Sorry to hear all of this. I would definitely let your W make the contact about meeting this evening. I can also see why you feel D might be your only option at this point. As you said, only you can really know your limits. Maybe the start of the process will be the jolt your W needs? Whatever you do, I hope you do not feel like the D is your fault...even if you do initiate the process.
Good luck buddy.
Me: 42 W: 32 Married 7 years together 8.5 S1: 7 S2:7 Bomb #1: 09-16-13 Recon #1: 11/13 A discovered 04-03-2014 W filed D 05-19-14 but never served me I filed D 12-02-2014 S 05-31-14 Divorced 5-19-16
So Tuesday's gone with the wind and didn't hear anything from W last night about meeting up to talk. Still feeling pretty conflicted as I was half looking forward to having the conversation and half wanting to avoid it as I think it would have been the next step towards D. My sense of urgency in having this resolved is due to the fact that every detail or incident I find out between W and OM takes me one step closer to the point of no return.
I've always been a pretty indecisive person, taking plenty of time to research, weigh pros/cons, etc for even minor decisions. Doesn't help my thought process when I weigh 'am I done?' vs 'do I want to continue to DB?'
Just getting caught up on your sitch. I can relate to you, as I am not sure that my W has any interest in R. I am also a methodical planner and researcher. From what you've said, you struggle with the same thing with your W showing no obvious interest in R. Don't forget she is probably very confused, and not really sure what she does want either, much like yourself.
I feel that truly you need to figure out what you want to do. As you saw when you were reactive, it really just created more troubles for you. I know because I've done it lots as well. Determine what you can stand with respect to the OM, and don't contact him. Your a much better and stronger person than that. Keep up the hard work. PMA all the way. I like your GAL activities and when you talk about what your doing with your kids. I truly believe you'll know when you know.
Not much interaction with W this past week. She did send me an email this weekend with her schedule for taking the kids this week. Mentioned starting her new job next week. Also said she hoped I wasn't upset for her not meeting me for drinks last week. She had a rough day/week and really was just looking forward to sulking on the couch after her real estate deal fell through. But she did get another offer and is hoping to close by the end of the month. Little details like that show me that she does miss our friendship. I didn't respond.
Maybe my patience is waning, but I've been thinking a lot lately on how I'm interacting with her. Re-reading my posts, it's been about 4 mos of the same story- min contact between us until I discover she's with OM (aka 'just a friend') and confront her. She replies with it's been a rough day/week, life is terrible, she needs to think about things, soul search, etc. Repeat every 3-4 weeks. Makes me wonder if I should be doing something different or if she just knows the words to say? Should I even care if she's just playing me until she starts her new job and can afford to live on her own? Guess my pride gets in the way.
I've realized my 'no friend while OM is in the picture' stance has softened lately, as evident by my asking if she wanted to grab a drink last week. Just felt like natural things to do at the time. I do feel like she has opened up to me a little more and can't help wonder if rebuilding our friendship is the first step. Feel like my only options are to kick her off the cell phone plan, insurance, etc (probably should have done this when I asked her not to stay at the house or will come across as a harsh approach out of the blue) and reinforce my no friend stance or see if she's willing to interact as friends.
Have an appt with IC tomorrow and looking forward to his advice as well.
Another email last night basically asking my advise on her car situation. The monthly payment on her current vehicle is too high, regardless of what happens with us and she's mentioned selling it a few mos after BD, but what does she expect me to tell her? I don't even know how to respond (if at all)? I suppose both our names are on the title and we're paying for it out of our shared bank account, but why would she think I'd want to help her figure that out when she left me??? How much she/we can afford is obviously dependent on what happens with us, but she refuses to address that.
So IC said it sounds like I'm getting close to reaching my limit and that it sounds like eventually I'll need to issue an ultimatum to W as it doesn't sound like she's going to take any action. He suggested if I was going to give it a year, that I spend the next 3 mos being more aggressive in 'winning' her back. Suggested I extend invites to W and make it clear it's not to talk about R. That way, I'll have 3 mos to evaluate where her head is at. Opens me up to being hurt if she declines, but at least would give me insight into what she's thinking.
"So IC said it sounds like I'm getting close to reaching my limit and that it sounds like eventually I'll need to issue an ultimatum to W as it doesn't sound like she's going to take any action. "
You already gave her an ultimatum when you told her you were going to file for D when she went to the OM's hometown. Start the paperwork and don't pay any attention to her.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
You have got to listen to these vets on here Tarheel. If you set an ultimate and not stick to it, she will know she can roll over you. I know it's hard but listen to Bond my friend.
You already gave her an ultimatum when you told her you were going to file for D when she went to the OM's hometown. Start the paperwork and don't pay any attention to her.
I did, but it was in the heat of the moment and I don't think I'm 100% ready to give up just yet. So I either file for D because I said I was going to and risk her going along with it, or risk coming across as weak by backing down from my ultimatum.
I'm not questioning the DB approach by any means (trust me- I would not be where I am today without it and can't thank this board enough), but I do see IC's point in if I feel I'm getting to the point of being done, maybe I try these last couple mos inviting W to things (no R talk, just friendly communication). I guess I see it as kind of an 'if we're done, what's it hurt' type move. It's a risky move because it opens myself up to being hurt should she decline and also goes against what I've been told on here, but it also could help give me the answer to if she's just biding her time and wanting me to make the move towards D.
Mr Bond, I wouldn't be pondering this decision so much if I didn't value your thoughts as much as I do. Talk to me (Sandi, you too)...
