KGirl - post-move

[labug]

K, take some pictures with you and every Elvis impersonator you see to post to your fb. I think that would be a complete 180 for you.

[vossy]

KGirl, it sounds like you definitely piqued his interest.. and that he wanted you to know he knew. Good work

[KGirl]

LOL - labug, it's funny how you know that would be a 180 without ever having met me in person I generally try to ignore/avoid the street performers. A woman did take a picture of me when I was on the new observation wheel on the Strip because I was "too cute to not have a picture taken," apparently! I did post that one to fb and got comments about it, as well as some other pictures of the strip and of food (I like to take pictures of good-looking food!). My "core" people (the ones who know about H and I and are very supportive) liked all of my pics and commented on them, so I felt like I was sharing the experience with them even though they weren't there.

Overall: GREAT trip! No regrets. Well, besides not putting on enough sunscreen at the pool, and maybe eating and drinking a bit too much. My skin, tummy, and feet are not feeling so great - I vow to only drink water and eat only vegetables and fruit for the next few days I saw Blue Man Group and the new Cirque de Soleil show, Zarkana. The second one highlighted the perks of traveling solo - I paid for a balcony seat but was placed in the second row when I picked up my ticket because there was a single spot to fill! Ate at some buffets, had drinks by the pool, went to happy hour, walked around, shopped for kitschy stuff, did the CSI Experience (I solved my crime, btw!) saw the Bellagio fountains. Rarely did I feel out of place by myself or lonely. There were a couple of people that pointed out that fact to me ("Where are your friends? Why are you here alone??") but I just ignored them I found that if you strike up a conversation with someone at the bar or the pool, they'll talk back, and the conversations are always interesting.

vossy - yes, it was very curious that he came out of the woodwork for a bit! I will admit I feel a little hopeful that he noticed what I was doing and wished me well... though I don't want to get my hopes or expectations up too much.

I only cried once during the trip (which doesn't sound like much of a goal, but I kinda thought it'd happen more often!). One of the mornings my mom texted me to let me know H's grandfather's obituary was in the paper. He died last week Friday. On the positive side, I was listed as H's wife in the "survived by" section, though that may not mean anything beyond H hasn't told extended family on that side what's going on. What made me sad was that H did not send me anything about it or let me know that it happened. I'm trying not to think too much of it, because to be honest, I don't know that H even thought it was important, much less important enough to share. H's immediate family and those grandparents are estranged - they weren't invited to our wedding, I never went to a family function with them, and they were basically a non-entity in H's life. But it still hurts that he didn't think to share something important like that with me. I texted him to let him know I heard and that I was sorry. He wrote back thanks, that he appreciated the thought, but that he wasn't all that affected by it because his grandfatehr "didn't really mean anything to him." Even though it wasn't important to him, it's a reminder to me of how the more time passes, the more moments and milestones we're missing out on in each other's lives that we can't get back if we were to R - I feel like there has to come a point where it will just be too much to overcome.

[KGirl]

Now that vacation is over and I'm back to reality, my mental gears are turning again about all this and wondering how this all happened. H said right before I left that he explained it to me and wasn't going to repeat himself, but his explanations were things he had never shared before BD and are things that we could have easily talked about and fixed had I known (more sex, more appreciation, to name a few)... but I didn't know, and honestly, I didn't see any warning signs that he was THAT unhappy or cries for help before that. There's a pattern here of H running away, then coming back, and I'm starting to think I should have seen those as warning signs, rather than positive signs ("He came back again, so he must really love me and this will all work out!"). I'm not sure what the patterns mean - fear of commitment? Need for freedom and adventure? Indecisiveness? Here's what I mean when I say pattern (this is going to be a bit long as I try to work it all out and recount it):

Fall of freshman year of college (2004): H dumps me because he's attracted to some girls in his Spanish class and wants to see if it will go anywhere. He emails them asking to hang out, they both decline and say he had the "wrong idea." A week later he comes back, says that was dumb of him, we get back together.

Fast forward to fall of senior year of college: We're now leaving together in a 1 bedroom apartment, just us (the year before we had another roommate and separate rooms). Around November he tells me randomly before we're about to fall asleep that he doesn't want to be with me anymore, that he doesn't want to just be with one person and that he needs to see what else is out there. He started a part-time job in September and became fast friends with a guy he worked with - a guy who went out every Thursday/Friday/Saturday night, was single, and fit the definition of "player" pretty well. From that point forward we had an off-again/on-again sort of thing.. we'd be "broken up" but then go out to the bars together, go out eat, whatever...it was hard to really be broken up because we lived together. In January I started looking into other apartments and he wrote me a long e-mail saying that maybe I shouldn't do it, we could figure this out, etc. I didn't do it, but then nothing changed. Graduation in May came, we were still broken up, and he moved back home (an hour away) with his parents because it was closer to the job he had found. I was still on campus because I went straight to grad school in the fall, lived on my own.

The following fall (almost a year after this break-up): we start talking more long-distance, visit each other every weeks... then decide we are "back together" sometime in October/November. H gets a new job (the one he'll have for the next 4 years) in this city and he moves back in December. In January/February we talk about me moving into his apartment in May and me subletting my apt. to my sister for the summer. In March I start talking about when to move, and he says "I'm not actually sure I want you to move in yet," which sends things into a tailspin again. I end up staying in my apartment for the summer. We talk again at the beginning of the summer about me moving in at the end of my lease in August, and I tell him I'm not comfortable committing to moving in again with him unless I know we're getting engaged, because I've been burned too many times by him going back on what he says. He says that's no problem, he fully intends for us to get married, etc.

