igit new post newbie needs help

[labug]

"She is definitely in mlc."

What does that mean to you?

[igit]

A much better father. As far as how do I know. On this DB site there Is a list of signs that After reading is spot on to my wife. After lunch she asked about sermon. She asked so I told her It was about our society and kids , 1 third live with 1 parent. 80% in urban areas live with 1 parent. It is our job as christian families to teach our children those values. That's all I said then she followed me upstairs and I told her those principals are what I always thought she believed in. She got angry and said we are splitting up because she is unhappy. I know I should have walked away but my emotions got the better of me, I brought up her family and all problems D brought her growing up. Anyway before I left she calmed down and brought up I don't care about her unhappiness. I said I do and think as unhappy as she is its much deeper than just me and take some time away from each other before taking a step that will impact our family forever.

[igit]

Came home from cabin w boys tonight caught wife by surprise sneeking outside so 12d couldn't here her phone call. I jokingly asked if she was going to bathroom. We live in country and w would do that from time to time. I mentioned to her that kids were needing some more attention from her. They really are. She got defensive and said she couldn't with her mind being occupied with a D. I said this has been going on for last 7 months with kids and I just want you to know I can see it.. Then she got angry. I asked her who she was talking to when I got home. She said none of my business. She then said she was seeing someone. Got angry and asked her how she could do this. Can't she stop.she told me to get over it. One of boys came out to car and wanted water. I told her I would take care of him. She said she was going for a drive. When she got home 3 hrs later. I went to her room and said I can't allow this to be happening under families home. She needed to find an apartment tomorrow. I would help her move and we will tell kids this week. I need to stay strong for kids. W is trying to find happiness and when on her own she will see her unhappiness is following her. I just had to draw the line.

[pilot]

I hate to hear all of this igit. But it seems you are responding from an emotional position. You need to take a step back and even walk away before you say things. You should not have asked who she was talking to for one. You also seemed to have come across as 'guilting' her about the topic of the sermon and saying you thought it was her beliefs. She brought up that you do not care about her unhappiness because she has probably be screaming in her own way for a very long time she was unhappy and you just were not hearing it. All of us LBS missed the screams.

Believe me, I know how hard it is to find out your W is having an A. And how hard it is to live under the same roof. And I know what it is like to see your W spend less time with the kids in order to live her 'new' life. And we all want to draw a line in the sand. But once your emotions cool off, I think you will find a new perspective and realize what you are doing is not helping, but hurting you and any chance you have to repair your marriage.

I do not mean to jump on you. It is just I have been where you are now, and I have done the things you are doing, and I wish I could go back and undo them. I hope some others will chime in with some good advice for you as well.

Best of luck to you my friend.

[topgunmb]

I have to agree with pilot - a lot of what I have read sounds like emotional responses. That's only natural, but in what I have read on the forums and experienced myself, you have to fight those emotional responses because 9 times out of 10, it's only going to drive her further away.

I'm confused as to why you would ask her to leave. I would love to have my W still in the home. That seems like an emotional knee jerk reaction. You have the opportunity for her to see you making the changes while she is there.

A good thought might be to leave the kids out of it. Don't use them as ammo against her. I initially did that and it only made things worse. I would say things like "the kids are starting to ask questions why x" or "the kids really miss you..." Now that I look at it, that only furthered her feelings of animosity toward me and in a way them too. They were reminders of me and at that moment, I was her lightning rod of hate. Ultimately, she did love them, but whatever squirrels that were running around in her head at that time were sending mixed signals. She has since changed a great deal in her attitude toward them.

You mentioned in a previous post that you wanted to live a Christian life and started reading the Bible. Have you read John chapter 8? This is the chapter where the scribes and Pharisees bring a woman to Jesus who had been accused of adultery. His response to them was "He that is without sin among you, let him first cast a stone at her." At which point, they turned and left, knowing that they too were not perfect. Jesus then forgave the woman and bade her to go and sin no more.

I don't mean to give a Sunday lesson here. I share this because there have been many times with my W, I have had to ask myself, what is the Christlike thing to do? His was always to act with love. I missed Christmas with my kids this past year because I chose to help my wife get her car out of impound and pay for 31 parking tickets. When all was said and done, I had spent $5600, preventing me from buying a plane ticket to join them in Minnesota. It just felt like it was the Christlike thing to do even though it tore me up inside to know I wouldn't be spending Christmas with my kids. She knows how important Christmas to me is and it made her think more than she had in 6 months. I feel that it was that experience that turned the corner for her in terms of how she was treating me.

You are faced with a situation where you know an A has happened. You have every right to be angry about that. But express that anger here and in prayer. When you pray, might I suggest that instead of asking for her to be fixed or forgiven, pray that you may have the patience, love, and strength to make it through. Pray for your children.

[topgunmb]

I'm starting to ramble on here, but ultimately, you have to find a way to nip that knee jerk reaction and you have to let go. It's SO hard to do and even when you think you have, something happens where you realize that you truly haven't. From what I can see, it's something that most here are still working on. Don't ask her who she's talking to/texting/going out to see/where she's been/etc. If she wants to tell you, she'll tell you. It's hard to not ask those questions, but the more you do it, the easier it becomes. Does it hurt? Heck yeah, but you can make it through it. Your mind wants to go all sorts of horrible places, but it helps to find some things that will occupy your mind. Hangout with your kids, play some music and bust out the ol' air guitar and air drums. Whatever you do, you have to find the strength to stop caring what she is doing when she leaves or who she is with.

Anyway, I'd say that's my $.02, but that may have been a $1's worth there.

[igit]

Thanks for post. I have done all this out of emotions. I hate to see her so unhappy! She has been talking about she cant stand living in our house anymore. first wanting an apartment 6months ago, She said either an apt. or divorce. Then that died down and she wanted me to get an apt. saying it would be an easier transition for kids. I have told her since day 1 that I was not leaving our home. I know I need to take a chill pill and try to take emotions out. I also have told her I cant help with a D. Reading post from Michelle on MLC she said don't help with D> If she wanted one she would have filed by now. I cant help her with it! Its a matter of her feeling the consequences of what she is doing to her self and the family. I am going to try and walk a quieter path. I just feel like sitch is just getting worse at home with kids. D12 knows something is not right with us. She is scared and was all excited she set up sat. night for mom and dad to go out! I wish I could here from MR BOND on this.

[igit]

Before I left for work I stopped in and told her I didn't want her to leave. it was her home as well as mine. I told her it wasn't right for me to judge her. I have sinned in my life and who am I to judge her. She made the comment you are trying to live like Jesus and thanked me. I am trying!

[igit]

It' was a great day. Was group leader at kids bible camp tonight. Wife was polite , touched me on shoulderas even said good night. She will probably come in and ask me about D. Can't I guy catch one night of peace.

[pilot]

You can catch lots of peace. Quit dwelling on what she MAY or MAY NOT do. Focus on what you can do for yourself. If she comes in to ask about the D, then she does. No point in worrying about it until she does it. In that space of time, you have your peace