he left for a few hours, came home and cuddled up to me in bed. He didn't try anything, but just slept all night hugging me. Then the next morning I wake up let him know I'm taking the kids to my parents summer house for the day and will be back the next morning to see his parents off on their extended vacation. He is fine with it, telling me to drive carefully and be careful in general. So for 24 hours I had my old husband back.

Then Sunday we come back and H does a complete 180. He was cold, distant and snappy. Hung out for about 30 minutes with the kids and left until late. Monday morning he completely ignored me. That afternoon he was to come watch the kids for an hour so that I could go to the gym. Just last week I signed up with a trainer that my father in law and brothers in law work with to work out 2 days a week. He is my brother in laws friend. So since H stalks my phone, I don't know if he saw the trainer texting me or what his issue was, but H was so rude to me before I left, ignoring me and acting like a child. I only spoke to him regarding the kids and he ignored me as if I wasn't in the room. As soon as I got back from the gym, he changed and left for the night. This morning again, woke up ignored me and left. Now I get a text that he won't be relieving the babysitter tonight so that means he's not coming home.

There are a number of things I wanted to discuss with him like adults before my lawyer called to make the intro and now with his attitude I don't see that happening. I wanted to discuss separating the phone bill, our kids vacation, his bday next week and whether he'd be doing something with the kids, but I'm afraid that once the lawyers talk this week things will only get worse. Should I attempt to be honest and forewarn him about what the attorney will say (ie him paying my legal fees) so that he is not shocked and doesn't attack me for it or is it pointless? I just think of the motto, "do to others as you would want them to do to you" and I have to say every communication I received from his attorney was like a punch in the stomach. Had he spoken to me about them first I would have taken each better. I'm trying to perserve as much of our relationship as possible for the sake of the children and I DO NOT want this to get ugly, but I guess I have no control. Don't know what's best in this crazy world of MLC.

[GoatGal]

Hey Ssarah,


I can't speak to the lawyer thing, only to the blowing hot and cold by your H.

When I first started all this DBing stuff, I made charts to keep track of my progress and stay on target.

I noticed a definite pattern:

Any real movement towards me that went well was usually followed by a withdrawal, the closer we got, the further away he went, often for a few days afterward.

This has slowed down some.

I also get the irritable/suspicious thing too, sometimes for reasons I can't figure out.
Like he's mad at me for something specific, but who knows what?

So I think all that is pretty normal.

You've been a busy lady!

--GG

[Ssarah]

GoatGal I'm starting to see that pattern as well. He gets closer to me then distances, then comes again, then further away, so I guess this is par for the course. In the beginning I was thinking of keeping a calendar but he snoops so much that I didn't want him to find it. Maybe I will though. As for staying busy, it's the only thing that keeps me sane right now. I'm trying to GAL and have one activity a week. So far I've been reaching my goal.

[job]

What you are witnessing is the distance/pursuer game. They come closer when we distance and when we come closer to them, they distance themselves from us. Did you read the thread on Distance and Pursuit? If not, here's the link to it:

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=714209

[Train]

The distance/pursuer write-up is HUGE and such an eye-opener. I not only used it in my sitch, but I've shared it with others who are in "the dance" with their partners, too.

Ssarah, I have to be honest: I haven't read through your first thread. But my initial response to whether you should talk to your H about what the L is going to say is a big, fat "heck no." No need to soften any landings there ... or create a hostile discussion between the two of you, either. Yes, YOU would have felt better if your H had given you a heads up before you received legal paperwork/communication. But you're in a different place than your H, and he's in a different place than you. You're living in reality, while it sounds like he's clearly in La-La Land.

Don't deny him the dignity of his own struggle. He's the one asking for the D, yes? As Starsky says, there's a reason they put that little v. between your names.

NO divorce is truly "amicable." It wasn't, by "nature," meant to be.

[Matt165]

Hi Train,
While no D is EVER amicable, DON'T try to tell that to the typical MLCer! Seems like they ALL think it will just be a breeze and no one (them, you, kids, family, etc.) will be at all hurt. No, like them they seem to think everyone will be sooo much "happier" and life will become a bed of roses!

[Train]

That's certainly the script, isn't it? Sigh.

[Ssarah]

Job, I did read the pursuer/distancer thread a while back but I definitely needed a refresher so thank you. I defintiely struggle with keeping my wall up when he's pleasant and like his "old self". I forget about MLC for a moment and think maybe he's coming back and then wam, I get smacked over the head again.

I'm just curious. In your years of navigating this site, has anyone reconciled with their MLCer after a D? I know it's mentioned as a possibility but has it actually happened. As Train said the D is never amicable and so I don't see how anyone comes back together with that much extra fuel added to the fire.

[Ssarah]

Train, he is the one pursuing the D and he's pushing hard for it. That's the goal he's set for himself since BD and that's the only thing on his mind. After D he will have his slate clean to start his new life and be happy. It's what he deserves. The kids will be fine as will I but he just "needs" to do this. I am a very honest person by nature and have always been with H about EVERYTHING. I've always told him EVERYTHING and so for me to go to a L and then have this dropped on him seems wrong to me and doesn't make me feel good. And that's when I have to remind myself that there's no more us, there's no more confiding and sharing and trusting. It's hard but I have to stop worrying about him and focus on me and the kids. He doesn't care or respect us so why am I. He really makes me feel crazy I tell you.

[Ssarah]

Matt165 that's the thing, how out of touch with reality do you have to be to think a divorce will make you feel good. Unless you're in an abusive relationship, a couple's struggles are something you at least attempt to work on and not just run away from. I didn't even get a warning shot about my H's feelings. It was just a sit down with him telling me all that is wrong with our relationship and all that he's missing and that he's out. No, lets work on this, let's try for the kids, nothing. Just done. In what other situation do you respond this way. Whether it be work or relationships with friends, you make attempts to fix things, to find a middle ground. But here, you destroy your family and it's okay. I really hate the MLC.