August: I move in! Things seem fine. But come November/December I start asking about what's next, when are we getting engaged, etc. He says he isn't sure yet. I say "what do you mean, you're not sure? You promised me this would be the next step and you were ready when I moved in." I started questioning his commitment to me...

February (now we're in 2010): He proposes! I'm happy, and I assume he's happy. We get married summer 2011. Buy a house in the fall of 2012. Everything seems to be fine now and settled....until December 2013 when he drops the bomb on me. But this time, there's a lot more at stake than just "breaking up," and he had already made a commitment for life, or so I thought. Another factor at play: in April 2013 he got a new job - he had started to really hate the one he'd been in for the past 4 or so years. In this new job he had a lot more free time to talk with coworkers, eat lunch out, less stress in general at work, etc. He became good friends with a 60 year old single guy who is incredibly disrespectful to women and very crude. I can't help but think it's more of the same from back in college when he met his "player" friend at work. Oh, and then there's that little thing of falling for a married woman at his work this past fall who is "more compatible" with him than me.

So what does it all I mean... I don't know exactly, but it doesn't seem good. There's this ongoing cycle of breaking up because he needs to see the world or whatever, then getting back together when it's not what he thought it would be, then breaking up again when he's tired of this. What I do know is I'd have to see SOMETHING big, and I'm not sure what, to believe he'd really be committed this time if we got back together - otherwise I'll be living the next umpteen years wondering when he's going to leave again. All those times before I was heavily pursuing him, so at least this time I'm doing a big 180 by stepping way back, so that he'll have to come find me if he wants back in. If anyone has any insights that are clearer from outside the situation, please let me know!

[Maybell]

I don't want to be hurtful, but I am going to be straightforward.

You are his perpetual Plan B.

You deserve better.

Let him go and don't let him drag you back. There are great guys out there who will commit for real.

DATE. Don't move in. No matter how in love you are. This includes with your H.

And don't ever, ever let anyone treat you so casually.

You are worth more than you've been willing to accept.

[pilot]

^^^^ Maybell said what I was thinking. The pattern is too clear and too well established. At some point in his future he MAY see the error of his ways with you, but I hope by then you are firmly entrenched in a loving lifelong relationship.

[labug]

Hey K, we can never be 100% sure anyone is committed to anything. Never.

The antidote to that is, we learn where happiness comes from and we learn to ride the waves.

[Georgiabelle]

K Girl,

I'm glad you had a great trip. Sounds like you relaxed and had FUN!!!!

It does sound like you've been in a cycle with your h, and honestly unless he really does a deep dive on himself, nothing will change. And I agree LaBug, while nothing is ever 100% except death and taxes, the wondering when your h bolts will be in your mind.

I want to be clear that I am not a physician/therapist/ psychologist, etc although I have a degree in a related field, I have simply realized some folks will never be happy. They don't know what happiness is and will always be looking. Those people will be content or convinced they are *okay *for a while until.....,. Whatever sets them in search of those ever elusive greener pastures. Notice how they never give away trips on game shows to that place?

You will be okay. In fact, I'm pretty sure you will be great:)

[KGirl]

Thanks, all, for your thoughts and advice. When I read the perpetual plan B part... that was hard... which tells me that there's some truth to it. And to be honest, that's the hardest part of "standing" for my M. Do I really want to be the back-up plan after he checks out the grass on the other side and decides maybe it's not actually greener? I want to be someone's plan A, not their plan B (I feel like there is some cutesy quote about that but can't remember what it is). H did say before I left that he was the "type of person who's always looking for the next best thing," whether it's the latest phone, video game console, job, and now apparently partner. I swear if a cute girl so much as looks at him and he has some time to think about it, he has to go chase after her. He just never had time in his old job to see who was around because they worked him so hard (he works in the same building now, just under a different person). So, at least he has some insight... who knows whether he'll actually dig into that and realize that's not going to be a happy way to live life. And think about what that says about his self-esteem, that he has to have the newest or most attractive or most expensive thing or "win" at something to feel fulfilled. He's also always been a very competitive person, loves competitive sports (and fantasy sports... and online poker... and video games... basically anything he can "win" at) and I never really understood what the drive was to be #1 all the time.

If we can't trust anyone to be committed to us... what's the point? I mean, right now I kinda feel like I don't ever want to get married again, much less have kids with someone, because they could just up and leave me any day. Why bother? My H said multiple times after BD "better to have loved and lost than never loved at all" which I thought was a completely BS justification of why this was all OK... I just don't feel right now like there's any truth to that statement.

[labug]

You have grown so much!

If we can't trust anyone to be committed to us... what's the point? I mean, right now I kinda feel like I don't ever want to get married again, much less have kids with someone, because they could just up and leave me any day. Why bother? My H said multiple times after BD "better to have loved and lost than never loved at all" which I thought was a completely BS justification of why this was all OK... I just don't feel right now like there's any truth to that statement.

This will make more sense as time goes on. Right now today, you don't have to get married again, or want to get married again.

You have no idea what the future holds.

Slow down and live today, without expectations. Let the future take care of itself.

The truth to H's statement might be in my first sentence.