How am I doing this ?

[dawgy]

Last night was a mess . i didnt get any sleep . The sexual deprivement is really rough . Its been 5 weeks since shes been sexual with me and she seemed to initiate some contact in bed . I got excited and made a subtle move and got shut down .Stupid stupid > I payed for it all night and couldnt sleep . I dont know if shes teasing me or WTF . She was ok this morning though . I tried to pretend like nothing happened .

[justwok]

dawgy,

I wanted to say, in response to your earlier posts, that it may just be that you're not in a place yet where you're ready to put the focus on yourself. If so, that's fine; I don't think you can force yourself there. In the meantime, it seems like you know (at least in theory) that trying to practice detachment, and to get a life, are the best means of not making anything worse. As you wrote on 7/10,

"There seems to be little i can do except detach and try to stay attractive to her." Add in getting a life, and I think you've got a solid foundation, the practice of which is hard enough as it is.

In the meantime, I don't think you can rely on her statements now in order to get an accurate read on what the problems were in the past. You mention that "Ive asked her and she said I did nothing... She said she just wasnt feelin it anymore . She loved me but wasnt in love with me." As others have said, this is classic WAW/MLC talk, and it is not a source of useful information for you.

Also, you're correct that "its pretty hard to be feeling it for me or still be in love with me when theres someone else in the Picture." But YOU cannot accomplish anything useful by trying to point that out to her, because as you also note, "she is in total fog."

So for now, it seems like it's a hard enough, but suitable task for you to focus, a day at a time, on practicing detachment and getting a life. These are incredibly difficult tasks on their own, but you can master them (even though you'll fall off the wagon, occasionally).

Once you do, maybe it will be easier for you to effectively turn the lens on yourself, in order to review your history together and find out what it is that you need to work on. Because in the long run, even if you can't (or decide you don't want to) repair this relationship, you want to avoid a repeat of the same behaviors, attitudes and interactions in any future relationships (yet another reason to avoid adding another one now, even though getting validation from someone else can *seem* like such a nice thing).

[dawgy]

So let me get this straight .... I should not try to find out the status of the affair , because if i do she might find out i was snooping and then back to square one , and i might not like what i find out < correct ? But what if I find out something good ? Wouldnt that be beneficial to my well being and to the sitch ?

[MrBond]

Have you actually read the DB or DR?

[dawgy]

Reading DR . And why do you keep asking ? Arent we supposed to be supportive here ?

[MrBond]

First off, it's not doing you any favors being snappy.

I ask because whatever advice I and others are going to give you are primarily going to be based on the book. So if you didn't read the book we need to know so the advice makes sense to you.

In fact, much of what you're asking is addressed in the book, so I'm not sure what you're asking for. If you're looking for validation to see if what you're doing in terms of the A is going to be "correct", that's not what you're going to get. Ultimately it's your choice on what to do. Every situation is different.

[Gotan74]

My W is not cheating but we still sleep in the same bed when she is at home. I don't know how to act either, is she waiting for me to act first what. I said I would sleep on the couch and she said no what are you suppose to do about that?

[PeterV2]

Dawgy, I know it's very tempting to reciprocate when she cuddles and then try to take it to the next stage. That used to work when you were originally dating and when you were happily married. Things are different now. You cannot expect sex. If you were to read His Needs Her Needs by Willard Harley (very educational - you can also watch Willard on YouTube) you'll see that women want to cuddle. Men want to have sex. It was my mistake throughout my marriage to interpret my wife's cuddling as a green light to have sex. This is not the case. Especially now since the marriage as you knew it is over.

Yes your marriage as you've known it is over. You have to face that. What you need to do is change yourself. Then maybe you can reconnect with your W, and only then can you create a new path to a new marriage.

I even said to my wife, "I don't want this marriage to continue. I don't want a divorce. I want a new marriage, a new relationship". She acknowledged that. But she hasn't stepped up to the plate yet. That'll take time.

As for snooping, it really does us no good. I did it a few times and even confronted the OM but then W drove up and joined us. Not a pretty scene. You have to let the A run its course. As MWD says most affairs don't last. My W's lasted about 15 months. And even now I'm not 100% sure it's NC. But at least she's not sleeping with him anymore (I don't think). Still, I haven't been snooping so I don't know for sure. But she tells me it's over. Then again she could be lying. She's been lying to me for over a year. See what I mean? Thinking about the A will drive you crazy.

I just need to work on myself, GAL, be happy and independent. Hopefully one day soon she will come to me and ask to reconcile. It's a long, long path but it's the path I'm on. It's the path we're all on.

As for sexual fulfillment, don't expect it from her. It may not even be safe if she's in a PA. Who knows the health of the OM. I would just recommend that you take that matter into your own hand if you know what I mean. It may be a long time before you can expect a health sexual relationship with your W again. That will come after reconciliation, which is still a long ways off.

Just hang in there dawgy. Keep DBing and keep reading. Time to educate yourself. You are your own teacher. Take the time that she's given you now to improve yourself. To become the husband only a fool would leave.

[Riley]

Dawgy,

Remember, an alien still is controlling your W. You may "see" the real her for brief moments but the alien is still running that ship.

Don't best yourself up either, you're in control of each and every action you do. Always strive to be in the best shape wearing the best clothes you can around the W. She needs to kick the alien out and WANT to come back, that is her job.

Pick up some hobbies and hit those hobbies immediately if you start getting frustrated like you did last night.

You can do this.

[dawgy]

Hey yall , Things are still up and down in my corner . I think the W is playing me alot .Shes been very distant the last few weeks and i have evidence of her seeing another man other than the one shes been having A with . Which is good in a way , It shows me that shes not in love with other man >however this new guy is divorced which could be bad for us > The other guy was married . To be honest she is really out in left field . lol shes acting like a spoiled teenager alot of the time . The fog is very very thick and I feel she is far gone . I wonder if I have the power to stay through this . A month ago I was completely committed to holding strong but as each day goes by I see no change to my benefit and each day i feel betrayed more and more and it hurts more and more > To complicate things Ive met a woman in the same sitch and she is very nice and very attractive and she wants to get together for coffee and talk . As if I need anymore complications .

My detachment only goes as far as being away all day at work but then I see W at supper time then I GAL until midnight then come home and go to sleep . Im seeing her for 10 mins in morning , 20 mins at supper and bout 10 mins at night .She still rolls back the blankets for me to get into bed , she still makes my coffee in the morning . What gives ?? She s so very messed up I wish i could help her but really i want to see her hurt the way I do . Saturday night she said she was going out so i said where and with who ( I know not good DBing )she said it didnt matter and I said I didnt want her to go . She said she wanted to tell the kids everything but I believe this to be a bluff to get her own way because she knows i will do anything to have them not find out and be crushed by this . So i said see ya < go have you fun .But what if i had said go ahead and tell them , im almost certain its a bluff and she would chicken out . It seems like a game now between us , who plays what card to win their hand until the next game . Shes using the secrecy of the kids not finding out to get her own way . But theres just enough of a chance that she would tell them that I cave in . I believe sooner or later Im gonna say go ahead < I ll call her bluff .

I believe in this wayward fog thing big time . I never seen somebody change so much so fast > Shes lost her morals and her values

I believe in