Advice Needed- setting boundaries

[Starsky309]

Sam, I actually think that you handled the conversation extremely well. You made your points, you did so without accusation or anything more than an authentic amount of righteous anger, and -- as others have noted -- with that all being said, now you should DROP IT.

If he flat out lies to your face, you should certainly put your hand up and say "Please stop it -- we both know you're lying to me right now," and make that a personal boundary, but there's no reason now to keep having this same conversation with him now that you've spoken your peace.

Well done.


Starsky

[Sam3]

Thanks MLP. And I saw some similarities with my story and yours.

If anyone else feels like I might push him into making this a permanent decision; he has been coming home every weekend. But since I told him he was free to leave & it might be best for a while, he said I could have kids July 4 weekend that he would not come home. And we could start only coming home every other weekend.

Is this forcing him into making a permanent decision? I feel like we need some space. I need to detach more without playing family every weekend like normal while he is with someone else during the week.

I was thinking tough love is a better option in my stitch because my husband has never had any boundaries. Thoughts???

[pilot]

The one thing about affairs is you have to let them play out. You can not do anything to stop your H. They are addictive in nature and like a drug addict needing his fix, you standing in the way is going to make him angry with you. It is terribly unfair to you, but that is how it is. The sooner the affair fizzles out the sooner he will wake up and realize what he has done. The 'honeymoon' period cannot last forever.

[Jessa]

Keep 180'ing


I want you to 180 like the 180 is your child and you are helping that child grow.

STOP engaging him. I want you to forget about that phone and email.

I drove myself crazy for years with my husband's phone/email crap and robbed myself of joy. And I was a piece of crap, half-way mother as a result!

You need to work on you.

Volunteer, go to church, rock a dress! Put on makeup Every Day.

You will start to feel better once you start to focus on you and respect how Awesome You Are! You rock! You deserve happiness and giddy laughter and fun!

I want you to do something right away:

Go take a wonderful shower, do your hair, shave those wonderful legs and rock some makeup. Don't use your kiddos routine as an excuse. My son is autistic and a self-injurious one at that.
But I make time. Even if he has to sit outside the bathroom door while I get ready.

I bet you are amazing! Treat yourself like you are!

[Starsky309]

The one thing about affairs is you have to let them play out. You can not do anything to stop your H. They are addictive in nature and like a drug addict needing his fix, you standing in the way is going to make him angry with you. It is terribly unfair to you, but that is how it is. The sooner the affair fizzles out the sooner he will wake up and realize what he has done. The 'honeymoon' period cannot last forever.

And like all addictions, they tend to ESCALATE before crashing and burning. A lot of damage can be done as they do, which is why it's best to enforce healthy boundaries.


Starsky

[Sam3]

Thanks Everyone for the responses.

We talked Thursday night about what we were going to sign, I told him that I would agree to signing a calendar so we have some consistency and I can do things with the children on the weekends too.

He said he thought we should go ahead & file for divorce and streamline the visitation and divorce together. He said we can always " pull the plug on the divorce later, if we did not want that." He said "this isnt going back together with us like I thought it would." Not trying to mind read here but I think it's because I have always been so passive and he's basically done whatever he wants.
I told him I really did not want to do that right now. He said we could get an attorney together & I could make a list of what I wanted. I explained that people generally don't use the same attorney, but that I did not want to talk about that right now.

I have a 3 month old baby with some serious medical issues. I asked him stability for all of our children is best right now. And especially baby so he can get more medically stable.
I feel like I got drug into another relationship talk with this. I told him he initially said 4 or 5 weeks ago that he would keep things the same for 6 months bills wise. So I told him take your 6 months. That I really need to focus on baby medical issues and get him to a better place physically. I will be taking baby to another specialist in the next 4-6 weeks.

I did ask what his two issues are- 1. He felt like he should have had more of a say in deciding if & when we had baby #3.
2. That after we went to marriage counseling 4 years ago after baby #2 was born that not much has changed. We went to marriage counseling for about 3 months.
He said he recognizes that at that time his drinking was out of control and he was verbally abusive. Which is all true. He said he had made those changes and still does not see a big difference in who I am.

He also said that he was not going to live the rest of his life with me thinking he is a liar, and having this brought up forever. (See previous post where I posted our text messages)

I tried to validate his feelings and that he had made changes in the past few years. He says he feels like things have changed so much since we had kids. That our sex life isn't spontaneous anymore. He says I'm not the same as I was 5 years ago.

