This morning I feel numb. Everything thats been going on in my life seems ( not sure how to desrcibe it ) like theres no emotion involved in it . Im just going through the motions . She is still in volved with A but Im really out of touch with it because Ive detached from that part of her life .i have no idea how much she is seeing him or if they are still being physical , whether its getting deeper or shallower . I will admit that it is easier on the mind on some level not knowing whats going on but i feel very vulnerable not knowing what shes doing . How do you protect yourself and children if you dont know whats going on ?
Me 45 W 45 Son 16 Son 14 Married 23 together 27 W threatened sep several times W still at home A discovered Mar 17 2014 A ended DEC 2 ( skeptical )
No not even separated . Still sleeping in same bed , although its incredibly difficult . I dont know how to act . When you wife thinks shes in love with another man and is cheating lord knows how much , how are you supposed to act ?
Me 45 W 45 Son 16 Son 14 Married 23 together 27 W threatened sep several times W still at home A discovered Mar 17 2014 A ended DEC 2 ( skeptical )
I didn't stop sleeping with my H until he left me. I had my reasons, and I did some heavy duty compartmentalizing, but it was terrible for me. I don't think I got a good nights sleep for eight months. That exhaustion snowballed into how I treated him when we were awake and made things a lot worse.
The night after he left I slept like the dead. All but a handful of nights since then have been just as restful. If I had it to do over I would have booted him out then and there.
I'm not necessarily advocating a separation. But it sounds like a very healthy and helpful boundary for you would be to ask her to move into the guest room, if you have one, while she's involved in the affair. A transparency plan would be necessary for you to let her back into the marital bed.
Of course I defer to any vets who have an opinion. But you can't be detached in your sleep. Sleep is for rebuilding the strength to do that.
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
Do you mind putting together a signature line that describes your details? It's hard to keep track of people without it.
Yes, that was one of my rationalizations for not booting him sooner. I didn't want to hurt the kids if I thought the situation could be salvaged.
If I remember rightly, you are four months into knowing about a seven month long affair? This has now done an amount of damage that your kids are going to become aware of. There is no way to patch this enormous of a breach in the relationship without blowback leaving the two of you and hitting the people around you. The best you can do is minimize it.
I don't want to push you into something you're not ready or willing to do. But DBing is about doing what works, and this isn't. She's being incredibly disrespectful of you. Rest is a need, not a want, and no good will come of tolerating things as they are. Something must give. W won't, and OM won't.
I do wish the best for you.
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
I understand what you're saying about keeping it from the children. But it's got to be so hard to be sleeping in the same bed. I don't know how you do it.
I wonder--and vets please correct me-- that perhaps one of the "consequences" of her behavior is that YOU don't work to cover it up for her?
So, if she's sleeping on the couch, or moves out, it's incumbent upon HER to explain this to the kids and why that would be.
If she's really intent upon ending your M, it's only a matter of time anyway. Why all the pretense if she's really committed to "moving on"?
Hmmm.....
---GG
Me 54 Him 63 M 23 T 29 0 Kids Funny Farm of Rescues 12/12 OW-- 5/13 ILYBINILWY: A denied 9/13 Proof OW: ENDED 2/14 Got D papers on my BD I kicked him out for my sanity 9/14 He wants to "talk"?
Well, I'm no vet, but I'll weigh in on this topic. And I'll go way off into my detail, if only to give some perspective.
I still sleep in the same bed as my W, after discovering the PA in Dec. There is no doubt that it is disrespectful, and that doesn't help the situation.
In May, I made a point of removing her clothes from our closet, and asking her to leave the marital bedroom. But W has such a sense of entitlement, and no shame, and has convinced herself so thoroughly that she is the victim and I am the villain, that she refuses to leave it. The tiff ended up with an arrest for me and a large lawyer bill. (no kidding. all dismissed now.)
Could I repeatedly ask her leave the bed? Sure, until she goes down the "verbal harassment" line.
Unfortunately, a man has to be careful of a woman who has no problem calling the police. By all means you can tell her to leave the bed, but understand that you cannot make it happen.
So, we still sleep in the same bed. I am detached (mostly), so it really doesn't bother me. I sleep fine. W does not sleep well at all. She rolls, turns, occasionally sobs, and takes sleeping pills every night. She might sleep better in the guest room, but she refuses to lose ground in the house. There's no way I'm giving an inch, so there we are. Sadly, I do take some comfort in her sleeping badly, because it suggests that she is still conflicted. If she starts sleeping like a baby, I'll know we're really done.
"How do I act?" you asked. I told my W months ago that as long as there was an A, she had no business in the marital bedroom. I pretty much behave as if she weren't there. I don't go out of my way to provoke her, but if I want to watch TV, I do, and if I want the light on to read, I turn it on. She's usually asleep when I go to bed, and still asleep in the morning when I shower and dress. She always changes in the bathroom now, with the door closed. That's new.
Now by no means am I suggesting that I'm doing this the "right way". Yes, if she slept down the hall, that would have to be explained to the kids. She's not ready to say "I'm breaking up the family and dating other men.", and I'm not going to lie to the kids and cover for her, nor am I going to take the blame for a breakup as long as I'm working to DB. Impasse.
Me 54 Him 63 M 23 T 29 0 Kids Funny Farm of Rescues 12/12 OW-- 5/13 ILYBINILWY: A denied 9/13 Proof OW: ENDED 2/14 Got D papers on my BD I kicked him out for my sanity 9/14 He wants to "talk"?
I don't know about "better", GG. I find myself in a situation. I will cope, and I will survive, and I will do the best I possibly can for my kids. I used to be hung up on the bed thing back when I was trying to "force consequences" on W, but now, not so much.
