Funeral for a husband, love lies bleeding

[T-boned]

Oh, and one more thing, love your tag line....I got it right away, too.

[cczamo]

Thanks, T-boned! ((((to you, too!)))
My D will happen tomorrow if all goes as planned, and I'm absolutely NOT going to court. I have a full day and will think of it like any other day, as TL suggested. To quote her " It's just a piece of paper, and just a regular day."
I hope that can be my mantra, like the other mantra suggested, "may he have all the good things that I wish for myself" and I'll REALLY be saying it over and over again, all day, tomorrow.

And yes, I do think you are right that taking off the bandage quickly is better, but downside is that I'm still off and on in shock about the entire sitch, thinking that I'll just wake myself up from this nightmare!

It's hard when you dont have kids in common with the MLCer, as you dont have much reason to do DB techniques. I suspect that our no "kids group" has much less success with MLCer returning, but that's just a guess. So, I Gal. Yes, my Galing is sometime just going through the motions. But hey! you cant have life give you a new open door, if you dont go stand by any new doors! Right? I'm faking it till I make it. But it's good to know you feel the same way. Sort of a loneliness in the crowd kind of experience.

I'll look into your book, as that is not the one used by DivorceCare. They have their own book which covers points from a video that group watches, then the book has daily homework related to the session of the week.
I think the Rebuilding book youre reading may have been used by TL, though, and I know what ever she used, she mentioned really helped her "do the work." I'm struggling with "doing the work." As I'm struggling with just getting a bucket list.
But absolutely the aurora b is something to see. It is a lifetime experience. I saw on my honeymoon, and I want to see again so I don't have to think of H when I think of the aurora. I hope you do get to see it.

No need to apologize! I'll be keeping an eye on you, too!
(HUGS back to you, T-Boned)

cczamo

[T-boned]

Thanks for your kind words. Cc,I'll be thinking of you tomorrow and hope you do just treat it like any other day. Those mantras can really help when you feel yourself slide a bit. And the one about your STBX having all the good things you wish for yourself, I've been saying that for like two months and sometimes it just makes me feel better for having said it. Like I'm taking the high road in all of this.

Yes, the kid connection I think, while it must be extremely difficult to deal with as a parent, does tend to carry some weight with most MLCers, IMHO. It gives you a reason to have some contact with the WAS/MLCer. Because I don't have that reason, I hear next to nothing. As of today, all I can say is 'Oh well, nothing I can do for him, just work on myself.' And I do think I have finally dropped the rope, however, I say that with caution b/c I've been here before and then whoops! Something pulls the rug right out from under my feet. Part of the rollercoaster ride.

As for the Rebuilding book, yes, TL used it - she recommended it to me. It really is good. I also have been reading The Journey From Abandonment to Healing - even if you don't have other issues with abandonment, this book helps with the type of abandonment we have experienced.

Like you, I have struggled doing the work it takes to get through this, but hang in there my friend. I know it feels some days like you haven't accomplished anything at all, and then all of a sudden one day you just feel different. I feel like I am getting my power back, the power to take my dignity back. Do you see a IC? It is well worth it if you can find someone you are comfortable with.

Well, I just want you to know I'll be thinking of you tomorrow and will check in. Prayers of strength for you tonight. Talk with you tomorrow. ((((( )))))

[cczamo]

Thanks for your thoughts and hugs! I do feel your support.

It is over. I received a text at 9:53am this morning from xh (officially ex now). It read, "Signed divorce papers are in your mailbox. Wishing you all the best."

That's it!
Not even certain if I should text a response. I'll put it out on my other "should I give a good bye card" page.
I'm just a little bit weepy, and had to re-apply mascara, but other than that, feel a bit numb and really know I'll be okay. It's not like I didnt know this was coming.
CC

[TL72*]

Hey CC -
after today things can only get better right? positive mental attitude. This can be a turning point for you, choose to find happiness and inner peace. I'm now thanking my exH for divorcing me because it opened me up to so many new opportunities and possibilities! Thinking of you, I know it is difficult.

[T-boned]

Hey CC - a big hug to you (((()))). Well, like TL said, it can only get better from here. Take back your life. Don't let what he's done ruin you. Personally, I don't think I'd honor that greeting card type comment,"Wishing you the best", with a response. Sounds kind of cold and disingenuous (sp?) to me. But that's me.