Friday night we printed out a calendar and he will come back to our home Fri night - Sun nights every other weekend. I was a little upset when we signed the calendar. And he says to me "this is what you wanted, this is what you are going to get."


From bomb drop until now he has still been coming home every weekend. Being distant but not rude. Sleeping in guest room.

Because I know the situation with OW, I really felt like he was cake eating. I was still doing dinners, baths, kids ready for bed etc.

I feel like I may have made the decision to do every other weekend based on emotions. But I feel like I needed it for my own sanity & to help me detach. I really hate it for my kids.

I can't play family with someone every weekend in front of my kids when he is living another life.


So this past weekend was his weekend with kids.

I went away to the beach for the weekend with the baby. Before I left, I told him I wasn't sure this was the right way to handle things. (I was a bit emotional about leaving my kiddos.) He responded that he didnt feel there was a right or wrong way to handle divorce.
Last Sunday he told me he wasn't sure things were over with us.
I'm so confused. I know that he knows I will wait for him.

I know that DB is about me. And I am really working hard on digging into some issues in the marriage and things I can 180.

Over the weekend I realized that I have been a bit cold & probably bitchy to him.
I became resentful of what I was sacrificing and what he was doing. He is out to dinner every night. Always at concerts, fishing trips etc.
And then other previous events that let doubts about honesty creep in.

I have stayed home to raise our children, 3 hours away.

My emotional needs were not being met. We have major communication issues and I feel very controlled by money.

Backstory on money is my husband makes very good money, he pays all the bills, he has his own bank accounts that I don't even have access to see.
He writes me a weekly allowance check which I deposit into our joint account for groceries, target, kids clothes & my cell phone bill. He has me budgeted down to the dollar. I never worried about it because I trusted him and we always had money. Now I'm not sure I trust anything about him. I started looking into finances and last week alone he spent $500 on a cell phone, $600 concert tickets, $150+ dinner two nights, and various miscellaneous purchases. And this isn't on a credit card this is coming out of his
Checking account. His dinner for one night is what he gives me for groceries for me & 3 kids for the week & him to eat when he is here on weekends.

I've always known he was quite selfish about money & he definitely views everything as his. I worked and had a career up until we had our first child when we decided I should stay home with our children. That was 6 years ago.

I also finally spoke to one of his good friends wives. They got divorced last year over some stuff that happened with her husband & my husband. I don't know all the details. I know they were at a strip club & her husband basically hired one of the girls for prostitution. My husband says he had nothing to do with that and he was just at the strip club. This happened in the town where my husband works all week. This was not acceptable to me at all. But I believed his story of "we got drunk & just decided to go." I see now that I have been doing rug sweeping of his behavior. Well in talking to friends ex wife, she tells me today that she wanted me to know that she did not know how involved my husband was in the prostitute thing but she does know of another friend of hers who said when her husband and my husband were out one night- that my husband was "blowing her phone up."
I'm not sure I want to be married to a serial cheater. Although my husband has always been flirtatious; I know him well enough to know that women don't really mean much to him. I have known him since he was 21. He has no prob getting rid of girlfriends.

All in all, I guess I'm trying to put a puzzle together to find out if some of these things are deal breakers for me & if I should DB to improve myself and save my marriage or walk away with my head held high.

I do have joy in my heart and my life. My circumstances right now don't make me happy. I have a new baby that I'm so thankful that he lived. And our other 2 kids are so fun. I think I'm planning on doing a bar-b-q at my house for july 4. Have a few things planned with other mom friends. I'm okay with him being away because he has worked out of town for 2 years, so in a lot if ways I feel like I do have my own life too. Although I'm not seeing other men.

I can do the work to resolve my issues in the marriage but I'm not sure if I would ever feel like an equal partner to him and if I would ever know the truth surrounding these events.

I know I need to focus on myself and forget what he is doing. But for my financial well being and my three children. I can't just not focus on what he is doing and just say that I want to stay married no matter what. He took our boat down to his work town this week to use for the 4th July. I know I will prob never see the boat again.

I don't trust him right now that he would not keep paying the car payment, car insurance & giving me money to live on. He has threatened saying "what if I just stop paying the bills?" I don't think he would do this, but
I would have never believed 2 months ago that he would having a woman stay in his room with him while on a "fishing" trip.

I have spoke to a couple of attorneys so I do know what my rights are.

