WAW...Again, Part III

[stumps]

Move back inside your head

But but but... It can be so scary in there...

Honestly... what I need to do is remind myself that there is only so much I have control over. Just my behavior and my mind.

I'm not much of a "believer", but I need to remember that for the most part, unless I start engaging in some kind of self-destructive behavior or something, things will play out and work out the way God/the Universe/the Flying Spaghetti Monster intends.

I've been given an opportunity to better myself, and have taken advantage of that opportunity. No none would have been happy in the long term--not my wife, not my kids, not me--if things had continued on the way they were in my marriage pre-bomb drop.

[labug]

Yes, letting go of the idea that we control "something" is so hard but when we can do it, it makes everything so much easier.

I get constant reminders of this, as we're now dealing with a situation with our S21. As much as I'd like to swoop in and save him, it would be counterproductive. He has to save himself.

[stumps]

Journaling...

Picking up W and the kids from the airport tonight. Can NOT wait to see the kids. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't eager to see W too... Despite keeping busy, I've missed her a ton. However, I think I've pretty successfully DB'ed in her absence. GAL'ed all week, and only spoke to/texted W after she got in touch with me first...and always waited a while before getting back in touch with her. If her intent was to get a break from our sitch and do her own thing this week, I didn't do anything to jeopardize that.

I figure there's a good chance W used the week to sort out her feelings, and may have come to a conclusion about our marriage. That is, of course, an *assumption* on my part...but a conscious one.

It will be interesting to see her demeanor when I pick them up. But I can say this, she will be coming home to a clean house, a well-stocked fridge/pantry, a bed with freshly-washed linens, and an intelligent, good looking, in shape man with a positive attitude and a good heart who endeavors to do what's right and kind and always improve himself.

If that's enough for her, that's on her.

[pilot]

Good job. Just be careful about setting time lines. Things happen on her schedule, not yours.

Good luck!

[stumps]

Good job. Just be careful about setting time lines. Things happen on her schedule, not yours.

Good luck!

Thanks! Agree re: the time line. Sometimes living in limbo gets to me, and I fantasize that any decision on W's part, whether it's to stay or go, will bring relief. Or that deciding to end this myself will at least bring certainty back to my life. But then I think about what that would mean for our kids, and how happy they are with us all together... and how much happier I would be if we can pull it together... And the fact that certainty is always a bit of an illusion anyway.

All of that helps me remember that this is really an open-ended process... And even if W decides to stay and states so explicitly at some point, DBing is an ongoing endeavor.

[stumps]

Well, vacation homecoming went about as well as could be expected. Great enthusiastic welcome home with the kids. W was decidedly cooler, but warm enough given our sitch. She mentioned a few times how good it was to be home... that's good enough for me. Got a couple of hugs in there too, and W remarked how thoughtful I was for bringing food to the airport for everyone and for keeping the house clean etc. while they were gone. Got another nice hug after we crawled into bed too. Seems kind of weird to be doing inventory like this...but I'm always looking for signs that I'm on the right path and this type of accounting helps so...

It seems like we are pretty much in the same place we were before W left for vacation. I'll take that. Her spirit/demeanor don't seem to suggest an impending 2nd bomb-drop so...I'll take that too.

One interesting development... W has been talking non-stop about getting a dog since she got back and we spent a good part of last night and this morning looking at potential adoptees. Apparently someone at the vacation house had a dog there for the week, and it really got W into "we need a dog" mode. It's the way she is talking about it that I find interesting...saying things like "we could take her hiking, and to the beach" etc. Definitely seems to be a "we" thing. I'm all for it. I grew up with dogs and love them more than humans in many (if not most!) cases. But I feel about it sort of the same way I feel about bringing babies into the world...it might not be such a great idea if the relationship ain't too solid... like, if we're not going to stay together, who gets the dog? Are her parents going to let her have it at their house if she moves in with them. Will I be able to find a place where I can have it if I have to get my own place? Basically, how will it be taken care of if we're not in a situation where at least one of us will always be around?

So, I'm not sure if I should discuss all of this with her... or just say to heck with it and let all of that sort itself out if it comes to it. I feel like this is a delicate situation... I don't want to put a damper on her enthusiasm or rain on her parade or anything, and I would love to have dog. But I don't want to be playing around with another being's life either. I think too many people enter too lightly into pet ownership...and I 100% do not want to find myself in a sitch where we're having to give up a dog that we committed to taking care of because we split up and neither one of us could keep it.

I don't know...maybe talking about my concerns with W would provide an opportunity to gauge where she is with "us". That's something I've refrained from doing so far. Not sure how to proceed here...

[labug]

I was wondering about how things went. Glad to read that the only development is she wants a dog.

A dog is a lifelong commitment and everything you say is correct.

Open up a conversation with her about it, no agenda (your concerns)other than finding out what having a dog means to her. Information seeking.

Then take time to think about it and ask more if you need to.

[stumps]

So I realized regarding the dog W wants to get, I pulled a 180 without realizing it. I had texted W's father (a contractor) to ask him how much it would cost to put in a couple of sections of split rail fence around the house. He ended up coming up to the house to talk to us about exactly what we wanted and why we wanted it. When W told him it was for a dog, she made him promise not to tell her mother, and when he asked why W told him it was because her mother is always negative about everything and would point out all the reasons it was a bad idea. W said she hadn't even firmly decided we were getting a dog, but she wanted to enjoy entertaining the idea without someone telling her all the reasons she shouldn't get one. When W said that, I immediately thought to myself "Hmmm, that's what I typically would have done... I would have felt the need to be the voice of reason and discuss all the realities and considerations that needed to be taken into account..." But this time I didn't. I just let W have her fun looking at dogs and thinking up names and imagining what it would be like if we got one.

In other news... this morning W started talking about how she realized while she was on vacation that what was important to her was getting healthier, getting back into yoga, and spending time with her kids and husband and the rest of her family. She said she realized how sucked into an unhealthy lifestyle she was and that working in an environment with people mostly 10-15 years younger than her was fun at first, but she sees the detrimental effect hanging out with what are essentially college kids has had on her. She brought up the fact that she hasn't been wearing her wedding ring (I noticed but said nothing), and wanted me to know that she doesn't consider herself any less married and it doesn't change her behavior, but that she doesn't want to wear that ring anymore because it represents a failed marriage. She said if and when we are more fully reconciled she wants to get a new ring to represent a new marriage. Notably, she said she feels like it's more likely a matter of "when" rather than "if" because she feels good about how things have been lately and where we are headed.

So...this is all good stuff. Just going to keep up DBing, tread lightly, take it slow, and see how things continue to develop.

[labug]

[stumps]

I was wondering about how things went. Glad to read that the only development is she wants a dog.

A dog is a lifelong commitment and everything you say is correct.

Open up a conversation with her about it, no agenda (your concerns)other than finding out what having a dog means to her. Information seeking.

Then take time to think about it and ask more if you need to.

I posted before I saw this labug. It's funny, I learned another good lesson about assumptions and expectations, as what I had assumed/expected from W upon her return was nothing like what I actually got!