So you wept a little - - that's good. Maybe a larger cry has already occurred, but it is also really, really good. Feel it all, yell scream, laugh, sob . . .whatever! But don't keep it down. Then think about those things you'd like to accomplish for the day, for the week, month or year! Work on that bucket list. I found that very helpful the last few weeks. Yes, you will be okay. And I truly believe that this is one of the hardest things to go through in life, but if you can get through this you can get through anything!

Sorry I'm a little late getting back to you - had a couple of busy days at work doing field work and the reports that follow. But you have been on my mind and I wish you nothing but peace and joy from this day forward. My mantra for the next few weeks , May CC have all the good things I ever wanted for myself.

Take care, my friend. Post often - get it out there. Rest. Check in on you in a couple days.

[loualea]

Hi cczamo
I am late to your thread.. have been wallowing a lot in my misery... but you seemed to be writing for me..

and I have taken strength today from your dignity.. I think I am still standing.. I think..
I find it really difficult to detach...I sort of blame the boards.. makes me spend too much time thinking about him and us..
it has been 10 months.. I see him distancing and I work hard not to pursue.. I have learned a lot about me too...
I wonder too much
sounds like a good idea to have some one live at your place.. the long lonely nights are horrible.
So I hope this is a happy weekend for you.. running is such a life saver.. well sanity saver anyway.. and I had the same comment.. that I did not go running with him.. except he did not run. Not until he met the OW?.

[TL72*]

loualea - that same thought crossed my mind a few months ago, coming to the boards caused me to obsess about mlc and the exh. I would read reconciliation stories and hope, or i'd over analyze every little thing in my own sitch. inside I knew that this takes years and I "stood" for 6 months but now I'm moving on. It's hard to detach but it does help you with personal growth and healing. You can detach and stand at the same time. Yes the time spent wondering is painful, I still wonder at times, but then I catch myself and try to change the thoughts to something else - find distractions. I used to come to the boards looking for answers, support, I still get support and encouragement and it really helps, now I try and share support and encouragement to others going through something similar. I got to where I enjoyed the alone time at home at night, but I have a lot of pets and chores to do around the house, so that kept me busy. Running is a good way to clear your head, and work through grief.
CC - hope you are doing ok - thinking of you

[cczamo]

Thanks for keeping up with me T-boned, TL and welcome, Loualea.
I am off of the initial "high" of first week post D day. I had lots of support, but the way down over weekend hit. I did go early Sat and ran "a loop" as they say here about a path around popular lake in Dallas.
I failed to make other GAL plans for the rest of the day. I did not think ahead. I did dinner/movie with friends Friday and church/dinner w/friend on Sunday, but Sat was lonely. I need to be able to have solitude without panicking, which I have been able to do, but for some reason the first weekend post divorce, I've panicked for not having "plans" on Sat. Wow! I have to work on that! Both on being proactive in plans with friends, AND on being able to be with myself and okay with it. Even enjoying it. I used to enjoy the solitude of the weekends that H would travel. Need to get back to that

yes, I agree with you TL. It is possible to detach yet stand, but coming here to boards for comfort does tend to keep me back in the MLC mindset thinking of "HIM" and I need to NOT think of "HIM" as much as possible. Yet, occasionally I realize that I have not thought of HIM for several hours! Yay for small miracles.

[cczamo]

Amazingly enough, on Sunday, ex H texted then called me. I answered his 2nd call attempt.

He merely wanted to know if he could drop his 2 dogs off in afternoon Sunday so he could attend party and leave them overnight through Monday. I immediately thought that he wants to go see OW overnight (she used to live out of town, but I'm not snooping to confirm if still out of town, or if they're even still in R). I said of course, any time, bring them over! I miss my puppies!!! He was upbeat thanking me for being "so accommodating."

He went on to share news regarding some people I'd known in his company that had been laid off recently. I voiced sadness for them, yet kept my end of conversation impersonal, yet as warm as possible.

Occasionally, ex will share things with me, just like in the old days, things that perhaps he thinks only I can relate to... I also have some of those moments, where I really want to share something that I've heard or read that I know he'd appreciate. It just kills me, and I have really, really struggled with each time it's happened, but I have not shared the thought, news or whatever meaningful moment. I held it inside, bit my tongue, distracted myself, did not hit "send" button, and the strong urge eventually dissipates. This has been one very difficult lasting link to let go of, leaving me feeling sadness of our lost connection most acutely.
That, and the sex...I miss that most acutely, too!