You dont want her back unless she makes the changes to herself.
This wife, the way she is right now, is NOT what you want.
You want her new and improved version.
She will not change over night, give her the space to improve herself.
OK?
This. ^^^^
Your so right Starsky. What led to our problems were issues that she needs to face as well as I need to face mine.
I am happy to say she is in therapy.
W 53 H 51, S 16, S 21 33 years M 28 DD 3 Feb 11, 2014 S21 and His Fiancée move in with us 8/14 http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...965#Post2477965
"What I am trying to do is stay calm and not let her anger me. I also avoid conversations with her about OM. It only comes up when she puts all the blame on me for her affair."
The anger is something that you do to yourself. Think of it this way. If she were a stranger and came up to you off the street and started yelling hatred at you, you'd just look at her like she were crazy and then walk away laughing. Think of her as that stranger. You attach meaning to her words which causes you to get angry.
Let it go.
You know I let this really sink in. In my career I have irate clients etc scream at me or act completely irrational and unprofessional, I have never let this get to me, that's why I am successful in my career.
If I would apply some of these principles to my wife things WOULD BE and COULD BE much better...
W 53 H 51, S 16, S 21 33 years M 28 DD 3 Feb 11, 2014 S21 and His Fiancée move in with us 8/14 http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...965#Post2477965
YES, Oxford. I think the same thing about applying things I am successful at work to my home life. For instance, I realized that I give a TON more thought & consideration to a challenging conversation with a colleague than with my H. Hmm...priorities a little backward, maybe?
I totally agree thinking about and applying other areas of your life where you're successful to you M is a very useful exercise!
M: 42 H: 43 M: 8 years S7 and D4 H has D19 and S25 from previous M Bomb: 3/6/14 OW discovered, EA & PA 1st separation, 10 days, decided to reconcile & moved back in. Fail 2nd separation: 5/1/14
The OM is coming back to the USA, She tried to get him to not come. He demanded yes demanded that he is coming and she should see him. The plan is to meet him in public open areas together and not drive in the same car etc. These plans were made through the MC and relayed to me. The only thing that upset me was she is going to see him on the weekends too. she says only for a few hours and it will be in the middle of the day.
I do't want to come off controlling or be a Deek Head. I am not happy at all with this. She has committed that there will be no tome alone and wont even know where he is staying. I want to trust her but a little birdie keeps telling me not to.
She also says that this is when she is going to tell him that she has no plans of traveling to see him nor of having him come back here. That she has reapetedly told him that as long as my S16 lives at home she will not do anything again that can hurt him.
So I asked if this is still because she has a 2 year plan. She said no, she really wants to stay married. She feels we have rebuilt ourselves and our marriage. she is just not ready to give up the OM. She feels a connection there is something about him his soul (even the MC believes she is one of those woman who falls for her priest, reverend , rabbi, whatever). My only mistake was pointing out to her that all people in affairs have this "Soulmate" concept.
SO I am writing this little confessional because I am angry and glad at the same time. The MC says if I stay calm and allow this and the WW is true to her word then this could all lead to a demise in the affair.
I am just frustrated that she seems afraid to hurt him, afraid to tell him that he should leave after a few days. I asked her is it that you dont want to or your afraid.
She said, she feels bad for him, he has given up a lot of friends to be with her. When he is not working with a tour group he has nothing to do but sit around his apartment...WHY IS THIS HER Concern?
I confronted her that she seems less willing to hurt him than me...She said that I am wrong all of this is hurting her.
So on one hand she says she has fallen back in love with me, but on the other she feels that even asking her to break contact with OM is controlling...
What do you mean? Are you telling me to throw her out?
W 53 H 51, S 16, S 21 33 years M 28 DD 3 Feb 11, 2014 S21 and His Fiancée move in with us 8/14 http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...965#Post2477965
Yes. And the MC who's actually advising you to condone this arrangement.
And I'm saying goodbye myself, because I obviously can't help you and it's unkind to keep beating you up about it.
Good luck, Ox. I truly hope you see the error of all of this someday soon, and get your dignity back. As for this woman of yours, if it were me -- I wouldn't want her. She is not a woman of quality.
Yes. And the MC who's actually advising you to condone this arrangement.
And I'm saying goodbye myself, because I obviously can't help you and it's unkind to keep beating you up about it.
Good luck, Ox. I truly hope you see the error of all of this someday soon, and get your dignity back. As for this woman of yours, if it were me -- I wouldn't want her. She is not a woman of quality.
My opinions.
Starsky
What can't you help? I have learned to be less controlling
I thought part if the DB strategy was not to throw her out or move out of the home. Also to not try and force her to do anything.
If she doesn't want to see him, then her actions would be not to see him. You don't go see someone to say that you don't want to see them. You just don't see them.
This suggests that she is still totally under his control.
If, from a distance, she can't resist going to see him, then how will her will power be when they are together?
And that the MC is complicit in these arrangements, well, you want to find a new MC, pronto.
And the stuff about not wanting to hurt S - I think you nailed it. She does have a two year plan.