He is building a second/vacation home right now, it will be complete in 2 months. And I know that he plans on paying off a large business loan when the house is complete. Right now that is considered marital debt.

I also think its of importance to note, that he very strongly feels that once he told me he wanted a break that he was free to do whatever he wants.

Trying to be dark with him but I have to have some minor communication with him because of our children's ages. And the fact that I am responsible for everything at our home- which is on 1 acre with a pool to take care of also.

I believe that not seeing him for 2 weeks will help me detach.

Any advice on anything I'm doing right or doing wrong?
Any help is appreciated. Thanks so much!

[Sam3]

Does anyone have any financial advice on things I need to do to protect myself?

Since my last post I can see that my husband opened a new bank account at a different bank with nearly $75k in it!
For those unfamiliar with my stitch - I'm a stay at home mom. He controls all the money. I get a weekly allowance. I have a little bit of money stashed from before I was married, that could help with a portion of retainer. But I'm really afraid I will need that money if he files & I have to wait to get temp child support.

I was changing my iTunes account today to my own email that he doesn't have access to. And I saw where he has all the secret folder apps, Internet browsing privacy apps, hidden photo apps. Etc.
It all makes me so angry. I know detach. But it's just so frustrating to see apps on the iTunes account that helped him hide his Ow.

[Sam3]

Here's a backstory his grandmother & my grandmothers sister live in the same old people apartment place.

My grandma had already called me today to tell me the two 80 yr old ladies got into in argument about us.

His grandma was bragging about that he brought our 2 older kids over on Sunday to see her. And that husband comes home every weekend & I just take off with The baby. And that i never was very friendly. He hasn't been happy for years.
My great aunt tells her "well sam is quiet but she's a very good mother. And maybe husband ran off with some other
woman." (I'm not sure if she really knows or is just assuming)

So his grandma called him today.

He asks to speak to me tonight after the kids talked to him & he's mad.
He tells me "I don't know what your telling your family but my kids are the most important thing to me & I don't need them hearing this story. I didnt run off with some other woman. I have told you I'm not in a relationship. He says i told my grandma one day the truth will come out. Your freaking grandma thinks I'm having an affair. You need to patch things up with them."

Seriously? I need to patch things up?

Why is that my responsibility I'm not the one who had a man staying in a hotel room with me & sending me text messages.

I feel like He can deal with the fallout. Why is it my problem? And like I have control over 2 80 yr old ladies arguing.
My grandmother does know about OW. Because we live in a very small town & they live about 5 minutes away. I have taken the baby
over to her house when I've been trying to stay away from the house while he's here with big kids.

Do I validate his concerns?
Do I let him deal with the fallout & tell him it's not my side of the street to clean?

[Maybell]

I think you can both validate his upset AND stay out of that can of worms. Something like "it sounds like that conversation was very upsetting to you" without offering to do anything about it, and if he pushes it, say that you can't control how other people talk.

I don't think it's reasonable that he dictate how you conduct your relationship with your grandmother and it's certainly not his business if you choose to confide in her at this painful time. Whether or not you did is irrelevant; you have the right to seek comfort when you need it.

[Sam3]

Thanks so much Maybell!

Pretty uneventful week. H has initiated a few texts about house concerns. Making sure pool guy is taking care of pool. The yard looked ok from lawn guy.

He calls kids each evening to say goodnight. Sometimes he asks to speak to me after talking to them about their day. And he just asks a few additional questions about their day.

He is picking up the older 2 kids this evening and taking them to the beach for the weekend. Sunday is his 40th birthday.
I let the kids pick out cards for him. Not really sure if I should acknowledge his birthday.

He did tell me last night that they will be home Sunday afternoon and he will have to stay at "the house" Sunday night. He then wants to spend some time with the baby on Monday morning before leaving to go back out of town.

It has been easier to detach since I have not seen him in two weeks.
Feeling a little anxious about kid pick up this afternoon. But I planned to be already dressed to go out. My mom is watching baby for me & I'm getting together with a girlfriend.

Not looking forward to Sunday as it is his birthday & I have to be around him. I agreed that I would allow him time to spend with baby but would still be around as baby has some medical issues and H is not comfortable caring for him by himself for extended periods.

Don't know if I should plan to cook or let him handle his dinner and pretend I'm not here as this is "his" time with kids. I don't want to Persue but always don't want it to come back at me that I didnt acknowledge his 40th birthday - we have been together since he was 23.

Any advice, tips, suggestions?

Thanks!!!