So it's been a bit confusing, especially with how to act. I'm acting upbeat and always very positive, and trying to avoid making "mistakes" while at the same time standing up for myself. I've checked my intel. Seems communication has dropped but I can't say totally, and my W has no interest in R with me now. She seems to have cooled on the L right now. But time will tell.
Sandi, I'd love your input with respect to what Wonka was asking at the end of my last thread. Any advice would be welcome from your prospective. Thanks so much.
Stay steady and remain low-level blimp on the radar. Seems that the slingshot you've fired at W had an effect...somewhat. We'll find out eventually.
Sandi,
Here are the questions carried over from the previous thread.
Sandi,
From your perspective and experience as a former WAW with EXOM, what would you advise Dev to do and NOT to do in the next coming few weeks? What were some of the things that you think would work better?
What made you take the step to really finally end things with your XOM? What was your mindset like during that particular time? What were some of the critical things that your H did that aided in the process (or did not do)?
I think having your insight would be very, very helpful to Dev as it seems that his W is on the cusp of ending her A with the OM.
I meant to port those over, but I forgot. Makes life a lot easier. Laying low and low on the radar level is exactly what I'm doing. It's my D birthday today, and I'm taking the kids out for dinner, W asked if she could come. I said if she would like, because I think it's nice for my D. I think that's fine. I don't want a special day for my D affected by her parent's problems. Hope that wasn't the wrong call?
I think in my case H has been ending, or trying to end the R with OW for quite a while. It's a tough process, especially for the LBS! H and I are reconnecting quite a bit now but it's been 4 months since D-day and when he supposedly ended it with OW (I suspect things may have continued on some level since D-day but slowly declining). He is SO uncertain about me, which is also tough, but I'm trying to stick to working on ME and being the wife that he would be a fool to leave. At the very least I know I will have done everything I could to save things and ultimately, I will be a super fantastic significant other to *someone*.
Stay the course, you are awesome at this DBing thing, you can do it!
M: 42 H: 43 M: 8 years S7 and D4 H has D19 and S25 from previous M Bomb: 3/6/14 OW discovered, EA & PA 1st separation, 10 days, decided to reconcile & moved back in. Fail 2nd separation: 5/1/14
Thanks for dropping in! I'm pulling for you to continue to succeed. It's nice to watch others at that stage. Yes, it's very difficult for sure. My W had the kids last night, and she asked me to come in and chat with her, but I demurred, as I had some GAL that I had to do. Took everything I had to not change my plans
Apparently it was a rough night, and then this AM was even worse. Typically I call to say goodnight and good morning to the kids. She's finding this irritating.
She texted me this AM to let me know she has decided to keep the OM in her life, but she's not sure in what capacity. I haven't responded yet, because I had an appointment with IC. I don't control what she does and what she chooses anyways. Then, she was late for drop off and broke down, calling the kids "wretched and despicable". I can't handle hearing that. Who does that in front of their own kids?
And then it hit me. Someone in a very bad place, hurting, feeling horrible about their own abilities and parenting abilities. We all have bad days, but anytime she has the kids, it's like this. This is the place my W is in right now. She needs to get better, whether that is with me or without me.
I didn't get mad or upset about her freaking out and changing the times etc. She apologized a bit later, saying sorry by text, and then saying she was at her tipping point. I acknowledged that must feel horrible, and offered to take the kids. And that was that.
I need to address the OM continued contact. But I truly feel that it is diminishing anyways. However, we will be marching down one pathway with me being the best father, and person I can be. Whether at some point that means spouse as well, will have to be determined.
I truly need to keep the focus on me. Two things I am confused about though. Why did she tell me she's keeping the OM in her life, is she testing me? And the other is I truly think she needs help with the kids. I hope she realizes this herself. I keep fighting the urge to protect my kids and not rescue her. It's a tough battle.
I'm not so sure that you need to address the OM continued contact. You already did, right? In the letter you said that as long as he's in the picture you won't be friends with her.
I think it's always right to do whatever is in the best interests of the kids, I would offer help with them but don't know if that aligns with DBing principles or not.
M: 42 H: 43 M: 8 years S7 and D4 H has D19 and S25 from previous M Bomb: 3/6/14 OW discovered, EA & PA 1st separation, 10 days, decided to reconcile & moved back in. Fail 2nd separation: 5/1/14
That's what confused me a little bit. Was she telling me because she was conflicted, wanted to see how much she could cake eat? I know it's all mind reading, but I am curious.
With respect to the kids, I offered and she accepted, and I'm fine with that. I agree, best interest of the kids. Perhaps I rescued her, but they are already dealing with enough.
Why did she tell me she's keeping the OM in her life, is she testing me?
As hard as it is (especially for a "rescuer"), something I've REALLY been learning lately - through my own life and listening to some friends who are in tough times with their partners - is that it's best sometimes just to hear EXACTLY what they're saying. And don't read anymore into it at all.
She told you she's keeping the OM in her life because, frankly, she's decided to keep the OM in her life (in *some* capacity) for now. Nothing else matters for YOU - and your previously-stated boundaries - except that.
And I agree with mdu: you've already handled the continued-contact-with-OM issue. Boundaries, as Starsky says, are *weakened* if/when they're repeated. No need to "handle" anything in regard to OM right now.
You just keep plugging away and doing what you've been doing. While you may not be seeing the improvements you are hoping for in your relationship, I honestly believe your W now knows you're not a doormat and you are standing for your family.
Think of how stable that looks to her right now. Is it any wonder she's out there, twisting and miserable? Her life is a disaster right now. But she looks at you, and you're stable. And consistent. You're leading your family. THAT is awfully attractive, especially if/when your W sits back and looks at what a disaster she has created in her own life.
I am very sorry to hear what she said about your kids in front of them. I cannot imagine how difficult that was for any of you to hear. But I *can* imagine how difficult it is to watch a spouse turn into an alien and turn his/her back on the children. It absolutely defies logic. Makes no sense at all for a person to turn like that. But it's just where they are. We can have compassion, but we have to continue to protect our kids and assure them they're loved through and through.
Your love, consistency, stability and leadership is the absolute best thing you can give your kids right now.
You're doing great.
Keep standing firm. You da man.
M: 40 H: 44 Married 14 years S11 & D6; D20 & D19 from previous M 2BDs/PAs, 8 years apart Piecing: April 2014
Very true, take it for what it is. One of the things I'm also working on is staying present in the moment, rather than going backwards to the past, or forwards to the future.
I'm working on that, but it's challenging. But all of this is challenging, so really, what's the big deal?
